BLOG » waiting vs NOT waiting to have sex:

I’ve never been the type of girl whose thought there’s a specific time or rule as to when to have sex with a guy. Every time I’ve had sex with a guy it’s been because I wanted to and it’s never really affected me badly.

I do however believe that if you 100% know you do NOT want to pursue a relationship with a guy, and want him STRICTLY for sex and sex alone… it’s totally ok to sex him on the first date/whenever you want! In this case, there’s no such thing as too soon. Just use a condom and make sure you see him naked in light so you can asses if he’s having some sort of herpes or other sexually transmitted disease/infection breakout. Women use men for sex too you know!

But, as girls we do have to realize that casual sex can be like a game of russian roulette for us:

We take a chance of accidentally forming feelings we thought were impossible for us to form. no matter how logical we went into this no strings attached self imposed agreement with ourself. this can happen when we sex cuz of annoying/amazing chemicals like oxtocin and dopamine that couse through our veins and surge through our brain when we are sexing and spending time with someone. Phermones are powerful.

We take a chance that the guy might not like us anymore. he may have gotten or not gotten what he wanted and might never call us again.

For the most part, I really don’t think there are any rules because I’ve had sex with guys on a first date and we’ve fallen in love and gone on to have long beautiful relationships .and i’ve waited months before sexxing and had just as long and beautiful a relationship. if its meant to be its meant to be. But be a smart woman about it. be in control of your actions. and give yourself the best chance possible.

First off, pick and choose what your goal is with the guy.  Decide if he is WORTHY of YOU before you give all your power over to him and decide you’re just grateful he’s considering sticking his penis in your vagina!

Do you even like the guy?

Would you be embarrassed to be seen in public with him?

Do you think he’s funny or interesting?

Does he treat you well?

Do you respect him?

Do you want to fall in love and extend the magic and honeymoon period and the mystery for as long as possible? Then i advise waiting.

Is the dude totally stupid but the most gorgeous guy ever and for some weird reason he wants to take you home? DO IT! DO NOT PASS GO! TRY NOT TO GET AIDS AND LET THE ABERCROMBIE MODEL FIREMAN OR WHOEVER HE IS FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

Are you just trying to scratch your drunken vaginal itch with some bonehead at the club that evening while you pine for the dude you’re really in love with who’s ignoring your texts and is probs woo’ing or fucking some other trollop? Then sex the bonehead and don’t look back. Actually, I’d suggest just taking a cab home, masturbating, and making an appointment with a good therapist first thing in the morning. But that’s just ME!

Do you have extreme daddy issues and just feel the need to sexualize every situation you’re in with every guy and think you’re just a sexually liberated/evolved woman who says ‘i just like sex! no big deal!’ but really it’s an unconscious need to feed your ego and get validation the only way you know how? Again, don’t do it then! Masturbate and call that therapist!

And if you DO like the dude and could see yourself being cozy with him for longer than one night, then don’t jump the gun!

The thing about waiting that’s cool is that the pay off is so much better for both parties involved!

Whether you wait three dates, a month, two months, or THREE months (if that’s even possible anymore) it makes it all better!

Here’s why:

It means you’re being respectful of yourself. You’re not just letting any/every dirty dick inside your precious vadge hole. Yes, even YOU are precious!

It means less of a chance of getting an STD you’re lucky to not ALREADY have contracted.

It means your reputation (even if you say ‘i don’t give a fuck about what people think of me!’) will improve because as sexy or flirty as you might be, and whatever people might think of you/whatever you’ve done in the past… at least the dude who wants to fuck you will think ‘wow, she’s not as easy as i thought. if she’s not so quick to give me a blow job and sex, it means she probs doesn’t do that with other guys either! i can trust this girl. i could introduce her to my momz one day. i respect her more. and i like the chase cuz i’m a man and ultimately we’re still just animals and sometimes things are that simple.’

It means you two will bond and get to know each other as people and maybe even become friends, and laugh and do cool stuff together, other than fuck! isn’t that the goal? to be best friends and laugh with someone you’re attracted to? that’s my love goal. i mean, i want him to have a big private and a healthy bank account too, but you know what i’m saying.

It means you’re building something called anticipation! You can’t ever get that back if you give your puss away too soon! It’s a magical feeling: Like that feeling between Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years! Did they even ever have sex?! Who knows?! Who cares?! You get my point! Remember romance? Aiden waited to sexxx Carrie for this very reason! Everything moves soooo fast nowadays, sometimes we have to consciously slow down or we won’t enjoy how good something can feel. It’s like not chewing a hundred dollar filet mignon and just shoving it in your mouth and swallowing! Why would you want to do that when you could smell it and chew it and savor it?! This analogy is grossing me out and not the best representation of what i stand for, but again, i think you get my point.

And I’m not saying don’t mutually masturbate, or dry hump (which is what i call 7th grade sex), or let your boobies be suckled, or be fingered in a car at midnight, or work your way up to giving him a blow jobs and letting him lick your puss! No! NOT AT ALL! I’m just saying hold back on the straight up fucking/penetration! I mean god forbid you hang out for three months with some dude and THEN find out he has a tiny nubbin dick! No no no! That is not what I’m encouraging at all! DEFINITELY do a pants graze and find out what you’re dealing with down there! I mean JESUS CHRIST, don’t be irresponsible with your time!

The point is: i don’t care what you do or when you do it, you’re a grown up (i hope, i think). I just think it’s important for you to know why you make the choices you make, and to be aware of what your end goal is.

If you want to be taken seriously, by someone you’re entering a relationship with; or more importantly, taken seriously by yourself: then treat yourself like you’re your own child! Would you let the six yourself version of yourself be fucked by some stranger at the bar? I hope not!

Waiting to sexxx is encouraged because it’s giving you and a relationship your trying to nurture/foster the best chance!

And try not to sex some dude you don’t really like while you pine for the dude you ARE taking your time with.  I used to do that. It makes the main relationship less precious, is a form of sabotage, complicates stuff and it’s being irresponsible/wreckless with someones feelings: both dude’s actually, and yours! How would you like it if some guy did that to you? Acted like you were his main focus but was dating & fucking other girls? I’m sure you already know cuz that has probs happened to you a million times if you aren’t very fascinating, attractive, fit, interesting, dynamic, or just live in a big city/small town with men in it.

I try to live by the golden rule: treat people the way you want to be treated. I break it all the time, but i’m trying. It’s a daily practice.

But back to sex: overall, if it’s meant to be and the guy really likes you (unfortunately i feel that for the most part, the ball is thrown into the guys court after you give yourself to him sexually) love and a relationship will follow no matter what unconscious, drunken choice you two made at 3am.

Good luck! It’s the blind leading the blind over here!

17 Responses to “waiting vs NOT waiting to have sex:”

  1. alexi, i just love you and your blog

  2. Whoa, hey, Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper do have sex…once. In the final episode–the series finale–when they are in the barn taking shelter from the rain.

    7:30-9:00 “A Promise full of passion.” Implying, they did it. I mean, this is prime time in the eighties and nineties…they aren’t going to show it…My favorite show of all time.

  3. Really a brilliant, brilliant commentary for the real world of real people. And so charming to include Julie and Ethan from “Before Sunrise?” Practical advice and uncommon sense. Congrats for all of the above.

  4. What “Elle” said, this post is swagged-out, and so, so wonderful. I’m waiting for a girl right now, and this just comforts everything. I never doubted my natural inclination to “wait”, but its cool to see it posted elsewhere. XOXO

  5. One of the best posts in awhile. Thanks Lexi!

  6. Weaponized Sex
    Even the blind can receive revelation. There are proper time, rules and regulations when to have sex. In this case I will speak from the perspective of the man. Oh yes there are times when this topic will fall out of the boundaries of rules and regulations, but in most cases its better to chart a course of behavior that is within the borders of good sense and safety. I am going to counter and modify some of what Ms. Alexi Wasser has said not with malicious intent, but because she does touch on topics of interest and there are some aspects that I disagree with.
    If you are on a first date and the guy is TOTALLY HOT and your animalistic hormones are raging. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR SEX STUD TESTED! Ok Ok I am the party pooper, but from my experience condoms fail and some guys have been known to remove their condoms on purpose just prior to ejaculation just to be ASSHOLES! Excuse the pun “one shot one kill” sorry ladies you’re the kill. I have seen many tears and attended many funerals to know this is true and I believe without going any further that such treachery does exist. If you did have the guy tested and he is clean, then you can go hump one another like a pair of hot bunnies. Otherwise, DON”T.

  7. This portion of Ms Wasser’s writing is wrong and misleading, “and make sure you see him naked in light so you can asses if he’s having some sort of herpes or other sexually transmitted disease/infection breakout.” There are a litany of sexually transmitted diseases that have a latency phase (they are dormant) or do not express any physical symptoms that can be visually identified. In other words, the safest best is to have the guy tested. Why, because if you don’t the odds of the sex game are worse than Russian Roulette. For instance, 25% of the population is carrying herpes. That’s one in four. If you play Russian roulette and use a standard revolver the odds are 16% that’s one in six.
    Yes, there is that female characteristic called “FALLING FOR THE GUY” that describes what happened to women when the Pheronomes kick in. That is why it is important that one has a strong support group of friends and family that are not overwhelmed by brain chemistry and are level headed to provide the woman with guidance and protection from certain men who exploit this female characteristic and trait. As a long as you do not give the man sex you control the reins on the bit. In other words the woman holds the higher ground and he should have more respect for you. If you want to test the guy call the guy from some remote place and tell him you have a flat and that you need help replacing the tire with the spare. See if he drops everything and comes for you or sends assistance. If he doesn’t well that pretty much spells it out. When you feel in the latter stages of the relationship then you can allow him to stick his penis in your vagina. Your pretty much sealing the deal at this point.
    AHEM! Just because he looks like a Greek God or the ABERCROMBIE MODEL FIREMAN does not serve as a pretext to let him “fuck your brains out” ASAP. Get him tested first then go fuck.

  8. As for rest Ms Wasser is pretty much on target.
    With Affection,
    Dr. Dan
    Assistant Producer
    KABC Radio

  9. Hmm. I think this “rant” would have been more effective in hush tones, or, in PIL’s universe “poptones”. It is healthy to be angry and let it out. Just don’t let it consume you because it will age you faster than two rotting jack-o-lanterns fucking in a tree. And seriously, no one “practices” the golden rule of being nice, or considerate, or even having the class to thank a stanger who gave you an owesome care package with cd, vinyl, and original art. No, the golden rule is either there or not. Nice try though.

  10. “stanger”=one who remains a stranger. You have my permission to use it.
    Type-O’s make for a wonderful alternate language. Even better when applied to a drum kit. Get it?

  11. I am not being angry TOPO I am being emphatic! There is a difference. You can only step on a landmine once there is no turning back or second chances. If you do not like Typos see a therapist. Your response is just plain weird. There is a golden rule in life of course there are times and circumstances depending on the situation it has to be modified or dropped to deal with extraneous circumstances. If you want an example of the golden rule thank you for responding and your feedback to my response to Alexi Wasser’s post. 🙂


    Dr. Dan

  12. Dr. Dan,
    My reply was for Miss Wasser. I have no idea who you are.
    My response was as wierd as Miss Wasser’s take on life in general.
    If one is putting themselves in a position with “advice”, then us the veiwer can call out on what the contents are. In what I read above, it is clearly a woman frustrated, whish is fine, but not in the context of casual fucking. Yoy get what you pay if you fuck with abandon. Miss Wasser is using her experience as a cop out and exuse for her behavior in the hope to be amusing. I found this rant sloppy , angry, and arrogant, that is all. I don’t need to go into point by point about it, but seemingly eveyone is an armchair therapist now that cyber space has revealed it’s capability. Editing is important if one wants to keep an audience (I would say just ask David Foster Wallace, but he is sadly no longer available for reaching).
    As for my response being weird, I think you mistoook it as a reply to your reply. Miss Wasser knows what I am writing about in regards to a care package she
    received many months ago. It was a gesture and a puzzle that she may or not have figured out. She has all the ingredients in that package to make connections that are more sacred then being spelled out. But in essence, I was reaching out to share some music and art with her.
    Enough time on this.

  13. Thank-you for replying to my response to your post and explaining your position, I misunderstood its context but understand your message now. Ms. Wasser I believe deep down is a nice woman, but I believe and I confess I could be wrong she is just trying to find her destiny and path. Because Ms. Wasser can be difficult. My superiors for safety have ordered me to maintain a measure of distance from her and I must comply. Thanx Topo

  14. The spelling errors are out of control.

  15. HEY quick question where is that photo from? is it from a show or something? ps love you alexi! you’re aweomse

  16. i just watched your video about “pulling out”. Would you / have you, made the cummer come with you to the pharmacy to get the morning after pill? I guess it depends on how well you know them I guess!

  17. I think I find that when the guy likes you – he just does and for the most part sleeping with him early or waiting to have sex may slow or speed the process of emotional attachment. Regardless, it needs to be your decision and not anyone else’s.

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