BLOG » naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 2):

 

(continued from HERE)

it was a Wednesday night. was it a full moon? it may as well have been. i canceled my podcast to meet a friend of mine at some hollywood party he invited me to; a directors birthday. i knew ahead of time i’d be drinking: partly because i was wanting to have a crazy night and partly cuz i knew i’d be self-conscious going to a party alone and hanging out with famous people. it was all very conscious: i’d had a conversation/checked in with myself (as my therapist would say) and made the decision to get drunk that night and have an adventure; be it a make out, radome sex, an orgy, a threesome, or just end up naked in a hot tub. i had no idea… but i wanted to get weird.

i ate a big macro at m cafe for dinner to line my stomach. i drove to the party, which in hind sight was SUPER stupid (do people ever say ‘soups stoops’?) because i knew i was gonna drink. i totally should have cabbed it. oh well, i handled it all fine. we’ll get to how, later. i pulled up, gave the valet my car (sometimes i forget to take off my bizarro prius key/button thing, and go into wherever it is i’m going leaving the valet in the lurch… but NOT this time! it was a sign! tonight was gonna be a good night! or just memorable!?) i passed by men in bow ties pointing which way to go up the stairs to get to where the party was happening. i navigated walking on the tiniest, most NARROW sliver of concrete between a wall and a pool, praying i didn’t topple in upon arrival. i would have DIED! DIED!

i wondered if i might end up in the pool later, topless with all the other party goers. and hopefully only the most good-looking of the bunch! but that was neither here no there. i didn’t have time to wonder about ridiculous NONENSE… hey look, there’s my friend! he wasn’t exactly a friend. he was an acquaintance i’d known for a while. i’d always been attracted to him… but something about him scared me. was it the fact that i thought he might be mean and have no feelings? yes! also, i just didn’t feel safe with him. and yet i was drawn to him. he has nice eyes and is really smart. unfortunately i knew i’d never get close enough to really learn from him. and for political reasons, i could never date him… cuz i’m taller and he dated my friend. i’m actually kind of over the height thing. kind of. also, i knew if i ever slept with him… he would turn on me in an instant. we would no longer even have the casual semblance of a friendship we were pretending to have. which at least involved witty banter and occasional texting. i love being able to text with people i don’t know very well about the deepest darkest most honest thoughts i’m having at any given moment. it’s like emotional chat roulette, except without the visuals, and in twitter form. n e wayz…

i said hello to my friend who’d invited me, immediately ordered a vodka soda, sat down next to that dude who wrote that movie, i know, right?! i ran into people i knew that i didn’t expect to see. one of which was a beautiful girl, whose face always makes me happy when i see it. she was dressed ONLY/ALL in red. this would only add to the night!

me and my girlfriend in red (who is like a foot shorter than me btw) did laps and took in the party: holy shit! a rapper i’d had a crush on for like 2 weeks, a weird indie pop star girl with lip injections wearing flats (later i was so happy to see her eating a cup cake… it just made her more likable) and a bevy of other people i’ll get to…

one drink turned into four and before i knew it i was negotiating a threesome with a pale skinned, bloated (i’m assuming from pills), yet charming and smart gothy pop star with weird eyes and his hot babe girlfriend who said that if we all  were to have sex- i was only allowed to have sex with her and not him. wait, what? what kind of bullshit threesome was this turning into… BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED!? i don’t think so! i mean, yes, i know at some point in my life i’ll be out of experiences to experience and will want to learn how to lick pussy… but i wasn’t there yet; and it sure as hell wasn’t gonna happen in a situation being labeled as some MOCK threesome! no dice. it’s for the best though, as i was almost positive the pop star had herpes. on a side note, my gynecologist says  everyone has herpes and that getting it is only a matter of time… but i don’t have it, and (knock on wood) i’d like to keep it that way. yikes.

this party was actually like a herpes land mine. i should have stayed home. NOT! anyways, i dodged that std bullet and moved on to gossiping with actors, an ex boyfriend that thinks i’m a nutcase (why? just because i kept repeating my latest mantra “we’re all gonna die! it’s just a matter of when and how! you have to get weird and be brave and collect as many experiences as possible!” followed by “so, total hypothetical, if we were to have sex… would you buy me pancakes tomorrow morning?”) and keeping tabs on the rapper hyphenate. it’s important to ALWAYS have a goal! and my goal of the evening quickly solidified. actually, in this case, i had several 1. don’t get herpes and 2. have sex with a rapper.

on my way to the ladies room, i made out with the guy who invited me to the party (whoops) which was awesome, but it had to be put on ice cuz he had his eye on the singer with lip injections, i had my sights set on the rapper… and this wasn’t a time to fuck around! we could make out ANYTIME! during our kiss the babely director dude walked in (does that mean i’ll never be able to kiss him?) and i ran away, pushing my friend toward lip injections as i linked back up with my bff in red. we found the rapper on a patio… (to be continued)


11 Responses to “naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 2):”

  1. STORY IS SO GOOD!! HAD ME ROLLING. LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!


  2. is lip injections lana del rey?


  3. lips is lana del rey, rapper is tyler the creator, yes? lol
    awesome story, keep it up! :)


  4. omg im loving this story. i’m dealing with studying for f-ing finals right now at college.. this is a great distraction :)


  5. “on a side note, my gynecologist says everyone has herpes and that getting it is only a matter of time…”

    AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *continues horrified screaming!!*


  6. i was thinking lip injections was Lana Del Rey too! and also Tyler The Creator, but alexi has met him before right? :/ and…who do you guys think the director guy is?


  7. No comment on this one because Alexi will shoot me!, even though I am tempted to say something. :(


  8. at least tell us if the rapper makes good music…


  9. I have this strong feeling that this rapper is A$AP Rocky….


  10. I feel sorry for the young women and teenage girls who are reading your blog, who have contracted the herpes virus. A tough situation that they are in and you’re just making them feel worse. It’s not a life threatening virus and for 90% of the people who have the anti-bodies, they show no symptoms.

    But there is a lot of shame to the virus, and people like you contribute to it. Thanks for your service on making young people feel dirty, shitty and unwanted.


  11. I think the rapper was RZA from Wu Tang Clan.


Leave a Reply