BLOG » #FBF: a post i wrote months ago, but seems relevant again now, more so than ever – ‘things to keep you from killing yourself’

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In lieu of Robin Williams suicide and a beautiful friend of mine’s 15yo little brother passing away on the same day… i’d like to post something i wrote several months back. originally it was titled ‘things to keep you from killing yourself’. now, with everything that’s just happened, that title sounds a bit harsh… but i think it might help with those who are struggling. really it was written as a reminder to myself. 

things to keep you from killing yourself: 

if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold – after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

call me any wed at 9pm pst during ‘boycrazy radio’ if you need a pep talk or a friend (646) 378-0649 / i’ll serve as a big sister who listens, distracts you, and offers advice.

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi


2 Responses to “#FBF: a post i wrote months ago, but seems relevant again now, more so than ever – ‘things to keep you from killing yourself’”

  1. A contribution to Alexi Wasser’s Therapy Journal.
    Aberrant and/or Bizarre Ideations results in
    Chaos and Confusion via
    Delusions and/or Hallucinations that lead to
    Life goals that are illusions

    The feeling among mental health professionals is that there is a lot more to the Robin William’s suicide, but I am not writing this to contribute to the conjecture regarding the matter. As far as I am concerned the Jury is still out.

    There are depressions so deep and dark that when at their worst the remedies mentioned above will do little to mitigate the suffering. It is not a pain, it is a miserable suffering the uninitiated can never fathom. From my experience the emotional trigger that takes the innocent down this slippery slope into the black hole are two factors, aloneness and/or loneliness. There is a difference between the two. Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Aloneness is the state of being alone or kept apart from others or not having others of similar background and thought to communicate with.
    Patient’s have described the extent and degree of their severe impairment in functioning in the following way. Ceaseless recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, frequent routine physical complaints, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, pessimism and personal failure. patient’s also describe tension and apprehension, disruptions in not only though processes, but sleep as well; rumination and worry, physical signs of depression, unhappiness, irrational fears, compulsiveness or rigidity; feeling quite withdrawn and isolated, feeling estranged from people around them; little hope that their circumstances will improve to any significant degree. Also, combined with what was aforementioned before with impaired judgment you have a recipe for self harm. On top of this these features are often associated with an active psychotic episode, with poor judgment and impairments in perceptual reality are hallmark characteristics.
    Now! What should you do?

    (1) Drive yourself or have someone drive you to the nearest emergency room and tell them that you are having suicidal thoughts.

    (2) Call 911 and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and send an ambulance and if you really want to bring the cavalry to the rescue have them send the coppers and declare you a 5150. Heck!, ambulance and/or squad car your taxes pay for this support system so give these public service people something to do and exploit them as a resource.

    (3) After you are stabilized and if you are alone and/or lonely. Do the one important thing Alexandra Celine Wasser has done, but fails to mention in her diatribe, get a furry friend (cat or dog), but it has to be a mammal (reptiles can’t connect with people), yep that includes iguanas. Having another life form that provides emotional support, unconditional love, anticipates your company and support, provides an emotional and psychological safety switch from wanting to pull the handle on the ejector seat or pulling the trigger. You do not have to pay $350-$400 for a pet either. I pulled a 6 week old tabby kitten out of a Sizzler’s dumpster and with a stroke of Captain Obvious I named him “Tiger”. He was my best buddy and sidekick throughout 20 years of toils, troubles, trials and tribulations.

    With Sentiments of Respect,
    Meow Meow Bark Bark 🙂
    A Simple Man trying to Survive in a Complex World.

    Dr. Dan 🙂


  2. Thank you for this. It’s what I needed


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