BLOG » a momentary distraction…
once upon a time, a long long time ago… i met a boy. he sought me out, and i didn’t really understand why. he was so many things, all at once:
cute and neat and fucked up and manic and talented and kooky and weird and inspiring and manipulative and charismatic, and in the most technical sense, unavailable. i was drawn to him, even though i knew better. he made me happy and excited. he made my heart beat faster. he confused me, and made me feel as though he might be lying to me the majority of the time, mixed with the vibe that he was being more candid with me than anyone else is capable of. but i’ll make that description sound more romantic and upbeat by summing it up as: he intrigued me. i felt special around him. i saw me in him. and although we never had sex, there were nights where i thought about him inside me. but these were only occasional/passing fantasies in my mind’s eye, while i lay in the dark. but overall the connection was more emotional, and cerebral than anything else… but only because we couldn’t be physical. he was spoken for. but why did he seek me out? why was he doing this to me? was he a bipolar, ego maniacal, monster? or did he really just like me and this was a complicated situation? was i living in my own woody allen movie? how exciting! but why did this feel way less funny and glamorous and more like a constant power/ego struggle?
most of the time, i didn’t trust a word he said. it was like he was trying to cast a spell on me, but he didn’t realize i was the wrong girl to do that with. i needed a distraction just as badly as he did, but the difference between us was that i was completely free and had nothing to lose and could do whatever i want… and was too smart to fall for his bullshit or believe his explanations of ‘how things were and why they were that way and what it all was, what it might be like if we were in love, if we were together, but why we couldn’t be together… at least for now. blah blah blah’ but HE was the one tied to a life he was unsure of. not me. the joke was on him.
at first i wasn’t even attracted to him. but then he won me over. i gave in to his advances and attention. fuck! i got sucked in. how did this happen?
he promised me nothing, so he was guilty of nothing… right? i mean, i wasn’t even asking for anything. i just wanted him to admit that he was being reckless with someones feelings. mine. well, not JUST mine.
i could see him and his situation so clearly. he had so many issues and obstacles and responsibilities he was trying to compartmentalize and ignore. i saw this. and he did too, i think. but while he thought he was explaining things away to me and convincing me of something and manipulating me, even though it may have only been benevolent and sub conscious… ultimately i felt sorry for him. i was just a by-product of his unhappiness/unfulfillment. but now i was emotionally involved. i mean, i’m ONLY human!
i was drawn to him because i found him fascinating (but i’m sure it had to do with daddy issues and an inclination to be attracted to unavailable dudes too) and i wanted a play thing too, just like he did. but more than anything, i wanted him to be the EXCEPTION to the rule. a concept he threw out to me when i’d been more cavalier about the whole situation. (i wanted to believe that i was special and that he really liked ME and his attention/crush on me was a unique situation. one that he’d never experienced. after all, there are no rules, right? weirder shit happens all the time, right? oh jesus. i knew i was lying to myself. he was getting in my head. fuck! i was so much better than this, so much smarter than this!) and yes, i didn’t feel safe with him… at all, and i never would. because the ideal man you fall in love with is one that makes you feel safe and is impeccable with his word, and this guy was NOT that guy. but this was a delicate dance i was willing to try… for at least a little while. some days i felt romantic. some days i felt annoyed. but mostly i was excited to be distracted and live in a grey zone for a bit. i tried to lie to myself and tell myself i was just as emotionally unavailable as him. but that was a lie. i was available. i could be available. and that was the most heartbreaking thing about all this… if i were allowed to, i would have loved to be completely FULL BLOWN in love with him! instead, i told myself that i was too busy and too smart to fall into this emotional death trap… at least whole heartedly… but i was falling more and more every day, against my better judgement.
i told myself it wouldn’t get hard for me or be hurtful for me as long as i knew that i couldn’t get vulnerable. but as tough as i pretend to be… i’m painfully vulnerable. and our phone calls, texts, and casual flirty asides just sucked me in more and did my head in. i liked him. i wanted to be with him. even though i’d never be able to trust him because the foundation of our relationship was cracked and the situation in which we’d met was shady. how did i let this happen?
there were moments i got sad about it; because had this been someone (just as funny and cute and inspiring) who was as free/available as me… it could have been the most wonderful, explosive, crazy, passionate, creative experience/union ever! with limitless possibilities for romance and adventure and epic sexxx. but this just wasn’t the case. at least it made me clear on what i longed for; what i craved and would hopefully find with someone else in the future… be it near or far. at least this unavailable person gave me a bittersweet taste of that… and i didn’t hate him for it. i was frustrated, but thankful. and maybe we would even at least be friends for a long time? (i doubt it.)
so, for whatever reason, i pushed logic aside because it’s what i felt compelled to get mixed up in. i needed to do this. and by ‘do this’ i just mean keep him in my life/be around him… even though i knew this wouldn’t end well (for me) and that he was really selfish to seek me out, get in my head, and play with my heart/affections… when ultimately, he’d NEVER be available to me.
but at that time in my life, i needed this distraction to get me to my NEXT distraction/life lesson. i needed a beautiful mind fuck. it’s not cheating if it’s MIND fucking… right?