BLOG » reader submission: ‘wondering if my boyfriend is gay’

Hi Alexi,

I’m in a tough spot. To keep it brief, I’m 22 years old, in a long distance relationship and I’m wondering if my boyfriend is gay. Here are some reasons why I think this may be true:

-When we first started dating, he said he doesn’t need sex if I’m not ready (What guy says that?)
-He dresses really nicely, (which I like, he’s totally cute)
-When he was really drunk he asked me, “Would you still love me if I was gay?” And I said, “Of course, but not in the same way.” Upon asking if he was gay, he said “No, I’m just a weirdo.”  (What the fuck does that mean?)
-It’s been over a month since he moved and he’s only called me twice and skyped once, (he blames it on his parents being around, he’s not allowed to have a girlfriend who isn’t of his ethnicity…but he could totally walk outside and call me.)
-Sometimes I’ll text him something kind of sexy and he responds with a joke. (I’m not kidding.)

The list goes on. I really care about him and I know he cares about me to. But I’m just wondering where this is going and if it’s worth it and if it’s not, how do I break it off? Do I call him, write a FB message, start a text conversation or write and mail a detailed letter?

Please, please help. I love your blog and I think you offer sage advice, like all the time.

Thank you for your time!

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17 Responses to “reader submission: ‘wondering if my boyfriend is gay’”

  1. IT’S TOTALLY WORTH ITTT! JUST HANG IN THERE, DON’T GIVE UP HOPE!


  2. He is definitely gay. There isn’t a straight guy in the WORLD who would ask if you would like him “if he was gay?” He was testing the waters of coming out. This is a long journey for him and you can be friends with him but stop wasting time it’s not worth it for you! Dump him (nicely, and stay friends if you can). Good luck!!!


  3. Just typed out a very long response and when attempted to post got a message saying my post appeared “spammy” and to try again. Oh well.


  4. Go with your gut. If you think he’s gay, try talking to him about and tell him your concerns about the relationship. Regardless if he’s gay or not, those things are still things you will need to work out. :)

    You say look.. I NEED SEX.
    You never call me and I would like to talk to you.. what’s the deal?! He also needs to tell his parents that it’s 2012 and he can date whoever the fuck he wants.


  5. Just ask him.

    If he says no, basically all you have to do is repeat your post to him. It’s all about communication… Especially if you are considering marrying him someday.

    My father came out of the closet when I was 14 and it’s a really terrible thing for a (gay) man and his family to go through. (Not to say that I’m not glad he gets to live the lifestyle he wants now)…


  6. “I’M GAY.” <> (“you’re ugly, and i don’t want to have sex with you!”)


  7. He’s either cheating or he’s queer, or both. Move on.


  8. Bummer. You definitely need to move on because the relationship doesn’t seem balanced (on his end) and it seems like he’s attempting to distance himself from you (definitely not too good of a sign).

    It’s cool though. You’ll be able to remain friends in the case that he is gay if it’s not too much to handle.

    If he’s not gay… awesome!! But he needs to check himself before he wrecks himself/the relationship.

    It’ll all work out. I second Lauren though–go with the gut.


  9. This sounds like exactly what happened to a friend of mine. He’s gay. If he says he’s not you’ll marry him and he’ll just end up coming out of the closet 10 years into your marriage. Break up with him now and try to salvage a friendship.


  10. Maybe he doesn’t know if he is. That can happen.


  11. What kind of guy is he if he says he doesn’t need sex if you’re not ready? I dunno, maybe a DECENT one?
    Not all guys who like to look good also like the dick.
    Sometimes people say weird things or come up with stupid scenarios in their head when they’re drunk.
    Some people aren’t comfortable with sexting.
    ERGO, I don’t really think any of this is a sure sign of him being a homo.
    But if you’re GUT is telling you something’s off, it probably is.
    Furthermore, it’s obvious to me that this relationship is not going to work if you continue down the same path that you are now, even if he’s
    actually crazy about cooter, for the following reasons:
    1. He’s texted you twice in a month? Sounds uninterested to me. Obviously a move to a different city is quite a transition and a lot of his time may be taken up by adjusting to this change, more than twice a month is far from unreasonable to expect.
    2. If the reason for so little communication is in fact because of his parents’ beliefs about ethnicity and relationships, and not because he is cheating or uninterested, that doesn’t make it okay. And even if there was more communication but he was hiding it from his parents, it still wouldn’t be okay. He can’t hide you forever. He needs to man up and stand up to his parents and hope for the best. He has to decide if a relationship with you is worth the effort and possible pain of disagreeing with family members about his life choices. Sounds to me like he doesn’t think it’s worth the risk of that conflict. And what’s the point of continuing to be in a relationship if it can’t go anywhere because it needs to be kept a secret? It doesn’t make him a bad guy, it makes the two of you a bad fit.
    Doesn’t matter if he’s gay or straight.


  12. The best way to know is to ask him and open up that discussion. If he denies it it, ask yourself if he could be having an affair with anyone. Honesty is the best policy. If you have questions then just ask him. You may get a feel for his honesty based on the way he reacts. Don’t go into the discussion having already made up your mind. Give him a chance to address your concerns. Other consideratins to take into account is he very immature.


  13. Us, humans, are experts in communication! You’ve learned to communicate from a young age; when something sounds a little off, listen to your instincts because women are intuitive beings! You know the answer, you know what to do! Just listen to your “gut feeling”!


  14. Us, humans, are experts in communication! You’ve learned to communicate from a young age; when something sounds a little off, listen to your instincts because women are intuitive beings! You know the answer, you know what to do! Just listen to your “gut feeling”!

    You have to put yourself first! it sounds selfish but who in this world is going to look out for you? No one will do it better than you!! So always put yourself first! It’s called self respect and you should know what you deserve! This guy is not giving you the time of the day that you want and need (regardless of the reason)!!!


  15. Thank you all so much for the advice. We broke up.


  16. Long distance relationships dont work unless they are open relationships. Fuck who you want when you want BUT when it comes down to getting settling down, you’re mine and only mine. period.


  17. I agree with Ar Jay


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