the blind leading the blind (part 97):

1. if your birth name sucks you should change it; first, middle, last, whatever! Don’t let your parents ineptitude bring you down too.

2. if you’re struggling with an intense drug addiction, and don’t know how to conquer it… just have a baby! Why should you have to deal with this all by yourself?

3. date guys who used to be fat and cute, who are now slender and gorgeous! they have no idea how good-looking they are cuz they still see the fat version of themselves in the mirror and are so grateful you love them! isn’t that great?! i know!

4. enough with the floor to ceiling windows at workout studios that allow pedestrians and cars driving by to peek inside/get a look at what’s happening inside! enough! it’s not right! i already don’t wanna work out. now i REALLY don’t wanna work out!

5. One of the most annoying things is when someone LOL’S at a text while sitting in a waiting room filled with people. FUCK YOU!!

6. if you’re a waiter or waitress and a patron your seating runs into a person they know, as HAPPY as the patron seems, do NOT seat them next to the person they know! that will make for a completely awkward and exhausting dining experience for everyone involved! always think two steps ahead! preferably ten. but then you wouldn’t be working at a restaurant.

7. show up to parties in pajama’s and then pretend you were told it was a pajama party: ‘oh my gawd! somebody texted me this was a pajama costume party! i can’t believe this! i was lied to! how embarrassing!’ and then proceed to have the best time ever in comfort city, mingling in your silk jammy jam set! suckersssss!

8. girls: NEVER say ‘i love you’ first! that is a man’s job! sometimes it’s all he’s got!

9. just because he uses all caps in his text to you doesn’t mean he’s making an effort and REALLY likes you! don’t be fooled like i was! apparently, all you have to do is double-click the uppercase arrow on the iPhone and you can write in all caps! it’s meaningless! meaningless!

10. ever notice how the guys you totally DON’T like and brush off almost ALWAYS fall in love with you? try this as a dating experiment and let me know how it goes: treat the guys you like the way you treat guys you don’t like. for example: don’t be so available, take longer to return texts, don’t be so accommodating, etc.

 

tonight: ‘Boycrazy Radio’ w/ Ariel Pink!

tonight/wednesday october 3, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

with special guest Ariel Pink!

click here to listen

DON’T BE SHY! call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/sex/dating/life problems!

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

&

follow me on twitter while you’re at it: @imboycrazy

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

Halloween Fever: Welcome to October!

Halloween 2012: Things to Experience!

•Go to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights as many times as possible! (w/ front of line passes ONLY!) (also, it’s ok to eat a churro & a soft pretzel w/ mustard.)

•Go on the Haunted Hayride at Griffith Park in Los Angeles!

•Check out Disneyland & the Halloween thing they do.

•Avoid Knot’s Scary Farm. It sux! Remember?!

•Pop into Hollywood Toys & Costumes just to feel the Halloweeny vibes.

•Have a scary movie marathon slumber party. Incorporate a Ouija board & the game ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board’.

•Go to as many Halloween house parties as possible!

•Take in the charming sight that is lil kidz trick or treating… But not in a way that makes you seem like a pervert.

•Try to go trick or treating in a fancy area/flat neighborhood with good decorations- even though you’re kind of a grown up.

•Go to a pumpkin patch.

•Commit to carving a pumpkin, even though it’s totally sloppy and dangerous! Then bake the seeds with lawery’s seasoning salt on them!

•Go to  ‘Sleep No More’ in NYC.

•Go to ‘Black Out Haunted House’ in NY & LA.

If I forgot to mention anything, please add YOUR Halloween/October suggestions in the comment section! xoxo

Follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

tonight: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ (let’s get personal)

 

tonight/wednesday september 26, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

click here to listen

DON’T BE SHY! call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/sex/dating/life problems!

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

&

follow me on twitter while you’re at it: @imboycrazy

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

30 ways to ensure people won’t like you:

1. tell someone they look tired.

2. drive past a girl who’s walking by herself and tell her girl to smile.

3. when your girlfriend says she’s not feeling well, tell her that her symptoms make it sound as though she may be pregnant, even if they don’t!

4. look at someone’s food in a judgmental way for a beat before you say, ‘wow, that’s a lot of food! you’re gonna eat all that?’

5. ask a stranger at a restaurant what they’re having for lunch and point your finger so close to their food you’re almost touching it with your dirty finger.

6. always show up late and don’t apologize or make any reference to it.

7. try to have anal sex with a girl after she tells you she’s not into it.

8.  while at a movie theatre, check your phone as much as possible: instagram, tweet, text, email- why limit yourself? and do this all with a super bright screen.

9. when meeting someone new, don’t ask anything about them, only talk about yourself.

10. be rude to a waitress or anyone in the service industry. doing this on a first date is especially good for ensuring no second date or sex.

11. tip poorly.

12. constantly refer to yoga, your higher power, or your therapist when all someone said to you was ‘hi. what’s new?’

13. while in public, be super aggressively opinionated. especially in front of people you’ve just met & are trying to impress. for example: your date’s friends or family.

14. always claim to know it all or have a general ‘know it all’ vibe that leaves you closed off and unwilling to talk to other people about their opinions, ideas, or point of view. listen to someone’s story and then reply with a story that shows just how much more you know on that subject.

15. leave your baby unattended, just plopped on top of the community table at m cafe, droopy diaper bum and all, just assuming people will watch your child for you- without even asking.

16. quote borat or Austin powers. not ironically.

17. be overly precious, sensitive, serious, and/or politically correct.

18. talk about your allergy to wheat or gluten without any sense of humor or self-awareness.

19. refuse to wear a condom.

20.  cheat.

21. be incapable of taking a hint.

22. be racist.

23. be homophobic.

24. get angry/defensive very easily and start fights when you feel the slightest bit insecure.

25. don’t tell someone you have a std before you have sex with them.

26. tell someone you’ll do something and then don’t do it.

27. offer advice to people who didn’t ask for it.

28. be an OVERT social climber.

29. only be nice to people when it serves you.

30. be sarcastic all the time.

•if you have one that i’ve yet to mention, please submit in the comment section. 

•follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 4):

 

(continued from HERE)

the rapper and i puffed our cigars. i hoped he couldn’t tell i was turning green. in a bold move that only an insecure drunk white girl with bangs and sloppy eyeliner can make, thinking i was playing it cool and coming off as artfully bizarre and interesting- i switched tactics/decided to up the ante of my approach: i casually told the rapper that i’d never had an orgy before and that if he wanted, he should include me in whatever antics he was gonna get into later with the hired escorts.

it didn’t end there. i thought it would be helpful to paint a specific picture for him and suggested we all get a hotel room, a lot of champagne and get ‘way weird’. he seemed into it! OMG! i was so lucky! i mean, the night just could NOT end without me giving it my all in my quest to bed a rapper. who knows when i’d have this chance again?! i mean, i know i could actively seek out sleeping with rappers, but that’s just not my style. who has the time? i mean, that would be embarrassing. i prefer when opportunities to embarrass myself fall in my lap!

i sat on his lap while we sat around a table chatting with some guy with an accent. when i asked the guy with the accent what his name was, the rapper said ‘you don’t know who that is?’ i didn’t. but when i found out, i couldn’t believe it. this was my lucky day! i couldn’t believe it! what a babe! it was as if my vision board came to life. that was a joke. kind of. i know what i sound like. just stay with me. accent guy was/is a very well-known Scottish actor. tall and handsome, rugged good looks. he’d just been on the cover of all the tabloids having been released from rehab. why was he at this party then surrounded by all this temptation?

i asked accent guy to stand up so i could asses his height. that’s a big deal for me. i like men to be taller than me. it’s my issue/my problem. i know this. it just makes me feel small, and therefore more feminine. how dare you?! anyway, he stood up and we went from standing back to back, rubbing our bums together, to standing face to face- looking into eacothers eyes. i asked if he was drinking, he said no. oh phew! good for him!

a girl got up to get a champagne. immediately, without thinking or meaning to, i turned MYSELF into accent guy’s enabler and said: ‘will you get me a champagne too?’

accent guy/Scottish movie star: ‘i’m not getting you a champagne.’
me: ‘how come?’
Scotland: ‘if you were fucking me, i’d get you a champagne.’
me: ‘but how do you ever expect me to fuck you if you don’t get me a champagne.’

out of nowhere, the fedora guy from earlier swooped in: he whispered in my ear, told me he wasn’t leaving the party without my phone number and handed me a pen and a piece of paper. as if this moment were choreographed, i wrote down my info and told him to call me tomorrow. he scampered off. how exciting! wait, he was cute right? yeah, he was cute! i felt like i was in a movie. the night was so sexy. i mean, how could it go wrong?

the movie star/accent guy, the rapper and the prostitutes (whoops, i mean high-class escorts) all got up. the party was in a transitional state. a wave of thoughts and feeling flooded over me: ‘oh no! why? i was getting cozy! we were making a company move? that would take so much effort. house parties are great!’ but people wanted to go see some ‘it’ band play at some small hollywood club.

the rapper took me by the hand and we left the party. but wait, what was i gonna do with my car? i told the valet that i wanted to leave my car there; that i was too drunk to drive. but the valet said ‘no’ and brought my car up for me. wtf? there was no way i was gonna drive. i don’t do that. this was as close to a stupid (car & alcohol related) situation as i was gonna get. fuck! why didn’t i take a cab like i USUALLY do?!

so how did i remedy the sitch? instead of getting into the rappers escalade, his huge brother (not in the slang sense, but in the actual blood related sense) who must have been over 200 pounds and like 6’9 – crammed himself into my prius and drove my car to the club. it was the cutest thing i’d ever seen! to the naked eye: he was big, he was black, and  he looked like a scary thug! but in reality: he was the sweetest teddy bear of a guy (who lived in the valley and had probably murdered someone).

now that i think about it, i’m pretty sure he was wearing cargo pants. whatever THAT means. he listened as i explained how to use the push button start and as i yammered on about how ‘surely no rapper would wanna sexxx me, cuz i don’t have an ass and i’m all white and weird-looking and not a rappers demo! i don’t look like kim k or coco!’ but 6’9 was so encouraging. he told me that if i took him back to my place, he’d TOTALLY fuck me! i appreciated that, but i said we should probs keep with our original plan and go to the club. so off we went, just me and a 200 and something pound rappers bro/entourage dude in cargo pants that i’d never met before who was  now driving my car. off we went to da klub… (to be continued)

ALEXI RECOMMENDS:

dude of the day: ISAAC! (women & their stories)

THIS THURSDAY IN LOS ANGELES…

 

0S & 1S 

This Thursday, September 20th, playing at the Los Feliz 3 @9:40PM

Buy your tickets HERE

Watch the trailer HERE

“0s & 1s may be the ultimate has-to-be-seen-more-than-once movie.” - Neil Genzlinger, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“Smartly made and completely funny! Does a tremendous job of capturing the hysteria of social media.” - Lena Dunham (GIRLS, TINY FURNITURE)

0S & 1S (pronounced “Zeros and Ones”) is a visually audacious comedy about our obsession and overreliance on the very screen you’re looking at now. Spinning the LA sounds of No Age, Ariel Pink, Wavves, Mika Miko, Abe Vigoda and more, Eugene Kotlyarenko’s savvy directorial debut makes its Los Angeles theatrical premiere September 20th.
Tapping into our familiarity with the language of the digital age (IM chats, widgets, virus warnings), 0S & 1S tells the deceptively simple, highly energetic story of James Pongo (Morgan Krantz) and his Computer. Pongo’s got a cushy job, a busy social life, and an alluring love interest all coming at him right through his portable devices. When he wakes up after a night of partying to discover his laptop is missing, Pongo’s hyper-connected reality takes a nosedive. Now he must do everything in his power to figure out who stole his livelihood and get his life back.
83 minutes. In English. Presented in Blu-ray. Unrated.

*** Q&A with director EUGENE KOTLYARENKO after the show

“A riot of pop-up screens that ape everything from Facebook to first-person shooters, Kotlyarenko’s film makes visible the invisible presence that defines our everyday social encounters.” - Andrew Schenker, THE VILLAGE VOICE

“Has a compulsive ADD vibrancy to it…a completely inventive narrative technique.” - Jonah Green, THE HUFFINGTON POST

BE THERE! I WILL! 

ALEXI RECOMMENDS:



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