1. be with someone who doesn’t make you want to check your phone.
2. today’s the day. be brave. tell your friend who posts too many Instagram photos back to back that they are clogging the feed and it’s not okay!
3. sometimes just having a 2 min chat with a guy you think is cute is enough to get over him.
4. it’s not the mean thing that the person said, it’s the fact that they would say something that they know could hurt your feelings.
5. people like lindsay lohan and paris hilton and reading tabloids in general taught me that it’s not out of the question and totally ok to have multiple outfit changes per day. and for that, i am forever thankful.
6. how about before you show people pictures on your phone, you delete some of your disgusting selfies, you narcissistic fuck?
7. everyone who’s cool was probably at some point either emo or goth but are now past it but retain subtle fragments of it.
8.there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘relax’ text response.
9. there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘huh?’ text response.
10. this summer (and it’s slipping away quickly, so get on it!) is ALL ABOUT iced coffee with a shot of espresso (preferably from the coffee bean and tea leaf, cuz the ice is WAY more exciting).
Remember ROMANCE?! Yeah, me NEITHER! Would you like to remember and sample or at least watch what love, romance, anticipation, true love, and whimsy feels like? Then go see my new favorite movie! IT JUST OPENED! Check your local listings! It’s called “AIN’T THEM BODIES SAINTS” and it was written and directed by my BEST FRIEND David Lowery. You might remember his work… after all, he shot all of my boycrazy short films. Yeah, THAT genius! And now he’s blowing up… and I could cry, I’m so proud of him!
“Ain’t Them Bodies Saints” stars, Rooney Mara, Casey Affleck, and Ben Foster. It’s beautiful, touching, subtle, and will move you… I PROMISE! So guys: take whoever it is you’re trying to bed to the movies ASAP. Single girls: buy yourself a ticket or three so no one will sit next to you while you binge eat and weep into your popcorn all by your lonesome and dream about finding love like the love you’ll be witnessing on the big screen. And couples: go see “Ain’t Them Bodies Saints” together and make love/fuck in the car ride home as each of you imagines sexxxing Rooney or Casey or Ben. YOUR CHOICE! JUST SEE THE MOVIE!
i love you.
1. never try to make it work with a guy who can’t kiss. if the chemistry isn’t there… don’t try to make it work.
2. only ever send a text to someone if you’re completely okay if they don’t respond.
3. don’t be with someone who could let go of you so easily or that you could let go of easily with no feelings.
4. some people might think it’s rude to ask your current boyfriend a hypothetical question such as ‘if we were to have a child, would you molest and/or beat them?’ but i think it’s just being responsible.
5. if you ask your boyfriend if he might molest & beat the children you’ve yet to have… sure, he’ll say no… but isn’t that EXACTLY what a child molester beater WOULD say? i know! think about it.
6. there’s nothing more passive aggressive than the ‘chill’ text response.
7. always have a sexy bathing suit and a FAMILY APPROPRIATE bathing suit on hand.
8. you know it’s serious when you’ve only just started texting back and forth with a new guy you have a crush on and you guys already have a “load earlier messages”!
9. after a rendezvous, sometimes the other person won’t think it’s funny to make a joke like ‘do you think we both have aids now?’ – usually this is because said person has NO sense of humor, OR has AIDS, or both.
10. eye fucking isn’t cheating… is it?