BLOG » a momentary rant on love and despair:
one time, i felt like this. i was dating the wrong person. i was confused. i felt stuck. so i wrote this to try to make sense of it all. cognitive behavioral therapy on myself.
what the fuck is going on? i’m a romantic. i swear. i am such a romantic. but lately, i keep hearing the same things from men… some of whom i’ve been on dates with or guys who i THINK think they’re flirting or even bonding with me- i keep hearing about how men aren’t wired for monogamy or that it’s boring or unrealistic. this info on a date i’m on with a guy, coupled with the fact that i feel like i haven’t dated anyone who’s crazy enough about me to want me to be their girlfriend in about a year- is beginning to break my heart and cause me to lose faith in love or the idea that men actually maybe like and want to be in relationships too. i’m not even sure about the guy or if i like him that much before he’s clubbing me over the head with unromantic rationale.
i wonder if part of the reason for the responses i’m getting is because i have this website (too meta and or self referential? sorry. this one time only. actually, that’s probs a lie) and guys either don’t wanna date me because of it, or men have some misinformed idea that i don’t believe in a committed relationship, or they feel they can tell me their innermost thoughts on love/sex/dating/and relationshipps because they know i’m facinated by it and write about it. but in doing so, i become their friend; the bubble bursts and romance is debunked…leaving me feeling a bit hopeless on love.
i know i’ve felt it (love). i know i’ve been in amazing relationships. and the men i experienced them with would agree. i know what love can feel like…. and i haven’t felt it in a while.
i’m so sick of men i date telling me about how marriage and monogamy or whatever is unrealistic. or telling me about ex’s, etc. (even though i’m guilty of this too- i have made a new rule not to talk about ex’s with guys i might want to date) where is the mystery? what happened to the mystery? i want to believe in love and romance! i know it exists! i see it! i’ve felt it! i’ve had it!
but i feel cold and dead inside… today. i will change my mind in an hour or tomorrow… but you’ve caught me in a moment.
men i’ve met at the community table at m cafe or guys i’ve dated or just men i know or whatever tell me that they’re not satisfied. that they want the next best thing or something new or to cheat or to be alone or whatever!
but i also see married couples that seem happy and like best friends!
AND i see married couples that are young, but look dead inside, who don’t have sex anymore.
i talk to married men who complain about being married and flirt with women who aren’t their wives and say ‘of course i want to fuck other women, i’m a man’
it all just seems hopeless.
it’s seems like the idea of being in love is now just a bubble that will ultimately burst after a few months, but for me… date #2.
here’s my theory, i don’t even know if i’ll ever want to/or be asked to get married (again, cuz i was engaged when i was 21) but this is what i think the key to happiness is when it comes to love and dating and relationships:
meet someone who you’re attracted to, who you have great physical chemistry with, who you respect and who makes you laugh, and vice versa. and be their gf or bf (which means being monogamous) ONLY if the idea of losing them or them with another person makes you feel like you’re being punched in the stomach.
then stay with that person until you’re no longer compelled to. this doesn’t mean that every day will be great; but even when you have fights or are having a hard time with someone, you can still have a desire to be with them. however, the minute you honestly don’t feel the relationship is worth fighting for… get out of there as gracefully and in the kindest way possible.
but the shitty thing is, people aren’t honest with their partner or even WORSE: themselves. they stay in relationships years longer than they should. when they were miserable 10 months in but too much of a coward to leave. they cheat and could potentially bring diseases back into their partners bed, (their partner who is under the impression that they’re partaking in a monogamous relationship).
see, you can have whatever relationship you want: monogamous, open, no relationship, whatevs… as long as your partner is on the same page. and the relationship might morph and change so the two parties have to check in with each other and communicate! but people hate communication. they’re terrified of conflict and everyone’s such a people pleaser they just do and say what they think their partner wants to hear or believe! and then vent and complain to strangers. ugh!
i feel like i’m pretty clear on all this. so until i find someone who wants to do this with me that i have chemistry with and am fascinated by… my search continues. but hearing so many men tell me that men and women are wired differently lately has done my head in. yes, i get it! i heard you loud and clear 4 dudes on separate occasions this past week who said this to me: ‘men can get 10 girls pregnant in one day, but a woman can get pregnant once and be donzo for 9 months.’ or ‘it’s different for a woman.’ FUCK YOU! i get it. but women aren’t fucking naive. we love sex and crave newness too! women cheat too. we date younger men who are hot and firm and stylish with tons of energy who can make us cum over and over again with an outlook on the world that keeps us young and current. look at madonna! and women are crazy career driven too. women can be just as boycrazy as men are girlcrazy. obviously. nowadays, women care more about making a career/money/and a life for themselves than having a baby! wake the fuck up dudes! so don’t you look at me and tell me we’re so different.
and also, i have to remind myself, that i’ve met men who actually like relationships. i’ve met men who are romantics and sensitive and need arms to crawl into. i’ve often been the cold fish robot who turns off her emotions to a man when he puts his heart on the line or offers it up on a silver platter. in a way this is a letter to myself to remind myself that romance and love are real and no matter how many men tell me otherwise, i’m not gonna feel stupid or naive for thinking magic happens… at least during the first 6 months. jesus!
maybe my blawg has fucked me. maybe the small pool of men i’ve dated who even know about this silly thing have rattled me a bit because they think they know my inner monologue when i’m just trying to kiss them… i’m actually at my most calm and meditative when i’m kissing and sexxxing. that’s something i’ve only just realized. it’s when i actually turn my brain off.
my hyper self awareness and sensitivity makes me think too much and ask too many questions and feel too many feelings. it’s exhausting. especially for the men who date me.
i like powerful successful men, or men who are experts/masters at what they do- whatever it is. which is probably why i am feeling this way tonight. because that highlights the type of man who has many choices, so why would he want monogamy? why would he seek the benefits of a relationship when you could be with a different girl every night and focus on work and be a perma adolescent? that’s how i feel about relationships most of the time. i make my own living, i’ve never looked to a guy to support me, and i don’t like to waste time dating people i have luke warm feelings about when i could be with friends/family/or making stuff… creatively and financially. But then i remember how good falling and being in love felt. and even though i can barely remember, i know it’s the best thing in the world and something worth experiencing. it’s what books and movies and songs, and even babies are about (well, at least some babies).
so even though i’m fine on my own, and i’m selfish and grapple with my ego and self-importance and realizing my goals/dreams… even though i don’t feel incomplete without a bf, i’d still love it if i fell in love. who wouldn’t? which is why when i do go on a first or a few dates with someone and the vibe seems to be too rooted in logic and reality and brass tax and even though we’re holding hands or on a ‘romantic date’ but the idea that monogamy is for suckers and unrealistic… it just makes me think, ‘why are we doing this’? we need the mystery to create the love bubble. we need to put the logic and ‘bro out / best friend chatter’ to the wayside to give romance and love at least a chance to happen. otherwise, it’s like hanging out with a pal. gross. it’s like we all know too much now. we’ve seen everything fail or work SOMETIMES. we read blogs about celebrities and think ‘if they can’t make it work, WHO can?’ or ‘they look like how it should be, i only want that.’ ugh, now i’m rambling. ha. now?
to continue with that theme: if and when you do meet a new person all over again and you’re attracted and fascinated and there’s a mutual willingness and desire to keep seeing each other and get closer… that’s a whole other terrifying can of worms. being vulnerable with someone? existing with them in silence? trusting and believing they just like you? suddenly feeling exposed and seen? having to worry about being naked with them? being hyper sensitive with them , when normally you wouldn’t if you were just with someone you didn’t really care about, and a single comment could hurt your feelings? that is terrifying.
the other day, i contemplated just shutting off emotionally. it would be so much easier. with no feelings and without the ability to be emotionally available, no one could hurt me. i think i might try that.
-after i wrote this, i spoke to men who validated the idea that some guys do prefer committed relationships. they like monogamy. they told me that after a while, being single began to feel like ‘groundhogs day’. these men validated an idea or type of man who i’d thought went out the window: the kind of man who wants to be his best and do whatever he can to make the woman he’s with happy and her life better. that was a relief. cuz i know i have that desire and ability in myself when it comes to being truly/madly/deeply in love.
i might have to restructure this website of mine and make it lean more on the side of being a big sister type thing and lead with my podcast or giving advice or answering questions and of course, the blind leading the blind. maybe the title of the site alone is what skews mens opinion of me or gives them the impression they can tell me everything; or that i’m probably a slut; or makes them scared of me cuz they think i might write about them.
or maybe i just havent met the right guy. someone who likes my openness, but knows i feel deeply about things and am very sensitive; who knows i’m not out to ruin people’s lives or expose them in anyway-with the things i write about on this site.
i know there are many right guys. but maybe i havent met one recently who i vibe with in the way i want to; where at least our differences balance us out and make us stronger and happy and comfortable.
…at least one who is sure of me and doesn’t keep sprinkling in reminders that love or relationships are unrealistic to him.
but then again, i want and i want and i want people to be open to me/with me; to be vulnerable or give me their hearts and trust me and all that… but sometimes i wonder: i don’t love everyone i meet. i’m busy and closed off to a lot of people. so i need to make sure my need for someone to be open with me isn’t just my ego needing to be fed. i need to keep the part of me that behaves like an emotional vampire at bay. i used to do that a long time ago. collect hearts for sport. it’s mean and unnecessarily complicates your life.
but i still think talking about ex’s and how monogamy isn’t possible, ON A SECOND DATE, is just bad etiquette! i mean, use your brain guys! and yes, i know girls are totally guilty of this too.
but all of this dating stuff and meeting people is a delicate dance. cuz all it takes is one person that clicks in just the right way… and then all these bizarro, klunky, not quite right fits will all make sense. they weren’t meant to… because they needed to keep me open for the one who is most right for me.