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i didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t tell if i was angry at him for the reasons I said I was; or was trying to ruin it? was i just testing him (which is just another way of saying ‘trying to ruin it’) to see how much he could endure/see how much he loved me/see if i could prove myself right, so i could say “see?! i knew you would leave me. i knew you would eventually abandon me. just like my father. there’s no such thing as unconditional love!”

then again, these questions could also be asked of my behavior in every other serious relationship i’d ever been in.

ugh. once again I found myself single, or at least on the verge of being single.

and the worst part, in trying to make sense of it all, was how good i was at assuming no responsibility and pinning all the blame on the guy.

8 Responses to “is it me? it must be me.”

  1. Distance magnifies everything. Longing, fear, intensity of passion. There’s often a feeling accompanying a long distance love of “this had better be worth it”, so the temptation to endure so you can say to yourself (mostly) and to others (seeking external validation maybe?) “Look how much I go through for this. This is real!” is often stronger than the thing you are suffering for. The cruellest consequence for those who overthink (not looking at anyone!) is the lack of feedback, which only intensifies the tendency to overthink. Beware of filling the gap yourself with anxieties that may not be true.

  2. i do this for fear of telling a guy what I already know. It would be too brave to tell him it’s not working out. I feel like making him hate me would make him want to leave me, but it usually ends up with him clinging harder. Pushing him over the edge, then blaming him is something we do mentally to rationalize destructive behavior. We don’t end things up front because we don’t want to be the bad guy.

  3. Wow. You sound just like my ex.

  4. Why post about it? What are you actually expressing? Is this some kind of disdain for your own behavior? Or is it a rationalization of something that most people would see as damage? You’ve come too far to perpetuate this kind of counter-productive stuff.. (Look at me, talking like I actually know you. Wait, nevermind. don’t look at me.) Stop screwing up. Let a man be a man. Stop thinking about your dad. I’m going through the same thing with my girlfriend. And I want her to reconnect with her father really bad. This provides a dim foresight into what is to come in my relationship. And if this is where every road leads to when traveling with a person that holds scornful resentment for fathers and men in general, then I should just break it off entirely. I’ve been put through the ringer by her, and I’ve just come around to giving her a second chance. I’m not saying there isn’t another gorgeous, emotionally responsible, well mannered man around the bend. But I’m saying don’t press your luck. you’re attempting the same thing but expecting a different result. Theres a definition for that.

    Make things right if all is not well. You deserve to be loved. And I’m pretty sure he does too.

  5. oh boo boo. i’m so sorry.

  6. thank you andy. ok. i will.

  7. The compendium of complexities Alexi Celine Wasser, there are several things going one here, but for the sake of brevity I am going to be succinct. Mostly, because I lack information about the other party.

    (1) You are one of most interesting, fascinating individuals traversing the web in form, content and especially with regard to your search which in turn is your journey. You have had plenty of time and opportunities to work out your grievances with your father and place them in a proper context. I believe that it is a culmination of a lot more, basically your upbringing has a lot of dings and dents that still has to smoothed over and you are taking these experiences into each of your relationships.

    (2) You have to be the Captain of your Ship, in other words you have to have the skills to stand at the helm (podium) and become the Captain of your Life. Those skills come with one’s upbringing. I say that a young woman without a father for guidance to model what a proper man would be is like an explorer without a map they get lost. Worse for the girl who grows up to be a woman because they have never had the training or experience whenever, they reach a rough patch of sea they abandon ship or jump overboard (aka abandon relationship) at the slightest hint or possible hint of trouble. You have never have had a marriage modeled for you. Thats why you in many of your Boy Crazy Adventures are looking for models. Second, there are attachment issues. There are more, but I do not want to get smacked.

    (3) You have a very powerful Neshemma that is hebrew for Spirit and Soul and that emanates from your Jewish Half. In fact, without it there would be no Boy Crazy Radio!. You have to take what you feel are your greatest weaknesses and make them your greatest strengths. Many of my colleagues say sadly she knows not what she is.)Simply put, you have a ship but it is missing the rigging, helm, rudders and sails. Adding, that you yourself have admitted that you were raised without any boundaries, how can you chart a course in life.

    (4) For once stand steadfast and surf the emotional and psychological storm, because it will pass, making the next one easier to traverse.

    TAP your GIRL POWER, you were always on a podium, take the helm, take command and take the man.

    With Sentiments,

    Dr. Dan

    With Sentiments,


  8. you have no idea how accurate this is
    thought I was the only one -___-

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