BLOG » a momentary rant on love and despair:

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one time, i felt like this. i was dating the wrong person. i was confused. i felt stuck. so i wrote this to try to make sense of it all. cognitive behavioral therapy on myself.

what the fuck is going on? i’m a romantic. i swear. i am such a romantic. but lately, i keep hearing the same things from men… some of whom i’ve been on dates with or guys who i THINK think they’re flirting or even bonding with me- i keep hearing about how men aren’t wired for monogamy or that it’s boring or unrealistic. this info on a date i’m on with a guy, coupled with the fact that i feel like i haven’t dated anyone who’s crazy enough about me to want me to be their girlfriend in about a year- is beginning to break my heart and cause me to lose faith in love or the idea that men actually maybe like and want to be in relationships too. i’m not even sure about the guy or if i like him that much before he’s clubbing me over the head with unromantic rationale.

i wonder if part of the reason for the responses i’m getting is because i have this website (too meta and or self referential? sorry. this one time only. actually, that’s probs a lie) and guys either don’t wanna date me because of it, or men have some misinformed idea that i don’t believe in a committed relationship, or they feel they can tell me their innermost thoughts on love/sex/dating/and relationshipps because they know i’m facinated by it and write about it. but in doing so, i become their friend; the bubble bursts and romance is debunked…leaving me feeling a bit hopeless on love.

i know i’ve felt it (love). i know i’ve been in amazing relationships. and the men i experienced them with would agree. i know what love can feel like…. and i haven’t felt it in a while.

i’m so sick of men i date telling me about how marriage and monogamy or whatever is unrealistic. or telling me about ex’s, etc. (even though i’m guilty of this too- i have made a new rule not to talk about ex’s with guys i might want to date) where is the mystery? what happened to the mystery? i want to believe in love and romance! i know it exists! i see it! i’ve felt it! i’ve had it!

but i feel cold and dead inside… today. i will change my mind in an hour or tomorrow…  but you’ve caught me in a moment.

men i’ve met at the community table at m cafe or guys i’ve dated or just men i know or whatever tell me that they’re not satisfied. that they want the next best thing or something new or to cheat or to be alone or whatever!

but i also see married couples that seem happy and like best friends!

AND i see married couples that are young, but look dead inside, who don’t have sex anymore.

i talk to married men who complain about being married and flirt with women who aren’t their wives and say ‘of course i want to fuck other women, i’m a man’

it all just seems hopeless.

it’s seems like the idea of being in love is now just a bubble that will ultimately burst after a few months, but for me… date #2.

here’s my theory, i don’t even know if i’ll ever want to/or be asked to get married (again, cuz i was engaged when i was 21) but this is what i think the key to happiness is when it comes to love and dating and relationships:

meet someone who you’re attracted to, who you have great physical chemistry with, who you respect and who makes you laugh, and vice versa. and be their gf or bf (which means being monogamous) ONLY if the idea of losing them or them with another person makes you feel like you’re being punched in the stomach.

then stay with that person until you’re no longer compelled to. this doesn’t mean that every day will be great; but even when you have fights or are having a hard time with someone, you can still have a desire to be with them. however, the minute you honestly don’t feel the relationship is worth fighting for… get out of there as gracefully and in the kindest way possible.

but the shitty thing is, people aren’t honest with their partner or even WORSE: themselves. they stay in relationships years longer than they should. when they were miserable 10 months in but too much of a coward to leave. they cheat and could potentially bring diseases back into their partners bed, (their partner who is under the impression that they’re partaking in a monogamous relationship).

see, you can have whatever relationship you want: monogamous, open, no relationship, whatevs… as long as your partner is on the same page. and the relationship might morph and change so the two parties have to check in with each other and communicate! but people hate communication. they’re terrified of conflict and everyone’s such a people pleaser they just do and say what they think their partner wants to hear or believe! and then vent and complain to strangers. ugh!

i feel like i’m pretty clear on all this. so until i find someone who wants to do this with me that i have chemistry with and am fascinated by… my search continues. but hearing so many men tell me that men and women are wired differently lately has done my head in. yes, i get it! i heard you loud and clear 4 dudes on separate occasions this past week who said this to me: ‘men can get 10 girls pregnant in one day, but a woman can get pregnant once and be donzo for 9 months.’ or ‘it’s different for a woman.’ FUCK YOU!  i get it. but women aren’t fucking naive. we love sex and crave newness too! women cheat too. we date younger men who are hot and firm and stylish with tons of energy who can make us cum over and over again with an outlook on the world that keeps us young and current. look at madonna! and women are crazy career driven too. women can be just as boycrazy as men are girlcrazy. obviously. nowadays, women care more about making a career/money/and a life for themselves than having a baby! wake the fuck up dudes! so don’t you look at me and tell me we’re so different.

and also, i have to remind myself, that i’ve met men who actually like relationships. i’ve met men who are romantics and sensitive and need arms to crawl into. i’ve often been the cold fish robot who turns off her emotions to a man when he puts his heart on the line or offers it up on a silver platter. in a way this is a letter to myself to remind myself that romance and love are real and no matter how many men tell me otherwise, i’m not gonna feel stupid or naive for thinking magic happens… at least during the first 6 months. jesus!

maybe my blawg has fucked me. maybe the small pool of men i’ve dated who even know about this silly thing have rattled me a bit because they think they know my inner monologue when i’m just trying to kiss them… i’m actually at my most calm and meditative when i’m kissing and sexxxing. that’s something i’ve only just realized. it’s when i actually turn my brain off.

my hyper self awareness and sensitivity makes me think too much and ask too many questions and feel too many feelings. it’s exhausting. especially for the men who date me.

i like powerful successful men, or men who are experts/masters at what they do- whatever it is. which is probably why i am feeling this way tonight. because that highlights the type of man who has many choices, so why would he want monogamy? why would he seek the benefits of a relationship when you could be with a different girl every night and focus on work and be a perma adolescent? that’s how i feel about relationships most of the time. i make my own living, i’ve never looked to a guy to support me, and i don’t like to waste time dating people i have luke warm feelings about when i could be with friends/family/or making stuff… creatively and financially. But then i remember how good  falling and being in love felt. and even though i can barely remember, i know it’s the best thing in the world and something worth experiencing. it’s what books and movies and songs, and even babies are about (well, at least some babies).

so even though i’m fine on my own, and i’m selfish and grapple with my ego and self-importance and realizing my goals/dreams… even though i don’t feel incomplete without a bf, i’d still love it if i fell in love. who wouldn’t? which is why when i do go on a first or a few dates with someone and the vibe seems to be too rooted in logic and reality and brass tax and even though we’re holding hands or on a ‘romantic date’ but the idea that monogamy is for suckers and unrealistic… it just makes me think, ‘why are we doing this’? we need the mystery to create the love bubble. we need to put the logic and ‘bro out / best friend chatter’ to the wayside to give romance and love at least a chance to happen. otherwise, it’s like hanging out with a pal. gross. it’s like we all know too much now. we’ve seen everything fail or work SOMETIMES. we read blogs about celebrities and think ‘if they can’t make it work, WHO can?’ or ‘they look like how it should be, i only want that.’ ugh, now i’m rambling. ha. now?

to continue with that theme: if and when you do meet a new person all over again and you’re attracted and fascinated and there’s a mutual willingness and desire to keep seeing each other and get closer… that’s a whole other terrifying can of worms. being vulnerable with someone? existing with them in silence? trusting and believing they just like you? suddenly feeling exposed and seen? having to worry about being naked with them? being hyper sensitive with them , when normally you wouldn’t if you were just with someone you didn’t really care about, and a single comment could hurt your feelings? that is terrifying.

the other day, i contemplated just shutting off emotionally. it would be so much easier. with no feelings and without the ability to be emotionally available, no one could hurt me. i think i might try that.

-after i wrote this, i spoke to men who validated the idea that some guys do prefer committed relationships. they like monogamy. they told me that after a while, being single began to feel like ‘groundhogs day’. these men validated an idea or type of man who i’d thought went out the window: the kind of man who wants to be his best and do whatever he can to make the woman he’s with happy and her life better. that was a relief. cuz i know i have that desire and ability in myself when it comes to being truly/madly/deeply in love. 

i might have to restructure this website of mine and make it lean more on the side of being a big sister type thing and lead with my podcast or giving advice or answering questions and of course, the blind leading the blind. maybe the title of the site alone is what skews mens opinion of me or gives them the impression they can tell me everything; or that i’m probably a slut; or makes them scared of me cuz they think i might write about them.

or maybe i just havent met the right guy. someone who likes my openness, but knows i feel deeply about things and am very sensitive; who knows i’m not out to ruin people’s lives or expose them in anyway-with the things i write about on this site.

i know there are many right guys. but maybe i havent met one recently who i vibe with in the way i want to; where at least our differences balance us out and make us stronger and happy and comfortable.

…at least one who is sure of me and doesn’t keep sprinkling in reminders that love or relationships are unrealistic to him.

but then again, i want and i want and i want people to be open to me/with me; to be vulnerable or give me their hearts and trust me and all that… but sometimes i wonder: i don’t love everyone i meet. i’m busy and closed off to a lot of people. so i need to make sure my need for someone to be open with me isn’t just my ego needing to be fed. i need to keep the part of me that behaves like an emotional vampire at bay. i used to do that a long time ago. collect hearts for sport. it’s mean and unnecessarily complicates your life.

but i still think talking about ex’s and how monogamy isn’t possible, ON A SECOND DATE, is just bad etiquette! i mean, use your brain guys! and yes, i know girls are totally guilty of this too.

but all of this dating stuff and meeting people is a delicate dance. cuz all it takes is one person that clicks in just the right way… and then all these bizarro, klunky, not quite right fits will all make sense. they weren’t meant to… because they needed to keep me open for the one who is most right for me.


9 Responses to “a momentary rant on love and despair:”

  1. I was feeling hopeless tonight, sitting in the pink teddy bear pajamas of my recently deceased Nana and crying in the mirror, the guest of honor at my own pity party.

    It’s about a boy. But not really. It’s about the Hole that I always fall into. He’s gay and I’m creating a Teen Soap Opera in my mind that I am madly in love with him and have to fuck him or die, just die! :) We have extreme chemistry and we starting performing our art together so today my brain is driving me to lunacy and leaking acid onto my heart. I am unable, at this time, to separate romantic and platonic love in this relationship. It’s a soul mate situation, I have felt this only a few times before, but I am trying to come to terms with the reality of the situation and focus on the work, not the boy (for once).

    I haven’t found someone to date seriously for almost 2 years, which is okay, but I’m scaring myself with this extreme reaction of lust and the gimme gimmes! I think that personal issues are bubbling out because I have cracked open my chest with my recent projects and I just need to stay out of my own way and breathe through this process. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be held until this reaction occurred. It sounds like a sad tune on a bad radio station but it’s how I feel.

    So I was sitting with a doll we destroyed together (for a show, not metaphorically) which is stuffed with remnants from/about former love partners because we are both creepy witches and I started crying (again!) and thought “Why the fuck am I still so boycrazy” which triggered the memory of your blog and when I saw the newest post it made me feel a sense of relief.
    Keep putting your thoughts out there and FOR SURE the right man will love you for all of this. I just read this interview with Diane Sawyer talking about meeting Mike Nichols and for some reason it made me feel better. You are a special little light and he will want you to shine. I can’t believe I just typed that, but I do mean it! I may have PMS. But I do mean it!
    xo


  2. ‘being vulnerable with someone? existing with them in silence? trusting and believing they just like you? suddenly feeling exposed and seen? having to worry about being naked with them? being hyper sensitive with them , when normally you wouldn’t if you were just with someone you didn’t really care about, and a single comment could hurt your feelings? that is terrifying.’

    1) you are judging yourself before others judge you. it’s as if the only time you hold a mirror up to yourself is when people (present physically or mentally) are around you. you have got to get over this because when you do meet a guy that willingly accepts you he will be exceedingly frustrated that you’re still playing catch up accepting yourself.

    and…

    ‘-after i wrote this, i spoke to men who validated the idea that some guys do prefer committed relationships. they like monogamy. they told me that after a while, being single began to feel like ‘groundhogs day’. these men validated an idea or type of man who i’d thought went out the window: the kind of man who wants to be his best and do whatever he can to make the woman he’s with happy and her life better. that was a relief. cuz i know i have that desire and ability in myself when it comes to being truly/madly/deeply in love. ‘

    2) just because some guys prefer committed relationships (at one point or another in their life, and to your credit you do make reference to a certain amount of time in which this desire may last), this does not validate the idea of a ‘man who wants to be his best and do whatever he can to make the woman he’s with happy and her life better’.

    a man will not choose to be his best simply because he’s in a relationship. that’s an internal choice. plenty of men, women, people in general will choose to be a lack-luster version of themselves even when with their partner. do you think your father was the best version of himself and even so isn’t the best version of himself completely relative to the person making the evaluation? where you may place weight on one character trait, he may think he needs to be more productive.

    and secondly, a committed relationship does not entail that a man will do anything he can to make the life of his partner better. i’d hope that for the sake of expectations we could all just hope for someone to be there for us, a dependable person that we share a few common interests with that we have the ability to develop with. i guarantee that once you have found a person with whom you are sexually attracted and also envision a reasonable amount of mutual and congruent development between you two, things will work out.

    i’m not saying lower your expectations but i am saying that already in looking for someone who is an expert in their field you’ve whittled down the sample size quite a bit and i’d venture to say that those within this population are those who have grown up getting/taking what they want by way of their looks and/or mental prowess.

    you don’t need to turn off your brain but you definitely need to channel the more rational and analytical recesses of it. beware, however, because in doing so you are going to sweep the notion of romance out of your head…but doesn’t romance entail thoughtful planning??


  3. I actually gained respect for you after reading this. And relate to you. And even like you now.


  4. thank you for writing this, alexi.


  5. Is this the way you felt or the way that you feel? Do you have a spiritual side, a spiritual side to encapsulate these emotions? Who do you identify with? How do you define yourself? What guides your gyroscope, keeps you on the path? or are you groping around in the fog blindly. Anyhow, remember your birthday party, you surrounded yourself with the type of men that you are attracted to, as described by you men that you have had sexual relations with. I won’t go further because it will make you upset, but with regards to relationships it is not the quantity, but the quality.
    As for the website it is only part of the problem, I mean as a tool in which you designed it. You designed it for the “LOOK AT ME CONUNDRUM”. Here is your website’s in an analogy. I long time ago I got a device that was a lantern with an electrical grid around it to kill pesky bugs. It worked fine, the mosquitoes attracted toward the light would fly into the electrical grid and zappo they would get fried. It worked wonderfully, with one exception the lantern attracted every innocuous evening insect of the night moths, flies etc and this resulted in major bug genocide. The website is an extension of your psyche, you like the men you pursue are excited by the pursuit and conquest. In turn you attract men who are allured by the thought of their pursuit and conquest of you. What happens? Stalemate :( The building blocks for a relation in your writings are only haphazardly mentioned Integrity (you mention often that you have problems with the golden rule, that you cheat in relationships) Without integrity how can you have commitment? Without these elements you simply I will utilize your words “delete people” once their novelty diminishes you simply throw them away. Are you capable of coupling? From my experience most couples are able to couple because they come from homes where they had solid nuclear families where they had a model to work off of. In this realm I think you were at an disadvantage, did you have grandparents? Did you have a model to work off of? My experience of matching people for marriage is varied, however, don’t judge marriage from the public you seek wisdom from. Because from the public you will be only mislead. Marriage is a very private crucial matter. In today’s culture when a match is successful the couple retreats privately into their own world away from those who could threaten it. The individuals who you are seeking information from either do not understand or respect the institution or are going to be very guarded. The saying goes once you find someone SHHHHHHH! and the stories I could tell what goes on at some weddings, but that is for another time. When and if you find someone then its shhhhhh! Its not hopeless, its just damn hard! Its takes me 5-7 years to match people arrrggggh yep its frustrating. There is also something else that you are going to have to learn or you are going to destroy or continue destroying every possible viable relationship that you engage in. THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS LIKE THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH, BUT IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU LOVE THAT PERSON. That is why commitment plays a key role in this.

    Marriage is a business contract and the element of honesty comprises integrity needed for such a relationship between two people to work.
    Communication is another element that you address, however, it is an element that has brought trials and tribulations. There are some aspects of communications that you excel in. However, there are other aspects of communication that you fall flat on your face with. It is often difficult if not impossible to communicate with you. I guess as you have mentioned in previous writings and broadcasts good at invalidating others. These communication issues are such that they hold you back in some of your endeavors, but i am not going to delve further on this subject. Madonna and many other career driven women are not role models. Publicly, they may seem happy, but privately they are sad that they missed milestones of having a family with children. This is the price they pay for trying to be like men. :( Moreover, neither are celebrities you have to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
    The choice of man that you seek will in the end be your choice. yes, it is a leap of faith.
    Sincerely,

    With Affection and Fatigue To the one addicted to the search.
    Dr. Dan
    Associate Professor Health Psychology and Behavioral Sciences.


  6. Move to Canada. Guys are cute, nice and DO ACTUALLY fall in love in here. I GUARANTEE, I’m with one of them and I’m Italian.

    If you don’t believe me try to come here for a couple of weeks, Vancouver just stopped being rainy and is beautiful. TRUST ME. GIVE THE CANADIANS A TRY AND DON’T LOOSE FAITH! LOVE EXISTS!
    Plus if you’re coming to Vancouver I’ll buy you a cup of the best gelato in the world.


  7. Honestly I didn’t even read this, but I think you’re over thinking the concept of love. But you do you gurrrl.


  8. “collect hearts for sport.” -great line.


  9. I stumbled upon your blog, read some of it. Gawked at the great videos then dove into this entry. I’m energized, saddened and inspired by your struggle for love. I’m married and still struggle with love. My struggles are similar but rather than focus on the chance of finding someone out there, I ask similar questions about my wife. Of course I ask them silently because half of them would offend or horrify her. I think about women and relationships in terms of the scars that I have to show for them. My wife has done me little wrong in a long time but caused a great scar while we were still dating. I moved on but ocassionally(maybe once or twice a day!) come back to it. I love her. I love love.
    I love your thoughts on the whole momentous ordeal that dating and mating is.
    Top notch entry. I’ll try to keep up with you.


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