BLOG » reader submission: ‘HELP: I tried masturbating, but I don’t feel anything!’

Hey Alexi,
My friends listen to your podcast and rave about your blog all the time. I love reading it and it has been a huge inspiration to me. I understand you’re probably very busy, but I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I’ve been dating this guy for four years and we love each other very much. I am 19 years old and in college dealing with a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. I haven’t been ready to have sex and he has patiently waited and has supported me throughout our entire relationship. I am now ready to have sex. I have tried masturbating, but I don’t feel anything. It just feels like a finger moving inside of me. I’m scared I won’t enjoy sex with him. I’m scared that I’ll just have to grit my teeth the whole time and pretend like I’m enjoying myself. In one of your posts you said that we should learn how to finger ourselves so that we understand more about our body, but from what I’ve learned so far… I’m not going to enjoy sex at all. I’m also scared about my hymen breaking. I don’t know how much it’s going to hurt. I want both my boyfriend and I to enjoy ourselves. If I can’t even enjoy fingering myself how am I going to enjoy sex? What am I doing wrong? -Anonymous

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21 Responses to “reader submission: ‘HELP: I tried masturbating, but I don’t feel anything!’”

  1. haha this was cute, I love your nails alexi.

    I’ve been sexually active for 8 years and have still never had an orgasm. I’ve tried masturbating multiple times. I still haven’t quite given up but I’ve definitely lost a lot of hope.


  2. for the reader who submitted, GO HERE http://www.scarleteen.com/
    It is THE best site in the US, if not the world, for sex ed and info. They have anything & everything you ever wanted to know about getting off, bodies, bodily functions, safer sex, healthy relationships, etc.

    This is such an important/relevant issue for so many women. A lot of people have a hard time having orgasm. I totally agree that RELAXING (don’t have a goal in mind, just do things to yourself that feel good!), and fantasizing are great. Good luck!!


  3. was that “The More You Know” song at the end???


  4. This was awful advice, Alexi just made fun of this submitter and then gave lack lustre advice. Don’t stress too hard, just relax, explore and enjoy. They more you pump this “issue” up the harder it will be to come.


  5. i think its important to keep in mind that its not important to even have an orgasm the first time you sleep with someone. it will feel good. you will have a strong connection. it will be sweet and full of love. will you orgasm? maybe, maybe not. that’s not what you should be worrying about. itll happen when it happens, just concentrate on enjoying yourself and your lover’s company. you have your whole life to get to know his and your body, its the journey, not the destination!!


  6. Girls who g coitlally as opposed to clitorraly are like little nuggets of gold. Pock that shit and hold on because they’re RARE and it enhances the experience by SCORES. I actually think the clitoral orgasm can be linked to over-masturbation (i.e. girls who play with themselves too much) when really what they need is a nice big cock shoved up there… (author points to self).


  7. 1) My clitoral orgasms are stronger than vaginal.
    2) Pull out method is better than nothing!
    3) If I just have manual stimulation to my girl parts it does nothing for me unless my mind is in the right place. Usually if I’m getting hot and heavy with someone, my mind is in the right place but if I’m alone, it can be hard to get there.


  8. Pull out method is hardly “better than nothing”. It shouldn’t even be used as an option! Let’s get serious, man up and get on the pill and use a condom.


  9. Gosh, after that luciferian geriatric spectacle thingie by Madonna and LMFAO during the Super Bowl, I just want to sit everyone down in a circle and have real koombaya about how we can’t keep living like this anymore.


  10. I can’t believe you don’t smoke weed


  11. I agree with Gabrielle about Scarleteen. When I started having sex, I was super confused about everything. It helped me a lot when I felt like I had no one to ask.


  12. This makes me so sad tat some people are so clueless. When people say they have NEVER had an orgasm, that is the most shocking thing, i can’t even imagen that. I can understand that one might not have them during sex, or even not really get them through manually stimulation IF you are unexperienced, but NEVER??.

    Doesn’t anyoe know how do sccessfully use water pressure to orgasm?? To methat is the easiest, way to come, It abslutely GUARANTEES orgasm. So all you who have NEVER had one, get in you bath, spread your legs and let the tap’s water run onto your clit on high pressure.Or even better unscrew the head of your shower. Seriously, with me that has never failed.

    And chanty? Have you never tried a vibrator??


  13. Don’t sweat it! Sex is a giant bummer if you’re not invested. You like this dude and trust him? Aces!!!! Just be you. Work it out. Let him know what feels good to you and replicate that with yourself. Also, fingering is misleading, as all my fingering happens outside my body. Sticking it in ( whatevere it may be) is not the only way to work it out.

    mazel tov!


  14. when you played the “the more you know” sound clip at the end i fucking burst out laughing :)


  15. TWO WORDS LADIES: JACUZZI JETS. Found that out when I was 11.


  16. How is pulling out “hardly better than nothing”? There isn’t any semen in pre-ejaculate unless the man ejaculated more recently than he peed. It’s plain anatomy. If a man has good self control and knows when he’s about to come, it’s a very effective method of birth control. I work in health care… http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method-4218.htm

    People are so uneducated..


  17. to monalaura: every one is different. get off your high horse. i have tried the water method many times and it is NOT an orgasm guarantee.

    to everyone saying the pull out method is okay: NOPE. i got pregnant in august, thanks to the pull out method! and he pulled out like 2 minutes before he came, so. and then when i went to get the abortion and told the nurse, she said a ton of girls who go there for abortions used the pull out method.


  18. as much as the “fingering method” might teach you about your body… don’t expect it to get you off! Fingering only does anything for me when a guys doing it. Most women don’t even orgasm from sole penetration. I think I have, like, once, and that was when the sexual tension was off the charts and had been for like three days. you’d probably have better luck with your clit. I mean, I was sleeping with a guy for a while and whenever he’d go down on me he would just keep trying to put his tongue up me even though I kept trying to instruct him otherwise. The worst!
    and yeah, maybe you’ll have a hard time having an orgasm, lots of women do. But you might just have to find a certain method or even a kink or something that does it for you. Don’t give up!


  19. pull out method is bullshit. why would you risk that shit?!? love.


  20. @kr YES THANK YOU. I have used pull out for years with partners that know what they’re doing, in conjunction with keeping track of my cycle/ knowing when I’m ovulating. I hate that women have pills shoved down their throats. ladies… you don’t have to hormonally trick your body if you don’t want to… get one of these! http://www.raxmedical.com/pearly.php


  21. Whoa: “pull-out method” does. not. always. work. It only needs to fail once, right? I was a partner in *two* abortions (separated by about ten years) because of the pull-out method (the second “oops” involved my first wife) and I have finally learned to stop risking the daddy-for-a-month prize in Bareback Roulette. The odds/ statistics become irrelevant the instant those gametes connect. And, yeah, fuck the Pill; it’s gotta be rubber (the Frisbee or the glove).


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