at the expense of my own feelings, i’m happy that i could help wake someone up in regards to his life/happiness/and responsibilities. i got sucked into a situation out of nowhere, and was all of a sudden an unavailable mans crush. i kept reminding him that this wasn’t ok and that he needed to evaluate his life… and somewhere in between flirting sessions and my stern voice of reason (and a lot of moments of me loving and indulging in the attention and wishing he could be mine) he finally woke up and i went the complete other way and fell in ‘like’ with him. what began with him being vulnerable, ended with me being the one exposed and vulnerable. but that’s ok. if all it took was my hearts reciprocation, mixed with a handful of mini lectures from me to him about my feeling sorry for him and him needing to sort his life out and get his affairs in order… cuz this wasn’t an ideal situation for any of the parties involved-to make him stop living in a fantasy land/avoiding his problems/ and sleepwalking through life… than that was ok. i know i’ll be fine. for me this was a blip (albeit, emotional) that fed my ego and was slightly entertaining and exciting… but mostly painful. and despite my vulnerability in the end, i wasn’t at all embarrassed or regretful… i was happy our paths crossed and i could help steer him in the right direction. a direction that would give him clarity and resolve, whatever he decided to do… as opposed to confusing the issue more and creating a painful situation for my heart. yeah, maybe he’ll find clarity… or maybe he’ll just find another girl. one who makes it easier, has weaker morals, less self-respect, and low self-esteem.
once upon a time, a long long time ago… i met a boy. he sought me out, and i didn’t really understand why. he was so many things, all at once:
cute and neat and fucked up and manic and talented and kooky and weird and inspiring and manipulative and charismatic, and in the most technical sense, unavailable. i was drawn to him, even though i knew better. he made me happy and excited. he made my heart beat faster. he confused me, and made me feel as though he might be lying to me the majority of the time, mixed with the vibe that he was being more candid with me than anyone else is capable of. but i’ll make that description sound more romantic and upbeat by summing it up as: he intrigued me. i felt special around him. i saw me in him. and although we never had sex, there were nights where i thought about him inside me. but these were only occasional/passing fantasies in my mind’s eye, while i lay in the dark. but overall the connection was more emotional, and cerebral than anything else… but only because we couldn’t be physical. he was spoken for. but why did he seek me out? why was he doing this to me? was he a bipolar, ego maniacal, monster? or did he really just like me and this was a complicated situation? was i living in my own woody allen movie? how exciting! but why did this feel way less funny and glamorous and more like a constant power/ego struggle?
most of the time, i didn’t trust a word he said. it was like he was trying to cast a spell on me, but he didn’t realize i was the wrong girl to do that with. i needed a distraction just as badly as he did, but the difference between us was that i was completely free and had nothing to lose and could do whatever i want… and was too smart to fall for his bullshit or believe his explanations of ‘how things were and why they were that way and what it all was, what it might be like if we were in love, if we were together, but why we couldn’t be together… at least for now. blah blah blah’ but HE was the one tied to a life he was unsure of. not me. the joke was on him.
at first i wasn’t even attracted to him. but then he won me over. i gave in to his advances and attention. fuck! i got sucked in. how did this happen?
he promised me nothing, so he was guilty of nothing… right? i mean, i wasn’t even asking for anything. i just wanted him to admit that he was being reckless with someones feelings. mine. well, not JUST mine.
i could see him and his situation so clearly. he had so many issues and obstacles and responsibilities he was trying to compartmentalize and ignore. i saw this. and he did too, i think. but while he thought he was explaining things away to me and convincing me of something and manipulating me, even though it may have only been benevolent and sub conscious… ultimately i felt sorry for him. i was just a by-product of his unhappiness/unfulfillment. but now i was emotionally involved. i mean, i’m ONLY human!
i was drawn to him because i found him fascinating (but i’m sure it had to do with daddy issues and an inclination to be attracted to unavailable dudes too) and i wanted a play thing too, just like he did. but more than anything, i wanted him to be the EXCEPTION to the rule. a concept he threw out to me when i’d been more cavalier about the whole situation. (i wanted to believe that i was special and that he really liked ME and his attention/crush on me was a unique situation. one that he’d never experienced. after all, there are no rules, right? weirder shit happens all the time, right? oh jesus. i knew i was lying to myself. he was getting in my head. fuck! i was so much better than this, so much smarter than this!) and yes, i didn’t feel safe with him… at all, and i never would. because the ideal man you fall in love with is one that makes you feel safe and is impeccable with his word, and this guy was NOT that guy. but this was a delicate dance i was willing to try… for at least a little while. some days i felt romantic. some days i felt annoyed. but mostly i was excited to be distracted and live in a grey zone for a bit. i tried to lie to myself and tell myself i was just as emotionally unavailable as him. but that was a lie. i was available. i could be available. and that was the most heartbreaking thing about all this… if i were allowed to, i would have loved to be completely FULL BLOWN in love with him! instead, i told myself that i was too busy and too smart to fall into this emotional death trap… at least whole heartedly… but i was falling more and more every day, against my better judgement.
i told myself it wouldn’t get hard for me or be hurtful for me as long as i knew that i couldn’t get vulnerable. but as tough as i pretend to be… i’m painfully vulnerable. and our phone calls, texts, and casual flirty asides just sucked me in more and did my head in. i liked him. i wanted to be with him. even though i’d never be able to trust him because the foundation of our relationship was cracked and the situation in which we’d met was shady. how did i let this happen?
there were moments i got sad about it; because had this been someone (just as funny and cute and inspiring) who was as free/available as me… it could have been the most wonderful, explosive, crazy, passionate, creative experience/union ever! with limitless possibilities for romance and adventure and epic sexxx. but this just wasn’t the case. at least it made me clear on what i longed for; what i craved and would hopefully find with someone else in the future… be it near or far. at least this unavailable person gave me a bittersweet taste of that… and i didn’t hate him for it. i was frustrated, but thankful. and maybe we would even at least be friends for a long time? (i doubt it.)
so, for whatever reason, i pushed logic aside because it’s what i felt compelled to get mixed up in. i needed to do this. and by ‘do this’ i just mean keep him in my life/be around him… even though i knew this wouldn’t end well (for me) and that he was really selfish to seek me out, get in my head, and play with my heart/affections… when ultimately, he’d NEVER be available to me.
but at that time in my life, i needed this distraction to get me to my NEXT distraction/life lesson. i needed a beautiful mind fuck. it’s not cheating if it’s MIND fucking… right?
as much as i hate missing my favorite weekly ritual, i have to cancel tonight so i can go out into the world and collect stories to write about in future posts! cuz if i don’t go out, get drunk, make-out, have sex, and have my pride/ego/vulnerability/and heart ripped out and turned upside down… how can i be a model for you to not be like?! i know! exactly!
but totally call in NEXT WEEK so we can discuss & solve all your love/life/dating problems
PS: you can always leave me a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045
where do you draw the line on being the other woman?
i’m constantly approached by sexy, confident men that offer a false sense of comfort and companionship, later to find out they have a girlfriend. am i meant to just go along with it, pretend i don’t know about her and take it as an experience? or, continue as i do, by walking away from him when confronted by the truth? so far, i’ve always walked away; but am i missing out on something? will it just end in tears and crushed love? or perhaps a fabulous affair?
being constantly left curious or wondering annoys me. i’m a dreamer, and i hope for greatness- i guess it emotionally marks me when i make the decision to abort- but sometimes, i don’t want to… i want to be with him. maybe we’d fall in love and be together. am i being too considerate of a relationship that is not my own? maybe she treated him badly, but then am i a rebound, a the knife that stabs her in the back?
or is he just an asshole and i’m lucky enough to get out before it’s tragic and cliché?
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Tyler, The Creator is the 21-year-old behind LA hip hop collective OFWGKTA.The subheadings on his Wikipedia page read like this: Early life; Music career (2009–present); Criticism (Homophobia, Misogyny); Legal issues; Feuds; Discography; Filmography; Awards and nominations. In other words, he’s a brilliant producer/rapper/artist/businessman, with a knack for pissing people off.
Alexi Wasser: [Into tape recorder] OK. I’m interviewing Tyler, The Creator. He’s texting—
Tyler: It’s Tyler.
Tyler, OK. Tyler’s still texting, and not only is he ignoring me, but he also almost picked a scab in front of me… [To Tyler] It’s OK if I assume this is a date, right?
[Finally stops texting] Sure.
So, you’re 21 years old.
Maybe. Well, legally. I don’t feel 21, though.
How old do you feel?
I don’t know. I stopped growing up at 17, probably. That’s when my mom moved away and I stopped being raised, so that makes perfect sense.
Are your parents separated?
No. I never had a dad, and my mom moved back out here this year.
Whaddya mean you never had a dad? She just got pregnant?
He died? How’d he die?
I don’t know.
You don’t know? You really don’t know? Why do I feel like I’m about to be lied to every step of the way during this interview? I heard you don’t like people to ask you about your song ‘Yonkers’. How come?
Because that song is annoying as fuck!
Why? Because it’s successful?
I also heard you get very annoyed when people compare you to Wu-Tang or Kanye. How come?
Because I’m not Wu-Tang; I’m not Kanye — even though he’s a cool guy. I talked to him the other day.
So, you like Kanye West?
Kanye West is cool. I’m a fan. He’s an artist. He understands it. He’s cool. He’ll be wearin’ leather pants — it’s weird — but other than that we talk about videos and art and other cool shit. I don’t know, he’s cool. I was emailing him the other day and … I was like, “Oh my gosh, I’m having a conversation with fucking Kanye!” I told him I was just filming my friend skating and putting montages together and he was like, “I can’t wait to see it. You really inspire me. Keep pushing.” To hear that from him was crazy, ’cause I grew up listening to him and I always wanted to do videos, and he’s one of the only artists who actually comes through with cool videos. So, to know that I inspire him — that’s awesome. He’s cool as fuck! Him and Lil Wayne — Lil Wayne’s a really big fan. We hung out in Miami and it was awesome, we skated and shit. It was really weird and awkward, though, because when he came to my show, I looked back at him and he was singing all the lyrics to just, like, album cuts. So, he’s a big fan. He supports us a lot.
Do you do tons of drugs?
No, I’ve never had a drink in my life. I mean, I troll people and tell people I do drugs, but truthfully I don’t. I’ve never had a drink in my life. I don’t smoke or anything.
I don’t know. It’s just not for me. I just don’t have to. Plus, growing up at the skate park, there were a lot of kids that had so much potential to be pro — like, they were my age and they could have been pro by the time they were, like, 20, and they just got caught up in the party and drinking life and now they’re failures. I vowed never, ever to become one of them. It’s just not me.
This has nothing to do with that, but… do you have a big private?
Um, I’ve had a girl say it was, once. I’ve never heard any complaints, so…
Do you have a girlfriend?
I’m 20, I’m a rapper, and that would be stupid.
That would be stupid.
I. Love. White. Women.
I love all women.
I also heard you don’t like being asked about your use of profanities — saying ‘faggot’ all the time, the N-word, being thought of as a misogynist, and talking about raping and murdering…
Yeah, it’s weird. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know why that matters.
OK. So, you use all those words and say all this crazy shit because…
It entertains me.
And the words hold no power?
Yeah, it just entertains me personally.
When people freak out about it, is it funny to you?
Yeah, I think it’s funny when people trip on it.
I just have to be clear here: you use the words faggot and rape and the N-word; you say all these buzz words. Do you not like gay people?
Dude, I have gay friends. I don’t fucking give a fuck about that shit. It’s just a fucking word. Being homophobic is being homophobic.
You’re not homophobic?
No. I don’t fucking give a fuck about that shit.
So, you’re just taking the power away from the words? To you it’s not that big of a deal?
Yeah, I don’t even think when I say this shit. I just say it ’cause it entertains me at the moment, and then people squirm and it’s like, “Oh my gosh. Like, stop fuckin’ crying.”
Do you have tons of shit to prove? Is that why you do what you do?
I don’t have anything to prove. I just like doing stuff.
Who do you hate?
I hate everyone except for a few select people.
Jason Dill is awesome.
You’re cool… I like your eyes, and that polkadot shirt’s awesome.
What’s your astrological sign?
I’m a Pisces.
Why do girls care about that shit, but guys don’t care about that shit?
I don’t know. Girls care a lot about shit. Like, they don’t… Like, my mom doesn’t know how to get to the point. You got to the point with this interview, though. I think that’s pretty cool.
Do you meet girls on Twitter and Facebook?
No, I don’t read my mentions on Twitter. I have Facebook, but it’s private, so only my friends can see anything I post. I hate Tumblr.
Being in Europe for two months with a broken foot, and being on a tour bus with people who just smoke weed and sit on Tumblr all day and don’t go outside and do anything. It just made me hate that shit. I don’t have one.
What do you think the public perception of you is? What do people who don’t know you think about you?
They… They think I’m really stupid, untalented, and I just rap crazy stuff, and I try too hard… I would also add ‘annoying’ to the list. Very annoying.
So, who are you really?
I don’t know. I’m a really, really smart, multi-talented almost-genius, who’s very annoying.
What have you noticed now that people recognise you?
Being famous isn’t that cool. I have to stop and take pictures; it’s not as fun as you think. But there are plus sides to it: I get a lot of free shit, I check off my goal list, and I can put money in all my friends’ pockets, which I always try to do.
Do you think a lot of your friends are mooching off you?
There’s no possible way my friends can mooch off me. I decide when I put money in their pockets, and I always try to give them opportunities. Always.
Do you think you’ll ever want kids?
Yeah. If I have a son I wanna name him Wolf, and if I have a daughter I wanna name her Salem.
Do you like the band Salem?
Yeah, they’re cool.
Have you ever made out with a dude?
Hell no? I thought you said you weren’t homophobic?
I’m not! But I’m not gonna make out with a dude.
What are you insecure about?
I think I could rap better, but I can do stuff other people can’t. And the shit that I can do makes up for what I lack. I can make a cool beat, put some shitty raps on it, make a cool video, and repeat that. Not everyone can do that. I wish I was 6’3″ — I’m 6’2″, but I wish I had that extra inch. Other than that, I’m good.
Give some advice to kids that look up to you and wanna be you.
Just be yourself. That’s my main thing. I don’t like people who aren’t themselves and [I don’t like people who] take the time out to please others. I don’t associate with people who do that. So, just be yourself and fuck other people’s opinions; no one’s opinion matters but yours. That’s how I live my life.