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a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:

I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended.  The point is, I’m single again.

Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off  or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.

I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.

It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.

At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?

And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?

Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.

At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?

I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.

Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.

And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”

I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.

It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.

That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.

I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.

I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.

I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.

On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.


16 Responses to “the state of being single”

  1. Oh dear,

    where to start…

    First of all, I see myself as an expert on all your mentioned topics. An expert first hand, out of experience.

    And what I am about to say or rather write is pointed towards becoming “healthy” – emotionally, physically and mentally… Healthy to me means natural, not analysing and grinding every thing you did or thought in your head until there is no energy left in you. Healthy to me means to enjoy life, to not doubt, to not compromise, to not feel ashamed, to not be afraid or feel guilty…

    If you want to achieve that, here are some tips I have for you. If not, disregard my whole message.

    1. Get rid of your fear of doing something wrong. Fear of doing something wrong is fear of being punished. There is nothing you will be punished for (as long as you obey the law). So, take a firm decision not to worry about other people’s opinions – you CAN be a grandma and you CAN be totally old fashioned. What is important is only your well being – you can do whatever you want – and don’t give a damn if everyone you know has something to say about it.

    2. You don’t have to do anything… however, you can do everything you please. There are no shoulds and should nots in dating, loving or having sex – as long as the other agrees to your desires. If you are afraid of other people’s opinion, see point 1.

    3. You are both. You are monogamous and at the same time you are polygamous. Everyone carries both potentials inside of them. There is no “truth” to discover. Everything, every possibility is right here, right now, sitting in an unactivated state until you decide to activate it – and have fun living it out. And you can cancel the experience any time you like – and thank the person who was playing along for the experience.

    4. As said in point 3, you are both. The whole universe is both. Existence is a paradox. Both sides are enjoyable – if you prefer enjoying, or both sides are suffering, if you prefer suffering. As I prefer enjoyment, I regard being alone as a blessing, and being with some one is a blessing just as well. The key is to be open to both possibilities and know when your soul desires solitude and when it wants company.

    There is no problem. All problems are mental, non existent, an illusion.

    Best,

    Rei


  2. Rei: i agree. but this journal entry didn’t stem from pain, nor was it painful to write. it was just a reflection of where i was at the time. it feels good to write. it makes me happy. i am always doing what i want and i am open to changing when my mood, stance changes. i write to get what’s in my head, out of my head; so i can see it, be rid of it, and maybe other people will relate/find it useful/entertaining… or not. i always go with how i’m feeling. and i lean towards some ways of being more than others. i know it’s all how i choose to see things. i know there is no problem. but i appreciate the feedback. thank you for reading and commenting. : )


  3. This hits the nail square on the head. Perfect. I thought I was alone in this.
    Side note: Dating apps are useful but not satisfying. I still believe in love and the magic that comes with it. I’ve found that just being happy and doing all the things that make you happy,are like a magnet for those loves we all seek. A light shines around you. Your confidence acts as a cosmic beacon that draws in your soulmate. Good piece. I’m glad to have taken the time to read it.


  4. “I am the most inspiring thing in my life right now” this sums it up for me. Getting to know ourselves and blowing our own minds is pretty lovely. Last week I spoke to help people get off drugs, helped a hopeless friend get winter clothes, connected deeper with friends while working full time and getting my daughter ready for college. I was inspired as fuck by my interaction with the world. Finding a partner to support and expand with would be awesome. Until then I will use that energy towards helping myself and loved ones flourish. I cant waste my time anymore on small games that make my world smaller. So so not interesting. Loved the read. Thankyou for your always creative and clever perspective.


  5. Alexi, I really appreciate this! I too went through a break up with someone I was crazy about… about the same length relationship as yours I think from reading yr blogs. The pain was unbelievable. I have to fight the urge to “compete” with my ex because even though we can’t be together why would I settle for less than how I felt then? Like, just because he may be gallivating around to fill his void, I don’t need to do that to compete when it won’t make me feel better. I always remember “better alone than poorly accompanied”… I hate to dishonor love by pretending. And it makes us happier and better people to those around us when we focus on our own goals and dreams… truth!

    Love your true heart and spirit Alexi!


  6. Hey Alexi,
    My gf and I just broke up a few days ago. Right before the holidays…shitty. I’m your typical romantic, which means a lot of depressing music and self loathing. James Blunt, Adele, and Sam Smith became my best friends. Soooo…one of my friends directed to this site and I was like, I know her! I’ve seen her in Cabin Fever 2 as the really cute last surviver in the movie. Anyways, your blog really helped put things in perspective to me. Relationships and Love are great, but only in the right context that it enhances the life experience. And I think I was starting to forget that truth. Thanks for reminding me how great each of our lives should be.
    -beau


  7. Ask what you can give, not what do you want. What reflects back on you may be ultimately rewarding.


  8. hey alexi!

    I have been reading your blog since you started it years ago! Iv’e sent so many people to your site over the years- I really resonate with so much of what you write. I loved this entry, it reminds me of the old school posts you used to do more of.

    It is so funny because towards the end of last year I started saying until I meet my “be all…end all” person I was staying selfish. I’m still in that mindset actually and at 29 almost 30 this year it’s the way I have to be honestly. I used to fall for anyone who fell for me and kind of make myself in a way like them or be into them and eventually I would develop some feelings because I felt like I had to, I needed to. I’ve been in so many romantic/just sex situations that I wasn’t really into with that particular person that it’s crazy to think about because now I won’t allow it, I refuse to entertain it anymore. I’d rather be lonely then with someone I’m luke warm about- like you mentioned I’m lonelier with someone I don’t feel magic with. my ex was magical and it’s scary to feel like you won’t get that back for a while…. or ever? there’s a quote from the movie ‘Her’ ” Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt. “. I’ve felt that way after breakups and now with just being single I still kind of feel that way, but it is amazing to be single.

    anyways, thank you for being so honest and open and maybe I’ll get on an online dating site as well and report back even though I have attitude towards platforms such as that.

    xxf


  9. you think youre bitter, angry and hate men now, wait till youve been on tinder for a week. plus then you will see the guys in person you rejected on tinder. plus no doubt you’ll list yourself as way younger then you are so you can date a 20 year old. ha ha ha you deserve it!


  10. Aww babe. It’s called a broken heart. You will heal. He will heal and yes he needs to heal too. Time. You already know that you are awesome because of other’s value on you but you don’t believe it yourself yet because it takes a while. Fact of life. Very few are blessed with true self awareness so young. Just know that you need to go through this to meet the person you’re supposed to be with. Because as difficult as it might be to imagine now, it will happen when you least expect it. You need to feel asexual and you need to man-hate and you need to explore and spend more time with girlfriends and you need to try different relationships but my only advice is — do not sleep with anyone that you do not respect. Once you taste love you can never be empty with it. Love isn’t always forever and you may never see certain people again but you should always be loving. It will come to you. <3


  11. Correction– sorry I had a few drinks last night and read this while in emo mode, so I may have been projecting the whole “love yourself” because that’s what I’m going through but may not apply. Basically, it’s all okay because in the end, the people we have relationships with throughout our lifetime ultimately teach us about ourselves and if it’s with mutual respect and love and it just doesn’t work out for whatever reason, it’s totally okay. I think you get that because I don’t sense any real bitterness. People like you will continuously become better. I’m thankful you wrote this because look, I’m still thinking about it and I probably should still be sleeping. Much love to you. There is an amazing supportive network out here for all of us. Pretty cool 🙂


  12. I just read this on a tram in Melbourne Australia, laughing, nodding my head and also became a little emotional. Thanks girlfriend. Needed to read that entry v much. Xx


  13. Wow… That is exactly what I’m going through at the moment. And it’s crazy, because I just discovered your site yesterday, thanks to the #GIRLBOSS book!
    Thanks for putting my feelings in words… It’s comforting to know other people are going through the same think.


  14. So much this. I am in this same position and so much of this resonates with me. I LOVE feeling this way, but I’m also a bit worried that I’ll just feel this way for so long that I’ll end up being a little old lady who’s cat eats her face off because no one noticed she died alone in her apartment. WHOOPS. But hell, at least I’ll have had a lifetime of travel, good books, great wine, and some fun men when I wanted them as memories. Living my life on MY terms is the BEST. Good luck on Tinder. If nothing else it gives GREAT blog material.


  15. Your entire blog is gross disgusting and leaves nothing to the imagination. Someday when you grow up you are going to be so embarrassed.


  16. Hello Alexi, I just want to say I discovered your bog through youtube on accident and I’m glad I did. I normally don’t read or comment on blogs, but this journal entry of yours is so deep as if I can connect with you as a person. I love your artistic work, it seems like you know who you are and not everybody does! I would love to meet you somehow someways and just shoot some photos of you but I live in TX :/ Oh well, if you took the time to read this thanks. Oh I’m a guy by the way which obviously you probably already know lol


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