BLOG » bad communication vs. two people in love:

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i wote this a while ago after a fight that began as an attempt to fix a previous fight in a string of many fights:

i apologized. i was nice. i was the adult version of me, i made a conscious  effort to be.  i was silly, i was loving. and i didn’t mean anything bad… at all. i promise. i wasn’t in a hissy fit. i changed the subject. i talked about stuff other than ‘us’ or ‘fighting’. i was trying to show him. i was trying to get back on track.

we’d just been through the worst weekend trip ever. our relationship was long distance and we were making it work. haven’t having seen each other in 17 days, we were having a quick 48 hour visit. those are a lot of pressure. cuz you want it to go well. you have high expectations. and there’s no real-time for error. this trip didn’t go well. it started on a bad foot, thanks to my insecurities. you wanna know what i did? i shouldn’t tell you. i should save face. but i’ll tell you. i got pissed at him because a girl i cannot STAND and is known to be TROUBLE followed him on instagram. but that’s not why i went ballistic. i went ballistic cuz he followed her BACK. i’m not proud of this behavior, but i’m sure my honesty is appreciated and my behavior (however lame) is relatable. this petty, completely unneccessary fight that i started took us on a mutual journey to a million other arguments about issues we have. realer issues. or i should say, REAL issued. our main issue being not hearing each other, making up our own narratives, getting defensive, and just being bad at communicating. or more specifically: we communicate in different ways. in hind sight, our MAIN MAIN MAIN issue being the long distance, the pressure of quick visits, his emotional unavailability and my trust/deep-rooted daddy issues… but back to the story.

i went home. and it stung. it was heavy. i felt relieved to be home, but so lonely. i felt like i’d just lived a nightmare. it was over? already?! what the fuck just happened? a bad 48 hours, and that’s it? was it ruined? but i loved him. and that doesn’t happen all the time. it’s rare. for me anyway.

i could feel this was about more than just the bad 48hrs; it was the culmination of every fight we’ve ever had. he’d hit his limit. and i had too. could this be fixed? if i just acted nice and cool the next time i saw him, would it erase this horrible blip? if i stopped trying to ruin it; if i stopped getting defensive, if i dropped it, if i was just lighter- could we be okay? i loved so many things about him. i was willing to just start fresh the next time i saw him. i wasn’t sure if he was.

the next day we spoke. for two hours. i was calm. i apologized. i wanted to make it better, i swear.

in my heart- my only intention/the only things i wanted him to know were these: i love him, i want him to move to la because i love him so much, i would marry him if he wanted me to, i would have a child with him,

i just love him and want him to be happy and i want him to live with me in los angeles. only good things.

how this hopeful conversation turned bad, i don’t know. but it did.

so now, while he’s at his house, far away from me. and i’m at mine… the thing that worries me most is our problem communicating.

if all i meant/was trying to express to him/ had in my heart was that i  want him with me, that i love him and i’m sorry… how did he still end up taking me the worst way, and sounding exhausted by me when i tried my hardest to make it clear i didn’t mean anything bad at all, and apologized profusely?

are the wounds of our weekend fight still too fresh and that’s what this is about? or will we always have miscommunications that turn into two people hurt and exhausted?

tonight, i tried to tell him he’s the love of my life… but i was terrified and way too shy. but i tried. i think i actually even told him. so how did this phone call go bad? i guess he couldn’t hear my apologies or he needs more time to believe them. if he ever does.

i love him so much, but he didn’t hear me.

but i guess i deserve that, because he loved me and i couldn’t hear him either. i swear, we’ve been on the same page at the same time sometimes. i swear.

could we overcome our bad communication? could love be stronger than that?

and as for this journal entry: i hope he doesn’t view it as an attack. and instead see’s it as the love letter it’s meant to be.


6 Responses to “bad communication vs. two people in love:”

  1. That’s the crux of it. Good in you for trying. Good luck.


  2. Hi Alexi, I have been following your blog for a few years now, and it has helped me a lot, especially when I was single – to remind me that I’m worth more, and how to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally.

    I have also been in a long distance relationship myself, twice – once for 2 year that was a stretched out disaster, and another one for the first 2 years and we have been together happily or 5 years now. So I really understand how tough it is being apart, how stressful it is, the pressure to want it all to be perfect when you meet again. And that all that feelings together can really make you feel like you’re going crazy. At least ti was so for me.

    The first ldr I had, it was a disaster. I was insecure, paranoid about who my ex was meeting every weekend, who he talked to, and I wanted him to move to my city, desperately, very early on.

    My boyfriend now, I have learnt to chill abit. I understand that guys don’t like to feel “rushed” and that it leads to nothing, so I never mentioned anything about moving whatsoever. What shocked me is that he brought it up very early on, and although it took 2 years for us to finally be in the same place, the promise that he will move made it a lot easier to tide through that period.

    I understand that when you spoke to your boyfriend and tried to make up, it was with good intention. However, if what you’re saying is move to LA, I will marry you and have your child etc… perhaps in a way it could be conceived as pressurising. Maybe a guy would think, what do I have to be the one moving then, why can’t you move. Aren’t we both equal in a relationship, or do men always have to give in to women.

    I actually spoke to my partner sometime back and asked if he would have moved if I asked him early on, and he actually said. He wanted to move because he wanted to do it for me, and not because I “wanted” or “needed” him too… So maybe take a different approach? Give both parties in the room a little bit more room and try to see how your requests could be perceived from your boyfriend’s point of view?

    I really wish you all the best and hope things work out for you in the best possible way, and as hard as it is, try to enjoy all the bittersweetness of the long distance, as it WILL end someday, hopefully in a reunion! Have a merry christmas and a happy new year! x


  3. this is an old post. they broke up. listen to alexi’s podcast. he lived in the woods. she couldnt move. he implied he would. and he’s a weirdo who’s old and practically 40. he should have moved. listen to her podcast. she’ll have a new bf in a minute. he blew it.


  4. This is so relatable. You’re the coolest.


  5. so reading you for he first time
    I have been dating a girl for 9 months I knew from the moment I saw her I would fall in love and that it would ruin everything. the first two months were spectacular then it happen I fell she started to run. but we had decided to get an apartment together and she though we would be ok. it got worse we became like married people. she had some secrets and I knew she was hiding something so I started to search for the reasons. she started to think I was clingy. our communication started to fail. things were up and down for months. then I started to confront her with things she was caught thinking about cheating and we stated to talk. we it was hard we became honest with each other. then things felt better. it was a small change but better. then some thing happened . she had just been tested for her annual check up and std test and was clean. we had a couple of time were the condom had broken during sex and I think she worried that she might have gotten something. but suddenly we had sex one evening and we did not use protection, the sex was more spontaneous and better than in a while. we still had a couple of fights because I would not talk when something was wrong. she knew because I could not hide it. Then I learned to talk I started a fight just to tell her I had a problem and she was mad but then I said I did this to talk so that I would no avoid this and have a bad day I just wanted it out in the open. she realized this was a change in me and wow we talked and talked. suddenly we were back were we started in our relationship we talked, we trusted, we made love and it was the best in my life. I am in love she knows it and she is not scared she is not running. we talk and talk about sex and love and war. and I can’t wait to be with her I am away for a few days but she is on my mind and I love her unconditionally honestly for the first time in my life


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