BLOG » reader submission: ‘the other woman’

dear alexi,

where do you draw the line on being the other woman?

i’m constantly approached by sexy, confident men that offer a false sense of comfort and companionship, later to find out they have a girlfriend. am i meant to just go along with it, pretend i don’t know about her and take it as an experience? or, continue as i do, by walking away from him when confronted by the truth? so far, i’ve always walked away; but am i missing out on something? will it just end in tears and crushed love? or perhaps a fabulous affair?

being constantly left curious or wondering annoys me. i’m a dreamer, and i hope for greatness- i guess it emotionally marks me when i make the decision to abort- but sometimes, i don’t want to… i want to be with him. maybe we’d fall in love and be together. am i being too considerate of a relationship that is not my own? maybe she treated him badly, but then am i a rebound, a the knife that stabs her in the back?

or is he just an asshole and i’m lucky enough to get out before it’s tragic and cliché?









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16 Responses to “reader submission: ‘the other woman’”

  1. So you have a tendency to fall for/attract unavailable men. Should I ask what is your relationship with your dad?

  2. If you are a dreamer and hope for greatness, this really isn’t it. You’ll never get from these types of guys what you really want. The reality is you are attracting/attracted to men who are unavailable because maybe there’s part of you that doesn’t know what you want? do you even want a committed relationship? You won’t get that from someone who HAS a girlfriend. You attract what feels comfortable… start owning how you feel about yourself, don’t let these dumb bros come up to you and you run with it.
    You can own your sexuality and attractiveness, be the person who walks away when its not good for you, be the woman who approaches men you actually like and not just going with someone else’s drama! You can do it! Try being alone for a while, to think about what you may actually want – go out with your friends to be out with them and not for male attention.

  3. I notice a lot of question marks and maybes, so this should probably remain hypothetical. “or is he just an asshole and i’m lucky enough to get out before it’s tragic and cliché?” YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. While you’re at it, do some fun activities and soul searching to boost your self-esteem/confidence, because girls with high self-esteem and confidence don’t think this way.

  4. I’ve been the other woman in a handful of situations – some as one night stands, some as longer affairs. It never ends with you both together. Even if he tells you that he wishes he could be with you, if he tells you that he’s going to break up with her and be with you – none of that ever happens. All that happens is that she finds out, things get really awkward, and then eventually you both can hardly even talk in public without realizing all the stares you’re getting and see all the whispers and you eventually are not even really able to be friends because every time you talk, it reminds him that he was an asshole.

    Don’t bother – it isn’t worth it.

  5. ALEXIIII!! You are on GIRLS!! Congrats!! So proud and happy for you!

  6. Quit dreaming and have a backbone. These guys have girlfriends. They won’t leave their girlfriends for you. You may succeed in breaking them up when the poor girl finds out about you but even then, he still won’t be with you nor would he be the type you want anyway.
    Just walk away. Don’t care how much you ‘think you could fall in love’. Don’t be a homewrecker!

  7. He is just an asshole and you’re lucky enough to get out before it’s tragic and cliché.

    If he’s already cheating on a girlfriend for you, he’d probably do the same to you even if he leaves the girl and the two of you end up together.

  8. Okay, well I’ve been on the other side of this situation. The dudes you date need to grow a pair and break it with their ‘girlfriends’ before they start anything else with another woman. You need to think about what kind of dude would date someone else while they’re still in a relationship? What makes you think that he won’t do the same thing to you? You’re too good for that shit… 🙂

  9. honestly, if you’ve been considering this for a while, find out for yourself. wondering what it would be like is nothing like actually finding out what it will be like. why are you asking others? if you really want to find out then do it with the knowledge that anything could happen but most likely nothing will come from it. but don’t consider yourself the girlfriend and don’t close other doors that may lead to an actual boyfriend of your own that you could actually call yourself a girlfriend to.

    draw your own conclusions on the matter.

  10. ive been in the same position and its better i find to back off and wait for them to end it with their girlfriends before anything can really happen. and if they never end it they arent worth it.

  11. this is fucking stupid.

  12. I’m with answer one: nobody exlusively attracts the wrong men unless they have some issies themselves. It’s never ok to butt in on someone else’s relationship, regardless of context.

  13. Dear Anonymous,

    Sorry Alexi, I do not know if this is the most effective way to answer this posting on the blog, but here I go anyway. Well anyway, anonymous I am a man whose current occupation is to screen people. This role has led me to several different roles. One of these is match maker. I did not ask for this role, but because of my advanced degree in psychology I fell into it. A particular woman was looking and asked me to utilize my radar which I kept activated to find someone for her. Let me tell you it was eye opening. I devised screening questions. (1) Name (2) Age (3) Occupation (4) Level of observance (5) Are you marriage minded. Following these broad questions as guideline and the criteria provided me by the woman who requested my services it took me 6 years and 1500 men from which I extracted 3 candidates. From which one was a match and the woman married him last year. On the question are you marriage minded 99% of men fled for the hills. They were the times wasters, players, or those seeking a fuck buddy. If there is another woman involved you do not have a relationship. To be honest men who do this I consider to be 1st rate 3rd rate men. These individuals are narcissitic and down rate evil. These are the eyes you would see staring at you out at you from under a rock. PIGS exist on a higher evolutionary ladder. Secondly, you have to be distinguish between having a relationship with a man and having a man as a improvement project. There are legions of woman who have the latter with the idea that by fixing the defective guy they will conduct some self improvement upon themselves. Let me cut it short, if the man is not loyal now then he will never be, character is not developed over night. It is apart of upbringing. It sounds like you are a genuine valuable person. To save yourself the emotional pain, if you discover trouble hit the eject button and get away before you fall for him. These are people who get off by deceiving and then hurting women. By doing this you will become a better stronger person. Just remember my rhyme when a guy makes you the only one then you are number 1. Such men are 1st rate men and will provide you with the happiness that you are seeking.

    Respectfully yours,


    Assistant Producer KABC radio

  14. DO not get involved with such a man. obviously he has no respect for women if he does not respect hs own girlfriend enough to be faithful. and if your thinking hmm maybe his relationship is bad. well, his girlfriend deserves him to break up with her. either way it is never a good idea to be with such a man. even if it turns into love and he leaves his current girlfriend for you….youll end up like her.
    just find a man that will enjoy you and only you. you deserve that

  15. You say “Confidant Men” but men that don’t break up with their girlfriends don’t believe they can get another better (hotter) girl, so they keep the original as a failsafe. Hows that for confidence.


    I have been the other girl and even if they do leave the person they are with for you, which was what happened in my case… they are never personally fulfilled and will end up doing the exact thing to you too. You start to conjure up fairy tale moments in your head thinking you are the exception and nothing bad will happen. Stop while you can, get out, and the right one will come along, who is alone and who will treat you and respect you right. Because this guy doesnt have much respect for you to do this to you and for his girlfriend. You also have to realize he isnt just cheating on his girlfriend, hes cheating on you too. Respect yourself and dont fall for the trap. Youll end up broken hearted and miserable in an utter state of confusion.

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