BLOG » GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh

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When Things Get Weird

By Amanda Leigh

I hate dating. I hate the word hate even more. I’m at the point where if you don’t knock my socks off, I’d rather stay home and not spend the hour plus getting ready that it takes to go out with you.

I’m an independent woman. I know who I am. I have a full, vibrant life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Plus I have a dog to cuddle with and a great vibrator. So to knock my socks off at this point isn’t easy.

I met a man online recently who excited me enough to curl my hair and leave the house in make-up to meet him. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours straight 2 days in a row before meeting face to face. When I saw his beautiful big blue eyes in real time there was an instant spark.

We didn’t leave each other’s side for 3 weeks straight. We talked about our life goals, dreams, and we even talked about getting a place together. Everything lined up. We decided to be exclusive and agreed that this was something special.

I thought I had met the Ice-T to my Coco. My friends thought I was crazy. We’ve all heard the stories. Two people meet when they’re least expecting it and boom! They’re together for life. It could happen to anyone. And I thought it was happening to me.

He didn’t fit the pattern of the emotionally unavailable, douchey turd bags I’ve dated in the past. First of all, he was a full-blown, no-holds-barred gainfully employed tech nerd with no spray tan and no metrosexual tendencies. He grew up on a farm in the Midwest and didn’t relate to the absurdity of Hollywood. Secondly, he was single and not married pretending to be single. And thirdly, he was straightforward, kind, generous, loving, chivalrous, and funny. He insisted on open, honest communication. He was even tall. Finding a tall employed man with values in Los Angeles is like finding a unicorn.

Things were going great. I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. Friends were happy that I was finally getting some good D from a nice guy with a good heart. I introduced him to my dog and she literally followed him into the shower and licked the tub when he got out. Then one day, out of the blue, things got weird.

I hate it when things get weird. But sadly, I’m also used to it. That moment when you don’t know what is about to happen but you know it will make you cry. Or feel sad. Or lose what you’ve been enjoying so much. A nauseous fearful feeling takes over your body. That moment when you know you are about to get really hurt by someone else. Yep. It was about to happen to me.

Suddenly, he seemed less interested, impatient, and distant.  He stopped replying to text messages right away, stopped taking the initiative to call me, and his tone of voice changed when we spoke on the phone. Because I don’t like unspoken weirdness, I asked him what was up. He assured me everything was fine on his end.

A couple of days after I noticed this change in his energy, he dropped a bomb in my morning orange juice. He said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that our exclusivity is off the table. Why? Because I need to focus on work and you’re a  distraction from it.  I really didn’t want to cry so I held it in. Um, yeah that’s so dumb to even try to do and it doesn’t work. It actually makes crying worse because rather than drizzling tears you actually burst and pour. And that’s what I did. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I could balance everything. Blah blah blah…

Ohhhkkkkk….

Men consistently say they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings but they do it in ways that seem so ridiculous, uncaring, and avoidable. Many men project that having a relationship is a bad thing – that all women are a hassle or take up too much time because they have been in relationships with unhealthy women in the past. It’s not fair to those of us who are healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative, and understanding. I’m not your ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife. My intention in partnership is to both thrive and be more successful together than we are apart. Not to weigh anyone down. Myself included.

How does someone go from full speed ahead to a screeching halt like that? If he had told me in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship I would not have gone out with him.

My hunch is that he is avoiding the exact thing he actually wants and needs with some strange excuse about work and about his inability to focus.

There’s no perfect time for anything in life. If you want something badly enough and are capable of embracing it, you will make it happen and balance your responsibilities regardless of obstacles. Clearly, he didn’t want to make the effort.

I’m moving on. Quickly. I’ve already spoken with two ex-boyfriends who told me it’s his loss. And Doin Me is on replay in my car. I’m back to the dating grind. I already cancelled a date with a guy who sent me a dick pick before we met in person. And I’m back online full force communicating with other morons looking for that needle in a haystack. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of Gods children but some are idiots. Sorry, God.

I guess I was under the wrong impression that if a guy is nerdy looking, doesn’t kiss on the second date, and drinks O’Douls that things won’t get weird. I should have known when he brought his silverware disinfectant to dinner that something weird would happen. Note to self: add that to the list of dating red flags.

 

If you want to follow me on Insta I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m www.facebook/therealamandaleigh. I’m working on being more narcissistic so hopefully my lack of selfies won’t bore you.


7 Responses to “GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh”

  1. It sounds like he is AVOIDANT.

    You should have a read/listen to these guys – they have totally changed my approach to dating.

    http://www.attachedthebook.com/


  2. I am not one to read these relationship books but this one is different! Start with this quiz.

    http://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

    I have totally experienced what you describe – it’s awful. We just need to learn how to look for the signs early on.


  3. I took the quiz! My attachment style is secure. Interesting stuff!!


  4. That’s great that you are secure – which means that even if you are with an avoidant your relationship can still be great. Good luck!


  5. This happened to me in a major way last summer on almost the same timeline. After about 3 weeks the guy started being completely weird. It makes me think the guys that rush full speed ahead into relationship territory are always going to do this! They are always the ones planning the future and then suddenly stop calling you. Sorry Amanda! I wrote a blog like ten times as long as this one about mine. So I commend you!


  6. I was in this situation, but I would like you to see it from the other side. It’s nothing to do with him not caring for you, but the fear of your exponentially growing emotions. Some relationships, both people are ready to jump on board and say “this is it, you’re the one” right away. For others, like myself, this is too fast, we see the beauty in the gradual unfolding process of a relationship. People can sense when you’ve settled, and when you’ve become fully invested. It’s not that we don’t feel the spark, it just comes on all too intense and too quickly. From the other side, it scares me to know you care so much about me. It’s smothering, and makes me want to detach, because no matter what I say…we can still feel the heaviness of your gaze, and not the light-hearted fun was what got us into it all in the first place.
    My advice is not to love less intensely, but to not throw all of your heart into something right away. For me, I lose the mystery about someone that keeps me wanting more. If I know you’ve got all of someone in such a short period of time, I’m not going to fight to keep them-if anything I fight to keep them at some distance, so I can keep things working at a healthy pace.
    It’s not to say you give up either. I think you see dating as something that is an all or nothing kind of thing. When we date someone, our life does not have to be determined by that person. They can be a part of our life without having to be all of it.


  7. Did it ever occur to you that it probably had something to do with you being a stripper? (Or pole enthusiast? Whatever you may want to call it.) Maybe he thought he could get past it, but couldn’t. Girls need to also look at their actions and the type of people they want to attract. (If you put underwear pictures of yourself in the internet, yes maybe perhaps you’ll be the one getting dick pics sent to you by complete strangers.) Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m glad you were able to move on quickly and hopefully you’ve found someone with whom things don’t get weird.


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