1. be inspired by the fact that Andrew WK is STILL partying?!
2. you know she’s not into you if she eats the bread when you take her out to dinner. either thator she’s just comfortable in her skin and hungry. but who wants to date THAT girl? i know!
3. instagram etiquette: don’t ‘like’ anything with over 300 ‘likes’. it’s way embarrassing! and if you even consider liking an image that already has THOUSANDS of likes… you’re a loser follower. come on! don’t do that to yourself!
4. always be sucking on a red lollipop. it’s even cooler than ordering a drink at a bar! just roll into a club or a party with a red lolly! it totally gives you an effortless, chic, above it all, can’t be bothered vibe. you know that vibe, right? i know! so cool! but try not to trip and choke on said pretentious lolly. #lolitasexy #subconscious conscious inadvertent sex appeal.
5. always be in the bathtub. metaphorically speaking. #stateofmind #wayoflife
6. los angeles etiquette: when in public, never EVER mention having seen someone in an acting class… ESPECIALLY if they’re with people. it’s the equivalent of punching them in the face and then making out with their mom… in front of them. #cringeworthy #awkward
7. pepper had its moment. but it’s over. it’s all about salt now. it’s ALWAYS been all about salt. sorry pepper.
8. when it comes to today’s youth, i think the goal is obvious and has always been clear: write a book that gets sold at urban outfitters.
9. remember: if you pick at the pimples on your head, hidden beneath your hair, and (god forbid) you ever go bald… you’re gonna have all these unnecessary, yucky pock marks on your noggin. PLUS you’ll be BALD! so don’t do it. you’re great!
10. girls: your good looks won’t last forever. for real! we’re all gonna age (if we’re lucky) and then we’re all gonna die! so figure out what you want for your life career wise NOW! the clock is ticking! develop a personality! be more than your looks! figure out what your contribution to the world during your time on this planet is going to be! and choose something that makes you happy!
1. The following words are uber gross and leave a lingering feeling of yuck. Please try your hardest to NOT use them: chill, funky, booty, booty call, bootylicious, pirate booty, freebie, dope, the phrase ‘cool beans’, a word that describes male genitalia that rhymes with ‘prolong’- and the word is not ‘dong’ even though THAT word sucks too, the bodily function word ‘f**t’, yummy, delicious, moist, panties, amaze-balls, blog, sick, and peace-out. unfortunately some of the most talented and successful people use these words and phrases, but it doesn’t mean you have to! Stop the cycle.
2. When dating a guy you are not in a committed relationship with, DO NOT have unprotected sex! technically you should never have unprotected sex, but obviously people say one thing and do another behind closed doors. and yes, things change when people are in a committed relationship (and not cheating) or a baby is trying to be made, but letting a guy fuck you when both of you are casually dating/in an open relationship/and have the option of sleeping with other people… you are being a fucking idiot who could totally well get a std, or pregnant!
3. Losing momentum when you’ve just started dating someone can ruin a possible love story.
4. Don’t stop seeing a guy/girl prematurely if you’re unsure. Hold yourself accountable before you run from a new person in your life. It’s one thing if it doesn’t work cuz of chemistry, but quite another if you’re not letting something that could be great for you happen cuz of your hang ups and insecurities.
5. If you knock on my door, and I’m not expecting you… You’ll be waiting forever.
6. Sometimes the most moving thing about the song is the fact that a boy is singing about his feelings.
7. A guy who won’t kiss you with tongue after you’ve given him a blow job is lame. I’m talking about both scenarios: having orgasm’d or not. But he’s THE MOST lame if he didn’t even cum in your mouth and it was only part of foreplay before sexxxing.
8. Girls (see above) it’s also totally lame if you have a problem with kissing a dude after he’s just gone down on you. Push those hang ups aside and get crazy/sloppy!
9. If you’re not invited to a party and have nowhere to go- just hang out at a bevmo on a Saturday and wait til someone invites you to the party they’reshopping for.
10. People of LA: hanging out at the ‘Bourgeois Pig’ on Franklin and/or ‘Stir Crazy’ on Melrose is embarrassing and either means you’re a loser OR at least surroundedby losers.
1. instagram etiquette is PRETTY simple: post no more than TWO photos back to back! otherwise you seem like a total asshole who thinks you’re SO GOOD! plus, you TOTALLY clog up the feed!
2. you know you’ve had a super fun, eventful night out on the town when you go to bed/sleep without taking off your makeup. i mean, you’ll regret it for sure… but you HAD TO! it was a WILD NIGHT!
3. it’s really easy to get stuck in your head. i know this first hand. so sometimes you have to remember certain things in order to put life in perspective. you have to reframe the world for yourself. here are some sentences that help me when i get stuck in my brain: “we’re all gonna die, it’s just a matter of when and how, so don’t be so concerned with what people think of you. this time here isn’t forever, so there’s no time to be so self-conscious or concerned about others liking/not liking you.”
4. just as sure as i am that your skin will look nicer after you’ve been sitting in the dark of a theatre for hours seeing a movie; Advil PM rots you from the inside out and makes your face look sleepy, grey, weathered, and old.
5. sometimes i look at who the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, successful, famous, wealthy women are dating…. and i think: “THAT’s who they’re dating? I’m fucked!” the pool is small.
6. girls: working out together and then binge eating at a self-congratulatory/celebratory brunch afterwards negates the ENTIRE workout! this is why i don’t believe in exercise OR friends!
7. yes, we get it: texting is amazing. it provides everything: from self-worth, to the elimination of loneliness, to information about work, love, relationships, dating , friendship, etc…it’s so wonderful! I’m addicted to it too! but when you’re standing in the middle of an aisle at target, or blocking me from backing out of a parking spot- so enthralled in texting that you’re ruining or at least affecting other people’s lives in a negative way and you have a fucking smirk on your face cuz you’re so amused by the correspondence you’re having that it’s preventing you from seeing what’s going on in front of/around you… it makes you very unlikable. some might even want to punch you in the face for being so un self-aware and selfish. but not me. i’m way too zen. i’ll just vent about it via my blawg.
8. ask yourself this: are you truly open and wanting to fall in love and be in a relationship with the right person… OR are you just addicted to the search and the minute it gets too real you run in the opposite direction and make up a million excuses because real intimacy is not for you?
9. if the ONLY thing good about the guy you’re dating is that he takes his d**k out of your mouth BEFORE he ejaculates (which is the mark of a true gentleman in this day and age – unless you two are in a serious relationship) it’s time to start looking for a new guy.
why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?
i recently had sex on a first date.
here’s why i feel bad: i know that I’m too special and precious and smart to let some guy just put his dick in me, even though we barely know each other, cuz that’s what he wants. i don’t want to give myself away so easily. at least, I’d prefer not too. but i did it anyway. i gave in. i caved. i was easy. i wasn’t even dying for sex! (i can’t stand the word ‘horny’) So there wasn’t even the payoff of feeling relieved and gratified afterwords/sexually satiated. (wait, does that mean it was BAD sex too? if it were good, would it have felt gratifying in another way? god dammit! this is such a multi layered bummer!)
here’s why i don‘t feel bad: i don’t like the dude, but sex feels good and I had nothing to lose cuz i don’t wanna date him anyways… although i HAVE had experiences where I’ve had first date sex and we went on to date seriously.
Q: why did i do it though if i could have just as easily been watching tv and eating pretzels?
A: I’d had a few drinks, I let him come up to my place, we got naked and I felt obligated. I should have just kissed him in the car and at the bar and left it at that. I didn’t take care of myself/check in with myself to see where I wanted the night to go. Instead, I went on auto pilot. (alcohol & boredom). And by the time we were rolling around naked and kissing in my bedroom: I came from him going down on me, and wanted him to cum and now that I’ve had sex enough in my lifetime, i decided it was just easier to let him get off while fucking me. i didn’t even see the point of giving him a blow job to end the experience, or mutually masturbate. we’d both already gone down on each other… so now the finishing may as well be something we can both enjoy. i mean, oral sex is still sex, unprotected, and involves fluids! ahhhh! in reality, an unprotected blowjob is way more intimate and seems much more dangerous than protected sex. (but i’m talking about sex where the dude’s wearing a condom and pulls out before he cums inside me. how dare you?!)
the aftermath that left me sad was this: what i lacked in the end wasn’t my self-respect. no. it was the lack of meeting a guy whose shoulder i wanted to put my head on. it was the lack of having the arms of someone i wanted to be held by. it was the lack of my interest in his life, the humor in his jokes. he was fine, but i felt dead inside and way too self-aware about it all. i’m a romantic. but other times i’m cold. maybe that just means i’m with the wrong person. oh shit, duh. i want a guy to be in love with me, but i’m jut as unavailable as the men whose love i crave but who don’t love me. but i get upset when i don’t get to reject someone first- i get upset when i give myself over to them and with that, potentially my power. well, hopefully some lesson was learned here. probably not though. on to the next. i’ll try to cope using advice from my various friends & ex boyfriends i texted while taking a bath after the guy i sexxed left and i’d locked the door behind him:
various texts from friends and ex’s talking me off the ledge:
1. don’t feel bad! you’re a baller vixen. you can be in as much control as you want to be. it’s not about your vagina, it’s about your brain. (from an ex)
2. don’t be hard on yourself. you thrive off experience and impulse. think of it this way: your brain is spinning more now after having unfulfilling sex than it probably would be from having not put out. i give my dick to plenty of unworthy people, but i only give my heart, eyes, and brain to people who matter. so chillax you wonderful soul, that guy will wish you’d fuck him again and you won’t. you win. and part of what makes you great are these weird reflections that this bullshit causes you to have. you’re one of the few women i’ve ever encountered who even if you fucked someone you met 25 min prior- you come off as the winner. it’s an admirable and enviable freedom you exhibit. and you think about and are in tune to how that affects you. (from an ex)
3. don’t worry about it. gay men have sex on the first date to make sure the chemistry’s good! you’re like a gay man! and gay guys are the best! (from a girlfriend)
4. As my mom says ‘bonobo monkeys know best- and sex is the most therapeutic thing you can do for your body.’ So REALLY it was just a therapy session last night. : ) (from a girlfriend)
5. Totally. I got you. I totally understand. I’ve def been in the same position. But it’s all meant to be. Maybe you needed to do it for some reason. To get your head back into work or whatever reason… (from a girlfriend)
6. do you want to come over? (from an ex)
7. do you want me to come over? (from a guy i thought was my friend, but who i now know wants to sexxx me)
oh wait. reading this back, i just answered my own question. the answer was in the question:
“why is it that even in a situation where you know you don’t even like or see a future with or care about a guy (even though he IS kinda cute), after you have sex with him, inevitably it’s the girl who feels like she was used somehow? or as if she now, out of cultural obligation, has to feel bad about giving her puss away to a guy too quickly?”
From now on, i will listen to my therapist and learn from the point he made when he said ’would you have had sex with him if you hadn’t been drinking alcohal?’ and my answer was ‘no’.
Update: by the next afternoon i was fine. and yeah, he called. he asked me out again. i didn’t go out with him though. i chose not to. and i did learn a lesson from this: no sex or even dating unless i’m REALLY excited about someone. cuz even then you take the chance of spiralling & heartbreak. but at least THEN it’s for someone you felt was worth it.
HERE’S SOME MUSIC FOR YOU TO SPIRAL TO! YOU’RE NEVER ALONE; BUT THIS MUSIC CAN HOLD YOUR HAND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE NOBODY ELSE WILL)