BLOG » the blind leading the blind (part 128):

33-Petra-Collins

 

1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 


8 Responses to “the blind leading the blind (part 128):”

  1. I have to seperate “boy stuff” from “girl” stuff. I’ll say “Vicki is going out later.”
    Her: Where is she going? Who is she going with? What is she wearing? Will she be home later? How will she get there?”
    Me: Those are all good questions, but they are “girl” questions. I had a 30 second phone call with her. Boys really aren’t That curious unless there’s some reason to be. I try hard Not to Interrogate my friends, unless there’s a need to.
    Her:……..


  2. #3. yes. YES. thank for being part of the boyfriend jeans make you look like a lazy cow awareness movement. we have a BJMYLLALC awareness run/walk in a few weeks in malibu, donations welcome via paypal.


  3. Such a cute bum!
    But seriously! Cunt farts are the cutest and so sexy. I love them! Anything that increases the fun aspect of the best fun I know has to be good. My wife and I enjoy the things that go wrong almost as much as the things that go right, because laughter is good good medicine, and sex and laughter are at the top of the list.


  4. No. 10 is the one piece of advice that all women should take wrt to their male partners.


  5. Wearing boyfriend jeans (or, for that matter, boyfriend-anything) is like giving yourself a hickey. If you have a bf, by all means borrows his clothes (men love that shit) but if you don’t, don’t think that wearing clothes that don’t fit will a) make you feel better or b) fool anyone.


  6. @BoyCrazy I thought I left a post but I guess I forgot. I listened to your radio show and I think my girlfriend liked the kitten talk but I was thinking there was some rock n roll element to your show. I found that singer from Brooklyn, he’s a lawyer or something too. I told him I was on your site and he made me a personal mp3 of the song I wanted. He said you guys were friens a long time ago. Thanks for the hook-up. He also sent a video of father jon that you are in.

    X


  7. #3 & 10 really? Now we’re drifting into Cosmo magazine BS. Baggy jeans will keep me from having a boyfriend? I should NEVER say anything that makes me sound insecure? No thanks, I’ll evolve at my own pace. If my partner doesn’t want me to say/do anything unpleasant ever, they obviously don’t value me as a whole person, with both good & bad. A relationship should be a long-term thing, and not just a fling where you avoid breaking the ice. Or maybe this site is just about making sure girls land a date? Not exactly hard to do though, is it?


  8. PS Maybe you could stop pretending all men are perfect and putting them on a pedestal. We’ve all seen our bfs on the couch stuffing their face, or dealt with their insensitive remarks, or whatever, but we still like them as people. There’s no reason to act like women somehow need to live up to their “perfect” partner. It’s just sad, incorrect, and so 1950s.


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