BLOG » disenchanted…
i haven’t even been able to successfully masturbate recently. i mean, if i was in the mood to even try, i would be successful at it… but i haven’t been. i’m walking around in the weirdest mood lately. sure. i just got an i-phone, so life can’t be ALL that bad. now i have more incentive to get in a car wreck while i’m pretending NOT to be: a) fascinated by how much my phone can do/ b) texting and driving. and ps: day one of owning the i-phone, when i’m not driving, i’m walking around los Angeles talking to anyone who will listen/crosses my path and saying things like ‘hey, do you have an i-phone?’ ‘yeah. why?’ ‘cuz, i just got one. so, yeah. i have one too now. it’s crazy, right?!’ while the person just looks at me with a deadpan expression thinking ‘this poor girl. where was she two years ago when i was as excited as she is now? poor thing. she can’t even partake in the collective excitement that passed her by.’ and then i say ‘do you have Siri?’ and that’s when i realize there’s an i-phone class system. and as much as i want to connect, i can’t; cuz we’re the same but different.
anyway, i-phone bullshit aside, i don’t know if it was the full moon the other day, or my recent break up, or mercury in retrograde or whatever else people are saying is causing the general collective moodiness… but i feel weird. i feel like i’ve been sleep walking. i feel glazed over. i ALREADY blame my i-phone for that! to be fair, i should blame my blackberry too. the i-phone is just an intense chaser. regardless, here’s where i’m at: i’m watching too much tv. late nights up till 7am watching back to back episodes of the original Beverly hills 90210 on dvd; every Kardashian show; mob wives; each and every ‘real housewives of…’ wherever, bravo Andy in the clubhouse; bettheny ever after; tmz; the soup; Chelsea lately; fuck… i even watched ‘shahs of sunset’! ‘SHAHS OF MOTHERFUCKING SUNSET!” i promised myself i wouldnt! BUT I DID! and when i tell my friends i was up till 7am and my eyes are burning, they get excited, thinking i was having sex or raging or having adventures – which i’m known to do. but no. i’ve been in a bizarro, glazed over, lethargic, haze these past ten days. ten days is it?
i’m trying my hardest not to pick at bumps on my body that no one can see but me (i call this behavior ‘home surgery’/self sabotage) because I’m anxiety ridden and worried that my dreams aren’t gonna come true and that ultimately everything isn’t gonna be ok. i also think the picking is me subconsciously, but now consciously, trying to prevent myself from getting naked in front of strangers. this behavior isn’t new for me. it seems to always strike when i’m in between relationships. i just forget about this. i block it out. like how girls block out the warning signs that they’re gonna get their period… even though it happens every month. or how women (or so i’ve heard) block out how painful it is to give birth. cuz if they didn’t, they’d never have another kid again. i guess i block out my post break up behavior because if i didn’t i might never jump back into being in love again?
during this slump… i’ve found moments of warmth come while watching ‘something borrowed’ for the umpteenth time. i’ve even found myself literally saying to myself things like “John Krasinski is so likable. he’s the new tom hanks! i’m telling you!” and “this ginnifer goodwin girl has such a lovable face. i really adore her. i don’t even care that she spells her name all weird with a ‘g’ or whatevs.” and “this might be the best work Kate Hudson has ever done. for real. and yeah, i’m even factoring in her performance in ‘almost famous’ too, even.”
i still have no crush on anyone. i’m pissed and disenchanted that my ex boyfriend turned out to be what i hoped/thought he wasn’t when i first met him: a pussy. someone too sensitive and overall, someone not strong enough for me. someone who refused to see me clearly, but pretended to. someone who did himself the disservice of not being his true self around me because i intimidated him. all of this bums me out, because all i thought he was doing and all i wanted him to be was himself. all i wanted him to do was love me and not be phased by me and my sense of humor. i just wanted to accept him, and for him to accept me.
and now, these past few days, i’ve been catching myself falling into pockets of momentary disillusionment. momentary pockets of disenchantment where i question if anyone will ever love me again. if i’ll ever love anyone. i’ve thought: what’s the point? everything ends or gets shitty eventually anyway, so why even start again? why even try? and even when/if i do start dating again… even if it’s just because i want to have sex and be touched and kissed again… why invest my heart or any part of me emotionally? why do that? i see so many of my friends who are in lackluster relationships. they’re unhappy, and cheating, or fighting, or faking, or gloomy, or staying in their situation out of fear, or settling. what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK!? it all looks so shitty! like everything’s doomed/has an expiration date.
right now, i’m not looking for a boyfriend… however, i am on the verge of being in dire need of sex again… but that’s just primal. i just feel ‘blah’. i’m trying though. trying to take the advice i’d give to a friend. i wake up and make coffee and shave my legs and make myself as cute as i can before i leave the house so i can trick myself into feeling good. so i can feel a bit sexy? i’m staying busy, and making lists, and checking things off on those goal lists. i’m focusing on work, i’m spending time with my family, and friends, and my i-phone. i’m making songs, and writing, and taking epsom salt baths, and playing drums, and trying new restaurants (and trying to balance THAT with not gaining too much weight). i’m staying up till 4am reading the Craigslist missed connections, and trolling Facebook/twitter, and reading, and going to the korean naked spa… i’m trying to distract myself; to fake it till i make it. i’m newly single-ish, not interested in anyone, AND i’m waiting to begin a job that’s around the corner… so the in between, down time is an uncomfortable feeling for me. i’m sleeping in late. have a hard time getting out of bed, etc. i know i said all this… but it just feels really unlike me. it feels like i have mono! i don’t, but it feels like i do! i know i am the perf candidate for mono, but i already had it in eighth grade! how DARE you!
one of my favorite things to do while i’m out and about, when i am finally able to get out of my goddamn front door, is smile at strangers who look all grumpy. and when we make eye contact, their grumpy face melts away into a smile. that makes me happy. that little moment has a ripple effect and not only does it make me feel less alone and connected to the world, it makes me feel like i made a little contribution. something as simple as eye contact and a smile.
my therapist tells me that this mood i’m in, this phase, is the quiet before the storm. i believe him. i have to. what else can i do? he says things like ‘everything is exactly as it needs to be’. he tells me to say this to myself when i’m panicked and am forgetting to breathe (which i often do). and so i say it aloud to myself, when no one’s looking/around. duh. and it actually does calm me. i tell myself that this hazy rut will pass and needs to exist for reasons i’ll understand later.
and overall, i know that no matter how bitter the taste in my mouth gets right now- regarding love and relationships- i’m a romantic. and when it’s right, it’s right. i’ll feel it/vibe it when i cross paths with whoever i’m meant to be sexxxing next or whoever i’m meant to love next. right now, i don’t think they’ll be the same person… but one day they will be. xoxo