thank you to Live Fast magazine for interviewing me about my take on the current state of love & dating:
Alexi Wasser is a writer, actress, comedian & creator of the popular blog imboycrazy.com. She hosts an advice driven podcast every Wednesday night at 9 PM called ‘Boycrazy Radio‘ with people calling in from all over the world to ask her (and guests) for advice. She describes herself as the big sister you never knew you wanted and maybe even kinda like your friends cool older sister you jerk off to? As inappropriate and crazy as it sounds, Alexi speaks at high schools and colleges around the country serving as a mentor who inspires teens, tweens, and twenty somethings to be the best version of themselves they can possibly be, to dream big, and to avoid making the same mistakes she did. She writes for magazines, has tv shows she’s created in development, and is always collecting experiences that she can regret/learn from/and write about. Follow her on Instagram & Twitter @AlexiWasser.
LF: Let’s start with love and social media. Do’s and don’ts. Too many couple selfies? TMI? Fighting on Facebook?
AW: I don’t mind pda or photos of couples on insta or fb, but the funny thing you have to deal with post break up is having your dating history out there for all to see & more importantly… The NEW person you’re dating. after breakups, i’ll always take a moment and wonder if I should take down all the pix of me and my ex, while we were in love. But then I just leave them. It seems too aggressive to remove it; like it would be insulting to my ex & his friends/family and it would hurt my feelings if an ex took down photos of ME that he’d posted. It’s cooler to just do nothing. But everyone has to do what feels right for them. Here’s what people DON’T wanna see on any of your profiles: food pix, you in a fedora, and… that’s all I can think of right now. I actually encourage posting selfies. No matter what people tell you, selfies get likes. And personally, I believe that not posting selfies means you don’t like yourself. It’s the modern equivalent of showing you have self esteem.
LF: Do you think that because of social media, dating apps, and Tinder, people get relationship ADD?
AW: I think there’s an overall ADD that’s happening with all aspects of life nowadays, not just with relationships. That’s why it’s so important to be mindful of balancing technology with real life social interaction. The whole concept of “there’s always something better” is nothing new, but having all these profiles and photos and pictures at our fingertips does add to the ADD but in a way more intense way. However, depending on where you’re at emotionally/spiritually in life, it could also make you feel more lonely or overwhelmed by choice & crave the simplicity of a genuine connection with one person irl. All that matters is you know what you’re looking for and that when you meet somebody you like, you find out if you’re on the same page & whether or not you two want the same thing.
LF: You and I have talked about this before, what are your thoughts on open relationships? Can they work? A path set up for failure? is it shading monogamy? Is it a millennial dating tactic to continuously see what’s out there without penalty?
AW: Open relationships are nothing new either. It’s not something millennial’s came up with. The thing is, I’m not into open relationships– I’d rather be single or with someone that I want to be monogamous with- but all that matters is that the two people in the relationship agree to the terms of that relationship, so they’re both on the same page. I totally accept if that’s what two people want for themselves in a relationship. it’s none of my business. They just have to be on the same page and be willing to communicate if/when they’re not into it anymore and check in with one another. It all comes down to communication. I mean, they’re also probably going to hell, but, like… I’m not religious, so they can take that up with God on their own time. Not my problem.
LF: What men want vs what women want. What what do you think is the center of this Venn diagram?
AW: Who knows? I’m sure at a core level, we both want the same things? To feel heard, understood, safe, loved, less alone; to laugh & be inspired. It’s such a personal thing. So subjective.
Sometimes even if you think you know what you want, you really don’t know until you meet someone and feel the feeling that feels good, a feeling you want to maintain.
I love being single & I love being in love. There’s so much stuff to do: Friends, family, career, trying new things, exercise, dating, traveling, restaurants to try, books to read, things to write, learning things. For me the goal is to keep moving until you meet someone so undeniable that you have to be with them and then move together.
There’s no such thing as a perfect person. You hope to find someone that’s perfect for you; someone you have a willingness to endure with, who wakes you up inside and makes you feel passionate.
I’ve never been with anybody just for the sake of being with somebody. My friends used to think I threw people away too easy but actually, I pay attention to my intuition and I don’t stay in something that’s wrong for me once I’ve noticed that it’s not working. usually there’s a struggling period of about 2 ½ weeks where I’m stressed & confused about the relationship and talking about it with anybody & everybody who’ll listen including the checkers at whole foods and Starbucks until I reach my verdict, realize I’m unhappy, and make the call.
LF: “The lack of aggressive guys.” The number 1 complaint from most of my girlfriends is that they have to make the first move. I think it’s sexy when someone knows what they want and go for it. Are guys scared of girls or just being polite/lazy?
AW: Yes, I can see how men are becoming more effeminate these days. It’s a sign of the times. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think it’s all part of the paradigm shift that’s happening now. maybe it’s not that the girls have to initiate, maybe it’s the fact that we live in a time where no one has any patience. Something I’m doing differently now is I’m waiting to see what comes towards me. I’m letting men initiate. But I have to be patient for the right person to initiate. Not everyone’s going to do that and it’s fine to be single and alone and not on the prowl and always trying to make something happen. It’s important to have hobbies and things that inspire you. spend time with your friends and family and focus on your career and yourself. Something will naturally flow into your life that’s worth waiting for. I promise.
LF: Second biggest complaint is the ‘texting game’ – guys taking forever to text you back. Is this move working? Is it just rude. What is even going on with this?
AW: Um, if a person wants to contact you… they will find you. Simple as that. Expect more from human beings. The guys who aren’t texting aren’t the guys you should be waiting around for or lusting after. If you expect to be treated a certain way, only hang with men who treat you that way, who are kind and respectful who don’t play games and actually like you. They exist. I promise. A lot of them are good looking with cool outfits and big privates too! Isn’t that exciting?! I know! Don’t engage with people who don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. Put your attention on something else. These losers shouldn’t even register with you. If you have self worth, you will start attracting what you think you’re worth.
LF: What turns you on/off the most about men?
AW: Turn on: Gets ‘it’, funny, smart, driven, Confident (in life & in bed), good communicator, good simple effortless style, kind, loving, not judgmental, not sarcastic, curiosity & openness to life, nice hands, smells good (aka I’m into his pheromones), likes cats, loves his mom. Not mean.
Turn offs: The opposite of everything I just said I was turned on by.
LF: Confusing lust for love? Any advice on how to tell them apart?
AW: Time will be the decider. you will wake from the lust phase and it’ll all become clear. Wear a condom. And don’t say I love you or make a baybay too soon. Please.
LF: Biggest mistake you ever made in a relationship?
AW: I have no regrets. Oh wait, spoke too soon: jealousy, playing games, being angry based on nothing, testing a guy to see how much he loved me & could handle. Um, but like, i’m TOTALLY healthy now. That was the OLD me.
Unfortunately though, even seeing a therapist and doing all the self work you can do on your own… Nothing brings up your deep seeded issues more than being IN a relationship and seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. It’s then that you have to face yourself, cuz you’re made to be so vulnerable.
LF: Best piece of dating advice you’ve learned.
AW: Be kind, you never have to do anything you don’t want to do, never be afraid to say no, have fun, dress to impress.
You’re never alone… especially if you sit in front of photobooth 24/7.
If & when you discover that you’re no longer into the person you’re dating, don’t waste either one of your time, be honest & get out of it as soon as possible in the most charming & diplomatic way possible. the goal is to not be irresponsible with anyone’s feelings, including your own. maybe/hopefully remain friends.
Date as many people as you want, but recognize it can be quite an energy drain and take away from your energy put towards more productive endeavors.
Personally, I think it’s irresponsible & dangerous to sleep with more than one person while you’re single; emotionally & health wise. but I’ve TOTALLY done it. I’m speaking from experience. That’s why I’ve graduated to only dating & sleeping with one person at a time, that way I can see it through and then move onto the next thing if/when I’m over it. At least I will have given that person a solid chance.
Wow, I wonder what the old me would’ve thought of this if she were reading it. ha!
Actually, just watch this video: