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journal entry. late at night. once upon a time: 

why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?

i recently had sex on a first date.

here’s why i feel bad: i know that I’m too special and precious and smart to let some guy just put his dick in me, even though we barely know each other, cuz that’s what he wants. i don’t want to give myself away so easily. at least, I’d prefer not too. but i did it anyway. i gave in. i caved. i was easy. i wasn’t even dying for sex! (i can’t stand the word ‘horny’) So there wasn’t even the payoff of feeling relieved and gratified afterwords/sexually satiated. (wait, does that mean it was BAD sex too? if it were good, would it have felt gratifying in another way? god dammit! this is such a multi layered bummer!)

here’s why i don‘t feel bad: i don’t like the dude, but sex feels good and I had nothing to lose cuz i don’t wanna date him anyways… although i HAVE had experiences where I’ve had first date sex and we went on to date seriously.

Q: why did i do it though if i could have just as easily been watching tv and eating pretzels?

A: I’d had a few drinks, I let him come up to my place, we got naked and I felt obligated. I should have just kissed him in the car and at the bar and left it at that. I didn’t take care of myself/check in with myself to see where I wanted the night to go. Instead, I went on auto pilot. (alcohol & boredom). And by the time we were rolling around naked and kissing in my bedroom: I came from him going down on me, and wanted him to cum and now that I’ve had sex enough in my lifetime, i decided it was just easier to let him get off while fucking me. i didn’t even see the point of giving him a blow job to end the experience, or mutually masturbate. we’d both already gone down on each other… so now the finishing may as well be something we can both enjoy. i mean, oral sex is still sex, unprotected, and involves fluids! ahhhh! in reality, an unprotected blowjob is way more intimate and seems much more dangerous than protected sex. (but i’m talking about sex where the dude’s wearing a condom and pulls out before he cums inside me. how dare you?!)

the aftermath that left me sad was this: what i lacked in the end wasn’t my self-respect. no. it was the lack of meeting a guy whose shoulder i wanted to put my head on. it was the lack of having the arms of someone i wanted to be held by. it was the lack of my interest in his life, the humor in his jokes. he was fine, but i felt dead inside and way too self-aware about it all. i’m a romantic. but other times i’m cold. maybe that just means i’m with the wrong person. oh shit, duh. i want a guy to be in love with me, but i’m jut as unavailable as the men whose love i crave but who don’t love me. but i get upset when i don’t get to reject someone first- i get upset when i  give myself over to them and with that, potentially my power. well, hopefully some lesson was learned here. probably not though. on to the next. i’ll try to cope using advice from my various friends & ex boyfriends i texted while taking a bath after the guy i sexxed left and i’d locked the door behind him:

various texts from friends and ex’s talking me off the ledge: 

1. don’t feel bad! you’re a baller vixen. you can be in as much control as you want to be. it’s not about your vagina, it’s about your brain. (from an ex)

2. don’t be hard on yourself. you thrive off experience and impulse. think of it this way: your brain is spinning more now after having unfulfilling sex than it probably would be from having not put out. i give my dick to plenty of unworthy people, but i only give my heart, eyes, and brain to people who matter. so chillax you wonderful soul, that guy will wish you’d fuck him again and you won’t. you win. and part of what makes you great are these weird reflections that this bullshit causes you to have. you’re one of the few women i’ve ever encountered who even if you fucked someone you met 25 min prior- you come off as the winner. it’s an admirable and enviable freedom you exhibit. and you think about and are in tune to how that affects you. (from an ex)

3. don’t worry about it. gay men have sex on the first date to make sure the chemistry’s good! you’re like a gay man! and gay guys are the best! (from a girlfriend)

4. As my mom says ‘bonobo monkeys know best- and sex is the most therapeutic thing you can do for your body.’ So REALLY it was just a therapy session last night. : ) (from a girlfriend)

5. Totally. I got you. I totally understand. I’ve def been in the same position. But it’s all meant to be. Maybe you needed to do it for some reason. To get your head back into work or whatever reason… (from a girlfriend)

6. do you want to come over? (from an ex)

7. do you want me to come over? (from a guy i thought was my friend, but who i now know wants to sexxx me)

oh wait. reading this back, i just answered my own question. the answer was in the question:

“why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?”

From now on, i will listen to my therapist and learn from the point he made when he said  ‘would you have had sex with him if you hadn’t been drinking alcohal?’ and my answer was ‘no’.

Update: by the next afternoon i was fine. and yeah, he called. he asked me out again. i didn’t go out with him though. i chose not to. and i did learn a lesson from this: no sex or even dating unless i’m REALLY excited about someone. cuz even then you take the chance of spiralling & heartbreak. but at least THEN it’s for someone you felt was worth it.











20 Responses to “the obligatory female spiral:”

  1. Thank you for sharing, this is exactly what I’m going through right now. Recently I slept with a couple of dudes after a first date simply because I didn’t want to date them so there was nothing to lose. I felt so shamed that I did something I essentially didn’t really want to do.

  2. Yo ladies, have sex because you want to be intimate with someone, do it for you.. bang people who are hot and fun to get naked with, and don’t feel bad about wanting to get your rocks off with someone. But please, please, please, do not ever feel obligated to have sex with a dude simply because he took you out. That’s so lonely and sad and f’ed. Remember, women can rule the world because we can withhold sex. If you know you’re not that into him, call it a night. Why would you feel obligated to share your awesome intimate hot naked self with some half ass dude? Who cares what he thinks. Women have this thing built up inside, Oh… we must be pretty, smart, put together (but not over the top) make a few jokes, but giggle at yours! be polite and kind… bah blah.. all while looking effortless. Time we put this all under the table and as Nora Ephron said, “be the heroine of your life, not the victim”

  3. wow i think we have the same brain.

  4. I’m stunned, hit the nail on the fucking head.

    Currently am and have been in the same situation FAR too many times. Going into auto pilot and because I’m not honest/listening to myself, I end up spiraling for someone who WASN’T EVEN WORTH IT (and I knew they weren’t from the very start.)

    This reiterated the good advice I’ve been telling myself, but haven’t been implementing.
    This was straight up medicine <3

  5. this was great. love the music you chose as well… perfect. i definitely feel used with the last person i was with. i thought he was interesting but then i was wrong. now i’m okay with it because it’s something we all learn from. but at the time, you just feel like such an idiot! it’s the worst.

  6. PART 1: When Alexi Wasser gets emotional, she really gets emotional and spills her guts. The first thing is “once upon a time” is this real or for entertainment purposes. I will assume it is real and answer accordingly. However, I will make one stipulation “ALEXI WASSER DO NOT GET MAD AT ME” Yes, you are “SPECIAL”, “PRECIOUS” and “SMART”, but the sex you engage in is far more than just sexual gratification. Where others do it to seal commitment, you seemed seem to revel in the pursuit and conquest. Alcohol does play a part in lessening your inhibitions, but I think this mattes not because your inhibitions are already pretty low. However, you do have some kind of internal gyroscope, that tells you when you go off course you need to make a self correction and get back on the right direction. As for your attract and attack phases as a women well that just natural. Women test their men, unfortunately many and most men don’t understand that aspect of a womans psychology and then they withdrawal from the relationship. In addition, men and even women do not comprehend the concepts of duty, dedication and loyalty. In this town it is exceedingly difficult to find someone to call a friend and next to impossible to locate someone for an mutual emotionally bonded unconditional permanent relationship. When you restrict and control your sexual giving you exercising your self-discipline as a woman and maintaining your self esteem. These are my comments about the messages left by your friends and ex’s.

  7. PART: 2
    (1) A baller vixen, don’t know what baller means, but maybe those reading this could explain. However, a vixen is an ill tempered woman. Well that was helpful:( .
    (2) This advice is so not helpful It is total crap. 🙁
    (3)Go and have sex with gay men like that is constructive. If you disagree lets hear it 🙁
    (4) Bonobo monkeys are apes not monkeys, Bonobos are perceived to be matriarchal; females tend to collectively dominate males by forming alliances and use sexuality to control male. A male’s rank in the social hierarchy is often determined by his mother’s rank. Well, maybe humanity can learn something from these guys, however, in your case I do not think their example applies. If anyone disagrees feel free to tell me. 🙁
    (5) Not bad, and its emotionally supportive. 🙂
    (6) No idea, only you know this guy 😐
    (7) Alexi drop this guy from your contacts 🙁
    There are quite a few men out there who feel bad when they gave their bodies away to women for sex, It is not just a feeling inclusive to women.

  8. what a whorey good time!

  9. Wats the definition of a whore nowadays? is there a stigma to it. Anyway nice music liked SOKO.



  12. Well written.

    Can’t say I relate…I’m a dude…my obligatory shame spiral comes after you reject me for a second date and never take my calls again…

  13. i was a bit of a ditz a few days ago, it happens to everyone and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing 🙂 don’t beat yourself up about it!

  14. famous daddy giving entitled daughter anything she wants

  15. this was strange to read because I have just had the exact same experience, but I wouldn’t mention it to anybody so publicly as I hate people feeling sorry for me. I don’t like the analysis my actions like this receive, in people’s (my friends) minds when I mention this sort of thing. It’s not like that really. I don’t mind them knowing i hooked up with a guy who I actually found irritating and self-important and he was not even so much to look at. I just don’t like that they think I am crying out for love with this sort of thing. I get strong feelings and love for people all the time and this is nothing to with it.

    I liked having sex with this guy but it was ultimately not worth it. It could literally have been any guy, it was kind of like masturbating. He couldn’t kiss well and the next day he sent me message saying ‘wanna fuck?’. I don’t want a guy like that to now feel confident enough that he can just call me up any time and his confidence suggests that he thinks I was into the whole thing, completely. I was not and I would love to tell anyone who knew how revolting I found him (not the sex, which was fine but nothing to me), I obviously won’t say how grim I found him to avoid looking petty. But at the same time I would like to erase this from his brain to the point where he wouldn’t recognise me in the street. it makes me feel like I think less of myself, or that I should be feeling that, but I don’t, I think/hope

  16. But what about escorts?

    I read this last week and I’m back now because I know you probably have thoughts on this shit.

    why do we still treat our sexuality as our best “bargaining chip”? It’s the opposite of feminism to say we’re only valuable in what combination we choose to give away vs. withhold sex from others.

    but also…escorts.


  17. I liked this entry a lot. Because feeling out of control can apply to having sex with someone too early or even situations where he doesn’t text back or want to cuddle. If he doesn’t do what you want him to, you can feel like he has control and your are helpless and that your feelings depend on how he acts. I feel this all the time and it’s a mind set that you have to escape from by actively thinking about yourself in a positive way and basically saying “fuck him.” “I control my feelings.”

    I also like the music choices. Great article, Alexi.

  18. Can you please post more often?

  19. yo alexi will you be at coachella this year?

  20. wow how many people do you text after having sex? why do you feel the need to? you must trust/confide in a lot of people

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