1. if the most exciting thing in your life is that you forgot you posted a pic on insta and now you’re excited to check and see how many likes and comments you received… you are leading an extremely weak life.
2. girls. although i can see why it might be fun and add a sense of urgency and excitement to your life; running out of tampons and waiting until you’re actually having your period – to the point of leaking – to run to the drugstore to buy more tampons, is an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.
3. prefer surface streets.
4. new goal, try to exhaust your boyfriend less this week.
5. cab drivers, especially the ones in New York, will always give better advice than any uber driver ever could.
6. guys! make spotify playlists for the girl you like! it’s SO romantic and so EASY! wake up! for the love of god, do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!
7. never text the director of the film you’re watching while you are watching it. it will only annoy him and garner a response like ‘stop texting and watch!’
8. at some point in your relationship, in order to get to the next level and graduate to real intimacy, you MUST surrender to trusting the person you’re with and believing that they love you, won’t hurt you, and mean what they say. you might even think you’re doing that with the person you’re with now, but look closely at yourself. take a moment to think about how you feel. are you always mad at him? do you start fights for no reason; to push him away? to test him? do you get jealous for no real reason other than the fact that you assume the worst – even though he hasn’t done anything except follow a person of the opposite sex on instagram? take all of this into consideration and ask yourself ‘do i still have one foot in and one foot out? do i still doubt him? do i still have him at arms distance, but it’s so subconscious i don’t even realize it?’ just think about it.
9. let’s bring the word ‘queer’ back! it’s so much more colorful than ‘bisexual’ or ‘gay’. plus it’s so fun to say and makes me feel all squirmy and alive! just try it! let me know how it makes YOU feel! even the facial responses you’ll get after making the decision to use this word instead of another are fun to watch. #yolo
10. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite says a LOT about you. my favorite is svu. : /
I can read a man like a book. But I haven’t always been that way. I had to get seriously played to learn the game. (So to speak. I can’t stand games. It’s a figure of speech.) In other words, I’ve been hurt, surprised, upset, shocked, duped, and manipulated enough to consider myself a seasoned dater. It doesn’t take me long to figure a man out and it isn’t complicated. You just have to be willing to admit the truth of what you see to yourself. Here is a short list of things I have learned from my dating experiences with men. I know you have a short attention span so I tried to keep it brief for you. You’re welcome. Here it goes…
•If a man takes you to a restaurant where everyone knows him and waits on him hand and foot, you are not special. That’s where he takes all of his dates.
•If he refuses to get a pedicure because it’s not manly, he will not go with you to see a therapist to work on your relationship issues. He has too much pride.
•If he says he doesn’t like drama, he will be the one to create it.
•If he tries to have sex with you without a condom on your first date, he does that with every woman he meets. Good luck when you get an STD test.
•If he doesn’t call or text the day after you have sex with him for the first time, he’s not going to be your boyfriend.
•If he artfully changes the subject when you ask him if he’s married, he’s married.
•If he doesn’t walk you to your car at the end of the night he isn’t a caring, conscientious person.
•If he calls you to tell you he’s driving in your neighborhood but doesn’t come over to fuck you he has a small penis.
•If he calls you “sweetie”, “honey”, or “baby” before you actually get to know him well, he doesn’t respect women. He may call your mother that when he first meets her.
•If he says, “you need to relax” or “you’re overreacting” when you’re sharing your feelings, he’s emotionally immature and incapable of listening and hearing you.If you can’t tell whether he’s gay or straight, he’s gay.
•If he’s a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, he likely won’t recover from narcissism.
•If you only hear from him every once in a while and there is no consistency in his communication he’s not that excited about you. He won’t wake up one day and change his mind.
•If he’s an asshole or a douche… he’s an asshole or a douche. If you try to change him you will make yourself crazy.
A man who is healthy, mature, and respectful will be straightforward, honest, and considerate. He will handle his business. He will honor you and be genuine about his intentions. He won’t lie or act like an immature idiot. He won’t have anything to prove. He will get it. Wait for him. He’s worth it.
I’m still waiting for my guy that’s for sure. If you know of anyone, please let me know. In the meantime you can find me cuddling on a Friday night with my four-legged sexless lesbian lover (AKA my dog.) #ImSingle
If you want to follow me on Insta, I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m facebook.com/therealamandaleigh.
1. if he’s never posted a photo of you on Instagram during your relationship, but you have… you love him more.
2. sometimes the only requirements for a girl thinking a guy’s a creep is her knowing that you like her, and her not being attracted to you. but throw in bad shoes, an outdated wallet, a bizare facial hair choice, bad breath… and the dude goes NEXT level and graduates to a SUPER creep lurker!
3. if no one will be his girlfriend and the dude keeps venting about it, wondering why girls don’t want to be his gf and only want to be friends with him after two or 3 dates… you can be sure he has a tiny dick. be it a nubbin, a mushroom, or skinny like a pencil… it’s the dudes disappointing private that’s to blame for his predicament. but it’s ALWAYS the one thing he never considers or brings up.
4. when you know a relationship is coming to an end, start deleting all the Instagram evidence of it ever existing.
5. sometimes all you REALLY need is a polish change, and not the whole mani pedi. faster, cheaper, and WAY less boring to sit through!
6. if you get along better when you text then you do when you actually speak on the phone, there’s a problem.
7. never shoot up (photographically speaking) on a woman. this will only ever be a horrible, unflattering angle for a woman. no matter how beautiful she might be; no matter how ‘great’ a photographer you think you might be… shoot from above. even if only just slightly. trust me.
8. if you’re always disappointed by him, it’s not his fault anymore, it’s YOURS for staying with him.
9. eating bananas in public is one of the most embarrassing things you’ll ever do… if you’re a completely boring pussy.
10. dear masseuse with very hairy arms: your arm hair is in my mouth.
1. while on the plane, en route to visit the boyfriend you’re in a long distance relationship with, it’s very important you do your kegel exercises.
2. if you can combine fighting with your boyfriend with being stressed out about work, you’ll be on the most effective weight loss plan possible!
3. if you can’t stand the thought of her with another guy, then you better fight for her.
4. if you’re wanting to see him stresses him out, he doesn’t love you as much as you want him to.
5. when the losses and the gains blur, it’s probably over.
6. when you lose hope and faith in the relationship, it’s over.
7. if you’re always waiting on someone elses terms & time frame, it’s exhausting and the relationship is imbalanced.
8. a man whose life is dictated by his cats, is a man you don’t want to be with.
9. you know you had a horrible trip if you didn’t take a single picture… OR you were living in the moment… In MY case, it was a series of horrible moments.
10. the best and saddest thing about breaking up with someone you’ve been dating long distance is that, once it’s over, there is a 99% chance you will never run into them again.
i didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t tell if i was angry at him for the reasons I said I was; or was trying to ruin it? was i just testing him (which is just another way of saying ‘trying to ruin it’) to see how much he could endure/see how much he loved me/see if i could prove myself right, so i could say “see?! i knew you would leave me. i knew you would eventually abandon me. just like my father. there’s no such thing as unconditional love!”
then again, these questions could also be asked of my behavior in every other serious relationship i’d ever been in.
ugh. once again I found myself single, or at least on the verge of being single.
and the worst part, in trying to make sense of it all, was how good i was at assuming no responsibility and pinning all the blame on the guy.