GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh

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When Things Get Weird

By Amanda Leigh

I hate dating. I hate the word hate even more. I’m at the point where if you don’t knock my socks off, I’d rather stay home and not spend the hour plus getting ready that it takes to go out with you.

I’m an independent woman. I know who I am. I have a full, vibrant life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Plus I have a dog to cuddle with and a great vibrator. So to knock my socks off at this point isn’t easy.

I met a man online recently who excited me enough to curl my hair and leave the house in make-up to meet him. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours straight 2 days in a row before meeting face to face. When I saw his beautiful big blue eyes in real time there was an instant spark.

We didn’t leave each other’s side for 3 weeks straight. We talked about our life goals, dreams, and we even talked about getting a place together. Everything lined up. We decided to be exclusive and agreed that this was something special.

I thought I had met the Ice-T to my Coco. My friends thought I was crazy. We’ve all heard the stories. Two people meet when they’re least expecting it and boom! They’re together for life. It could happen to anyone. And I thought it was happening to me.

He didn’t fit the pattern of the emotionally unavailable, douchey turd bags I’ve dated in the past. First of all, he was a full-blown, no-holds-barred gainfully employed tech nerd with no spray tan and no metrosexual tendencies. He grew up on a farm in the Midwest and didn’t relate to the absurdity of Hollywood. Secondly, he was single and not married pretending to be single. And thirdly, he was straightforward, kind, generous, loving, chivalrous, and funny. He insisted on open, honest communication. He was even tall. Finding a tall employed man with values in Los Angeles is like finding a unicorn.

Things were going great. I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. Friends were happy that I was finally getting some good D from a nice guy with a good heart. I introduced him to my dog and she literally followed him into the shower and licked the tub when he got out. Then one day, out of the blue, things got weird.

I hate it when things get weird. But sadly, I’m also used to it. That moment when you don’t know what is about to happen but you know it will make you cry. Or feel sad. Or lose what you’ve been enjoying so much. A nauseous fearful feeling takes over your body. That moment when you know you are about to get really hurt by someone else. Yep. It was about to happen to me.

Suddenly, he seemed less interested, impatient, and distant.  He stopped replying to text messages right away, stopped taking the initiative to call me, and his tone of voice changed when we spoke on the phone. Because I don’t like unspoken weirdness, I asked him what was up. He assured me everything was fine on his end.

A couple of days after I noticed this change in his energy, he dropped a bomb in my morning orange juice. He said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that our exclusivity is off the table. Why? Because I need to focus on work and you’re a  distraction from it.  I really didn’t want to cry so I held it in. Um, yeah that’s so dumb to even try to do and it doesn’t work. It actually makes crying worse because rather than drizzling tears you actually burst and pour. And that’s what I did. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I could balance everything. Blah blah blah…

Ohhhkkkkk….

Men consistently say they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings but they do it in ways that seem so ridiculous, uncaring, and avoidable. Many men project that having a relationship is a bad thing – that all women are a hassle or take up too much time because they have been in relationships with unhealthy women in the past. It’s not fair to those of us who are healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative, and understanding. I’m not your ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife. My intention in partnership is to both thrive and be more successful together than we are apart. Not to weigh anyone down. Myself included.

How does someone go from full speed ahead to a screeching halt like that? If he had told me in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship I would not have gone out with him.

My hunch is that he is avoiding the exact thing he actually wants and needs with some strange excuse about work and about his inability to focus.

There’s no perfect time for anything in life. If you want something badly enough and are capable of embracing it, you will make it happen and balance your responsibilities regardless of obstacles. Clearly, he didn’t want to make the effort.

I’m moving on. Quickly. I’ve already spoken with two ex-boyfriends who told me it’s his loss. And Doin Me is on replay in my car. I’m back to the dating grind. I already cancelled a date with a guy who sent me a dick pick before we met in person. And I’m back online full force communicating with other morons looking for that needle in a haystack. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of Gods children but some are idiots. Sorry, God.

I guess I was under the wrong impression that if a guy is nerdy looking, doesn’t kiss on the second date, and drinks O’Douls that things won’t get weird. I should have known when he brought his silverware disinfectant to dinner that something weird would happen. Note to self: add that to the list of dating red flags.

 

If you want to follow me on Insta I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m www.facebook/therealamandaleigh. I’m working on being more narcissistic so hopefully my lack of selfies won’t bore you.

the blind leading the blind (part 128):

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1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 

Tonight “BOYCRAZY RADIO” – Call in! xx

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the blind leading the blind (part 127):

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1. just keep pretending everything’s ok… even though it totally isn’t.

 

2. sometimes all a mom can say via text is: ‘call your therapist’ and it really is the best & only advice she can give.

 

3. when dining alone at a sushi restaurant, always sit at the sushi bar and pretend you’re on a date with the guy you’re wedged in next to… even if he is someone elses husband.

 

4. bacon is always good as long it’s cooked the way you want it. Whereas sausage is a gamble even if it’s cooked perfectly.

 

5. long distance relationships aren’t real relationships. i should know, i’m in one.

 

6. start referring to erect penis’ as (misplaced) unicorn horns. it’s so much more mystical.

 

7. saying ‘that was my stomach’ in a panic after your stomach growls is WAY worse than saying nothing at all. I mean, what else would it have been? This advice of keeping your mouth shut and not explaining yourself ALSO applies in the following scenarios: 1. your chair is squeaking/makes a weird sound when you move and when you try to recreate the sound while saying ‘it was the chair’ but then the chair doesn’t make the sound again. and 2. stepping on a weird part of a wood floor and again trying to recreate the squeak while explaining yourself to no avail. Just let it be.

 

8. knowing what NOT to tweet is even MORE important than what you actually decide to tweet.

 

9. getting married is the new ‘i don’t believe in marriage.’ we’ve done and seen it all! some things work, other things don’t. just jump in! so what if you get divorced in 7 years? at least you did it! monogamy is the new ‘wylin out’ or whatever that horrible pop culture phrase was when it was. plus, all that really matters as a woman is who you decide to have a baby with. that’s what needs to be the most precious decision. not marriage.

 

10. dear drivers, when you get in your car and i’m waiting for your parking spot, don’t sit in your car forever! or at least let me know if you don’t plan on leaving immediately instead of avoiding eye contact with me, pretending not to hear my horn honking, or just being completely un self-aware in general! we’re all in this together. we need to communicate!!! … unless it’s me. in which case; leave me alone. i’m probably figuring out how to get to my next destination, eating a sandwich, instagramming, and/or texting with everyone i know. so beat it. i am allowed to be here no matter how scarce parking is! for the love of god, i’m not giving up this spot. and if you keep honking, i’ll just get out and go back inside the supermarket or whatever establishment i came from and risk you keying my car.

First Kiss via VICE:

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the blind leading the blind (part 126):

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1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”

2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.

3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!

4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.

5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS #calmingtelevision

6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.”  I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.

7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.

8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!

9. Facebook is so O V E R.

10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.



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