#FBF: a post i wrote months ago, but seems relevant again now, more so than ever – ‘things to keep you from killing yourself’

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In lieu of Robin Williams suicide and a beautiful friend of mine’s 15yo little brother passing away on the same day… i’d like to post something i wrote several months back. originally it was titled ‘things to keep you from killing yourself’. now, with everything that’s just happened, that title sounds a bit harsh… but i think it might help with those who are struggling. really it was written as a reminder to myself. 

things to keep you from killing yourself: 

if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold - after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

call me any wed at 9pm pst during ‘boycrazy radio’ if you need a pep talk or a friend (646) 378-0649 / i’ll serve as a big sister who listens, distracts you, and offers advice.

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi

TONIGHT: Boycrazy Radio 9pm PST with JD & CHANNING from Joe Manganiello’s documentary LA BARE (about the male strip club the movie Magic Mike was inspired by)

 

 

Tonight: Join me, JD, and Channing during BOYCRAZY RADIO.

CALL US with all your questions/problems regarding:

sex, love, dating, relationships, life, JD, and Channing!

Dial 646 378-0649

or tweet us with your thoughts/questions/concerns

@IMBOYCRAZY

We’re looking forward to speaking to you!

TTYL!

xoxo

the blind leading the blind (part 133):

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1. Don’t assume people look at your insta! One of the most annoying things is when you’re talking to someone in real-time, in real life and they say something like ‘oh, but you probably already know that cuz you saw it on my insta’. um what? fuck you! who the fuck do you think you are? what do you think the world has become?! i know it’s fucked up and we are more alive online than in person, but i don’t want to live my life like that and i sure as hell don’t want to hang with an annoying narcissistic poseur who assumes everyone’s following their insta stream with bated breath. so shut the fuck up kid and just tell me what’s going on/your story without the assumption I’ve liked it on your fed you piece of shit! 

2. Cab drivers will ALWAYS give better advice than an uber driver. SPECIFICALLY, New York cab drivers. 

3. No matter how fat, ugly and repulsive you think you are (and you very well might be right), i promise: SOMEONE out there wants to fuck you. I don’t know why and I don’t know when… but it’s true. So THAT should put your mind at ease, at least for a moment. 

4. If you don’t have a mirror, just turn your camera on and reverse the camera. Duh! 

5. Only pay when you’re out with your boyfriend when you’re mad at him. This will make him more appreciative when he’s paying.

6. The minute you stop being afraid of carbs: rice, potatoes, bread, etc… Is the minute it will stop making you gain weight. It’s OK to eat carbs. Except you, fatty. You should stick to salads for a while. 

7. You never really know who you’re dating. So either accept that, or stay alone forever.

8. If he stays too long with his ex and overlaps the ending of his toxic relationship with the beginning of his new relationship with you… He will probably do the same to you. But let him prove you wrong. I mean, the sex is too good to just walk away & be overly logical! 

9. You’ve probably walked past at least one murderer today. Scary.

10. Of course you should put hair serum on your cats coat, this is Hollywood!

Alexi in Bed: ‘How Ariel Pink Got Maced’

Boycrazy Radio – CANCELED TONIGHT

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#BadNews: a message for Andrew, from Natalie (originally posted on my insta @imboycrazy)

 

EMAIL ME at [email protected] (SUBJECT: #BADNEWS) with ALL the details & I will deliver ANY bad news, that you don’t want to deliver, FOR YOU!

 

I will do it in video form, on insta, and you can choose to tag the person you want to get the news… or not!

 

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER and INSTA @IMBOYCRAZY

A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’ (via: iWantedWings.com)

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Imagine this:

The year is 2014. You are a white Western woman. You wake up in the morning in a comfortably sized house or flat. You have a full or part-time job that enables you to pay your rent or mortgage. You have been to school and maybe even college or university as well. You can read and write and count. You own a car or have a driver’s licence. You have enough money in your own bank account to feed and clothe yourself. You have access to the Internet. You can vote. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend of your choosing, who you can also marry if you want to, and raise a family with. You walk down the street wearing whatever you feel like wearing. You can go to bars and clubs and sleep with whomever you want.

Your world is full of freedom and possibility.

Then you pick up a newspaper or go online. You read about angry women ranting about sexism and inequality. You see phrases like ‘rape-culture’ and ‘slut-shaming.’ You furrow your brow and think to yourself: ‘What are they so angry about? There is no such thing as sexism anymore.’

Now imagine this:

The year is 2013. You are a 25 year-old Pakistani woman. A few months ago, you married the man you love. A man you choose for yourself. You are also pregnant with his child. You see your life stretching out before you, filled with hope and happiness. Suddenly, you and your husband are dragged away from each other. You are both beaten with bricks and batons. You can’t fight back. You can’t escape. No one comes to help you. Through your fading vision, you look up, and look into the eyes of one of your assailants: into the eyes of your father.

The year is 2013. You are a 23 year-old Indian woman. You are a physiotherapy student with a promising career ahead of you. You are sitting on a private bus travelling home alone on a warm December evening. You gaze out of the window as the buildings of New Dheli rush past you and feel content. Suddenly, a blunt force hits the back of your head and you fall to the floor of the bus. A group of strange men are standing over you. They bring the metal bar down on you again and again and again until all you can taste is the blood filling up your mouth. You pray that you will die soon. And you do, but not then. You are raped, beaten, and tortured over and over again. Death is slow and agonising.

The year is 2014. You are a 13 year-old girl from Niger. You no longer live there though. You are now living in the neighbouring country Nigeria, sitting alone in small room on a small bed in a small apartment high above the city of Kano. You are not allowed to leave. Your stomach is swollen from the unwanted life growing inside of it. You had no choice. The father is a man in his 40s. He is a businessman. He has bought you as his wife. You were a penniless, uneducated girl when he came for you. You don’t know of any life you could have had. Neither did your family: just one less mouth for them to feed. You still have the body of a child, and it’s straining under the pressure from the one inside of you. You feel like you’re about to be split in two. You don’t wonder if you will survive the birth. A part of you doesn’t want to.

These are fictionalised accounts of real events that have happened to real women living in our world today. They follow the past 250 years of women and men campaigning for women to be given equal rights to men to prevent these kinds of injustices and abuses on the grounds of gender taking place. Over the course of this time, campaigners – Feminists, both female and male – have been locked up, beaten, tortured, and even killed, in the pursuit of equality. They did this with pen and ink and print; they did this with their voices; they did this with their bodies; they did this with art and music; they did in courts of law and halls and houses of government that they fought be to allowed into.

They did this so that women would no longer been seen as property, livestock, breeding machines, sex objects, punching bags, or infantile morons. They did this not just for themselves, but also for their daughters, and their daughters, and their daughters for generations to come. They did this for women they would never meet – women who lived across countries, across vast oceans, across the entire globe, and even across time.

They did this so that women like me – a white Western woman – could attend school and university; to learn to read, write, and think critically; to gain a degree; to get a job and be paid an equal salary to a man in the same position; and to sit here with my own computer and type all of this.

Feminism is a movement for freedom, equality, choice, love, compassion, respect, solidarity, and education. We may argue, we may disagree, we may struggle to understand the choices and perspectives of others sometimes, but these core beliefs of the movement have never changed, and they never will.

That is why I am a Feminist.

If you feel that you have so far lived your life unaffected by even the mildest form of sexism – anything from feeling uncomfortable when a man catcalls you in the street, to feeling scared walking home alone at night in a secluded area – and are treated with love and respect by every man in your life, then to you I say: I’m glad for you. If you don’t think you need feminism, then that is a victory for the movement. You have fulfilled all those dreams that every suffragette being force-fed in prison and every ‘witch’ burnt at the stake dreamed you would one day.

But perhaps take a second to consider the life of the Pakistani woman who was beaten to death by her own family for marrying a man of her choosing. Or the life of the Indian woman who was raped, beaten, and murdered on a bus by a gang of men. Or the life of the little girl in Niger who was sold to a man more than twice her own age and forced to carry a baby that may kill her to deliver. Do they still need feminism?

And perhaps take a second to consider this too: Even in our liberal, Western world, why do women still only fill 24% of senior management jobs? Why are more women than men domestically abused or even killed every week at the hands of their male partner or ex-partner? Why is there still a pay gap (in the UK specifically) of 15% for women doing the same jobs and working the same hours as men?

And what about on a cultural level? Have you ever noticed how comedy panel shows usually only have one female panellist compared to 4-5 male ones? That almost every dieting product on the market is solely aimed at women? How a lot of newspapers and advertising campaigns will use a sexualised or pornographic image of a woman to sell news or products that have nothing to do with sex?

Or perhaps on a personal level: Do you choose to wear certain clothes because you want to or because you feel ‘unfeminine’ if you don’t? Do you choose to cover yourself up because you want to or because you feel ashamed or intimidated by a man looking at your body? Do you shave your legs and underarm hair because you want to or because you will look ‘ugly’ if you don’t? Did you parents dress you in pink as a baby because they liked the colour or because you were born a girl? Do you want to have children because you want to or because you are a woman?

When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, do you see yourself through your own eyes, or through the eyes of the men that will look at you when you walk out the door?

The fact is, like it or not, you still live a world where gender matters. Where gender controls not just the entire course of your life – but the lives of women all over the world. Every second, a child will be born female in a country where she will persecuted for this random biological occurrence for the rest of her life. So before you hold up your anti-Feminist placard proudly and smile at your own sense of empowerment, think not what Feminism can do for you, but what it can do for that one girl. She needs someone to stand up for her. That someone could be you.


This is a response to ‘Women Against Feminism’ groups onTumblr and Facebook.

The stories of the women mentioned in this post were sourced from these sites:

http://feminist.org/blog/index.php/2014/05/29/pakistani-woman-stoned-to-death-for-marrying-a-man-of-her-own-choosing/

http://feminist.org/blog/index.php/2013/01/02/indias-tipping-point-death-of-rape-victim-sparks-global-outrage/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-27619295

Other facts and statistics were sourced from here:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/international-womens-day-2014-the-shocking-statistics-that-show-why-it-is-still-so-important-9177211.html

 

Boycrazy Radio – TONIGHT

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the blind leading the blind (part 132):

 

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1. if your ex-boyfriend is texting you more than your current boyfriend… there’ s a problem.

 

2. everyone keeps saying, ‘people who post selfies are narcissist fucks’… NOT TRUE! The TRUTH is, if you DON’T post selfies, it means you don’t like yourself. Glad we solved that one! Phew! Now let’s all lean towards self esteem!

3. if you are one of those people who has an application that alerts you to who unfollows you on insta or twitter, you are a loser.

 

4. if you are one of those people who has an application that alers you to who unfollowed you on insta or twitter and then you confront the person who unfollowed you about it, i have no words for how embarrassing you are.

 

5. spotify is a million times better than pandora. but you know that already… right?

 

6. dear erewhon and all other deli sections of supermarkets: don’t let the handles of the ladles and tongs, that you grab with your bare hands, touch the food it sits in! it’s disgusting!!! And ps: you’re supposed to be wearing gloves!!! GLOVES!!!

 

7. yes, you are SO right! shaving your bikini line is WAY cheaper than getting waxed at a profesh salon! but razor burn isn’t sexy and doesn’t create an atmosphere someone wants to bury their face in… ya know?

 

8. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite, says a lot about you. mine is svu. oh no!

 

9. if you subconsciously feel like you’re doing your boyfriend a favor by being with him,that’s a relationship you should get out of. your poor boyfriend.

 

10. cats would be so much cooler if they gave massages & did the dishes. i mean, i feel like all i do is feed the thing, go out of my way to entertain it & then try my hardest to NOT be attacked.

 

ALEXI IN BED with ARIEL PINK:



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