BLOG » reader submission: “CRISIS Advice- I ‘cheated’ on my boyfriend with a girl”

Hi Alexi,

I read your blog all the time and I saw no better woman to write this email to than you. I have been having major relationship issues for the past few days and I feel like I need some perspective. Please bear with me because I tend to ramble when I tell my stories…

I’m 21. I’ve been dating the same GREAT guy (also 21) for the past two years, with a bit of history before that. We’ve had our ups and downs – our relationship is far from perfect. But it works somehow and I love him incredible amounts. I definitely think I am more into him than he is into me. He’s known to be a flirt but I’ve never had to worry about him cheating on me. We’ve always discussed the idea of “threesomes” and me hooking up with another girl. The idea turns him on (no surprise there) and turns me on as well.
I’ve always assumed a situation like this would never come to us easily or out of nowhere… But last week I had an old friend of mine come over and spend the night. She’s in a serious relationship and totally devoted to her boyfriend. However, she’s also incredibly open-minded and has had multiple encounters with other females. I’ve only gone as far as making out with some of my female friends – in a completely non-intimate, playful way. Anyways, we had gone through over 2 bottles of wine and a heart to heart, and we were heading to bed, when she asked to “cuddle.” I agreed, not thinking anything of it. She’s very affectionate. But she started sort of rubbing and touching my stomach and her hands began wandering. She told me “If you want me to stop just tell me.”
It was your typical “first lesbian experience” I suppose. I thought about it, of course thinking about my boyfriend. I think about him in nearly everything I do. But after a few moments of careless consideration I decided that he would probably not care at all; in fact I assumed he would be thrilled. I imagined telling him all about the experience and turning him on. He’s always seemed to support my curiosity in experimenting. So I said it was okay, and we continued touching, which lead to kissing, more touching, and oral sex. For me, the experience was not as sensual and sexual as I had fantasized about. And this girl, though a dear friend, was not who I imagined it being with. It was fun, but more so surprising than anything else. I kept thinking “I can’t believe this is happening. Whoa.” It’s not weird between us, though I do not plan on telling any of my friends (other than my guy).
Now here is where the plot thickens… I hang out with my boyfriend the following day. It was gorgeous outside and I suggested we go for a walk in a nearby forest.

We were actually having one of the best times I could remember in a while. I planned on telling him once we were done with our walk. But we sat down and he noticed a small hickey on my neck. So I told him right then and there, feeling very nervous, but not expecting the reaction he gave. At first he was sort of grinning, jaw-dropped. But I guess as he began to think about it, his thoughts did a complete 180. “I don’t really know what to think,” he had said. I started quietly panicking as I could see him beginning to filter through his thoughts. He started frowning. He told me he was confused, and that ultimately he just saw it as though I slept with someone else. Cheated, basically. He saw it as unfair, that I was not ‘devoted’ to him anymore. That it would be completely different if he wanted to “experiment” with someone else. Of course I don’t expect him to go hook up with another guy. It’s not like most girls fantasize about two guys pounding each others brains out. I pleaded with him to understand that it was just me taking advantage of this weird situation. I had the purest of intentions possible… I wanted this to be something we could talk about, get each other hot and bothered by. But he couldn’t see past the fact that I slept with someone else. I have never dreamed of cheating on him and I have felt sick to my stomach for days as he ignores me, trying to figure out exactly how he feels. He had told me he didn’t see how things could progress after this has happened, but I know that he isn’t 100% sure.

I have told his roommate and one of his best friends, who is also a good friend of mine, all about the situation. He sees both sides but is surprised my boyfriend took it the way he did. He’s convinced he just needs some time, and that everything will be fine. But I’m absolutely freaking out, having anxiety attacks for the past three days and I have NO idea what to do. I would be absolutely devastated if he ended things over this. I didn’t feel like I was betraying him, so I’m totally panicking. I would have NEVER even thought about hooking up with my girl friend if I knew he was uncomfortable with it. This is by far the most messed up relationship situation I have ever been in! I feel I have no one to really talk about it with, because many of my girl friends are closed-minded about this sort of thing. Any advice would be so appreciated!
Anonymous “Kinda” Cheater
Dear Anonymous “Kinda” Cheater,
Call me THIS Wednesday during ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ i have a lot of thoughts on this and it’s better if you just call. until then, i’ll let my readers chime in and give their thoughts. talk to you Wednesday!
xoxo, Alexi








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28 Responses to “reader submission: “CRISIS Advice- I ‘cheated’ on my boyfriend with a girl””

  1. Bottom line, even though it was with a girl you still cheated on him so you need to give him time to process this. My feeling is this will be a learning curve and he’ll come back to you. It’s all very well talking about threesomes and other sexy things but that doesn’t give you a free pass to do it. Keep apologising, and give him time.

  2. I agree ^^ what turned him on about the wholthose a before is the fact that it would include all three of you guys. The fact that he was excluded has him hurt an feeling neglected and as if you really chose a girl over him. It might even hurt his ego, so the best you can do is continue apologizing and chances are he’ll probably forgive you BUT you’ll have to give him extra attention to show him he really is the only one that makes you feel the way you do.

  3. Situations like this are really tough.
    You and your boyfriend discussed including other people in bed but your boyfriend likely wanted to play a bigger role. Maybe he would have been more comfortable if you had passed it by him first or included him, but when an opportunity like this arises out of the blue the decision of whether to do it or not must be made in the moment.
    Whether what you did is right or wrong is not for any of us to judge, but I would suggest you give your boyfriend a couple of days to breath and think about it and then try talking about it with him again.
    Until then try reading the blog rachelrabbitwrite and perhaps forwarding your question to her as she often has some great insight.

  4. Way to be THAT bi-curious girl. Doing it because your bf thinks its hot. You didn’t even enjoy yourself, you’re obviously not bi, and you didn’t discuss the issue within your commuted relationship before you went ahead and had sex with someone. *sigh*

    Also, you don’t want your bf banging another dude…because that’s not hot…?? *double sigh*

  5. he thought it was ok fucking another girl in front of you basically. whatever! it’s not that serious. he should get over it.

  6. Wow, you just cheated on your boyfriend. Fascinating story, I bet it’ll be even MORE enthralling the next time you fuck him over!

  7. That’s pretty retarded that you would consider bringing someone else into bed with you and YOUR boyfriend in the first place. you should be the only one with him. bringing someone else into bed with you two is just asking to get left out of the sex or even worse for him to leave you for someone else, perhaps that exact person. do you really want to see YOUR boyfriend fucking some other chick right in front of you. you must be a complete idiot.

  8. i understand why you did it.. but i don’t think you should have. i know you can’t take it back now so you’re needing advice on what to do. as most of the other people said, i think he really does need time. it was cheating.. even though it’s a girl. society has this way of making girl on girl seem ok.. and it’s still another person outside of your exclusive relationship. again, it’s ok to be curious about your sexuality and want to try new things, but you said you love this guy… but you have a far from perfect relationship and you think you like him more than he likes you. .. i just think you guys both need to take some time away from each other. i hope everything works out but.. next time think a little more about what you’re doing. i think pretty much every guy thinks girl on girl is hot.. but i bet 95% of them would be angry to hear they slept with a girl behind their back.

  9. Ok…. I’ve had the threesome fantasy, often. For me, the exciting part is imagining what happens between the two girls, and being there while my girl has a (hopefully) incredible, new experience. I’ve been with girls who had “experimented” in the past, and I’ve told them that if they wanted to play with a girl, either as a 3-sum or on the side, I’d be cool with it. (To me, if someone I’m with, likes something I can’t offer, it’s not really “cheating” if she goes elsewhere for it..) But, none of my “experienced” GFs have gone “there” while with me.

    Your BF is a lot younger than me. In his shoes, I would TRY to think of this “research” you did to decide if you wanted to proceed with our 3-sum. I’m thinking he’s feeling left-out, because you did it and then told him, and also feeling that part of his fantasy is blown, because you can never have another “first time” and he can never be there with you for it. Way down below this, he’s also sorry he missed the opportunity to bang her.

    Anyway, you owe him nothing. If YOU WANT to have that 3-sum, do it soon… but if you’re not inspired to do it, DON’T “do it anyway” just as an apology. Nothing kills the fantasy faster than a reluctant partner. Enthusiasm is important… the moment I always imagine is the first few tentative licks as they change to a voracious “all-in” tongue-lashing. If you don’t have that kind of enthusiasm, he’ll end up feeling worse after for “making” you do something you really weren’t into…

  10. Okay, so glad to hear a guy’s opinion! My boyfriend and I both read your post and at first, I thought.. this chick cheated on this guy! But then my partner thinks that you were just experimenting to see if it would be something you and your boyfriend would like doing. Even though it didn’t work out the way you thought it would, no bigs. Give him some time and it’ll work out.

    If it’s something he really wants from you he should understand that you were experimenting to see what it would be like. I totally get it girl.

  11. Kim has some good points. K, some people get turned on watching their boy/girlfriend fuck someone else, and it really has nothing to do with idiocy or intelligence. There are no “should”s in an individualized relationship.

    Anyway, to the cheater: if you’ve been completely open and honest, then your boyfriend should take you back. If not, well, he may be less into it than you as you said, and you’re still young 😉

  12. Well, point bank, you cheated, and there is not getting around that. But, he opened up the subject by wanting to invite another girl into your bed.

    Question: how would he feel if you told him you wanted to invite another guy into the bed? would he be jealous or totally cool with sharing you. I mean, the dude wouldn’t have double standards would he?


  13. Congrats making a conscious decision to do something that you knew may have had negative consequences and hurt another person, for something you didn’t even really want or enjoy in the first place.

  14. pretty simple, you fucked up. and no matter how you choose to rationalize it, you cheated on your boyfriend. people make mistakes though and that doesn’t mean you’re evil and it doesn’t mean you can’t make it right. take responsibility, own up to it, apologize and be better.

  15. I dont think you cheated at all….Still i s it possible he is using this as an excuse to break up the relationship since “your more into him than he into you ?” I kno wthat if I wanted to get out and dint know how I would use that as an excuse…

    Either way, I hope not and that he just need some time t o figure it out..

    Loads of luck!!!

  16. @maike, how was she not cheating? She thought of her boyfriend, was unsure of what his reaction would be, and still said fuck it and slept with someone else. They may have talked about a threesome but her boyfriend was not included in this decision so past discussions do not make this okay.

    I also think it’s unfair for you to take the feelings of betrayal he has, and turn this around to make HIM the asshole in this situation (which I believe, maybe not entirely consciously, the submitter encourages us to believe by including such unnecessary information as “I definitely think im more into him than he is into me”). Bottom line is, she was intimate with another person. In my opinion, this is a reason to break up with someone, not an excuse.

  17. When i was younger i used to make out with girls just for fun, regardless of if i hadaboyfriend or not.

    Now i don’t think it’s okay at all. I hate that people don’tseem to take cheating seriously just because it#s between two ppl of the same sex. This friend of mine is gay and if his boyfriend fucked a girl,it would be a big deal too,even though he was just “experimenting”.

    HOWEVER I feel like in your mind it was really not cheating, because you just didn’t see it that way,so in that respet you should be forgiven. My advice would be to really just stress that point –> that to you this was innocent and you couldn#t take is seriously as actuall cheating

  18. You said yourself that this was the first opportunity you have had to have sex with a woman and you didn’t feel uncomfortable about it at all. So you are a lesbian.

    You cheated on your boyfriend. Plain and simple. You deserve anxiety attacks. You deserve to be dumped. But you don’t deserve sympathy. If you really loved him you wouldn’t have even been tempted to cheat.

  19. Just because a fantasy is almost stereotypically popular doesn’t make it any less of a fantasy. It doesn’t even make a difference if it’s a fantasy you and a partner share before, during, or after sex.

    When acting out a fantasy it’s pretty common for reality to rub the wrong way, even when a third party isn’t involved. And when it’s a shared fantasy that’s acted out unilaterally it can chaff the left-out partner even more.

    I’d just add that one of the real hallmarks of fantasy, even shared one, is that in fantasy we’re each always in charge of whatever happens. In fact, even when we have a kink that involves something going wrong, in fantasy it will still go wrong exactly when and how we want it to. I think this is one of the big reasons acting out fantasies can be such a let down. Also, it doesn’t particularly matter that her former partner was a man — control of one’s fantasy isn’t the same as fantasy of being in control.

    Anyway, point being that even if there weren’t overtones of “cheating” and jealousy or of boundaries and trust it’s not too surprising that one’s partner can discover issues they hadn’t expected when fantasies become real life without them.

    By the way, this can happen even when the shared fantasy isn’t sexual. You’ll sometimes hear of couples who dream of “getting away from it all” on a boat or in a getaway cabin, for instance, only to run into trouble when one of them surprises the other by actually getting the boat or cabin. It just goes with the territory.

    Bottom line, though, is that turning shared fantasy into reality almost always involves a lot of planning, small steps, and chances to back out.



  20. You had a fantasy that was about to be fulfilled… that does not happen to everyone. If you did not want to do it again, you should have just kept the experience to yourself. You weren’t doing it FOR him, by any means. That would be completely different. It was something you felt you had to do for you. Telling him was a bad move. Sometimes it is better for everyone involved to keep those things to yourself.

  21. People here need to lay off. You guys are so harsh! Cheating isnt the worse thing in the world. People make mistakes. Thats part of being human.

  22. Congratulations! You’re a cheater. No getting around that. Fantasizing about a threesome does not equate to you going out on your own and screwing someone else without your boyfriend knowing about it. Your mind was clear and you even admit that you weren’t sure how he would react but you went ahead and cheated on him anyway so obviously you didn’t value your relationship with your boyfriend as much as the chance to have your little lezzie experiment. If your boyfriend had respect for himself he would have dumped the shit out of you.

  23. I’m in the same situation and haven’t told him. After reading this I’m kind of thinking he will see it as cussing. I did it with my best friend…we all three hang out and I just want everything normal…and maybe include him or something soon…idk this is crazy but I know out would be fun for us

  24. I’m in the same situation and haven’t told him. After reading this I’m kind of thinking he will see it as cussing. I did it with my best friend…we all three hang out and I just want everything normal…and maybe include him or something soon…idk this is crazy but I know out would be fun for us

  25. I am going through this exact situation. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years! Whilst having sexual moments with him we always role play like there is another girl there. He always asks me what I want a girl to do to me and all that stuff. So he has said to me on a few occasions to find a girl to do this with. After a year and a half of fantasising I finally found a girl! So we spoke, we flirted bearing in mind I have never been with a girl before. I saw her at work and she pulled me into a room and started to kiss me, at first i dismissed it but she knew all along that me and my boyfriend wanted a threesome. So one thing led to another and we had about 8-10minutes of kissing and she went down on me. I didn’t feel as turned on as I expected though but I feel like I would if my boyfriend was there as I know it turns him on ALOT.
    So I still kept to the plan of a threesome. Which was meant to happen next month and I had arranged it without my boyfriend know if so he could be very excited and surprised.
    However that same night, he went throug my phone and saw messages from the girl. I told him absolutely everything. He was angry but then started to have sex with me. So I thought yes! This threesome is going to b amazing. However we had real good sex then straight away he kicked me out. Made me sleep in the front room called me a whore and told me to go kill myself. I’m so heartbroken. He is now gone and ignoring me completely. What shall I do ? I don’t understand his actions. He even slapped me in my face. All over this. When this is what he wanted.
    He is upset that I ‘lied’ and didn’t tell him which I understand but that was the point. I wanted to make it special and exciting for him. I was gunna be there with the girl ad then invite him over and we will be waiting for him. I know he would of loved that. I just don’t know what to do now. I feel so sick I miss him and I feel like I’ve lost my life. I’ve been with him since I was 16 im now 23.
    Please someone give me some advice on this.

  26. One of the responses touched on the idea that sometimes fantasies aren’t all they are cracked up to be if played out. I believe you had the best intentions because your boyfriend indicated that he wanted you to touch another woman in front of him. You were with someone you were comfortable enough with and used the opportunity to “prepare” yourself and thought he would be pleased since he suggested it. Granted, he wanted to be involved, but it required you being with a woman nonetheless. I think reality would have hit him in either scenario; he doesn’t like you being with a woman. On paper, your actions may say “cheater”, but given the scenario, I wouldn’t consider you a cheater. You were trying to fulfill your boyfriend’s wishes of you being with another woman, but on your terms as well, which it didn’t sound like he took you into inconsideration other than being an actress in the fantasy. Communication on both ends would have helped, but my verdict is you’re not a cheater. You didn’t do this for selfish reasons and thought you were making your boyfriend happy.

  27. @Megan
    Similar response to what I gave Alexi. In your cases, you put in the work to find someone you were comfortable enough being intimate with, gave it a test run, and planned on fulfilling your boyfriend’s fantasy. First off, it is not OK for him to have slapped you. Second, way to manipulate you and make you think things were just fine, then throw you out like trash. I can’t get over the fact that these guys expect their girlfriends to sleep with a woman spontaneously. Pornography gives people such a twisted idea of intimacy, namely males. Granted, you two could have found someone together, but keep in mind, being with a woman is completely new for YOU, thus, some of the process should be up to YOU. Plus, you wanted it to be a surprise. How dare you get to know a woman and ensure you were comfortable being with her, all the while excited about surprising your boyfriend (with something he requested)! I say good riddance to that guy, Megan.

  28. @megan
    I should also add that no, you’re not a whore and you should not kill yourself. He told you to find a girl. You found a girl and were in the process of surprising him. In all honesty, I think there were issues with him before if he was searching through your phone, especially if you had never shown any signs of infidelity; I could be wrong, but there may have been cheater’s paranoia taking place. If so, he took this as an opportunity to turn the tables on you. Either way, don’t worry, don’t feel bad, and enjoy your freedom from this egotistical jerk.

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