BLOG » thoughts before bed:
looking for love isn’t easy. it’s scary and stressful. trying to look your best and be brave enough to put yourself out there. seeing yourself reflected in someone’s eye’s. but we all do it. we’re addicted to the search. and all for someone who could potentially give us aids herpes.
i don’t know what i want. i didn’t think i was looking for anything. but i’m always looking for something. i must be.
the older i get, i analyze more and more. i know what worked and what didn’t work in the past.
i’m addicted to newness, but i want intimacy; something that comes with time. but, does it? haven’t you ever felt immediately intimate and electric with someone you barely know and that’s what keeps you knowing them…that’s what takes you to a place of real intimacy? i know intimacy and electricity are two separate things, but i want both. i want to feel safe. i want a good person who fights for me, gets me, knows how to deal with my crazy in a way that doesn’t frustrate me even more. and someone who calms my crazy just by being himself. someone i want to be the best version of myself for.
when it’s right, shouldn’t it feel effortless? at least in the beginning? how long does the beginning last? can it be the beginning forever? is this why i’m addicted to newness?
should i be with someone who’s different from other men i’ve dated in the past? should i try a new way? do i have a type, other than drummer? i feel like i don’t have a type. although i usually pick men who treat me well. so that’s good.
i’m looking for this invisible balance of things. it’s something i can’t quite put my finger on. i want to mix and match qualities in men i’ve known, men i meet, noticed in passing, heard of, imagine.
won’t i just know when it’s right? i thought i had in the past… but those things ended.
is it a timing thing? i mean, what am i really looking for with these men i put so much on; these men i think of all the time and consider; these men i affect and let myself be affected by in the worst and the best way? i mean, i’m not ready to get married. i’m definitely not ready to make a baby: which is what i truly consider to be the life changer. who cares who i marry? it’s the man i have a child with that’s forever. but i’m not looking to do either of those things yet, so ultimately all i can hope for with these dating, love, sexual, life experiences, dalliances, relationships is to learn. learn about myself. learn about others. learn how to communicate and be kind and considerate. learn about what works for me and what doesn’t. and that’s all very valuable stuff.
sometimes (most of the time?) the stress and strain i put on myself emotionally is more than is necessary. i forget to look at the bigger picture and i focus on the minutia under a magnifying glass. we’re all just gonna die and i’m bummed he hasn’t texted me back? well, in a perfect world he would have, but that’s neither here nor there. i’m here to learn about myself and have adventures and grow and be happy and affect others in a positive way maybe i hope. but the nuances and intricacies of searching and meeting and sexxxing and loving are intense and it’s hard not to get emotional and caught up in ego and details that make your head spin.
i hope i’m not alone in all this. i know i’m not. but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful/exhausting.
my therapist (yawn) says i have two aspects of myself working at once: the adult and the child… and sometimes i let the little girl version of me make the choices for myself and that’s when i get into trouble.
i’m probably too demanding. i definitely think too much. i’m constantly needing reassurance and testing men.
will i stop this one day? or will i just meet the person who balances me out/rights my wrongs?
romantic movies make women sub consciously wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today i’ll meet the man of my dreams!’ but what if that never happens?
that’s why people settle. i don’t want to settle. but what’s settling? i think the trick is: you have to know you can’t have it all with one person. you almost can, but something will always be lacking. the trick is, get as close to 100% as you can! that’s how you weigh the candidates. which guy comes closest to fulfilling your crazy long love necessities check list? which dude ranks highest on your vibe/chemistry meter?
i get very scared of the day-to-day calm in relationships. when a man says he feels very comfortable with me, i get very uncomfortable. i have a fear of being taken for granted.
should i blame those romantic movies or having had too much chaos in my childhood. leaving me with a need for chaos that resides in a very cozy spot deep inside my subconscious which is why it’s what i seek out and very often create for myself or at least try to create when i’m dating someone or in love, because it feels the way home felt. it’s what i know. it’s familiar and what i think i need/i’m supposed to have.
i have to work on this.