BLOG » one man’s theory on the difference between what men & women want from eachother:

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me: will you tell me your theory about what women want vs what men want? i thought it was so interesting.

him: men want the vulnerability of what their mother’s gave them. a safe place where all mistakes are forgiven and all burdens are shared if not taken away completely. it’s messed up because women want the strength their fathers gave (or didn’t give) them. they don’t want a boy who is vulnerable, they want a man who will take care of shit the way their father did. they want their man to carry it all on the inside so that they feel safe and protected, the way their father’s made them feel (hopefully). so therefore, a man never gets what he naturally wants. he has to play a part. i worked all this out when i had a daughter and realized how unconditional my love was for her, and then i realized that she would be seeking that forever… from boys who just want a shoulder to cry on. just watch madmen. the writing on that show is so real to me. such a great character. men love that show because they see a lot of themselves in his character; the same way women did with sex & the city and those four characters. you know, the era of the show, the 60’s or whatever and the cute throwback moments are just icing on the cake. the real genius is in the complexity of his character. men really were never portrayed as that complex before. don’t you think?

do you agree or disagree with this? please respond in the comments section below. i’m dying to hear your thoughts! xx

 


9 Responses to “one man’s theory on the difference between what men & women want from eachother:”

  1. He’s right. I don’t watch Mad Men as much as I watch Don Draper. There’s never been a character a related to as closely, and I’m only 24 and live in South Los Angeles. It’s a transcendent portrayal of all us “lost boys” who try and try and try again to be things that we are naturally not. I know how to be what girls want and in that respect, I have had success attaining their affections. It is when I am explicitly honest and vulnerable that I encounter roadblocks, a notion which baffled me until now. I maintain, that most women want, a good guy… with edge.


  2. DISAGREE.

    I actually really, really love it when the man I love shows vulnerability and seeks reassurance in me, it makes ME feel really strong and valued that he’s capable of trusting me so much. I’m a woman and having someone who gives me “a safe place where all mistakes are forgiven and all burdens are shared” sounds pretty ideal. Does that mean my father was feminine? And the whole “man who takes care of shit” thing. I have NO idea what that means. And I have a great dad. Additionally, I have two sisters and we all seek radically different qualities in the men we date, but we have the same parents.

    Def feel like there are different factors, whether they be biological or societal, that cause men and women to seek different things in relationships, but i also feel like this is a really dead end thing to try and draw conclusions from. Because it all just kind of leads to accepting behaviors from your partner that you’re really not ok with because you can conveniently reduce your problems to gender and that’s dangerous and icky. Rather than saying Female Moms and Male Dads do such and such and that’s why all of our relationships fail, I think it makes more sense to say I was raised to communicate differently than my boyfriend, I was raised to value different things than my boyfriend does, my family was dysfunctional in a different way than my boyfriend’s was and all of these things will have huge impacts on our needs and how we treat each other.

    Also, Sex & the City is the worst. I probably know more women who identify with Don Draper than Carrie Bradshaw.


  3. This idea is very interesting and I agree to a certain extent. My father was absent most of my childhood so I tend to gravitate towards men who can offer support, protection, stability and guidance — basic needs my father never satisfied. But I know I must also offer those things to the man I’m with, and I don’t expect him to take on the world alone. I’ve also found that men begin falling deeply in love when they realize they can be open, vulnerable, sincere and feel unconditionally loved and protected also. It’s just human nature to want to feel safe and loved. I don’t think men need to assume a certain role that compromises their own needs — I would guess only a small percentage of women are turned off by vulnerability or sensitivity. In fact, strong connections between individuals are built upon these things. Openness, reciprocation of support and mutual acceptance are key factors in the dynamics of healthy, long-lasting relationships. I believe both partners must show both sides of themselves honestly (their strengths and weaknesses) to achieve a deep relationship that brings mutual satisfaction. I don’t think our needs really stem from the nature of our biological sex, but the gender roles society pressures us to conform to. From an early age, men are taught to be the strong ones, to suppress their emotions, that they will eventually provide for their family. We are still influenced by the traditions and stereotypes of long ago. Times have changed, and no one should feel they have to fulfill a certain role because of their sex, especially if it means jeopardizing their own happiness. I think we both ultimately want the same things out of our relationships (love, support, trust, understanding etc.), perhaps the difference between us is in the way we communicate these needs and how we interpret society’s expectations of us as men and women.


  4. Oh, come on Alexi, you have to break free from that Freudian stuff; I was only seven for one year of my life and unless I went through a traumatic event that one year isn’t going to be the motivation behind the next forty years of my life.

    As a man who has been in relationships and has actually had the luxury of connecting back as friends with former lovers I can tell you what men want from women and what women want from men. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is for men in their thirties to reconnect to women they dated in High School and in early twenties not for a relationship–especially not a relationship–but just to get feedback on how you were, who you became, what you weren’t and what your former lovers think you should have been–not to say you have to agree but it’s just feedback.

    First, what do men want? Simple, not their Mom or their Sister(s). What does that mean? That means your Mom and your Sister(s) will always, always, always be there for you to Mother you and help you lick your wounds. In other words, they will always be there for you if you need to make a Freudian regress. So, you do not need or want that in a lover; she will never, ever be able to do that more than anyone who has known you all your life so it is a lost cause in futility and just making a women feel unnecessarily inadequate.

    So…what is not your Mother? Your Mother was the one to keep you safe, eat the vegetables, and tell you not to do the bad things, what a man wants is a woman who loves to do the bad things with with him. In other words, the woman who says, “screw the vegetables lets have fun.” Hence, why a Mother will always hate her daughter-in-law. None of it is rooted in Freudian or Geek Logic of Anthropological biology but in common sense; Mom took care of you until you were eighteen the cute girl you grew up with, who your Mom hated, always got you into trouble…and that is why she was so much fun to hang out with and why you had a crush on her.

    Ahhhhhh…I can keep writing but why try? This is all going to fall on deaf ears (I don’t mean yours because you have grown and you do listen to the world as the writer that you are but on your male readers who are going to insist women have something to with video games forgetting that Mom bought you that so that you would get away from the fun and troublesome girl down the street) =)

    I will write, I will write that women want fundamentally the same thing. However, it’s always the woman who gets the man in trouble with his mother and man always, always, always trying to live up to the expectation that her father has who also doesn’t understand why she hangs out with this kid who keeps getting into trouble; they are having fun. The only tricky part is when you want to settle down then things have to get serious…but I never want to settle down so I don’t know what that is like…I suspect it involves becoming the concept of a Father and her the concept of a Mother not to each other but to our children while still keeping the sparks alive between us by getting in trouble every now and then.


  5. Here is a post I wrote a long time ago on City-Data talking shit about BS shows like Mad Men…thought I would include it as well since you wrote you would love to hear our thoughts and I take that very personally:

    I like this question. I see nostalgia as a purely subjective interpretation of someone’s individual past. By that, I mean it is probably a truthful interpretation of their past but a very particular and subjective one.

    For example, I’m not picking on anyone, but a poster commented about their experience in the forties and fifties with fond nostalgia. However, objectively speaking someone who was black probably would not relate to that nostalgia i.e. the realities of jim crow, racism, and everything else in that age. Another example, so that it is not interpreted that I’m just being race based in this case, a white person in Manhattan, or the steel mills, or the coal mines, or the rail road company probably would not relate to that nostalgia either. To better reinforce my argument Steinbeck, Fitzgerald, Heminway would probably not relate to that nostalgia. Again, I’m not indicating it’s untrue. No. It’s that one individual’s truth.

    Now, the problem I sometimes have with contemporary media is creating a false sense of nostalgia. I have never watched the series but I loath it on principle alone. I’m writing about Mad Men. It purports to take place in the sixties and the sort of weird sense I get from men who watch it is that the time was a better place for men. A false nostalgia. Any time I hear that, I always ask the guy to have a long conversation with their grandfather. Chances are he didn’t work on Wall Street or what have you. The truth is there are systemic reasons who was not on Wall Street. I would appreciate a show like that only if it showed the reality of everyone’s experience at the time without a Derk Draper or whatever that guy is called. Because chances are if you were on Wall Street, you didn’t look like him.

    As an Aside: I went to college in Manhattan during the time Friends was on there. I never watched Friends really except for a few episodes. And I remember thinking it took place in something like Seattle until a friend corrected me and indicated that it took place in Manhattan. Having lived in Manhattan it didn’t make any sense to me how a group of men without high paying jobs could afford two bedroom apartment and how three women without high paying jobs can afford would could probably pass as a penthouse. I also was boggled by the fact that were no Puerto Ricans, Black People, Chinese People, Russians, Italians, Jewish People and a lot of other glaring elements of New York in the Vanilla world they created.

    Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/philosophy/2126469-nostalgias-not-what-used-marriage-nature.html#ixzz3KbopIENp


  6. I am a single man so I do not have a happy girlfriend to prove know What Women Want, but your male’s talk about the man who is Don Draper makes me want to say that your male source here is not a man with whom I want to be kicking it. I will not speak for all men, but I want a woman who is available, likes to read, shows elegant, subtle, and playful dress, can be fine without me but wants to be with me and thinks of surprises for me when we meet up and I have surprises for her too. You should talk to me instead of this man.


  7. On the outset I can see what he’s saying. But if you’ve ever driven a woman crazy, truly in love, mad. You know that all that she wants is to stay that way and will not focus so much on the typical male role. Of course in order to sustain the love you will need to protect and earn.


  8. I disagree his theory is retroactive and Freudian lets all agree then that man just wants to fuck his mother and a woman her father, right? No! That’s disgusting .. Especially now days in our excessive American hyper futuristic conditions any individual can find virtually whatever they want with the power of the Internet A man or a woman want a partner who they can live with without murdering the other it seems simple but it is incredibly complicated and every man or woman’s wants are individual preferences that should certainly not be assumed but discovered through time spent and genuine care for eachother .. If two people don’t genuinely care for eachothers well beings you can’t even begin to satisfy individuals needs or wants … What are wants anywYs ? You can always live without something you want .. The question is what does a man or woman need ? My theory is that man wants a woman and a woman wants aman simple as that .. Everything else is static noise .. Shit even that’s not a complete theory cuz men want men and women want women too … His theory is corny and shallow

    Personally all I want is a girl who won’t leave me if I might have accidentally shit myself while were hanging out and I thought I had to fart.. My mom would certainly leave me if that happened


  9. I couldn’t identify more with this post. My boyfriend is a lawyer, so has lots of stress in his days; at the office, he needs to show that he is mentally and emotionally strong – therefore shows near to no emotion at all at work (almost like a robot). But at home and around me, he is like a teddy bear. Sometimes I just want him to cry and let it all out, like his emotional girlfriend 😉 He lays in my arms while we watch movies, and more. Men long for that maternal care and affection their mothers once showed them. And, I’m okay with that.

    -L


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