BLOG » thoughts before bed:

looking for love isn’t easy. it’s scary and stressful. trying to look your best and be brave enough to put yourself out there. seeing yourself reflected in someone’s eye’s. but we all do it. we’re addicted to the search. and all for someone who could potentially give us aids herpes.

i don’t know what i want. i didn’t think i was looking for anything. but i’m always looking for something. i must be.

the older i get, i analyze more and more. i know what worked and what didn’t work in the past.

i’m addicted to newness, but i want intimacy; something that comes with time. but, does it? haven’t you ever felt immediately intimate and electric with someone you barely know and that’s what keeps you knowing them…that’s what takes you to a place of real intimacy? i know intimacy and electricity are two separate things, but i want both. i want to feel safe. i want a good person who fights for me, gets me, knows how to deal with my crazy in a way that doesn’t frustrate me even more. and someone who calms my crazy just by being himself. someone i want to be the best version of myself for.

when it’s right, shouldn’t it feel effortless? at least in the beginning? how long does the beginning last? can it be the beginning forever? is this why i’m addicted to newness?

should i be with someone who’s different from other men i’ve dated in the past? should i try a new way? do i have a type, other than drummer? i feel like i don’t have a type. although i usually pick men who treat me well. so that’s good.

i’m looking for this invisible balance of things. it’s something i can’t quite put my finger on. i want to mix and match qualities in men i’ve known, men i meet, noticed in passing, heard of, imagine.

won’t i just know when it’s right? i thought i had in the past… but those things ended.

is it a timing thing? i mean, what am i really looking for with these men i put so much on; these men i think of all the time and consider; these men i affect and let myself be affected by in the worst and the best way? i mean, i’m not ready to get married. i’m definitely not ready to make a baby: which is what i truly consider to be the life changer. who cares who i marry? it’s the man i have a child with that’s forever. but i’m not looking to do either of those things yet, so ultimately all i can hope for with these dating, love, sexual, life experiences, dalliances, relationships is to learn. learn about myself. learn about others. learn how to communicate and be kind and considerate. learn about what works for me and what doesn’t. and that’s all very valuable stuff.

sometimes (most of the time?) the stress and strain i put on myself emotionally is more than is necessary. i forget to look at the bigger picture and i focus on the minutia under a magnifying glass. we’re all just gonna die and i’m bummed he hasn’t texted me back? well, in a perfect world he would have, but that’s neither here nor there. i’m here to learn about myself and have adventures and grow and be happy and affect others in a positive way maybe i hope. but the nuances and intricacies of searching and meeting and sexxxing and loving are intense and it’s hard not to get emotional and caught up in ego and details that make your head spin.

i hope i’m not alone in all this. i know i’m not. but knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful/exhausting.

my therapist (yawn) says i have two aspects of myself working at once: the adult and the child… and sometimes i let the little girl version of me make the choices for myself and that’s when i get into trouble.

i’m probably too demanding. i definitely think too much. i’m constantly needing reassurance and testing men.

will i stop this one day? or will i just meet the person who balances me out/rights my wrongs?

romantic movies make women sub consciously wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today i’ll meet the man of my dreams!’ but what if that never happens?

that’s why people settle. i don’t want to settle. but what’s settling? i think the trick is: you have to know you can’t have it all with one person. you almost can, but something will always be lacking. the trick is, get as close to 100% as you can! that’s how you weigh the candidates. which guy comes closest to fulfilling your crazy long love necessities check list? which dude ranks highest on your vibe/chemistry meter?

i get very scared of the day-to-day calm in relationships. when a man says he feels very comfortable with me, i get very uncomfortable. i have a fear of being taken for granted.

should i blame those romantic movies or having had too much chaos in my childhood. leaving me with a need for chaos that resides in a very cozy spot deep inside my subconscious which is why it’s what i seek out and very often create for myself or at least try to create when i’m dating someone or in love, because it feels the way home felt. it’s what i know. it’s familiar and what i think i need/i’m supposed to have.

i have to work on this.


15 Responses to “thoughts before bed:”

  1. You’ll know when you start thinking more about how he feels than how you are feeling. Certainly not the percentages option!


  2. Exactly how I am feeling….


  3. Ive been reading your blog for years and never once commented but this is the realest shit ever. don’t know what else to say. thank you!


  4. I found your blog through Alessandra’s In Bloom show page… anyway, just wanted to say I love your posts and think you’re awesome. Thanks so much for writing this! Totally relatable.


  5. THANK YOU as always. Your writing is so real and makes me feel not so alone in how I am feeling! =)


  6. Since the world could eventually end tomorrow stop thinking and analyzing everything so much and take a day at a time, your happy your having fun if you have no intentions of kids and marriage dont spent your preciouse time over thinking things you cant control,

    loads of love !


  7. I’m the male version of everything you said. That said the doctor Phil type answer I know to be true is once you have an idea of what you want and have painted a perfect picture of it youre never quite satisfied. It is a perfectionist notion, painting a picture of what you want and then never quite getting it. What you want may not exist or only in movies and fairy tales. The idea is you’re not settling you’re just accepting that you aren’t going to paint this ideal picture that you are perfecting, this picture of what you want. improve reality by chasing after a feeling with someone and ditching all your it’s supposed to be this way notions. My two cents hypocritically speaking that is.


  8. thank you, alexi. this writing really hits home xx


  9. love this! like some of your old stuff that made me fall in love with you….of course you are going to grow, change and evolve as a writer, but these elements of honesty and life advice is what makes your blog so compelling x


  10. YES! thank you for posting. its actually sortof scary how exact this is.

    I want to blame the media on putting these perfect men in our heads, but i think since forever we have wanted that…we’re just really surrounded in it now. i think we just need to keep on, keepin’ on and see what happens! good luck xxx


  11. I read your blog and never comment. But I couldn’t help not to. You probably connected with way more than just me. And with beyond perfect timing !


  12. Alexi!

    I just read your recent post.. and it reminded me of this article that I read that really changed the way I viewed love!
    I really wanted to share it with you and hope you find it just as insightful!

    Love you!
    x

    I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore. I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

    Love is a series of choices. The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual. Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination. Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?

    Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love. That’s it. It’s that simple. Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love. Even in relationships, especially in relationships. This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person. It means we are left with a choice. There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person), and loving someone (choosing to love that person). You may have love for someone forever. But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever. The choice to love is not a feeling, it is an action. That is why it is so difficult. It requires you to do something and I’m not just talking about buying flowers. It might mean putting your wants aside. Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.

    Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process with bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy – which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes your choice worth it.

    So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing.

    Let the fall make you stronger.

    – theangrytherapist.com


  13. There is no perfect thing or person that will make you feel one way or the other. Fall in love with yourself and nothing above will matter any longer.

    XXJ


  14. Has anyone seen the film Ruby Sparks? Your Frankenstein ideal man bit made me think of this film.

    His manic pixie dream girl wasn’t so perfect after all.


  15. whenever I cannot express what the fuck I am feeling I just link people to your blog….”I kinda just feel like this”…awesome post, girl!
    –marissa


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