BLOG » reader submission: letter to the father of the girl my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with, and is now dating… (should i send it?)
My boyfriend has been cheating on me with a single-mom from our hometown. He has been taking her out publicly and even took her to Valentine’s Day dinner. My friends from my hometown didn’t tell me because they thought that since he was being so open, that we had broken up. This has, apparently, been going on for quite some time. I did warn the girl when I found out about the cheating but clearly she did not listen as they are now in a relationship – one week after I ended mine.I did not send this letter to the father but wish I could. I just wanted to warn this new girl’s father of her new boyfriend’s deceptive and manipulative ways because the same thing is gonna happen to her and it saddens me.
here is the letter:
Look, you don’t know me… but I think there are some things that you need to know about your daughter’s new boyfriend. He is my ex-boyfriend, but I am not “the crazy ex” nor do I want him back in any way, shape, or form. I want nothing to do with him other than to let you know what I have experienced. I honestly just don’t want another person to get burned by him. Dave has a history of manipulating and using others for his own personal gratification. He is a drug addict and cares about no one but himself. Up until February 17, 2012, Dave was my boyfriend. We met in August 2010 and have been dating for approximately 1 year and 3 months. This was up until I found out that he had been having a public relationship, in our hometown, with your daughter. I go to school in MA and he has been coming up to see me every weekend and taking your daughter on dates, to bars, and to dinners during the weekdays. This has been happening for quite some time considering they have been co-workers since October.
Once I learned that Dave had been carrying on an open, public relationship in our hometown, I lost all love and respect I had had for him. It was as if I had no idea who I had been with for the better part of a year and a half. I felt disgusted. He said he loved me so much and acted as if nothing was wrong when he visited. In fact, the last weekend he was here (Feb 12), it was one of the best of our relationship. It was fun, he was very interested and loving and revealed new personal stories, and I honestly felt more in love with him than previously. But, that was all a cover apparently. I thought he had improved from his deceitful ways in the past, but this was not the case. He is a coward and didn’t even have the decency to tell me about his cheating; I had to learn from friends who thought we were not even dating since he was being so open with another girl. Even when I called to confront him, he originally denied it multiple times –even when I had proof of him kissing/cuddling your daughter on Valentine’s Day. He said, “I love you so much. This is not true. Who do I have to beat up? The only girls I hang out with are you and my neighbor Jenny…” This was yet another lie.
I have been there in support through his time in rehab, his five months at the sober house in North Carolina, and his move back to CT. I was his support. He called me for support and I was there every step of the way. However, his cheating was the ultimate betrayal. Lying has always been an issue for him. He lied to everyone for years about his issues with drugs among other things. His exaggerations are lies. He may have mentioned to you and your family an extremely large trust fund, a house in California, or his crazy stories…He doesn’t have a house in California. He doesn’t have a large inheritance. He wasn’t single when he started dating your daughter either. We are not the only ones who are blind-sided. His own parents believe his exaggerations are simply “enthusiastic” and they thought that he “only dabbled in drugs…”
For quite some time, I noticed that during the week, he would be acting sketchy –always out, not answering my calls etc. I’ve asked him time and time again if there is anything he needs to tell me or if he is happy or if there is even someone else. I would have appreciated the honesty especially after the betrayal last March of his addiction to coke and heroin. I knew this relationship would end eventually, I knew he wasn’t “the one”. I was getting sick of having to track down my own boyfriend to have a conversation. But, we would always resolve issues for a while before they would revert back to the old ways. He has lied and disrespected me throughout this relationship and I truly don’t want to see him do this to your daughter. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. After finding out that he has been cheating on me for quite some time, he didn’t express any remorse, offer an explanation, or at the very least an apology. And I know what you are thinking.. “He is so charming, so funny, so outgoing..” Yes, he is. Of course, that is the initial draw. But, he is also manipulative, a compulsive liar, and a cheater. He has admitted to cheating on every girlfriend he has ever had. Yet, told me he could never do that to me. I figured that I was different since our relationship had been his second longest and we had been through so much together and lasted through these hardships. I stuck by him. He was my first boyfriend and I loved him deeply but sadly, this whole relationship was a sham. I was just blinded by love and I know 100% what your daughter is feeling. He seems too good to be true. He is so friendly and caring but it’s all a façade. He will use her and move on. He sets up relationships before the one he is in at the time officially ends. Look, call me the crazy ex – fine, but I am simply trying to warn you and your family. He has put me through hell with his lies..lies about doing drugs, rumors about other women, who he is with, and what he is doing etc. He is not a “real man” as I saw you say on their changed relationship status. What real man lives expense-free with his parents at twenty-seven years old, has his mom do his laundry and make his lunches for work…He is a loser. I knew this, yet again, I overlooked it because I was so in love with him and the nice things he said to me and did for me etc. I hoped he would change. I will never put myself through this again or ignore my gut feelings again.
I want to save your daughter from the heartache, stress, betrayal, and lies that she will eventually experience just as others have. Dave is unwell. He is addicted to love, drugs, lying, and relationships. In fact, he met me one night after he broke up with his girlfriend, Melissa. Then we started hanging out as friends in the weeks after, although I had been wary since he was fresh out of a relationship…He then, out of the blue, (again), changes his relationship status to “in a relationship” with a woman named Amy. He dates her for about two weeks and ends that relationship…We started hanging out and probably officially dating by end of November approximately..In that short time span (August to November) he had three “girlfriends”. I made the terrible mistake of being girlfriend number 3 in that time span and now your daughter is making the same mistake as I had ( exactly one week after I ended my relationship with Dave)..Dave cannot be alone. He is extremely selfish and it sickens me how he can abuse people for financial/emotional/physical/sexual support. I’ve already nicely messaged your daughter last week and just wanted to let her know what she was getting herself into… Clearly, either she didn’t take what I said to heart or Dave convinced her otherwise…something that he has done with me this whole relationship…Constantly convincing me that he is not doing anything bad and I believed him each time. Now that my relationship is over, it is a breath of fresh air and I am relieved to have such a life-sucking individual gone from my life for good. As her father, I just wanted to let you know what will happen down the road and that she needs to think what is best for her and her young son…She needs to realize it and perhaps she will need to experience it just like I had to because I too refused to listen to the advice of others just as she has…I don’t know your daughter whatsoever, but I want her to know that sooner or later, it is all going to crumble and she is going to be left with a broken heart and he will have a new “girlfriend” in a week. She will be so hurt and be asking “how could he do this” just like I’ve been saying the past week. I hope she ends it before it is too late. Good luck to you and your family.
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