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i haven’t even been able to successfully masturbate recently. i mean, if i was in the mood to even try, i would be successful at it… but i haven’t been. i’m walking around in the weirdest mood lately. sure. i just got an i-phone, so life can’t be ALL that bad. now i have more incentive to get in a car wreck while i’m pretending NOT to be: a) fascinated by how much my phone can do/ b) texting and driving. and ps: day one of owning the i-phone, when i’m not driving, i’m walking around los Angeles talking to anyone who will listen/crosses my path and saying things like ‘hey, do you have an i-phone?’ ‘yeah. why?’ ‘cuz, i just got one. so, yeah. i have one too now. it’s crazy, right?!’ while the person just looks at me with a deadpan expression thinking ‘this poor girl. where was she two years ago when i was as excited as she is now? poor thing. she can’t even partake in the collective excitement that passed her by.’ and then i say ‘do you have Siri?’ and that’s when i realize there’s an i-phone class system. and as much as i want to connect, i can’t; cuz we’re the same but different.

anyway, i-phone bullshit aside, i don’t know if it was the full moon the other day, or my recent break up, or mercury in retrograde or whatever else people are saying is causing the general collective moodiness… but i feel weird. i feel like i’ve been sleep walking. i feel glazed over. i ALREADY blame my i-phone for that! to be fair, i should blame my blackberry too. the i-phone is just an intense chaser. regardless, here’s where i’m at: i’m watching too much tv. late nights up till 7am watching back to back episodes of the original Beverly hills 90210 on dvd; every Kardashian show; mob wives; each and every ‘real housewives of…’ wherever, bravo Andy in the clubhouse; bettheny ever after; tmz; the soup; Chelsea lately; fuck… i even watched ‘shahs of sunset’! ‘SHAHS OF MOTHERFUCKING SUNSET!” i promised myself i wouldnt! BUT I DID! and when i tell my friends i was up till 7am and my eyes are burning, they get excited, thinking i was having sex or raging or having adventures - which i’m known to do. but no. i’ve been in a bizarro, glazed over, lethargic, haze these past ten days. ten days is it?

i’m trying  my hardest not to pick at bumps on my body that no one can see but me (i call this behavior ‘home surgery’/self sabotage) because I’m anxiety ridden and worried that my dreams aren’t gonna come true and that ultimately everything isn’t gonna be ok. i also think the picking is me subconsciously, but now consciously, trying to prevent myself from getting naked in front of strangers. this behavior isn’t new for me. it seems to always strike when i’m in between relationships. i just forget about this. i block it out. like how girls block out the warning signs that they’re gonna get their period… even though it happens every month. or how women (or so i’ve heard) block out how painful it is to give birth. cuz if they didn’t, they’d never have another kid again. i guess i block out my post break up behavior because if i didn’t i might never jump back into being in love again?

during this slump… i’ve found moments of warmth come while watching ‘something borrowed’ for the umpteenth time. i’ve even found myself literally saying to myself things like “John Krasinski is so likable. he’s the new tom hanks! i’m telling you!” and “this ginnifer goodwin girl has such a lovable face. i really adore her. i don’t even care that she spells her name all weird with a ‘g’ or whatevs.” and “this might be the best work Kate Hudson has ever done. for real. and yeah, i’m even factoring in her performance in ‘almost famous’ too, even.”

i still have no crush on anyone. i’m pissed and disenchanted that my ex boyfriend turned out to be what i hoped/thought he wasn’t when i first met him: a pussy. someone too sensitive and overall, someone not strong enough for me. someone who refused to see me clearly, but pretended to. someone who did himself the disservice of not being his true self around me because i intimidated him. all of this bums me out, because all i thought he was doing and all i wanted him to be was himself. all i wanted him to do was love me and not be phased by me and my sense of humor. i just wanted to accept him, and for him to accept me.

and now, these past few days, i’ve been catching myself falling into pockets of momentary disillusionment. momentary pockets of disenchantment where i question if anyone will ever love me again. if i’ll ever love anyone. i’ve thought: what’s the point? everything ends or gets shitty eventually anyway, so why even start again? why even try? and even when/if i do start dating again… even if it’s just because i want to have sex and be touched and kissed again… why invest my heart or any part of me emotionally? why do that? i see so many of my friends who are in lackluster relationships. they’re unhappy, and cheating, or fighting, or faking, or gloomy, or staying in their situation out of fear, or settling. what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK!? it all looks so shitty! like everything’s doomed/has an expiration date.

right now, i’m not looking for a boyfriend… however, i am on the verge of being in dire need of sex again… but that’s just primal. i just feel ‘blah’. i’m trying though. trying to take the advice i’d give to a friend. i wake up and make coffee and shave my legs and make myself as cute as i can before i leave the house so i can trick myself into feeling good. so i can feel a bit sexy? i’m staying busy, and making lists, and checking things off on those goal lists. i’m focusing on work, i’m spending time with my family, and friends, and my i-phone. i’m making songs, and writing, and taking epsom salt baths, and playing drums, and trying new restaurants (and trying to balance THAT with not gaining too much weight). i’m staying up till 4am reading the Craigslist missed connections, and trolling Facebook/twitter, and reading, and going to the korean naked spa… i’m trying to distract myself; to fake it till i make it. i’m newly single-ish, not interested in anyone, AND i’m waiting to begin a job that’s around the corner… so the in between, down time is an uncomfortable feeling for me. i’m sleeping in late. have a hard time getting out of bed, etc. i know i said all this… but it just feels really unlike me. it feels like i have mono! i don’t, but it feels like i do! i know i am the perf candidate for mono, but i already had it in eighth grade! how DARE you!

one of my favorite things to do while i’m out and about, when i am finally able to get out of my goddamn front door, is smile at strangers who look all grumpy. and when we make eye contact, their grumpy face melts away into a smile. that makes me happy. that little moment has a ripple effect and not only does it make me feel less alone and connected to the world, it makes me feel like i made a little contribution. something as simple as eye contact and a smile.

my therapist tells me that this mood i’m in, this phase, is the quiet before the storm. i believe him. i have to. what else can i do? he says things like ‘everything is exactly as it needs to be’. he tells me to say this to myself when i’m panicked and am forgetting to breathe (which i often do). and so i say it aloud to myself, when no one’s looking/around. duh. and it actually does calm me. i tell myself that this hazy rut will pass and needs to exist for reasons i’ll understand later.

and overall, i know that no matter how bitter the taste in my mouth gets right now- regarding love and relationships- i’m a romantic. and when it’s right, it’s right. i’ll feel it/vibe it when i cross paths with whoever i’m meant to be sexxxing next or whoever i’m meant to love next. right now, i don’t think they’ll be the same person… but one day they will be. xoxo


23 Responses to “disenchanted…”

  1. I am totally in the same space right now! Thanks for writing this.


  2. Alexi,
    you always manage to say what I want to, but don´t know how to. I feel the same way…like I know what I need to do to get me where I want to be and I go through the actions but something is missing and I feel sluggish and can´t quite place my finger on the issue. I seriously had the same thought about masturbating yesterday, the exact same. THANK YOU.


  3. Been there. Still kind of there. Don’t give up on yourself. Thanks for the truthful and relatable writing!


  4. my advice for you is to date your best (guy) friend.
    trust me it’ll work out.


  5. In the exact same place… Also, read this/am commenting from my iPhone.


  6. Forgot to say I was up until 6am and feeling seriously worse for wear. Sometimes for a couple of weeks I just can’t sleep and it seriously screws with my mind.


  7. Try and focus your energy on doing things that make you feel good about yourself and productive. Things that don’t require you get naked. Unless it’s some kind of performance art piece, in which case I saw go for it.

    Not to be a brat, but to the lay person reading your blog I have think someone has to be wondering, “Doesn’t this chick have a job?”. In times like these it’s good to have work to draw your focus. I know you’re all like “self employed”, so just find some kind of project that you can throw yourself into.

    Coming out of a relationship I usually feel this surge of energy to take care of other business in my life. I think you feel it too but you’re dwelling in some of the residual negativity of the relationship. Forgive yourself and move on!


  8. I find when in this type of emotional/physical fog it’s nice to hop in the car and go someplace different, even for a few hours… A different place tends to let you clear your head.


  9. I went through this phase for like a whole year. It wasn’t post breakup- I had been single for a long time before it hit. I got anti-social and while I still made the effort to get out here and there, nothing really seemed to matter to me, and I’d rather have spent a night home alone watching reruns than bothering to “fake it til I made it”.

    It’s funny, I actually came out of this phase when I got into my current relationship. It started as “oh, he’s out with his friends and if he calls I’m just going to be sitting at home like a loser?” to “why am I being such a loser? i need to get out more and stop sleeping in all day” to me finally forcing myself to have a more active social life, and finally to actually enjoying myself again..


  10. Alexi, this break up really got to you! I’m sorry your having a hard time…I have been thinking about how complicated this ” finding the guy the feels right ” is… I mean the fact that you say that your home was very sexual or you father talked a lot about sex ( I don’t want to misinterpret but similar topics were discussed on ur podcast ;)) and you fall so madly for this man ( ur ex) who is completely the opposite : doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it, doesn’t like YOU talking about it… And somehow I have this feeling that you might have found something maybe …romantic .? Excited? About having to sleep in separate bedroom while you stayed with his family. I have somehow been in a similar situation, just similar I can relate and I think it is interesting to discuss how the hunger for values compromise woman’s sexual expression… My boyfriend is everything my father is not but there is a common denominator … Some told me its because I want tom


  11. Alexi, this break up really got to you! I’m sorry your having a hard time…I have been thinking about how complicated this ” finding the guy the feels right ” is… I mean the fact that you say that your home was very sexual or you father talked a lot about sex ( I don’t want to misinterpret but similar topics were discussed on ur podcast ;)) and you fall so madly for this man ( ur ex) who is completely the opposite : doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it, doesn’t like YOU talking about it… And somehow I have this feeling that you might have found something maybe …romantic .? Excited? About having to sleep in separate bedroom while you stayed with his family. I have somehow been in a similar situation, just similar I can relate and I think it is interesting to discuss how the hunger for values compromise woman’s sexual expression… My boyfriend is everything my father is not but there is a common denominator … I’m am very sexual and enjoy it without gilt or shame ( movie worth watching by the way) but he is not, he is very shy and weirded and we are trying to figure out what it really is…he had a hardcore past but I had to show him and teach him and make him understand that it is beautiful and great and awesome and epic and that just because he was raised to feel wrongly about it doesn’t mean that that is the ultimate truth….I wonder why, if you weren’t ready you broke up so quickly and didn’t feel the need to invest in his broadening of understanding …help him open his mind. Also, on a side note , I don’t know much at all and I don’t mean to sound like I’m on his side or whatevs ,because a man should always support you and stand behind you and above all have your back o the things that are important to you! No doubt, but I’m curious …hope you will feel better soon! Oh ..and I’m writing this from my I pad !!! Yeeeeahhh in case it takes you another two years to get on the collective excitement ;) just kidding babe haha Have a great day !!


  12. Please erase number 10. This is what happens when ur trying to be all. Ool working out New gadgets….


  13. Ok I thInk this happens to everyone. I’ve been doing it, staying up all night not doing anything but fucking around on the Internet and drinking my fucking ass off until I pass out.

    But what always helps during this time is to occupy yourself with the things you love to do. Write, paint, draw, do something instead of wasting time on stumble upon (or watching reality tv for you). Spend time doing the things you love doing.

    Focus on you.


  14. I’m sorry your feeling crappy, but I know you have all the tools to pull out of this!
    However, I will tell you what I do when I can’t get out of my head or bed or whatever. Aside from the picking at my skin stuff (although I can definitely relate to the idea of self sabotaging) I can relate to everything and have fallen into this kind of rut many times, for me it can be spurred on by an number of things but Ive gotten better at taking measures to avoid it!

    First of all, maybe you already do but if you don’t you should get active, like everyday and getting sweaty (if you never work out, you might not sweat at first, but give it a few days and you will totally start getting rid of any and all toxins including stressy ones and dont forget your water!), I like the gym..other people hate it…but for me I just put on my headphones and go to town…its got to be something you enjoy…otherwise you won’t keep doing it…even dancing for half an hour would be great, personally I like this album for solo dancing..
    http://www.lissie.com/music/detail/catching_a_tiger/

    But what if you dont have the energy to even be active? (I realize you are already mini so you don’t have the fear of obesity to motivate you) GREENS PLUS (cappuccino is the best flavor) is basically my favorite thing ever, it clears my head, lets me focus and gives me energy but doesn’t make me all jittery and weird. Its totally natural to, created by some guy on one of the islands off of Vancouver.

    Anyways NEXT, if I am really taking ruminating to the next level, I get some St Johns Wort (also natural), the tincture is the best because it works faster, this stuff basically makes my brain stop focusing on the negative and relieves the vibes of depression, anxiety etc…

    Last but not least, I sometimes pop an l-glutimine, this is a non essential amino acid, it has a balancing effect in terms of mood, it also helps you sleep and it curbs sugar and or alcohol cravings, also totally natural, this stuff exists naturally in your body, but when you are feeling out of whack your body might not produce it like it should, it can help you get back to the state of your own personal equilibrium

    If your eating decently you will already be getting most of the vitamins you need, but if not, it couldn’t hurt to have some B vitamins on hand…

    I used to feel guilty about these rutty days and I think that was because of all the baggage related to this kind of existing nd this kind of feeling…I still have days and nights where I dont want to do anything and I question every value and motivation I have and nothing seems worth it, they used to happen a lot more than do now. Currently however, these days seem to happen when my partner leaves for a few days, its almost like I am rebelling, but now instead of avoiding falling into a rut, I usually let myself have one day/night and just revel in it, food, booze, tv, dark thoughts, just me and my two cats, late night, whatever… and I just kind of enjoy my domestically debaucherous state, no guilty feelings and then the next day im usually satiated and ready to move on…no idea if this helps.

    good luck lady!
    xo
    C


  15. I understand. Quite a few years ago, after a relationship had fallen apart, I was sitting at home one day when my heart suddenly started racing, and like throwing a switch, I became convinced that Death was chasing me. Yes, really. I was like a young Grandpa Simpson. It got worse from there, though. I was tired, like you, yet hyper. I found all food repulsive, so if I managed to scarf down a little soup or an apple, it was a good day. Sleep was nearly impossible for more than two or three hours a night.
    I also sounded a little like you; everything was hopeless and pointless, though in my case I felt as though time was flying past and so it would swallow us all. This lasted for about a month, and TV wasn’t helping! The Simpsons had a meteor headed for town. Seinfeld did a suicide episode! And so on. Not one show wasn’t about death while I was desperately trying to cheer up.
    How was I cured? No therapy or medical treatment, which is why I’m not really cured; just calmer, stable. But I can feel that sensation waiting to take over in the back of my mind every day. What DID help, somewhat, was rejiggering my circadian rhythms. This doesn’t fix your love life or sense of purpose, but just trip the right triggers and you may improve enough to find a way out. Eat more protein in the morning, less at night (protein convinces your body it’s morning, believe it or not). Second, get more sun. You needn’t head for a beach, and tanning booths won’t work. Just let light into every room during the day so you can synchronize with it. Thirdly, drink any caffeine ONLY between about 2pm and 4pm. Caffeine tells your brain it’s around 3pm every time you drink it, so why not be right? I used a related technique every time I flew, especially across the Atlantic, and never once got jet lag because I sync’d with the new time zone.
    Lastly, keep sharing! I didn’t tell anyone until I was beginning to think objects around me weren’t real — including traffic signs. Please don’t let it get that far. As you must have noticed, we all care about you and prefer the world WITH you…


  16. I’ve been in ruts like this too, especially after a chapter in life has ended (haven’t we all, regardless of what our personal “90210″ is?) and I think a lot of it is just thinking too much. After a relationship it’s totally crucial to look back and realize what you will do differently the next round…but after that, you close the book. When you think too much about your life and the “point” of everything and just get so absorbed in your thoughts, it becomes a spiral that’s hard to escape. When I get like this, I go to the local animal shelter, volunteer at a preschool in the city, visit a soup kitchen….Hanging out with people and putting all off your attention on them draws you out of yourself. It sort of gives you a birdseye perspective on your life and helps with the letting go.

    Good luck with everything, and wonderful writing! So glad to see original posts again! Xx


  17. tried to read this thing.
    1) started reading the first paragraph of iphone pretentiousness. Had to stop
    2)moments later return to read second paragraph… astrology ramble. Gone forever.

    I miss YOUR stories Alexi.


  18. ^ This IS her story. I tried and couldn’t finish reading it either. Gagged at the SOMETHING BORROWED antidote and walked away from my computer.


  19. it’s okay to be in a rut. sometimes they can be kind of fun. you need that time to sulk and have a pity party. without all that negativity, the darkness, the dullness, the sitting at home doing nothing, all those bad feelings will come back later to haunt you if you try and force them away. let yourself feel shitty. it’s the easiest way to get over something, at least for me. sometimes the longest, but definitely the best. it’s so easy for other people to blather on about getting over someone or snapping out of it. don’t listen to them. you’ll come around when you are ready.


  20. anyway, you can’t hide your pretty, weird, funny self away from the outside world of dancing, drinks, shopping, coffee, strobe lights, and cute boys for too long, right? :)


  21. This too shall pass.


  22. “i still have no crush on anyone. i’m pissed and disenchanted that my ex boyfriend turned out to be what i hoped/thought he wasn’t when i first met him: a pussy. someone too sensitive and overall, someone not strong enough for me. someone who refused to see me clearly, but pretended to. someone who did himself the disservice of not being his true self around me because i intimidated him. all of this bums me out, because all i thought he was doing and all i wanted him to be was himself. all i wanted him to do was love me and not be phased by me and my sense of humor. i just wanted to accept him, and for him to accept me.”

    THIS PART WAS TIGHT!! THX FOR WRITING


  23. that was so good.


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