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i don’t know what it is. is it a sign of the times? whatever it is, i tend to feel perpetually unsatisfied.

am i alone in this?

it’s funny, if i didn’t set such high, specific goals for myself, maybe i wouldn’t feel this way.  maybe i’d be satisfied. but being ‘satisfied’ sounds horrible too. satisfaction sounds like giving up. like getting fat, wearing sweat pants, & watching television… forever. like settling.

but as long as i haven’t met my self-imposed goals, i feel like a failure. i feel incomplete. i feel ‘less than’. and i’m sure as hell not grateful for all that i DO have. as it is: life is great. i am a white girl with bangs in los angeles. aside from getting the least serious form of cancer when i was in my early twenties (thyroid) and being emotionally & physically abused by my parents (hitting, not molesting – but geeze, what was wrong with me? not pretty enough? jkjk)… i have a good life. i’ve always made a living all on my own. i don’t have a rich family to fall back on, so i’ve never had help or a safety net. and i would never think to ask anyone for help.

but i want a lot for myself. i’m not sure if accomplishing those things will even make me happy, but right now, i believe it will… so that’s what i strive for. and if i get those things, and they don’t bring me happiness, i will go from there. yes, i know you’re supposed to be happy with yourself first because no person or thing can complete you or fill a hole inside you. well, except my vaginal hole- but you know what i mean. anyways… for the most part i am happy. but when i am quiet and still; when i am just meant to co exist and be calm with another –  it’s hard for me. being in a partnership when i am unsatisfied with myself and terrified of potentially NEVER realizing my goals makes me take it out on my partner –  which makes me feel as though i’m better off being alone until i realize my dreams. but that might never happen and then i will be alone forever. i need to learn to co-exist with someone no matter what i’m experiencing. don’t i? idk. i’m so rigid and controlled, and can be really stubborn and a know it all. i even constantly question what type of man i’m most supposed to be with- even when i’m WITH a good one. like a lot of girls, i’m chasing a ghost. someone who may not even exist. this scares me. do i take the imperfect, interesting beauty life places in front of me, and realize that that’s what life is… or do i get caught up in my head and say: i should be this, my life should be that, i should be with the type of man who is a, b, or c. even though i’ve yet to meet that phantom man, or even gel with/be interested in him if i HAVE met him.

aren’t all the answers in me? don’t i control my life’s path? if i need / want to accomplish shit, isn’t that all on me? does it matter who i’m with? will i always be unsatisfied? is this the state of the nation – and by nation, i mean privileged people with no real problems? how dare you. it’s all relative. if you have the time to read a blog or instagram, you can relate to me, possibly. but really, is this feeling of perpetual dissatisfaction a sign of the times? does everything move too fast? do we have too many choices at our fingertips? are we comparing ourselves too much because we have the outlets to watch other people brag and showcase their ‘perfect’ exciting lives… even though, behind closed doors, they’re probably suicidal?

i wonder if there’s more. i’ve been listening to radio shows lately that feature a guy named james van praagh, who says we are all just souls who inhabit a body and we never really die. there is no such thing as dying in fact, we just leave the bodies we inhabit. we leave these space suits. and we are here on this earth because we chose to be; to learn a lesson. sometimes i wonder what my lesson is to learn while i’m here. i don’t meditate. i don’t like yoga- sometimes i do, but for the most part i don’t. i like long quiet walks while i people watch and think thoughts and am in my head. i’ve heard this is a type of walking meditation. i’m a searcher. be it with my writing, via therapy, books, psychics, shamans, clairvoyants, tarot, conversations with strangers young & old, etc. i want to know what’s gonna happen, i want to learn from people, i want to know it’s all gonna be ok, i want to make a dent in this lifetime, i want to be seen and be helpful and be recognized for making a positive difference, i want to make people laugh. i want to feel connected. i want to feel like i belong. i want a lot.

i guess i have to find the happy medium of enjoying life, being happy, being grateful, being in the moment, working, and resting – so i can appreciate the special and amazing things that happen, while always simultaneously continuing to strive for more so i grow and feel like i’m learning something, becoming better, contributing something not even intentionally, just via my trying to understand more and go deeper and because i like what i’m doing. and appreciating the moments as they happen. not always living in the future. a future that might never happen.

i have to stop with the “i’ll be happy when that happens.” “when THAT happens, then i’ll feel like i can have fun/take a trip/do that thing/breathe/feel worthy of existing/feel like i’m good enough/bring something to the table/am no longer invisible/am allowed to exist.”

i’m realizing that it’s the process of being ‘in the doing’ and making of things that brings happiness. building a life and collecting stories that makes for an emotionally satisfying full life experience. a rich life. a fulfilling life. a higher quality of life. i’m even gonna get a cat so i have to put my attention on another living thing outside of myself, so i stop being so self-centered and selfish. i’m gonna go out-of-town without being filled with fear that i might miss a job or people might get mad at me. i’m gonna ground myself. i’m gonna have self-worth. i’m striving for more. a higher quality of life.

this perpetual dissatisfaction is a surefire recipe for depression. and it has to stop. i get so trapped in my head, spiral downward and am missing out on what could be a great life because of all my doom and gloom. things that help me get out of my head are listening to music all the time. listening to it loud. taking baths. taking pride in how i put myself together before i leave the house, and throwing myself into writing/work, always having a book to read or listen to; always be learning and discovering things: be it music, art, people, designers, writers, etc. being inspired or to inspire. be nice. talk to strangers… but not too much and not ALL the time. having boundaries is important & being conscious of the energy you expend on people and things that aren’t good for you or who are not worth your time & could suck you in and drain you.

that list was for me. but it’s for you too if you need it.

i’m just trying to be satisfied.

or at least live somewhere in between satisfied and unsatisfied.

love, alexi

 


13 Responses to “perpetually unsatisfied”

  1. The most powerful mantra in the universe is: “Hey, you know what? Fuck it. Let’s go!”


  2. Are you an Aquarius? This feels like it came right from my head


  3. Alexi,
    I just want you to know that you’re the shit. I’m sitting here in my car outside of Macdonalds (needed somewhere to use the Wifi while I wait for my boyfriend to finish recording this new demo he’s working on) and I just wanted you to know that you just explained EXACTLY how I feel 99% of the time. You’re an amazing writer, and I think that’s it’s fantastic that you share your thoughts through this blog-you’re a skilled and entertaining writer- so people like me (right now I’m in bumble fuck nowhere NY! Yes, you’ve reached an audience out here and are making a difference in my boycrazy/hopelesslyromantic/forever-motivatedbutalwaysunsatisfied life!)
    Thank you, I hope one day I’ll run into you when I come to LA to do all sorts of art-related things. I also hope you check out my website and like my dark, yet hopeful, art (although I don’t really care if you do check it out, I’m writing this to let you know that you do make a big difference, and to remind you that’s it’s awesome. lol)
    Keep killin’ it! Know you will.
    <3 <3 Huskee


  4. I’m so glad (and sad) that someone else feels this way. I can’t tell you how many relationships, trips, events, etc I have ruined because I did not feel like I was pretty/skinny/cool/secure/accomplished enough to to be in the moment and enjoy them. I am constantly destroying relationships because I don’t feel like I am doing exactly what I think I should be doing in terms of life goals and having someone hold up a mirror to your current situation is a perpetual reminder of what you are and are not. I lost a really great guy because my insecurities ate me alive and I became cold and distant and eventually hooked up with someone else because I couldn’t understand why he could like me since I have not done much with my life. Being an actress or writer or someone with a great imagination is so hard because I feel like I live in a sort of pure potential and I am always searching, but then when it comes to the reality of things its not the same. Anyways, I feel you girl, and thank you for sharing and doing all that you do. <3


  5. Alexi, I wrote a blog about similar feelings. Also, I feel like you have probably been to Marfa but if you haven’t, go. I was just there and my whole world is shook up. Life was simpler there and it felt so good and pure. It taught me something. Here’s my 30 something freak out blog! http://interstalking.com/2014/05/21/am-i-even-good-at-this/


  6. preach, sista gurl.


  7. I missed these kinds of posts. It’s good to see you writing out your thoughts again, I feel like for a while it was all just promo for your radio show and posting old videos?


  8. Thanks for sharing this. feeling similar in many ways. You’re causes and solutions are spot on. life gets bigger and better and we relay on romance, finance and career. It isn’t are primary purpose. We can inspire and have contributon and it when we don’t use ego, we really feel connected. Lately I’ve asked is this real or imagined? Do I feel like this way cause I’m 30?
    Anyway, I’ll save it for therapy and enjoy the process and be grateful for the countless blessing. Cheers.


  9. I like your blog because you get all serious about life, then show us how to laugh at life. I live somewhere between satisfied and unsatisfied. I call it contentment. It works for me, but please don’t go there–a monk does not the blogger make.


  10. You’re gonna be ok, Alexi. This life was never made to be easy, it’s hard and full of challenges. That’s the beautiful thing though, the challenges. I can relate to having a crazy childhood (I’ve been homeless twice and have lived through rough times at a very young age) but the challenges we are faced with are just opportunities to prove to people, to the universe and most importantly, to ourselves, that we are stronger and more powerful than we ever thought before. You are bigger than the mountains that are placed in front of you. Just remember that. I’ll admit, my life isn’t perfect and I struggle with questions of being happy and satisfied as well, but I think it’s something we just have to go through and experience in this life. And when you find your happiness it’s gonna be these times of soul searching and exploration that you’ll remember the most. It’s the journey that makes the destination all worth while. You exist, through the rough times and the great times, and that is beautiful. 🙂


  11. To: Dr. Alexi Celine Wasser
    An extraordinarily talented Hollywood Relationship Columnist.
    First, feeling perpetually unsatisfied and not being appreciative of what one has gone on for eons. So long in fact it long ago became the material of fables one of which was the dog and his bone written sometime around 5th century B.C.E. The story goes
    A Dog, to whom the butcher had thrown a bone, was hurrying home with his prize as fast as he could go. As he crossed a narrow footbridge, he happened to look down and saw himself reflected in the quiet water as if in a mirror. But the greedy Dog thought he saw a real Dog carrying a bone much bigger than his own.
    If he had stopped to think he would have known better. But instead of thinking, he dropped his bone and sprang at the Dog in the river, only to find himself swimming for dear life to reach the shore. At last he managed to scramble out, and as he stood sadly thinking about the good bone he had lost, he realized what a stupid Dog he had been. It is very foolish to be greedy or not be appreciative of what ones has.
    As for finding your soul mate all searches must come to an end. Time is a luxury when you are in your twenties. However, I am sure you have discovered in your thirties that it becomes a valuable commodity. Goals are important because they demand personal investment that in turn fuels personal growth that hopefully drives one towards a positive and constructive direction. The way I see it everyone has to be a Captain of their life as you are with yours. They have to chart it and set sail into the unknown. (in this case I am using the Sea Captain analogy) My grandmother of blessed memory told life is like a great ocean it is either going to make you a really great sailor or it is going to kill you. Anyway, for your sake it will not be the latter. As for that ultimate search for that someone as I aforementioned above, here is the realistic truth. Everyone settles, but there are things as a brilliant, vibrant young woman you do not have to settle for. You do not have to settle for a guy who physically and/or emotionally abuses you. A guy who uses drugs. a guy who cheats on you. A guy who is financially irresponsible.
    As for the goals, for someone who is more seasoned than you are , after navigating the seas of Hollywood. I no longer see them as the one and only thing anymore, because I was taught a Piercing Perceptive Perspective Provides Propulsive Power. Goals were transformed into milestones along the journey of life. As I have sailed this ocean of life I have engaged many a people (including you) not knowing what was over the horizon, in a park on the sidewalk I have incorporated those experiences into my personal investment to be channeled into my personal growth. For instance, did I benefit from meeting you even though it might not have been the most beneficial or constructive encounter. I had no idea how it would turn out. To be honest, stumbling across your path has brought me great Enlightenment in ways I could have never expected. There is also something I have come to appreciate, and that is I have had via of an intact nuclear family in a sea of divorce the privilege of having passed down to me the experiences and knowledge of my fathers and forefathers (mothers and foremothers are equally important as well):) passed down to me so that I have has the benefit of having a shorter learning curve and so as a Captain of Life I can more readily chart a safe course by avoiding danger. This is turn has taught me something else you “DO NOT GET WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE!”, YOU GET WHAT YOU NEGOTIATE! As for “know it alls” ARROGANCE = IGNORANCE AND IGNORANCE = ARROGANCE, BOTH = DEATH AND/OR FAILURE. As for the mind storms you encounter when you are in situations of loneliness and/or aloneness it is important that you have a special type of people to serve as a sounding board and to convey what I mean here is another story.
    “You liken these special type of people to who you are entrusted to men women lost in a great forest. They chance upon another woman who had been lost even longer and they asked her to lead them out of the woods. Her reply was “That I cannot do, but I can point out the ways that lead further into the thicket and after that let us try to find the way together.”
    Finally, before setting sail to that great unknown your ship must have a firm foundation composed of rules, regulations, borders and boundaries that not only allow you to chart a safe course, but to impose barriers against setting courses to places or on paths that for previous Captains have not been fruitful destinations.
    Sincerely,
    Dr. Dan
    Your nemesis 🙂
    A Simple Man trying to survive in a Complex World.


  12. I love you. Always. You’re a dear and distant and a complete stranger of a friend and confidant.


  13. http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/311107.John_Eliot


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