1. just keep pretending everything’s ok… even though it totally isn’t.
2. sometimes all a mom can say via text is: ‘call your therapist’ and it really is the best & only advice she can give.
3. when dining alone at a sushi restaurant, always sit at the sushi bar and pretend you’re on a date with the guy you’re wedged in next to… even if he is someone elses husband.
4. bacon is always good as long it’s cooked the way you want it. Whereas sausage is a gamble even if it’s cooked perfectly.
5. long distance relationships aren’t real relationships. i should know, i’m in one.
6. start referring to erect penis’ as (misplaced) unicorn horns. it’s so much more mystical.
7. saying ‘that was my stomach’ in a panic after your stomach growls is WAY worse than saying nothing at all. I mean, what else would it have been? This advice of keeping your mouth shut and not explaining yourself ALSO applies in the following scenarios: 1. your chair is squeaking/makes a weird sound when you move and when you try to recreate the sound while saying ‘it was the chair’ but then the chair doesn’t make the sound again. and 2. stepping on a weird part of a wood floor and again trying to recreate the squeak while explaining yourself to no avail. Just let it be.
8. knowing what NOT to tweet is even MORE important than what you actually decide to tweet.
9. getting married is the new ‘i don’t believe in marriage.’ we’ve done and seen it all! some things work, other things don’t. just jump in! so what if you get divorced in 7 years? at least you did it! monogamy is the new ‘wylin out’ or whatever that horrible pop culture phrase was when it was. plus, all that really matters as a woman is who you decide to have a baby with. that’s what needs to be the most precious decision. not marriage.
10. dear drivers, when you get in your car and i’m waiting for your parking spot, don’t sit in your car forever! or at least let me know if you don’t plan on leaving immediately instead of avoiding eye contact with me, pretending not to hear my horn honking, or just being completely un self-aware in general! we’re all in this together. we need to communicate!!! … unless it’s me. in which case; leave me alone. i’m probably figuring out how to get to my next destination, eating a sandwich, instagramming, and/or texting with everyone i know. so beat it. i am allowed to be here no matter how scarce parking is! for the love of god, i’m not giving up this spot. and if you keep honking, i’ll just get out and go back inside the supermarket or whatever establishment i came from and risk you keying my car.
1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”
2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.
3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!
4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.
5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS
6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.” I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.
7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.
8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!
9. Facebook is so O V E R.
10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.