1. if your birth name sucks you should change it; first, middle, last, whatever! Don’t let your parents ineptitude bring you down too.
2. if you’re struggling with an intense drug addiction, and don’t know how to conquer it… just have a baby! Why should you have to deal with this all by yourself?
3. date guys who used to be fat and cute, who are now slender and gorgeous! they have no idea how good-looking they are cuz they still see the fat version of themselves in the mirror and are so grateful you love them! isn’t that great?! i know!
4. enough with the floor to ceiling windows at workout studios that allow pedestrians and cars driving by to peek inside/get a look at what’s happening inside! enough! it’s not right! i already don’t wanna work out. now i REALLY don’t wanna work out!
5. One of the most annoying things is when someone LOL’S at a text while sitting in a waiting room filled with people. FUCK YOU!!
6. if you’re a waiter or waitress and a patron your seating runs into a person they know, as HAPPY as the patron seems, do NOT seat them next to the person they know! that will make for a completely awkward and exhausting dining experience for everyone involved! always think two steps ahead! preferably ten. but then you wouldn’t be working at a restaurant.
7. show up to parties in pajama’s and then pretend you were told it was a pajama party: ‘oh my gawd! somebody texted me this was a pajama costume party! i can’t believe this! i was lied to! how embarrassing!’ and then proceed to have the best time ever in comfort city, mingling in your silk jammy jam set! suckersssss!
8. girls: NEVER say ‘i love you’ first! that is a man’s job! sometimes it’s all he’s got!
9. just because he uses all caps in his text to you doesn’t mean he’s making an effort and REALLY likes you! don’t be fooled like i was! apparently, all you have to do is double-click the uppercase arrow on the iPhone and you can write in all caps! it’s meaningless! meaningless!
10. ever notice how the guys you totally DON’T like and brush off almost ALWAYS fall in love with you? try this as a dating experiment and let me know how it goes: treat the guys you like the way you treat guys you don’t like. for example: don’t be so available, take longer to return texts, don’t be so accommodating, etc.