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i don’t know what it is. is it a sign of the times? whatever it is, i tend to feel perpetually unsatisfied.

am i alone in this?

it’s funny, if i didn’t set such high, specific goals for myself, maybe i wouldn’t feel this way.  maybe i’d be satisfied. but being ‘satisfied’ sounds horrible too. satisfaction sounds like giving up. like getting fat, wearing sweat pants, & watching television… forever. like settling.

but as long as i haven’t met my self-imposed goals, i feel like a failure. i feel incomplete. i feel ‘less than’. and i’m sure as hell not grateful for all that i DO have. as it is: life is great. i am a white girl with bangs in los angeles. aside from getting the least serious form of cancer when i was in my early twenties (thyroid) and being emotionally & physically abused by my parents (hitting, not molesting – but geeze, what was wrong with me? not pretty enough? jkjk)… i have a good life. i’ve always made a living all on my own. i don’t have a rich family to fall back on, so i’ve never had help or a safety net. and i would never think to ask anyone for help.

but i want a lot for myself. i’m not sure if accomplishing those things will even make me happy, but right now, i believe it will… so that’s what i strive for. and if i get those things, and they don’t bring me happiness, i will go from there. yes, i know you’re supposed to be happy with yourself first because no person or thing can complete you or fill a hole inside you. well, except my vaginal hole- but you know what i mean. anyways… for the most part i am happy. but when i am quiet and still; when i am just meant to co exist and be calm with another –  it’s hard for me. being in a partnership when i am unsatisfied with myself and terrified of potentially NEVER realizing my goals makes me take it out on my partner –  which makes me feel as though i’m better off being alone until i realize my dreams. but that might never happen and then i will be alone forever. i need to learn to co-exist with someone no matter what i’m experiencing. don’t i? idk. i’m so rigid and controlled, and can be really stubborn and a know it all. i even constantly question what type of man i’m most supposed to be with- even when i’m WITH a good one. like a lot of girls, i’m chasing a ghost. someone who may not even exist. this scares me. do i take the imperfect, interesting beauty life places in front of me, and realize that that’s what life is… or do i get caught up in my head and say: i should be this, my life should be that, i should be with the type of man who is a, b, or c. even though i’ve yet to meet that phantom man, or even gel with/be interested in him if i HAVE met him.

aren’t all the answers in me? don’t i control my life’s path? if i need / want to accomplish shit, isn’t that all on me? does it matter who i’m with? will i always be unsatisfied? is this the state of the nation – and by nation, i mean privileged people with no real problems? how dare you. it’s all relative. if you have the time to read a blog or instagram, you can relate to me, possibly. but really, is this feeling of perpetual dissatisfaction a sign of the times? does everything move too fast? do we have too many choices at our fingertips? are we comparing ourselves too much because we have the outlets to watch other people brag and showcase their ‘perfect’ exciting lives… even though, behind closed doors, they’re probably suicidal?

i wonder if there’s more. i’ve been listening to radio shows lately that feature a guy named james van praagh, who says we are all just souls who inhabit a body and we never really die. there is no such thing as dying in fact, we just leave the bodies we inhabit. we leave these space suits. and we are here on this earth because we chose to be; to learn a lesson. sometimes i wonder what my lesson is to learn while i’m here. i don’t meditate. i don’t like yoga- sometimes i do, but for the most part i don’t. i like long quiet walks while i people watch and think thoughts and am in my head. i’ve heard this is a type of walking meditation. i’m a searcher. be it with my writing, via therapy, books, psychics, shamans, clairvoyants, tarot, conversations with strangers young & old, etc. i want to know what’s gonna happen, i want to learn from people, i want to know it’s all gonna be ok, i want to make a dent in this lifetime, i want to be seen and be helpful and be recognized for making a positive difference, i want to make people laugh. i want to feel connected. i want to feel like i belong. i want a lot.

i guess i have to find the happy medium of enjoying life, being happy, being grateful, being in the moment, working, and resting – so i can appreciate the special and amazing things that happen, while always simultaneously continuing to strive for more so i grow and feel like i’m learning something, becoming better, contributing something not even intentionally, just via my trying to understand more and go deeper and because i like what i’m doing. and appreciating the moments as they happen. not always living in the future. a future that might never happen.

i have to stop with the “i’ll be happy when that happens.” “when THAT happens, then i’ll feel like i can have fun/take a trip/do that thing/breathe/feel worthy of existing/feel like i’m good enough/bring something to the table/am no longer invisible/am allowed to exist.”

i’m realizing that it’s the process of being ‘in the doing’ and making of things that brings happiness. building a life and collecting stories that makes for an emotionally satisfying full life experience. a rich life. a fulfilling life. a higher quality of life. i’m even gonna get a cat so i have to put my attention on another living thing outside of myself, so i stop being so self-centered and selfish. i’m gonna go out-of-town without being filled with fear that i might miss a job or people might get mad at me. i’m gonna ground myself. i’m gonna have self-worth. i’m striving for more. a higher quality of life.

this perpetual dissatisfaction is a surefire recipe for depression. and it has to stop. i get so trapped in my head, spiral downward and am missing out on what could be a great life because of all my doom and gloom. things that help me get out of my head are listening to music all the time. listening to it loud. taking baths. taking pride in how i put myself together before i leave the house, and throwing myself into writing/work, always having a book to read or listen to; always be learning and discovering things: be it music, art, people, designers, writers, etc. being inspired or to inspire. be nice. talk to strangers… but not too much and not ALL the time. having boundaries is important & being conscious of the energy you expend on people and things that aren’t good for you or who are not worth your time & could suck you in and drain you.

that list was for me. but it’s for you too if you need it.

i’m just trying to be satisfied.

or at least live somewhere in between satisfied and unsatisfied.

love, alexi


7 Responses to “perpetually unsatisfied:”

  1. I hear a lot of fear here. A lot of want. Yet a lot of courage. Something in you is crying out for nurturing, for sustenance. Assuage that. Ultimately, there’s a whole gang of us in the same boat. The key: Don’t drown.

  2. There will always be something to do, my lady;
    There will always be wrongs to right;
    There will always be need for a womanly breed
    And courageous women unafraid to fight.
    There will always be honor to guard, my lady;
    There will always be hills to climb,
    And tasks to do, and battles anew
    From now till the end of time.
    There will always be dangers to face, my lady
    There will always be perpetual goals to take;
    Women will forever be tried, when the road divides,
    And proved by the choices they make.
    There will always be burdens of regret, my lady
    There will always be need to pray;
    There will always be tears through the future years,
    As loved ones are fade away.
    There will always be goals to pursue, my lady
    And always the unreachable dreams above;
    They shall hound you until your life is through
    For passion, strength and love.
    So these are things that Alexi dreams, and aches her so;
    And have dreamed since your troubled life began not
    so long ago.
    That whatever befalls, when your world calls.
    You will find Dr. Dan did not lie,
    Alas, this is the reason you are forever unsatisfied.

  3. you have to live your life and make sure that whatever you do, it is by your heart’s choice… authentically… because YOU want to do it. not because it will make for a great blog post, or a radio show, or a social media post…. whatever it is, make choices based on what it is that feeds your soul in that very moment. If it’s walking alone, reading a great book, hanging with good friends, laughing uncontrollably at your favorite improv group… whatever… and also do things with purpose. Anything you do for you is going to benefit your work, your career… everything. But if you aimlessly do things, hopping from one great feeling to the next, with no direction or purpose in mind, you have no way of seeing the benefit and it feels empty and aimless. If this is your year of feeding your soul, then that is your purpose. If it is about a big project you’ve wanted to produce, then make it so… but still only do things that feed your soul and will still achieve your goals. And choose wisely those people whom you bestow the gift of your time on. Don’t just throw it around wildly. Your time is a gift to others… spend wisely. Only those who nurture, uplift, and treat you as the treasure you are, should your time be spent on…. That’s about it I think… 🙂

  4. I love this article. I have read it a few times now.. often when I am having a freak out about the direction of my own life..which is almost always. I have also sent it to a friend when she described similar feelings to my own. I think the idea of ‘too many choices’ is interesting as personally I feel overwhelmed with choices and directions to take even when I am in a seemingly ‘settled’ situation or when I have a very particular goal to achieve ie. getting my degree etc (which I know at the time is the sensible ‘path’ to stay on if you know what I mean). I am constantly planning a way out to a different place/city/job where I will finally be able to live happily and achieve my goals. I should be thankful that I have so many choices in life and that I am still young and have not yet settled for one career or boyfriend although all I think about and focus on in a relationship is that I have not met anybody who shares in my ambitions to move somewhere different or travel or to experience different things. I always feel as if I am on a different page to the person I am going out with. I have tried to just ‘go for what I want’ which inevitably ended in a break-up. His reasoning was ‘What is the point if you’re there doing this and I’m here. Love isn’t enough’. I have also tried to let go and move along at someone else’s pace ie. to move in with someone in a place that I don’t like, to open my mind to things that he enjoys doing. In this case I simply felt as if I didn’t have a voice anymore and what I ultimately wanted was independence. I thought that I was wasting time doing things that weren’t helping me to achieve my own goals(so selfish, I know). I find it so hard to be ‘in the doing’ or to just BE, as you describe. As a result I don’t have many friends even though I am desperately lonely! But this doom and gloom is such a vicious cirle!! I wish I could just take things for what they are but my mind is constantly racing and analysing everything. As you have mentioned, I also think its important to sustain relationships while also quietly pursuing ones own goals as I think this will ultimately make me more sure of myself and of what I really want. And also to let other people in and to shape me too..Anyway..thanks for this article, your advice in general and for the list above- it helps me a lot. Lots of love xx

  5. What can I say, this really hits the nail on the head.I can relate to this article so deeply that it scares me but in a good way. Its nice to know that these experiences are part of the human condition in some way or another. I suffer from a concept known as “temporary satisfaction”. The things that reel you in for a time and then the fascination wears off and I’m back to the search for something new to satisfy me. The thing is that I know my problems are rooted in my perfectionistic personality. Shifting my habits and quieting my inner perfectionist mind, will for sure give me more in the way of happiness. But the fear of letting go is HARD. We live in a time where the possibilities are endless and we have less constraint on where we will end up. Which is brilliant! How lucky we are! At the same time, this can really screw us over when we face the overwhelming idea of CHOICE. Our life is in our hands. Overthinking is our enemy. Embrace what you love and don’t even give a second thought. You sound like you’re on the right track Alexi.Thankyou for sending my thoughts that way also xx

  6. Like going on a scenic hike, you have a high goal. But better to make it a journey up that you’ll enjoy too. After all, that’s the longest part.


  7. You’re a sweet, unique, earnest, hardworking person. I spent the bulk of my sick day today reading your posts and watching your videos, and really enjoyed them!

    You’ll always be dissatisfied until you really, truly accept the nice things people say about you, and love yourself. That’s super trite, but it’s an actual truth. Until you have appreciation and confidence outside of other people’s input, you’ll always be chasing some validation or phantom relationship.

    I don’t even know you, but here I am telling you you’re pretty cool. No one does that for me, yet I believe it anyway. Shit, you overcame a lot, based on this post if your upbringing, and have come out with a level head and a good heart. If you can’t be proud and satisfied with that, I don’t know what will top it.

    Keep up the good work!

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