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so once again, i’m going through a break up. this one is different though, and i’ll tell you why: this relationship wasn’t one i was done with. for me, there was so much more to do and experience with him. before i go any further, my ego is demanding i mention that i wasn’t broken up with. no, it was my decision. it could have continued how it was going: long distance. but it wasn’t working for me anymore. it was becoming too disruptive to my life, but i would have continued had there been a plan or a promise of something changing in the future. but this was not the case. and so, in an attempt to protect and take care of myself and be an adult, recognizing something being ‘off’ and not ignoring the red flags… i had to walk away. it’s not easy, and it’s painful and it’s soul crushing. but, now i have to remind myself of how to be on my own again. how to be single again. how to be happy and ‘ok’ with that again. one thing i know is that i’m gonna try it a new way this time. and i’ll tell you what that means in a moment.

i have nothing bad to say about my most recent boyfriend. he is a magical, kind being. quite possibly the kindest, most precious, gentle guy i’ve ever known. but for reasons i’ll keep to myself, which i’ve already blabbed about enough with him, my best friends, my therapist, my mom, and my podcast listeners – it can’t be. i want to say ‘it cant be, right now.’ but that would mean i’m holding onto false hope. and i don’t want to expect anything. i’d rather be happily surprised if  it works out in the future.

i’m mourning the death of my relationship with my best friend. someone i’ve become addicted to and used as a grounding source.

when i say, i’ll be trying it (single life) a new way in the future, i mean this: i will be very particular and choosy and protective of myself. i won’t give myself away so easily to men who put their attention on me. not at all. it’s as if during the experience of this relationship i grew up and learned to treasure/respect myself more. this person i loved and will always love (even if i do experience pangs of feeling extremely let down & disappointed by him cuz he didn’t have it in him to go the extra mile and take a chance to see how far we could take the potential of this really special relationship) treated me beautifully. he made me coffee in the morning, has strong morals, made me feel undeniably safe in the sense that he would never cheat, respects women, is thoughtful, kind, sent me flowers, held the door, we were vulnerable together, we sung songs, i forced him out of his shell, etc. we had so much fun together – no matter what we did, or where we traveled. holding hands walking down the street in silence. it all felt like we were in our own bubble. it has never stopped feeling that way. all the way up to the day i last said goodbye to him, watching him leave my apartment.

and even though he is essentially unavailable, i know he loved me as much as he could love anyone. i know this. and now i value myself so much more after being treated so beautifully. i can only hope to find someone as kind, and talented, and thoughtful, and interesting, and fascinating, and beautiful to me as i did him. so if nothing else, while i cry and mourn the death of this magical exciting experience i had… i’m very thankful to have had it.

8 Responses to “thankful to have had it…”

  1. you did the right thing. and it’s a great thing that you wrote about it so succinctly. it will help others. sorry it was and is so hard though. 🙂

  2. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do. Something like this happened with me a few weeks ago, but i wasn’t in a relationship, i was just hooking up with my best friend, what should be just a one night stand, for fun, turned out to 4 months of hooking up (without commitment). We both felt like we were accommodated to this “relationship”, and decided that we should stop hooking up, because someone would probably get hurt in the end (and i know that it would be me), but anyway, i got really sad and cried, but now it’s ok. I’m also very thankful to have had it, it was a growth experience.

  3. Having only been aware of your existence for a short while, it’s a little astonishing how admirable I find u to be. remarkable. you must be a very strong person/woman. how else, then, could one up and choose to magnanimously skate, walk away from, a situation of such POWER and beauty. your obstinate approach and sojourn to the abovementioned ‘single-life’. Albeit I am younger(23) and much much much less experienced than you, I have the remote fear that my day for being the one whom must break-it-off, will come. I think you’re very brave. it takes one to know one but having not yet been in this situation makes your words simply inspiring.

    In the event I give you too much credit, after all, I don’t really know anything about you, aside from this verily dope pathos you’ve produced and eyes that look as though they could freeze ones soul and melt it in the same instance. was that a fire line? or just some crazy shit to tell somebody? Anyway, i like the way you think. I am a fan. So if I’m just letting the words speak for themselves I may conclude you are wonderful in the most iridescent way :b

    Upon discovering you, via a Tyler, The Creator interview,(he’s my favorite) I followed you on twitter. @kiernonm I tweeted u expressing appreciation for some stuff. You *favorited* them so at least I know you saw it 🙂 and I think that’s cool.

  4. Thank you for this alexi piece, I am going through something similar. im having a falling out with a kind and thoughtful guy who showed me how valuable i am how much he cared for me. But he wont break out of this shell (intimacy issues) and im not patient enough nor do i have the assurance that we can get passed this and explore a greater relationship. It is hard to let go knowing if we both wanted it could work out. It is almost frightening when you can connect with someone so deeply and build so much for it all to diminish. sad girls club

  5. this is everything. i went through a very similar situation this summer. it has taken me so long to get over it (and I’m still not) even though i was the one who ended it. stay strong <3

  6. I went through something really similar and am still struggling with it. I met an incredible guy over the summer that made me feel like I was in a dream constantly. He treated me wonderfully and when I was around him I was so at peace I didn’t think of anything else. It was just like heaven. But then the summer ended and I had to go back to school out of state. Even though we wanted to be together, it didn’t feel like we had any real foundations for our relationship (since I had only been with him for a month) and I saw no guaranteed end date to the distance, so I let him go. He had claimed he was in love, and I said it too, but I honestly don’t know if I could truly love someone I knew for such a short amount of time. The feelings were all there and I wanted to believe in it, but I didn’t have the security. Relationships are about a lot more than just love to me. But I know exactly what you mean when you say you weren’t done with him and still had so much you wanted to do with him. That haunts me every day because I miss him terribly, but I know deep down that we can’t give each other what we need in a relationship right now. I’m considering reaching out to him when I go home for break but I don’t know what I’d expect to accomplish from that when the circumstances haven’t changed…

  7. Beautiful, Alexi. It takes so much strength to recognize that inner value, and how we want it to relate to that special person.

    I’m facing an imminent long-distance situation myself. On the one hand trying to not have this be a self-fulfilling thing where I think it doesn’t work, and so it doesn’t. On the other, worried that holding out for him across the miles is going to be destructive to me…

    You’re brave, and I respect you’ve put yourself and your thoughts and feelings out here.

  8. Ms. Wasser it’s been a while since I perused your sight but it seems like you’ve gone from, “boy crazy,” to, “relationship crazy,” which is a good thing. I think that statement is witty but now I realize that it’s actually sarcasm so forgive me; I’ll analyze it with my therapist next session, “do I hate Alexi Wasser or do I hate my mother or is Alexis Wasser my biological mother.” Again, I truly believe I’m being funny but now I realize that I am not and you are truly funny and thoughtful and maybe that is the issue…who knows…who cares…it’s not like I’m going to marry you some day.

    As for me, I thought I would chime in with my own experience with a break up I went through last year of a relationship that lasted six months. Contrary to life long experience, I broke up with her…and it was more painful than being broken up with…the beauty of being broken up with after the first one is that you see the writing on the wall (or at least I do) so you brace yourself and expect it. The tough part about breaking up with someone is not having the art of writing it on the wall for them so that something you have been ruminating over for the tail end of the relationship comes as a surprise and she is crushed…that is painful…to her it was abrupt and out of nowhere but for me it was a tough decision in the making until finally it was the only obvious decision.

    Is there such a thing as rebounding after breaking up with someone. Yes. Was I tempted to rebound. Yes. Did I? No. Have I been in a relationship since then? No. Sort of…well…yes…well…I just caught myself lying to myself…I guess I did rebound now that I think about it. Well, the point is to learn from my mistakes. Just because you broke up with him doesn’t you aren’t vulnerable right now…I would argue you are more vulnerable than you were had he broken up with you…at least you would have a cooling off period where you hate the opposite sex to protect you…

    Keep on writing! We’ll keep on reading. Who knows maybe you will find your soul mate and when you do we can hear his perspective of you on your blog.


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