the blind leading the blind (part 89):

1. whenever you’re in a weird grumpy mood, and people get mad at you for it, you can always just lie/pull the rug out from under them and say “oh sorry, my dad just died.” this is only allowed if you hate your dad and wont be bummed if your dad dies later that day because of karmic retribution. #happyfathersday

2. whenever you see an ugly white guy with a beautiful Asian girlfriend, it means he’s rich and has very little hands.

3. sometimes a trip to the supermarket is the perfect opportunity to try out/test an outfit! and if you’re having a hard time walking in the shoes, at least you can use the shopping cart as a crutch.

4. i hate when people look unsure. but, like, that doesn’t make me sound like an asshole right? you feel the same way too, don’t you?

5. Make eye contact with grumpy looking people and smile at them! help the strangers turn that frown upside down. it feels powerful to melt someone’s bummer face away.

6. probably best not to learn how to dj. otherwise there’s a chance you might end up being a dj.

7. there’s a difference between a dating ‘red flag’ and a dating  ‘tell.’ for example, a dating ‘red flag’ would be if, over dinner, your date said ‘i was molested when i was four years old and ever since then i can only fall asleep to the fantasy of murdering my mom.’ as opposed to a dating ‘tell’, which might sound something along the lines of: ‘i drive a purple pt cruiser with leopard interior.’ both suck, but one is way worse than the other. your job is to decide which is which.

8. ask yourself this: what’s the last thing you did for the first time? and then do something NEW for the first time!

9. how to tell a dude isn’t for you: he refers to his feet as ‘dogs’ and when his feet hurt, he says ‘my dogs are barking.’ if this phrase falls from the mouth of the dude you’re seeing… run towards a dude that doesn’t use that phrase!

10. i’m sorry. I don’t want to talk shit about you. I really don’t: But your wearing sunglasses indoors makes you look like an asshole. Always.

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

reader submission: ‘wondering if my boyfriend is gay’

Hi Alexi,

I’m in a tough spot. To keep it brief, I’m 22 years old, in a long distance relationship and I’m wondering if my boyfriend is gay. Here are some reasons why I think this may be true:

-When we first started dating, he said he doesn’t need sex if I’m not ready (What guy says that?)
-He dresses really nicely, (which I like, he’s totally cute)
-When he was really drunk he asked me, “Would you still love me if I was gay?” And I said, “Of course, but not in the same way.” Upon asking if he was gay, he said “No, I’m just a weirdo.”  (What the fuck does that mean?)
-It’s been over a month since he moved and he’s only called me twice and skyped once, (he blames it on his parents being around, he’s not allowed to have a girlfriend who isn’t of his ethnicity…but he could totally walk outside and call me.)
-Sometimes I’ll text him something kind of sexy and he responds with a joke. (I’m not kidding.)

The list goes on. I really care about him and I know he cares about me to. But I’m just wondering where this is going and if it’s worth it and if it’s not, how do I break it off? Do I call him, write a FB message, start a text conversation or write and mail a detailed letter?

Please, please help. I love your blog and I think you offer sage advice, like all the time.

Thank you for your time!

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

tonight: ‘Boycrazy Radio!’ (call in!)

tonight/wednesday june 13, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

click here to listen

& totally call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/life/dating problems

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call us toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

& follow me on twitter while you’re at it!

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 2):

 

(continued from HERE)

it was a Wednesday night. was it a full moon? it may as well have been. i canceled my podcast to meet a friend of mine at some hollywood party he invited me to; a directors birthday. i knew ahead of time i’d be drinking: partly because i was wanting to have a crazy night and partly cuz i knew i’d be self-conscious going to a party alone and hanging out with famous people. it was all very conscious: i’d had a conversation/checked in with myself (as my therapist would say) and made the decision to get drunk that night and have an adventure; be it a make out, radome sex, an orgy, a threesome, or just end up naked in a hot tub. i had no idea… but i wanted to get weird.

i ate a big macro at m cafe for dinner to line my stomach. i drove to the party, which in hind sight was SUPER stupid (do people ever say ‘soups stoops’?) because i knew i was gonna drink. i totally should have cabbed it. oh well, i handled it all fine. we’ll get to how, later. i pulled up, gave the valet my car (sometimes i forget to take off my bizarro prius key/button thing, and go into wherever it is i’m going leaving the valet in the lurch… but NOT this time! it was a sign! tonight was gonna be a good night! or just memorable!?) i passed by men in bow ties pointing which way to go up the stairs to get to where the party was happening. i navigated walking on the tiniest, most NARROW sliver of concrete between a wall and a pool, praying i didn’t topple in upon arrival. i would have DIED! DIED!

i wondered if i might end up in the pool later, topless with all the other party goers. and hopefully only the most good-looking of the bunch! but that was neither here no there. i didn’t have time to wonder about ridiculous NONENSE… hey look, there’s my friend! he wasn’t exactly a friend. he was an acquaintance i’d known for a while. i’d always been attracted to him… but something about him scared me. was it the fact that i thought he might be mean and have no feelings? yes! also, i just didn’t feel safe with him. and yet i was drawn to him. he has nice eyes and is really smart. unfortunately i knew i’d never get close enough to really learn from him. and for political reasons, i could never date him… cuz i’m taller and he dated my friend. i’m actually kind of over the height thing. kind of. also, i knew if i ever slept with him… he would turn on me in an instant. we would no longer even have the casual semblance of a friendship we were pretending to have. which at least involved witty banter and occasional texting. i love being able to text with people i don’t know very well about the deepest darkest most honest thoughts i’m having at any given moment. it’s like emotional chat roulette, except without the visuals, and in twitter form. n e wayz…

i said hello to my friend who’d invited me, immediately ordered a vodka soda, sat down next to that dude who wrote that movie, i know, right?! i ran into people i knew that i didn’t expect to see. one of which was a beautiful girl, whose face always makes me happy when i see it. she was dressed ONLY/ALL in red. this would only add to the night!

me and my girlfriend in red (who is like a foot shorter than me btw) did laps and took in the party: holy shit! a rapper i’d had a crush on for like 2 weeks, a weird indie pop star girl with lip injections wearing flats (later i was so happy to see her eating a cup cake… it just made her more likable) and a bevy of other people i’ll get to…

one drink turned into four and before i knew it i was negotiating a threesome with a pale skinned, bloated (i’m assuming from pills), yet charming and smart gothy pop star with weird eyes and his hot babe girlfriend who said that if we all  were to have sex- i was only allowed to have sex with her and not him. wait, what? what kind of bullshit threesome was this turning into… BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED!? i don’t think so! i mean, yes, i know at some point in my life i’ll be out of experiences to experience and will want to learn how to lick pussy… but i wasn’t there yet; and it sure as hell wasn’t gonna happen in a situation being labeled as some MOCK threesome! no dice. it’s for the best though, as i was almost positive the pop star had herpes. on a side note, my gynecologist says  everyone has herpes and that getting it is only a matter of time… but i don’t have it, and (knock on wood) i’d like to keep it that way. yikes.

this party was actually like a herpes land mine. i should have stayed home. NOT! anyways, i dodged that std bullet and moved on to gossiping with actors, an ex boyfriend that thinks i’m a nutcase (why? just because i kept repeating my latest mantra “we’re all gonna die! it’s just a matter of when and how! you have to get weird and be brave and collect as many experiences as possible!” followed by “so, total hypothetical, if we were to have sex… would you buy me pancakes tomorrow morning?”) and keeping tabs on the rapper hyphenate. it’s important to ALWAYS have a goal! and my goal of the evening quickly solidified. actually, in this case, i had several 1. don’t get herpes and 2. have sex with a rapper.

on my way to the ladies room, i made out with the guy who invited me to the party (whoops) which was awesome, but it had to be put on ice cuz he had his eye on the singer with lip injections, i had my sights set on the rapper… and this wasn’t a time to fuck around! we could make out ANYTIME! during our kiss the babely director dude walked in (does that mean i’ll never be able to kiss him?) and i ran away, pushing my friend toward lip injections as i linked back up with my bff in red. we found the rapper on a patio… (to be continued)

boycrazy spotlight on: ‘the man’s guide to love’

 

If you’re a person like me who’s fascinated by love, sex, relationships, people, human interaction/behavior, dating, marriage, monogamy, sexuality, etc… you have to check out one of my favorite websites called: ‘THE MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE’

there’s a reason i love this website. there are MANY reasons:

the site is ALL videos; a ton of short and sweet mini interviews with guys – because we no longer have an attention span! think of the videos as ‘dude of the day’ interviews… except the guys on TMGTL aren’t all hipster try hards!

this site reminds me that men have feelings and morals and a sense of humor and are looking for love/in need of love just as much as women.

nowadays it’s easy to forget that men actually want to be in a partnership, or monogamous instead of always just looking for the next best thing. i forget that men can like being in a relationships and think/feel deeply about them. i forget how sensitive MEN can be.

but all that aside, ‘THE MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE’ is great because you get to hear the inner workings of a guys brain… so you can get all their secrets and then kill them!! jk jk! you know what i mean!

you’re welcome!

tonight: ‘Boycrazy Radio!’ (tune in & call in)

tonight/wednesday june 6, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

click here to listen

& totally call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/life/dating problems

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call us toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

& follow me on twitter while you’re at it!

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

naked in bed with boys i don’t love (part 1 of a gazillion):

so much stuff has happened. i haven’t written about my personal life in a while. i’ve been wanting to, but every time i tried to force myself… i’d do every other thing possible to avoid sitting down and writing. and i’ve been up to so much too! i’ve been having so many adventures, i’ve been using that as an excuse for not writing ‘well i’m too busy collecting stories.’ or ‘i can’t beat myself up for not writing because this is the down time where i’m supposed to experience things and reflect and…. zzzzzzz’. so now i’m sitting down and facing myself. what the fuck have i been up to? what the fuck have i been doing? where do i even start? i got out of a relationship… and the dude i dated is so unattractive to me now, i can’t even look back. however… the sex was great and he was kind. but given the opportunity, i will never sleep with him again. i call that ‘moving backwards’. i’m not saying the stories i’m about to tell you don’t involve me sleeping with guys i vowed never to mess around with again… i just mean, not THAT guy. even as we were breaking up; as i sat in his car during that cliché uncomfortable silence that happens when you sit in a car at night with the person you’re about to not be in a relationship with anymore… while i was semi tearing up, i was doing an internal inventory of the boys i’d been wanting to sleep with/guys i could potentially hook up with now that i was single! guys i’d met, known, seen that i thought ‘hmm… if and when i become single, he seems neat/sexy/cool/interesting… (or) i’d really love to make-out/be fucked by that guy!’ but no one even came to mind!

immediately after the break up, i just kept moving forward (like a shark?) for a moment i was fixated on a guy who was married but that’s not my style. i know better. and that momentary crush dissipated quickly. next i slept with a guy i’d met through a friend. over drinks, he gave me the impression he had split from his girlfriend. but after we slept together, he told me he was married, but that they were in a ‘weird place and taking space’. what the fuck? um, why didn’t anyone think to tell me about this? where was the wedding ring he was supposed to be wearing? why didn’t i know this before he asked me to drinks? fuck! even though this was not my problem, this was definitely NOT the type of experience i wanted to continue or repeat. we remained friends (and by friends, i mean casual acquaintances) but before we said goodbye, i talked to him for a very long while (over the phone) about his options/what his behavior meant. i tried to help him look at himself. but all he had were answers that made him feel less guilty and as if he had his life all figured out/wrapped up in a bow/and an excuse for everything. ha! i was already used to this type of lying one does to ones self from my conversations with the previous married guy i’d tried to psychoanalyze. i was very familiar with this bizarro compartmentalizing and rationalizing people who are too scared to just follow their heart do. they like to explain away to whoever will listen… but really, they’re talking to themselves.

i only had enough energy to say a few words to the guy. cuz this type of convo is exhausting and more often than not, results in nothing changing:  ‘jesus fucking christ, the golden rule is treat people the way you want to be treated! if you don’t want to be with her, leave. the world won’t implode. you’ll both be okay. you’ll be doing each other a service. thank god you two don’t have kids! get out before she accidentally gets pregnant! or what if you cheat on her and get a disease and then give it to HER?! this isn’t ok! how would you feel if your wife walked around without a ring on, acted as if she were single, and slept with someone? probably not so good!’ ‘but she wouldn’t be able to survive without me. she’d crumble. she’s not strong enough. i wait around cuz maybe it’ll get better.’ ‘but how hard is it supposed to be? you’re still young! it’s not supposed to be this hard! you cheated! the trust is gone! this is not ok! oh, you think she wouldn’t be ok without you? she’d crumble? oh, really? fuck you! that is so self-indulgent! she’d be fine! believe me! do her a favor and end it! let her show you how fine she’d be! you’re being a pussy! you’re lying to yourself because you’re scared to be alone, you’re a people pleaser, and you want it both ways! That’s not ok!’

He decided to stay with his wife. yikes. these two back to back experiences with unhappy, confused, unavailable men made me question love/monogamy/and marriage… for a SECOND. then i remembered (after talking to dr. drew during one of my 7th grade style call in’s to loveline on kroq) that these are two very specific cases and don’t represent all men. phew. but why was i attracting such emotionally confused and unavailable men? was it because they were a reflection of me? was i just as confused and unavailable as them? or did they need to meet me because i was the perfect person to have a conversation with to send them back in the right direction… whatever that means? or at least a direction toward living a more clear and honest life? hmmm. who knows? but it didn’t go un-looked at on my end.

next, i went on a date with a SINGLE guy: tall, young, beautiful and totally wrong for me because i was completely uninterested in nearly everything he had to say. i didn’t want to be… but i was. we were in very different place in our lives. he gave me an epic guitar lesson… and that was the highlight. i wished it had been just that. i could have kept having him show me chords forever. he was such a wonderful teacher. thanks to him and our date, i realized that there’s a big difference between being able to play guitar and being able to teach guitar or teach anything in general. you can be a master at something, but it’s a completely different skill to be able to teach someone something. teaching takes patience and the art of communicating clearly.  he was lovely, just not for me. we did not have sex; but he DID try to lick my privates… and i appreciate that!

i had lost a lot of weight at the tail end of my relationship because i’d been stressed from work. however, the week my relationship ended (in an empty indian restaurant on ventura blvd aka ‘the valley’ btw) my life suddenly slowed down. i feared i’d put weight back on… and i did. not a ton. i just went back to my normal self. no big deal. but i used this as an excuse to go into lock down mode. i needed to be alone. i needed to mourn the death of my relationship. i didn’t feel sexy. i didn’t want to be touched. i stayed in and watched bad tv- reality show bullshit, movies, the original 90210, sex and the city, something borrowed, an unmarried woman, broken english. i picked at my skin and tried to self sabotage….

and then out of nowhere, something shifted. i was in a weird place. NO, a NEW weird place. i was (metaphorically speaking) in a waiting room – work wise. i’d had all these meetings about projects and stuff and whatever and now all i could do was wait to hear back from the powers that be.

and even though i was continuing to wake up, breathe, eat, sleep, podcast, do some mediocre blawging and run errands, i felt aimless and a bit hopeless. but my previous isolated/internal depression turned into something else. i felt like i had nothing to lose.

i woke up one day and i no longer cared to stay in all night watching bad tv, hiding up in my apartment.

i wanted to be reckless and get drunk and make out and have sex and adventures. i didn’t give a fuck! was it because it was getting warmer out? no. i was living by a new code. i had a subconscious (now conscious) mantra going on in the back of my mind: ‘we’re all gonna die. it’s just a matter of when and how. so collect as many adventures as possible.’ and that’s when shit got exciting. this is just an intro to the stories to come… (to be continued)

tonight: ‘boycrazy radio!’ (cancelled!)

tonight/wednesday may 30, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

click here to listen

& totally call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/life/dating problems

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call us toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

 

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

& follow me on twitter while you’re at it!

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

reader submission: ‘too young to be so bitter’

Dear Alexi,

I live in Canada and am 22 years old. My problem is that I am bitter
towards love. Let me give you a little history… I dated my first
boyfriend when I was 19. We dated for 2 and a half years and at the time I
felt just like any other girl in love (butterflies, stars and rainbows!).
However, we broke up 8 months ago and I feel as though I’ve moved on.
However, ever since we broke up, my mindset towards any type of
relationship has taken a flip. I see my friends in relationships and think
to myself “they will never last”. In general, I am a happy and fun-loving
person but I don’t see the point in dating anybody when I know that it is
never going to end well. I know that eventually I’ll find someone more
compatible with me than my ex but what’s to stop that relationship from
failing? People inevitably change and therefore the relationship is
inevitably going to fall apart. I can get sex if that’s what I need,
without committing to anybody – so why would I? My friends call me smart
because I don’t fall for guys bullshit and can keep a clear head when i
like somebody. But this is just a result of me not wanting to pursue them.

I am too young to be this bitter! What do you think? Do you think maybe I
am just not completely over the emotional shock of going through a break
up? And how can I overcome this?!

Hope that you can help!!!

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ [email protected]

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

tonight: ‘Boycrazy Radio!’ (tune in & call in)

tonight/wednesday may 23, 2012 9pm pst

join me during ‘boycrazy radio’

click here to listen

& totally call in so we can discuss & solve all your love/life/dating problems

all you have to do is dial
1(646) 378-0649
or call us toll-free
1(877)569-3588

if you’re in another country, you can call in using gmail or Skype!

if you can’t call in during the live show, leave a message on ‘boycrazy voicemail’ 1(888)666-2045

& follow me on twitter while you’re at it!

ttyl, xoxo

ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio


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