BLOG » reader submission: letter to the father of the girl my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with, and is now dating… (should i send it?)

Hi Alexi,

My boyfriend has been cheating on me with a single-mom from our hometown. He has been taking her out publicly and even took her to Valentine’s Day dinner. My friends from my hometown didn’t tell me because they thought that since he was being so open, that we had broken up. This has, apparently, been going on for quite some time. I did warn the girl when I found out about the cheating but clearly she did not listen as they are now in a relationship – one week after I ended mine.I did not send this letter to the father but wish I could. I just wanted to warn this new girl’s father of her new boyfriend’s deceptive and manipulative ways because the same thing is gonna happen to her and it saddens me.

Thanks,

here is the letter:

Hi,

Look, you don’t know me… but I think there are some things that you need to know about your daughter’s new boyfriend.  He is my ex-boyfriend, but I am not “the crazy ex” nor do I want him back in any way, shape, or form.  I want nothing to do with him other than to let you know what I have experienced.  I honestly just don’t want another person to get burned by him.  Dave has a history of manipulating and using others for his own personal gratification.  He is a drug addict and cares about no one but himself.  Up until February 17, 2012, Dave was my boyfriend.  We met in August 2010 and have been dating for approximately 1 year and 3 months.  This was up until I found out that he had been having a public relationship, in our hometown, with your daughter.  I go to school in MA and he has been coming up to see me every weekend and taking your daughter on dates, to bars, and to dinners during the weekdays.  This has been happening for quite some time considering they have been co-workers since October.

Once I learned that Dave had been carrying on an open, public relationship in our hometown, I lost all love and respect I had had for him.  It was as if I had no idea who I had been with for the better part of a year and a half.  I felt disgusted.  He said he loved me so much and acted as if nothing was wrong when he visited.  In fact, the last weekend he was here (Feb 12), it was one of the best of our relationship.  It was fun, he was very interested and loving and revealed new personal stories, and I honestly felt more in love with him than previously.  But, that was all a cover apparently.  I thought he had improved from his deceitful ways in the past, but this was not the case.  He is a coward and didn’t even have the decency to tell me about his cheating; I had to learn from friends who thought we were not even dating since he was being so open with another girl.  Even when I called to confront him, he originally denied it multiple times –even when I had proof of him kissing/cuddling your daughter on Valentine’s Day.  He said, “I love you so much. This is not true.  Who do I have to beat up? The only girls I hang out with are you and my neighbor Jenny…”  This was yet another lie.

I have been there in support through his time in rehab, his five months at the sober house in North Carolina, and his move back to CT.  I was his support.  He called me for support and I was there every step of the way.  However, his cheating was the ultimate betrayal.  Lying has always been an issue for him.  He lied to everyone for years about his issues with drugs among other things.  His exaggerations are lies. He may have mentioned to you and your family an extremely large trust fund, a house in California, or his crazy stories…He doesn’t have a house in California.  He doesn’t have a large inheritance.  He wasn’t single when he started dating your daughter either.  We are not the only ones who are blind-sided.  His own parents believe his exaggerations are simply “enthusiastic” and they thought that he “only dabbled in drugs…”

For quite some time, I noticed that during the week, he would be acting sketchy –always out, not answering my calls etc.  I’ve asked him time and time again if there is anything he needs to tell me or if he is happy or if there is even someone else. I would have appreciated the honesty especially after the betrayal last March of his addiction to coke and heroin.  I knew this relationship would end eventually, I knew he wasn’t “the one”.  I was getting sick of having to track down my own boyfriend to have a conversation.  But, we would always resolve issues for a while before they would revert back to the old ways.  He has lied and disrespected me throughout this relationship and I truly don’t want to see him do this to your daughter.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  After finding out that he has been cheating on me for quite some time, he didn’t express any remorse, offer an explanation, or at the very least an apology.  And I know what you are thinking.. “He is so charming, so funny, so outgoing..”  Yes, he is.  Of course, that is the initial draw.  But, he is also manipulative, a compulsive liar, and a cheater.  He has admitted to cheating on every girlfriend he has ever had. Yet, told me he could never do that to me. I figured that I was different since our relationship had been his second longest and we had been through so much together and lasted through these hardships.  I stuck by him.  He was my first boyfriend and I loved him deeply but sadly, this whole relationship was a sham.  I was just blinded by love and I know 100% what your daughter is feeling.  He seems too good to be true. He is so friendly and caring but it’s all a façade.  He will use her and move on.  He sets up relationships before the one he is in at the time officially ends.  Look, call me the crazy ex – fine, but I am simply trying to warn you and your family.  He has put me through hell with his lies..lies about doing drugs, rumors about other women, who he is with, and what he is doing etc.  He is not a “real man” as I saw you say on their changed relationship status.  What real man lives expense-free with his parents at twenty-seven years old, has his mom do his laundry and make his lunches for work…He is a loser.  I knew this, yet again, I overlooked it because I was so in love with him and the nice things he said to me and did for me etc.  I hoped he would change.  I will never put myself through this again or ignore my gut feelings again.

I want to save your daughter from the heartache, stress, betrayal, and lies that she will eventually experience just as others have.  Dave is unwell.  He is addicted to love, drugs, lying, and relationships.  In fact, he met me one night after he broke up with his girlfriend, Melissa.  Then we started hanging out as friends in the weeks after, although I had been wary since he was fresh out of a relationship…He then, out of the blue, (again), changes his relationship status to “in a relationship” with a woman named Amy.  He dates her for about two weeks and ends that relationship…We started hanging out and probably officially dating by end of November approximately..In that short time span (August to November) he had three “girlfriends”.  I made the terrible mistake of being girlfriend number 3 in that time span and now your daughter is making the same mistake as I had ( exactly one week after I ended my relationship with Dave)..Dave cannot be alone.  He is extremely selfish and it sickens me how he can abuse people for financial/emotional/physical/sexual support.  I’ve already nicely messaged your daughter last week and just wanted to let her know what she was getting herself into… Clearly, either she didn’t take what I said to heart or Dave convinced her otherwise…something that he has done with me this whole relationship…Constantly convincing me that he is not doing anything bad and I believed him each time.  Now that my relationship is over, it is a breath of fresh air and I am relieved to have such a life-sucking individual gone from my life for good.  As her father, I just wanted to let you know what will happen down the road and that she needs to think what is best for her and her young son…She needs to realize it and perhaps she will need to experience it just like I had to because I too refused to listen to the advice of others just as she has…I don’t know your daughter whatsoever, but I want her to know that sooner or later, it is all going to crumble and she is going to be left with a broken heart and he will have a new “girlfriend” in a week. She will be so hurt and be asking “how could he do this” just like I’ve been saying the past week.  I hope she ends it before it is too late.  Good luck to you and your family.

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31 Responses to “reader submission: letter to the father of the girl my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with, and is now dating… (should i send it?)”

  1. do not send this. butt out. he will get what he deserves. you shouldn’t have messaged her either. You say you aren’t the crazy ex-girlfriend, not that you are crazy but by doing all of this you are acting like the crazy ex-girlfriend. No matter how many warnings you give, if he is as manipulative as you claim he will convince those people you are wrong. Let them see for themselves who he is.


  2. Good you got it all out on paper. Now never ever send it. It’s none of your business – you already warned her, she ignored you, leave it be now. She’s a big girl, can make her own mistakes. You aren’t a schoolteacher ringing her parents about missed homework assignments! & let’s face it, be truthful to yourself, you don’t want to contact the father to protect the daughter from boyfriend’s bad ways — you just want to cause enough trouble to break them up, so boyfriend will hurt as much as you did when he did this to you.
    You’re in a lot of pain & heartbreak & that SUCKS. Nobody’s discounting that. But keep the butthurt to yourself, & do what’s best for everyone especially yourself, & MOVE ON, have a wonderful life not worrying about these two losers :)


  3. PS. I’m sorry but 90% of that letter is the most whiny of butthurts… The new girlfriend’s father is not your therapist, why on earth would you tell him all your emotional feelings & life story? Good grief get a grip & get over all of these absolute LOSERS!


  4. Don’t send this!!! Its great that you wrote this down, and it helps you sort out your feelings but it’s not your business to send this. You will just end up looking crazy when he tells his son about this letter.


  5. do.not.send.

    it makes you sound creepy, desperate, and totally the “crazy ex-girlfriend” even if you are not. who gives a shit about some random girl that you don’t know that’s screwing your loser of an exbf? move on with your life, you deserve better and let these two people screw their lives up as they please!


  6. I used to love this blog but it seems now its 80% reader submissions from 16 year olds. Seriously man, you start your letter with “i’m not the crazy ex”, then you proceed to hammer out paragraph after paragraph of crazy-ex nonsense.

    I miss the days when Alexei posted more regularly ;( I don’t mean to talk shit or anything but come. The rantings of juveniles with underdeveloped comprehension of relationships does not an interesting blog make.


  7. Agreed Jake. As a 20-something reader I’d love to get read some posts/submissions not based on the lives of teenagers.


  8. ok jake and molly. i’ll start writing way more. thanks for the reminder. xo


  9. eww. why is this here?


  10. if you want to send it, i think you should own being “the crazy ex” and just send it. sometimes being “the crazy ex” feels good and helps you get over it much quicker. but own it, and know what the repercussions are. (i.e. people thinking you’re crazy…but who cares?)


  11. What I don’t understand is how you start off explaining how horrible of a person he is, followed by how much in love you were with him right before you broke up with him, back to how terrible he is again.
    Sounds like you want the father to influence his daughter to break up with him but instead all this will do is make you seem crazy.
    Don’t send it. Let it go if he was so tragically terrible and horrible to you. You owe the girl nothing to warn her or her family.


  12. oh my god. no. how could you even consider sending this? writing it as a therapeutic exercise is a good idea. now move on. this is unhealthy.


  13. This was written almost three weeks ago and of course I would never send it! It was purely a purge of my thoughts at the time. And it is honest writing. I have moved on and could care less about saving anyone. She was warned and choose to ignore it. And I truly hope he treats her differently than girlfriends past.


  14. i understand the need for closure and being almost obsessed with a relationship situation. i am that crazy ex for a lot of guys. i was the one showing up at their door in the middle of the night, drunk, asking what happened for the millionth time. the only thing that came out of it was me feeling more shitty and realizing later how much time i wasting on selfish, childish, boys that didn’t deserve any of it. thanks for your letter, it is honest and that’s better than people in lifeless relationships, lying to themselves. i like crazy.


  15. sorry, *how much time i wasted


  16. This is ridiculous. Absolutely do not send. You’ve already informed the girl herself of the situation, and she chose not to listen. This is her decision, not her father’s, to make.

    And like, whatever, get over it.


  17. Crazy ex! Boring post!


  18. SERIOUSLY DO NOT SEND THIS

    if you simply MUST send it, then send it to the girl, NOT HER FATHER. that’s just FUCKED UP. SERIOUSLY. HOW CAN YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT. WHAT THE FUCK. getting some ones parents involved???????? you must be 13…..


  19. Your intentions to save someone from heartbreak may be really sincere, but this message is completely inappropriate to send and this should be obvious. You don’t send this type of message in a letter to ANYONE. It is clearly a diary-type rant, as it does not sound like you are even talking TO anyone else, with a purpose other than simply expressing all your anger towards your ex the breakup. This is not truly a letter and it is completely wrong to send. Do not try to personally contact her or her family (or stalk their Facebook’s??) and send them these types of Facebook messages, as that will only CONFIRM the assertion that you are a psycho-obsessed and bitter ex girlfriend. The best thing you can do is keep to yourself, begin to move past your ex and if you absolutely MUST warn his girlfriend, try to find someone like a mutual friend to talk to first who may be able to talk to her. She will probably be, if not already, very cautious or suspicious of you, and any messages from you that tell her to break up with your ex, as you are the ex-girlfriend, obsessed or not.


  20. this letter is addressed to someone but you should really be addressing it to yourself. open it in the mail. get over it. are you going to find the next girl he dates after this one and send this letter or are you going to bequeath this duty to his current girlfriend. wash your hands of this and get on with your shit.


  21. ok obviously this isn’t from some teenager. the guy is 27 years old. AND stop hating on the writers. every time i read a submission everyone just hates on them…. most of these people are hurt.. even if they are wrong in what they have done or whatever… have some fucking sympathy.

    at first i thought you should send this but then i realized you shouldn’t. especially since you already messaged the girl – and she ignored you – that means if he does screw her over, that its just her fault. she was warned about his crazy ways and she didn’t listen.
    i think it’s a great letter and i’m really sorry for what you have gone through. :/ but it sounds like you are already getting over it, and it is good that he is out of your life.


  22. Yeah, except by putting their shit out on the internet, they are making themselves available to be criticized, and they should be aware of that before they submit anything to a blog.
    Not to mention, I really don’t think anyone is “hating” here. When someone posts something like this, they’re looking to receive other people’s opinions, which is what she got. It’s not our fault this is a dumb idea.


  23. Yaay to Lauren! Totally agree with everything you said.


  24. Dido with Lauren as well. I like the reader submissions. I feel like it gives a better sense of community, which I enjoy.

    Also, to the writer, I know exactly what kind of person your ex is because I dated someone JUST LIKE HIM. After we broke up I found out he was dating an old friend of ours, and wanted to warn her, but never got the guts to do it. They aren’t together anymore, and since then we have reignited a friendship. It has been very therapeutic for the both of us to share our experiences. It’s also weird, because he repeats the same toxic/abusive behavior to every girl he gets with. Basically, I would say that down the road, she may thank you, and perhaps, need some validation for what she went through. Kudos to you for being strong and getting away from him. xo


  25. Are you kidding?! Don’t send that shit. Mind your own business. Let someone else make their own mistakes and stay the fuck out of her relationships with your ex and with her family.

    You are fucking crazy.


  26. don’t send it, you’ll just end up regretting it. just because he’s acted in an immature and inconsiderate way doesn’t mean you have to. also, i agree. im sick of reading stories from 16 year olds.


  27. This reminds me of something I would resurrect from my live journal circa 2001 and be mortified. 1. Don’t send 2. This blog needs more of Alexi’s writing, and if there are reader submissions they should be a hell of a lot more mature than this.


  28. This reminds me of something I would resurrect from my live journal circa 2001 and be mortified. 1. Don’t send 2. This blog needs more of Alexi’s writing, and if there are reader submissions they should be a hell of a lot more mature than this.

    And lauren just because the dude is 27 does not mean he isn’t dating a teenager. I’m pretty sure anyone who is 27 that is still pulling this shit could only get someone bellow the age of 19


  29. At first, I thought you should have sent this but now I’m glad you didn’t!

    Your ex sounds like total scum… and I think that the girl will probably go for any guy who is interested in a single mom, so even if deep in her heart, she knows you are right, she will go on with the illusion that your ex is really “the one” unless someone else shows her interest.

    I just got out of a breakup too, although not nearly as harsh as yours, but I know how much it hurts :( I’m here for you girl! xo


  30. I cant believe it , he proposed to me , I love you [email protected] , everything went as you said . you are really blessed!!!


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