1. stop saying you’re an ‘aspiring (insert dream goal here)’. it’s fucking embarrassing as fuck! it immediately shows you are a pussy who does NOT believe in himself! just say you ARE an artist, singer, dancer, model, writer, actress, whatever. it’s ALREADY embarrassing! no need to make it MORE embarrassing.
2. dear Netti pots; thank you for being so simple yet effective! Who knew?! You did Netti pot, you did! And now I do too!
3. when in public, talking to someone you know, stop speaking so other people (strangers) can hear you! you’re clearly performing for everyone! It’s so annoying AND obvious! Plus, ONLY the dumbest shit comes out of your mouth when you do that! What a boner killer/clitoral hard-off bro! That’s straight up 7th grade style. squash that bullshizz.
4. when you invite someone into your house (like a date or a friend or whatevs) ALWAYS offer them something to drink you BONEHEAD! And give them a tour of your place too! Personally, whenever I get to the bedroom portion of my tour, I like to say ‘this is where the magic happens.’ I hope it doesn’t sound rote now.
5. its always the short guys you don’t expect to have a huge dick, that have a huge dick and are experts/wizard-masters at eating pussy. Actually NOT always. But it’s a numbers game, so gamble a little and I swear to god, you’ll be happily surprised at LEAST once.
6. if someone accuses you of cutting the tags out of your cheap forever twenty-one/h&m/what-have-you clothing because you’re ashamed of where you shop, just blame the cut out tags on their scratchiness factor. even though you totally DO cut them out cuz you’re embarrassed- which you shouldn’t be, but i get it!
7. it’s OK to admit that you DO in fact care… about whatever it is you care about! Rather than continue your fucking lame charade of leaning against a wall and pretending like you don’t. it’s 2011, admitting you care is the new not caring!
8. its ‘for all intents and purposes’ NOT ‘for all intensive purposes’. get it right bonehead!
9. uh oh, the novelty of wiz kalifas ‘black and yellow’ is wearing off. Hope things with him and rose are still going OK.
10. ask yourself this: do you like him, or is he just a conquest/are you just trying to collect his love/rip his heart out and put it on your wall? Cuz that shit is evil and ego driven. So know what you’re up to and try your hardest to avoid hurting someone when you KNOW it can be prevented!
ps: i’d be so happy if you followed me on twitter @imboycrazy xo, me
Dear Ms. Wasser,
I came upon your Blog while trying to identify the amazing young lady in a York Peppermint Patty commercial. I like to know who it is that I am watching. I should say at this point, that I am an old man and I have no business watching the antics of a young woman, but your sense of humor gave me a few very good laughs. The reason I’m writing this note is because I watched a video you made about a year ago, asking for input about whether or not love can last. This is a subject that I have a lot of experience with. In my almost 65 years, I have fallen in and out of love many times, and was married for over 20 years, but that was long ago.
In answer to your question, yes, love can last, can withstand the ebb and flow of the tides of passion, but most of the time, it doesn’t. Love most often starts out as lust, then, if you’re lucky, it becomes something else. It requires the development of respect for your partner, the identification of mutual interests and desires, to reach the fullness of a mature love affair. Unfortunately, it also needs to happen to both partners more or less simultaneously, and that happens infrequently. There is however, another aspect of love that, once understood, brings such joy that no love affair can ever again bring sadness.
This has to do not with the love you get, or expect to get, or even the love you share. It is the love you give. Perhaps not so much love, as loving. When you understand that loving, with no expectation of a return, is a gift you give yourself, it fills the heart to overflowing. Being able to love unconditionally, allows you to feel all the warmth you can, without the pain that comes from unrealized expectations. I’ve found that I can say I love you with complete sincerity ( and yes, you can love more than one person at a time) and it immediately fills me with happiness. In truth, I’ve discovered that I’ve never learned how to stop loving. Remember, you choose who to be with, but love just happens. Most of the time, it isn’t even a choice.
I have a feeling that you may already know all of this, or that you will understand it immediately. I see it in the obvious sincerity behind the humor of your blog, and in the way you sneak in a whispered “I love you” at the end of some of your videos. Anyway, take an old man’s advice and don’t despair of love, you can have as much as you can give away, and frequently, it does come back. And please don’t be creeped out that an old man wrote you an email, I promise it will be the last.
feel free to listen to this post in audio form:
How to tell you’ve given the wrong guy a blow job by imboycrazy
So you decided to hook up with the sexually ambiguous model/dj/scenester dude. don’t worry, we’ve all been there. or we all haven’t. but I’m sure some of us have. anyways… you know you should have known better, but his sexual ambiguity coupled with his bee stung lips, consistent claiming that he is in fact NOT gay, long list of good-looking ex girlfriends (which in the grand scheme of things is meaningless), and the fact that you know he has a huge private… leaves you powerless and intrigued to the point of no return. and just when you think, ok, maybe i can have sex with this guy and it’ll be a fun, modern, upbeat no strings attached but minus the heartbreak or hurt experience… he handles it so poorly (not that he even cares), you don’t know how you could have put yourself in the situation to begin with. it’s so ridiculous and lame, you have to laugh at yourself for hanging out with such an unsavvy bonehead to begin with.
the ‘how to tell you’ve given the wrong dude a blowjob’ checklist:
1. he doesn’t even try to make you cum. even after you say, specifically, ‘i want you to make me cum too.’
2. he cums in your mouth after you tell him not to.
3. when you spit out a bit of the cum that you didn’t expect to be in your mouth to begin with (especially since it’s the FIRST blow job, and the lady should at least have an option. and besides, a girl saying ‘cum on my tits’ isn’t exactly NOT sexy) he gets all American psycho and fixates on the cum on the bed, and cleans it all up asap. making a point of it.
4. after, while he’s sitting up, you come up behind him and wrap your arms around him, he says ‘hey, you have cum in your hair. i can feel it on my shoulder.’ and you say ‘so? who cares?’ and he says ‘i do. i just cleaned up. put your hair in a ponytail or something.’
5. as you get up to leave, he says nothing. and seems completely detached, emotionless, and dead behind his eyes.
6. he doesn’t walk you to your car after you ask him to.
7. he doesn’t even walk you to the door. he just lays there and stares at you.
8. as you awkwardly stand in the doorway of is room and ask ‘but how should i lock the door?’ he just looks at you and slowly replies after a bizarro awkward beat ‘you know, how you lock any door.’
ps: i really think you should follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
If YOU wanna make next monday YOURS, click HERE for details!
and for the love of god, make it fucking YOURS god dammit! xo