BLOG » naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 1 of a gazillion):

so much stuff has happened. i haven’t written about my personal life in a while. i’ve been wanting to, but every time i tried to force myself… i’d do every other thing possible to avoid sitting down and writing. and i’ve been up to so much too! i’ve been having so many adventures, i’ve been using that as an excuse for not writing ‘well i’m too busy collecting stories.’ or ‘i can’t beat myself up for not writing because this is the down time where i’m supposed to experience things and reflect and…. zzzzzzz’. so now i’m sitting down and facing myself. what the fuck have i been up to? what the fuck have i been doing? where do i even start? i got out of a relationship… and the dude i dated is so unattractive to me now, i can’t even look back. however… the sex was great and he was kind. but given the opportunity, i will never sleep with him again. i call that ‘moving backwards’. i’m not saying the stories i’m about to tell you don’t involve me sleeping with guys i vowed never to mess around with again… i just mean, not THAT guy. even as we were breaking up; as i sat in his car during that cliché uncomfortable silence that happens when you sit in a car at night with the person you’re about to not be in a relationship with anymore… while i was semi tearing up, i was doing an internal inventory of the boys i’d been wanting to sleep with/guys i could potentially hook up with now that i was single! guys i’d met, known, seen that i thought ‘hmm… if and when i become single, he seems neat/sexy/cool/interesting… (or) i’d really love to make-out/be fucked by that guy!’ but no one even came to mind!

immediately after the break up, i just kept moving forward (like a shark?) for a moment i was fixated on a guy who was married but that’s not my style. i know better. and that momentary crush dissipated quickly. next i slept with a guy i’d met through a friend. over drinks, he gave me the impression he had split from his girlfriend. but after we slept together, he told me he was married, but that they were in a ‘weird place and taking space’. what the fuck? um, why didn’t anyone think to tell me about this? where was the wedding ring he was supposed to be wearing? why didn’t i know this before he asked me to drinks? fuck! even though this was not my problem, this was definitely NOT the type of experience i wanted to continue or repeat. we remained friends (and by friends, i mean casual acquaintances) but before we said goodbye, i talked to him for a very long while (over the phone) about his options/what his behavior meant. i tried to help him look at himself. but all he had were answers that made him feel less guilty and as if he had his life all figured out/wrapped up in a bow/and an excuse for everything. ha! i was already used to this type of lying one does to ones self from my conversations with the previous married guy i’d tried to psychoanalyze. i was very familiar with this bizarro compartmentalizing and rationalizing people who are too scared to just follow their heart do. they like to explain away to whoever will listen… but really, they’re talking to themselves.

i only had enough energy to say a few words to the guy. cuz this type of convo is exhausting and more often than not, results in nothing changing:  ‘jesus fucking christ, the golden rule is treat people the way you want to be treated! if you don’t want to be with her, leave. the world won’t implode. you’ll both be okay. you’ll be doing each other a service. thank god you two don’t have kids! get out before she accidentally gets pregnant! or what if you cheat on her and get a disease and then give it to HER?! this isn’t ok! how would you feel if your wife walked around without a ring on, acted as if she were single, and slept with someone? probably not so good!’ ‘but she wouldn’t be able to survive without me. she’d crumble. she’s not strong enough. i wait around cuz maybe it’ll get better.’ ‘but how hard is it supposed to be? you’re still young! it’s not supposed to be this hard! you cheated! the trust is gone! this is not ok! oh, you think she wouldn’t be ok without you? she’d crumble? oh, really? fuck you! that is so self-indulgent! she’d be fine! believe me! do her a favor and end it! let her show you how fine she’d be! you’re being a pussy! you’re lying to yourself because you’re scared to be alone, you’re a people pleaser, and you want it both ways! That’s not ok!’

He decided to stay with his wife. yikes. these two back to back experiences with unhappy, confused, unavailable men made me question love/monogamy/and marriage… for a SECOND. then i remembered (after talking to dr. drew during one of my 7th grade style call in’s to loveline on kroq) that these are two very specific cases and don’t represent all men. phew. but why was i attracting such emotionally confused and unavailable men? was it because they were a reflection of me? was i just as confused and unavailable as them? or did they need to meet me because i was the perfect person to have a conversation with to send them back in the right direction… whatever that means? or at least a direction toward living a more clear and honest life? hmmm. who knows? but it didn’t go un-looked at on my end.

next, i went on a date with a SINGLE guy: tall, young, beautiful and totally wrong for me because i was completely uninterested in nearly everything he had to say. i didn’t want to be… but i was. we were in very different place in our lives. he gave me an epic guitar lesson… and that was the highlight. i wished it had been just that. i could have kept having him show me chords forever. he was such a wonderful teacher. thanks to him and our date, i realized that there’s a big difference between being able to play guitar and being able to teach guitar or teach anything in general. you can be a master at something, but it’s a completely different skill to be able to teach someone something. teaching takes patience and the art of communicating clearly.  he was lovely, just not for me. we did not have sex; but he DID try to lick my privates… and i appreciate that!

i had lost a lot of weight at the tail end of my relationship because i’d been stressed from work. however, the week my relationship ended (in an empty indian restaurant on ventura blvd aka ‘the valley’ btw) my life suddenly slowed down. i feared i’d put weight back on… and i did. not a ton. i just went back to my normal self. no big deal. but i used this as an excuse to go into lock down mode. i needed to be alone. i needed to mourn the death of my relationship. i didn’t feel sexy. i didn’t want to be touched. i stayed in and watched bad tv- reality show bullshit, movies, the original 90210, sex and the city, something borrowed, an unmarried woman, broken english. i picked at my skin and tried to self sabotage….

and then out of nowhere, something shifted. i was in a weird place. NO, a NEW weird place. i was (metaphorically speaking) in a waiting room – work wise. i’d had all these meetings about projects and stuff and whatever and now all i could do was wait to hear back from the powers that be.

and even though i was continuing to wake up, breathe, eat, sleep, podcast, do some mediocre blawging and run errands, i felt aimless and a bit hopeless. but my previous isolated/internal depression turned into something else. i felt like i had nothing to lose.

i woke up one day and i no longer cared to stay in all night watching bad tv, hiding up in my apartment.

i wanted to be reckless and get drunk and make out and have sex and adventures. i didn’t give a fuck! was it because it was getting warmer out? no. i was living by a new code. i had a subconscious (now conscious) mantra going on in the back of my mind: ‘we’re all gonna die. it’s just a matter of when and how. so collect as many adventures as possible.’ and that’s when shit got exciting. this is just an intro to the stories to come… (to be continued)

20 Responses to “naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 1 of a gazillion):”

  1. Eeeeee I love you.

  2. YES. This is why I started reading your blog. YOU. Your stories! I know it’s probably really fcking hard to be this candid on the internet on a regular basis, and I know you need your time to chill out/collect stories/reflect on your experiences, but this was so perfect. I’ve missed this. Keep it up girl. And pleeeease don’t keep us waiting too long on the stories to come! Thank you thank you thank you I love you.

  3. I love you when you go out, or when you stay in. You would still be relevant even if all you blogged about were the relative merits between Golden Grahams and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.xo

  4. ugh you’re amazing. i love reading about your adventures. thankyou alexi. much love. xx

  5. ugh you’re amazing. i love reading about your adventures. thankyou alexi. much love. xx

  6. I can understand you not feeling sexy, but look at the package that contains you… You are sexy, but it is a better use of your resources NOT to think so!

  7. ‘we’re all gonna die. it’s just a matter of when and how. so collect as many adventures as possible.’ I absolutely love that!
    Whenever I feel too lazy/unattractive/not happy with myself to go out with my friends and so something fun, I always try to think of the adventure and the story that I’m potentially missing out on. It keeps me going and those times, where I almost stayed in, I’ve had the best adventures!
    Thank you for sharing yours, xoxo

  8. Wow! love it! keep it coming!

  9. Hello, Alexi

    Have you ever considered how people and individuals who have interacted with you perceive you. I would just like to interject that your writings are reminiscent of journals that patients keep who are receiving therapy. From what I’ve read a from this and your interactions you are definitely a “Therapy Baby” Your writing effuse emotional turmoil, you are trying to find your way but nobody in your life provided you with a map of life to provide you with a framework of guidance. Without this you are like an explorer without a map. Your getting totally lost and falling into many of the pitfalls that individuals who grow up with such upbringing are fortunate to have.
    This is not to be derogatory or critical, Dr. Dan just gives advice and especially with the creatures that inhabit the Hollywood area they can take it or leave it.
    SEX for most of us is to consummate or the final phase in a relationship. For you its a far different ball game.

    The men you are seeking out are those that provide you with a sense of POWER AND/OR VALIDATION. Going after a man or woman (I would not be surprised if you experimented) that is unattainable or is not marriage material (FUCK BUDDIES)is not formulating a relationship. but engaging in a personal conquest that brings self satisfaction to some emotional wound or hole in your self that someone or something inflicted that you are trying solve or heal through these self defeating or self destructive repeated rituals. Your dating has evolved into engagements and these repeated engagements have evolved into rituals. These
    repeated episodes are not adventures but repeated dysfunctional episodes of self loathing and hatred.(i wanted to be reckless and get drunk and make out and have sex and adventures.i didn’t give a fuck!) That sentence spells out Ms. Wasser. Second, the sentence (these two back to back experiences with unhappy, confused, unavailable men made me question love/monogamy/and marriage…)You are from a shattered, scattered, tattered family background and to your detriment did not experience growing up a normal family structure to model from) So you continued mishaps are your fumbled way of trying to find it. The third sentence “ha! i was already used to this type of lying one does to ones self from my conversations with the previous married guy i’d tried to psychoanalyze.” Don’t try to psychoanalyze someone else if you do not have the education, experience, or the root of the problem is YOU!You are full of promise, but your communication deficit places you in the lower class and underclass category.No I am not being a pussy (you like that word) The journey of life is a one way ticket. Its not to late for you yet to jump onto a better train. P.S. do you ever read the responses to your blogs or are you too afraid to validate.

    With Sentiments of Caring and Sharing
    Dr. Dan
    A Simple Man trying to Survive in a Complex World.:)

  10. Celine Marylin Manson is so gay…please no more if his scattered stories…yest I’m crazy…have more fun…

  11. “These repeated episodes are not adventures but repeated dysfunctional episodes of self loathing and hatred.” –EXACTAMENTE, Dr. Fucking Dan! You’d have be a retard not to take one glance this bullshit and figure that’s what’s going on here. Go bathe in some more radiation….

  12. Alexi, you’re awesome. Pouring your heart out for everyone… it’s very raw which is why I love it. Keep up the adventures!

  13. just so everyone knows, ‘dr. dan’ is a total creep that i actually met at the super market one day. to my face he was very nice and introduced himself as a fan. and i was nice in return. however he has continued to send bizarre emails to my personal email address and leave crazy, long comments on my blog posts before and after he introduced himself to me when he saw me in public. dan, you’re not exactly my demographic, and no one is putting a gun to your head forcing you to read this website. i don’t need your relentless advice or concern as if you know me or my family- as if i would ever listen to you or take your advice. you know what i share. i know me. i know what choices i’m making. i’m looking at myself and the world around me very honestly and putting it all under a microscope. i suggest you do the same, and start living your own life instead of leaving long winded comments on some girls blog. i like who i am. i’m brave and ballsy and facing myself and walking through my issues and experiences. and by doing that, maybe i’l make other people feel less alone, or better about themselves, or entertained. meanwhile, you’re some old blog fan hiding behind his computer. but, yes, obviously since i choose to share my adventures in a public forum, i understand i leave myself open to creeps… but if i ever see you again in public, i’m calling the police. they already have a record of your emails and comments. stay away from me.

  14. Is this your John Edwards moment? “God still has a plan for me… I’m balsy, I’m brave, look at all the kids I’ve saved!” #narcissism P.S. any use of DEMOGRAPHIC externally, before your demographic, is quite offensive, really… That’s like saying “you’re not really my style of idiot zombie.” But “Don’t try to psychoanalyze someone else if you do not have the education, experience, or the root of the problem is YOU! [SIC]” Can, like, TOOOTALLY agree up until the “full of promise part,” Dr. Dan! That shit reads like a Facebook update!

  15. You are a very “stream of consciousness” type of writer, but rather than being annoying, it’s actually pretty entertaining. I look forward to reading what happens next!

  16. Dear Dr. Dan,
    Do you ever truly read Lexi’s posts? Or do you merely seek to pick out bits and pieces, and twist them to support what are obviously your preconceived notions AKA presumptuous OPINIONS. There is no need to put a “DR” in front of your name, in your poorly masked attempt to VALIDATE what comes out of your mouth. Besides, no DOCTOR would hide behind improper English.
    There is a big difference between “YOUR” & “YOU’RE”, you should figure that out ASAP. Then hopefully you can move onto bigger things, like the difference between COMMAS & PERIODS, and when to use them.

    Kind Regards,
    Dr. Nike

  17. Nothing worse than seventeen little sycophants in a row… Hey, Dr. Nike, probably not the best venue to take up the grammar discussion: “Do you ever truly read Lexi’s posts?” Or do you merely seek to ignore the fourth grade level of literacy reflected here? How ’bout these facts: the true “demo” is actually some ultra loser, middle age male, Dr. Dan, the L.A. radio producer at Whole Foods shit, and it always has been. But “COMMAS & PERIODS, and imma show you how to foolishly SPLICE the fuck out of a goddamn sentence while giving grammar tips.” Laugh… out… loud… #LOSERTOWN P.S. go tell your bro to keep telling us how hard he works #ONTWITTER

  18. Hello, Alexi.
    You are welcome to take all my correspondance we have had and take it down to West Hollywood Division. There is not a shred of it in which I have left offensive or derogatory emails for you. I am by far a creep and very well known in the community. I met you once at closing time at the market, introduced myself and then went on my way. That on camera if you want to subpoena it. That encounter last no more than 20 seconds. I even informed you in prior emqails that for professional reasons I maintain my distance and have never approached you in public and I think you know that. Moreover, I am not a creep and actually quite nice and there are many in my demographic who enjoy reading your posts. The one you sent me above is one of the reasons you appeared on the radar. You created a blog and I only meant to induce and create discussion not in any way to personally attack you. I dont 🙂 pay attention to grammar when typing on blogs. You created a blog and so like any one in my field i wanted to generate open discussion nothing more. i am going to continue to circulate in the west hollywood and hollywood area as before. But I would like to emphasize I have always kept my distance from you and the market has great cameras to attest to this fact. I and many others like your site. Let me emphasize everything you said about yourself is true and it attests to your talent. The last thing I meant was to hurt you emotionally.

    Nice Dr. Dan
    Assistant Producer KABC Radio

  19. hey alexi this is billy,at the end of the story, you should have put”things to cum .

  20. How’s things, awesome blog however there is a issue whereby sometimes I am sent back to the main page when I view different webpages in your blog.

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