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Listen to previous episodes of ‘Boycrazy Radio’ below:
1. Home depot is dude mecca! And home owners to boot! who knew?! i do. and you do too now.
2. Just accept the fact that if you’re young, sexy, and/or fucking a ton- the sheets on your bed are gonna get MESSED UP and you’re gonna have to buy more! DUH! But relaxxx, that’s what Target’s FOR!!
3. For a MOMENT i experienced brief clarity and thought: “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean i have to be perfect all the time & constantly struggle to live up to unrealistic expectations! I am a HUMAN BEING!!! I’m allowed to be imperfect and flawed just like men are, and still consider myself worthy of LOVE.” and then, just as quickly as it had begun, i snapped out of it and came back to my senses and thought ‘nahhh, don’t be crazy!’ And continued applying my makeup.
4. Don’t grow up! It’s a trick!
5. There are two types of people, those who call them freckles & those who call it sun damage… which is what it REALLY is.
6. One of the most important things you can do before going on a date is to make sure to tweeze any rogue hairs growing out of your boobs that you weren’t even aware of. Just look down I BEG OF YOU! you’ll be blown away/so glad you did! you’re welcome.
7. Putting stuff off actually makes you feel worse. It seems like you’re getting off the hook and on vacation… but you’d feel so much better if you rose to the occasion and did something that challenged you and came out the other side stronger.
8. As long as the number of creepy, ugly, letchy, loser, unworthy assholes you’ve slept with is LESS than the number of creepy, ugly, unworthy, asshole, loser guys you COULD have slept with, but didn’t… you’re in the clear! At least that’s what i keep telling myself.
9. Just like YOU don’t like everyone, not everyone is going to like you. Let these assholes inspire you to be great. Fuck them (figuratively not literally)! But i suppose the better advice would be: have compassionate detachment for these people. Let it go. The anger and hatred and defensive attitude you have for someone else only lives in and hurts YOU! Let it go! Be honored you made enough if an impression on someone for them to hate you. And let someone else matter so little to you that you feel NOTHING for them. NOTHING!
10. Write a list of all the people you can’t stand and all the people who can’t stand you and burn it (over a sink- don’t burn your fucking house down or anything) and release them, they no longer have any power over you!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY
1. always be refreshing… be it your Instagram likes, your twitter, your facebook, or your vagina.
2. single girls who are too lazy to put pants on and leave the house: Lifetime is where it’s at! one unfamiliar, poorly acted, ridiculous Christmas movie after the next!
3. people who have unprotected sex are either: very in love, super lazy, really stupid, or all of the above.
4. girls: just accept the fact that guys don’t like going to the doctor. This doesn’t mean that their not going to the doctor is okay, it just means that you shouldn’t feel alone in the fact that you are utterly annoyed and feel disrespected by your boyfriend or the guy you’re dating’s laziness/not getting tested for std’s or even just checking out the weird growths, moles, and/or rashes on his body. men are simple and lazy. even the extraordinary, successful ones. when it comes to going to the doctor, they are lazy jerks with a bizarre mental block up. we women are so much more on top of the details of life- in making sure things are safe and sound. so, know this and don’t get angry. instead, just schedule him an appt, withhold sex, and be ok bossing him around and forcefully cajoling him into doing what is right- as if you were his mom. unfortunately, after discussing this with numerous girls, i’ve learned that this is totally normal. yes, it’s annoying and exhausting, but completely normal and not unheard of. know for sure that many other girls are experiencing your same frustration and found they just had to be tough and make tests and doc appointments happen. you are not alone. just get it done.
5. one time something happened. hopefully it was or wasn’t to you.
6. not doing drugs is the new doing drugs. addiction is embarrassing and for weak losers.
7. girls, wear a fucking bra! i don’t care if you’re an A cup! do it! if only to protect yourself from having bizarro misshapen egg boobs down the road. besides, lingerie is awesome! it’s s one more layer to peel off before sex, is super pretty, AND makes you feel sexy!
8. when watching real housewives of beverly hills, vanderpump rules, real housewives of atlanta, shahs of sunset, total divas, courtney loves dallas, or whatever other shit reality programs you’re addicted to… think about how many hours of valuable time you’re wasting. you could be making something, working, meeting actual people, writing, daydreaming, planing your future, going on a date, singing, drawing, having an adventure, bettering your life, or at least drinking and masturbating.
9. the level of loser you are can be determined by your excitement when getting a direct message on twitter. I’m a level 10. : (
10. oh god! please let this work:
(THIS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY NEED AND TRULY DESIRE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!)
•something that shows you’ve been paying attention.
•stuff she needs, but can’t afford.
•stuff she wants, but can’t afford.
•make her coffee every morning and bring it to her in bed.
•kiss her in PUBLIC! genuine pda is epic. who gives a fuck about what other people may or may not think?
if you hate hers, find one you’re crazy about!
claire vivier (personally, i’d prefer a monogrammed ‘duffle petit’ bag with tall, skinny ACW initials, obvi – . but that’s just me.)
in REALITY, you should be getting her flowers ALL the time. a single rose (red or white) counts! girls never don’t LOVE getting flowers! it’s NOT a cheesy gesture. it makes girls feel spoiled and as if, even though life can be a dream dasher, there is still hope for a romanticized life to become a reality. you can even PICK them! for free! but maybe buy them so your neighbors don’t hate you. your call.
Hawaii, nyc, whistler, bora bora, Fiji, Vancouver, venice, rome, berlin, paris, ANYWHERE she’s mentioned she REALLY wants to go!
promise rings, necklaces, etc. Every time she wears it, she’ll think of YOU and her friends will be reminded that HER boyfriend is WAS better & more romantic than THEIR bonehead loser of a boyfriend.
(bottom line, bath stuff – like lingerie, and anything else that makes her clean, comfortable, and feeling sexy in preparation for fucking you/making love to you, is a GREAT idea!)
•spa gift certificates
the eye concentrate, moisturizing cream
•silk (real silk) pajamas
•take her to the movies
•hold her hand
•a lack of complaining
kiss every inch of her, go down on her, squeeze her, grip her waist, grip her hips, squeeze her ass, slap her bum, lick her nipples, suck on her tits, stroke her hair, kiss her neck, stick your tongue in her mouth, drink her cum if you’re lucky enough to make her cum, suck on her puss, caress her, lick her, smell her, fuck her, make love to her, make eye contact, tell her how you feel about her, whisper nasty/sexy/dirty shit in her ear, whisper sweet nothings in her other ear, tell her you love her.
…and girls, if you’re lucky enough to have a boyfriend who does any of these things from my list… be kind to him. it’s not a one way street! what are you gonna do for HIM? xo
1. when in a relationship, remember: there’s probably somebody WAY better out there for you who you’ll never meet because you’re stuck with THAT loser.
2. dear fat, disgusting family with morbidly obese eight year olds in tow, who are all standing in my way at yogurtland, sampling all the flavors, licking their fingers and then touching the spigots with their grimy fingers and sample cups… GET OUTTA HERE!
3. people fall into two categories: people who use the word ‘delicious’ to describe anything other than food and people who use the word ‘delicious ‘ when it’s appropriate, never!
4. turns out, Isla Fisher and Amy Adams AREN’T the same person.
5. boobytrap spelled backwards is ‘partyboob’.
6. being a recluse/shut in is way less impressive or extreme nowadays. after all, there’s no real reason to leave your house anymore anyways, what with online shopping, delivery, and everything you need being at the tips of your fingers: movies, socializing, food, clothing, etc. sorry asshole, it’s time to come up with a NEW extreme character trait that gives you an identity!
7. turns out, Amanda Peet and Jennifer Garner AREN’T the same person.
8. please, no more insta accounts for your dog! it’s embarrassing and not ok! you barely need one for yourself, let alone your dog!
9. people fall into two categories: people who refer to themselves and others as ‘foodies’ and people who aren’t gross dorks.
10. not being on facebook, twitter, and/or insta is the NEW recluse.
PS: FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY
PPS: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ IS CANCELED TONIGHT & WILL RETURN WED. JANUARY 8, 2014 @ 9PM PST! BE THERE & CALL IN!
PPPS: Gawd i LOVE Jennifer Lawrence! she’s SUCH a LIKEABLE BADASS! xoxo
“I, CHING” is the perfect gift for the holidays! It’s hilarious, smart, with a joke in every sentence! I’m NOT even exaggerating!
I’d forgotten how much i love reading AND laughing/LOL’ing… but this book reminded me!
“I, CHING” is a young adult novel chronicling the tumultuous tenth grade experience of Susan Ching.
Written by the uber talented hyphenate, Jarrett Grode: actor, writer, comedian!
And for the love of god, buy his book “I, CHING” and READ IT! I did! You won’t regret it!
happy holidays/xoxo/i love you, Alexi