1. instagram etiquette is PRETTY simple: post no more than TWO photos back to back! otherwise you seem like a total asshole who thinks you’re SO GOOD! plus, you TOTALLY clog up the feed!
2. you know you’ve had a super fun, eventful night out on the town when you go to bed/sleep without taking off your makeup. i mean, you’ll regret it for sure… but you HAD TO! it was a WILD NIGHT!
3. it’s really easy to get stuck in your head. i know this first hand. so sometimes you have to remember certain things in order to put life in perspective. you have to reframe the world for yourself. here are some sentences that help me when i get stuck in my brain: “we’re all gonna die, it’s just a matter of when and how, so don’t be so concerned with what people think of you. this time here isn’t forever, so there’s no time to be so self-conscious or concerned about others liking/not liking you.”
4. just as sure as i am that your skin will look nicer after you’ve been sitting in the dark of a theatre for hours seeing a movie; Advil PM rots you from the inside out and makes your face look sleepy, grey, weathered, and old.
5. sometimes i look at who the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, successful, famous, wealthy women are dating…. and i think: “THAT’s who they’re dating? I’m fucked!” the pool is small.
6. girls: working out together and then binge eating at a self-congratulatory/celebratory brunch afterwards negates the ENTIRE workout! this is why i don’t believe in exercise OR friends!
7. yes, we get it: texting is amazing. it provides everything: from self-worth, to the elimination of loneliness, to information about work, love, relationships, dating , friendship, etc…it’s so wonderful! I’m addicted to it too! but when you’re standing in the middle of an aisle at target, or blocking me from backing out of a parking spot- so enthralled in texting that you’re ruining or at least affecting other people’s lives in a negative way and you have a fucking smirk on your face cuz you’re so amused by the correspondence you’re having that it’s preventing you from seeing what’s going on in front of/around you… it makes you very unlikable. some might even want to punch you in the face for being so un self-aware and selfish. but not me. i’m way too zen. i’ll just vent about it via my blawg.
8. ask yourself this: are you truly open and wanting to fall in love and be in a relationship with the right person… OR are you just addicted to the search and the minute it gets too real you run in the opposite direction and make up a million excuses because real intimacy is not for you?
9. if the ONLY thing good about the guy you’re dating is that he takes his d**k out of your mouth BEFORE he ejaculates (which is the mark of a true gentleman in this day and age – unless you two are in a serious relationship) it’s time to start looking for a new guy.
why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?
i recently had sex on a first date.
here’s why i feel bad: i know that I’m too special and precious and smart to let some guy just put his dick in me, even though we barely know each other, cuz that’s what he wants. i don’t want to give myself away so easily. at least, I’d prefer not too. but i did it anyway. i gave in. i caved. i was easy. i wasn’t even dying for sex! (i can’t stand the word ‘horny’) So there wasn’t even the payoff of feeling relieved and gratified afterwords/sexually satiated. (wait, does that mean it was BAD sex too? if it were good, would it have felt gratifying in another way? god dammit! this is such a multi layered bummer!)
here’s why i don‘t feel bad: i don’t like the dude, but sex feels good and I had nothing to lose cuz i don’t wanna date him anyways… although i HAVE had experiences where I’ve had first date sex and we went on to date seriously.
Q: why did i do it though if i could have just as easily been watching tv and eating pretzels?
A: I’d had a few drinks, I let him come up to my place, we got naked and I felt obligated. I should have just kissed him in the car and at the bar and left it at that. I didn’t take care of myself/check in with myself to see where I wanted the night to go. Instead, I went on auto pilot. (alcohol & boredom). And by the time we were rolling around naked and kissing in my bedroom: I came from him going down on me, and wanted him to cum and now that I’ve had sex enough in my lifetime, i decided it was just easier to let him get off while fucking me. i didn’t even see the point of giving him a blow job to end the experience, or mutually masturbate. we’d both already gone down on each other… so now the finishing may as well be something we can both enjoy. i mean, oral sex is still sex, unprotected, and involves fluids! ahhhh! in reality, an unprotected blowjob is way more intimate and seems much more dangerous than protected sex. (but i’m talking about sex where the dude’s wearing a condom and pulls out before he cums inside me. how dare you?!)
the aftermath that left me sad was this: what i lacked in the end wasn’t my self-respect. no. it was the lack of meeting a guy whose shoulder i wanted to put my head on. it was the lack of having the arms of someone i wanted to be held by. it was the lack of my interest in his life, the humor in his jokes. he was fine, but i felt dead inside and way too self-aware about it all. i’m a romantic. but other times i’m cold. maybe that just means i’m with the wrong person. oh shit, duh. i want a guy to be in love with me, but i’m jut as unavailable as the men whose love i crave but who don’t love me. but i get upset when i don’t get to reject someone first- i get upset when i give myself over to them and with that, potentially my power. well, hopefully some lesson was learned here. probably not though. on to the next. i’ll try to cope using advice from my various friends & ex boyfriends i texted while taking a bath after the guy i sexxed left and i’d locked the door behind him:
various texts from friends and ex’s talking me off the ledge:
1. don’t feel bad! you’re a baller vixen. you can be in as much control as you want to be. it’s not about your vagina, it’s about your brain. (from an ex)
2. don’t be hard on yourself. you thrive off experience and impulse. think of it this way: your brain is spinning more now after having unfulfilling sex than it probably would be from having not put out. i give my dick to plenty of unworthy people, but i only give my heart, eyes, and brain to people who matter. so chillax you wonderful soul, that guy will wish you’d fuck him again and you won’t. you win. and part of what makes you great are these weird reflections that this bullshit causes you to have. you’re one of the few women i’ve ever encountered who even if you fucked someone you met 25 min prior- you come off as the winner. it’s an admirable and enviable freedom you exhibit. and you think about and are in tune to how that affects you. (from an ex)
3. don’t worry about it. gay men have sex on the first date to make sure the chemistry’s good! you’re like a gay man! and gay guys are the best! (from a girlfriend)
4. As my mom says ‘bonobo monkeys know best- and sex is the most therapeutic thing you can do for your body.’ So REALLY it was just a therapy session last night. : ) (from a girlfriend)
5. Totally. I got you. I totally understand. I’ve def been in the same position. But it’s all meant to be. Maybe you needed to do it for some reason. To get your head back into work or whatever reason… (from a girlfriend)
6. do you want to come over? (from an ex)
7. do you want me to come over? (from a guy i thought was my friend, but who i now know wants to sexxx me)
oh wait. reading this back, i just answered my own question. the answer was in the question:
“why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?”
From now on, i will listen to my therapist and learn from the point he made when he said ‘would you have had sex with him if you hadn’t been drinking alcohal?’ and my answer was ‘no’.
Update: by the next afternoon i was fine. and yeah, he called. he asked me out again. i didn’t go out with him though. i chose not to. and i did learn a lesson from this: no sex or even dating unless i’m REALLY excited about someone. cuz even then you take the chance of spiralling & heartbreak. but at least THEN it’s for someone you felt was worth it.
HERE’S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU TO SPIRAL TO! YOU’RE NEVER ALONE; BUT THIS MUSIC CAN HOLD YOUR HAND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE NOBODY ELSE WILL)
1. you know you don’t love him, or even like him very much, if before having sex you think: ‘ugh, but i JUST washed my sheets!’
2. while kissing a guy, if he happens to taste like heroin or gets a flake of speed in your mouth… it’s time to move on.
3. nothing good ever happens at 7-11. stay away from that place!
4. one of the most brutal things to drive past in los angeles is someone getting their headshots taken outdoors. that’s what INDOORS is for.
5. you know you’re boycrazy when you find a pair of boxer shorts in your bedroom and you’re not exactly sure who they might belong to.
6. you know a guy’s a bonehead/loser/prick when you’re going to visit him in NY and he says ‘can you not come during fashion week? maybe the week after?’
7. only date guys who have never been married, with no kids, brothers, sisters, dogs, cats, pets in general, who are not close with their mom OR dad. this will keep you from having to compete with potentially annoying/powerful influences in their life. hopefully these lack of ties don’t mean he’s a serial killer, workaholic, or drug addict. but isn’t his not having a dog and or an overbaring parent/sibling/child/ex worth taking that chance? i thought so!
8. if you don’t have the time or money to go on a trip, just go to a new part of the city you live in that you’ve never been to! i live in LA and am contemplating visiting Santa Monica and/or Reseda! exhilarating!
9. Girls: Just because you had sex with a guy doesn’t mean you have to crumble and spiral and give all your power away to him. It’s ok to still be happy, confident, strong, and to remember who you are/keep your self-worth afterwards. and if that’s hard for you or not possible, then don’t have sex with a dude; at least not until you feel really comfortable with him and secure with your decision to sexxx him. cuz even THEN you take the chance of him never calling you again or him losing interest. it’s scary out there and nothing’s guaranteed… so you have to check in with yourself and take care of you.
10. i know they feel cozy and safe, but getting back together/having sex with an ex is a recipe for disaster and what i refer to as ‘moving backwards’. trust your intuition/initial decision. it didn’t work out for a reason!
Hanna Rosin talks candidly to Dr Brooke Magnanti about why having relationships pose more of a threat to women than men, and sex, her favourite bit of her new book: The End of Men.
Hanna Rosin talks about women avoiding relationships when they are younger so they can stay in control of their careers, in her book ‘The End of Men and The Rise of Women’.
By Dr Brooke Magnanti, formerly known as the Belle de Jour
I first meet Hanna Rosin just before she takes the stage at Chicago Ideas Week. It’s an intimate theatre, the audience polite and attentive as this small, neatly dressed woman takes the stage. She stands right at the front and delivers a devastating account of what has happened to traditional masculinity in recent decades, and especially, since the recessions of the last few years.
It’s an emotive topic. “I don’t think the changes I describe are ‘good’ or ‘bad’,” Rosin explains, pre-empting the critics. “They are new and confusing though.” Yet the audience is accepting of the message, even friendly. When she gets to the video of her young daughter holding forth on ‘Why Girls Rock’, they are leaning forward in their seats, nodding and laughing. By the time she tells us about the sorority girl who declared “men are the new ball and chain,” the audience is eating out of her hand. As much as her new book The End of Men has attracted criticism, there is something in this we all recognise instinctively: manhood is not what it used to be. And no one knows entirely where it’s going.