1. dudes, don’t ASK to kiss a girl. it TOTALLY ruins the moment and makes you look like a pussy.
2. It’s so nice when you see your ex’s new girlfriend and they’re a TOTAL downgrade. #youwin!
3. Please don’t refer to the city of Philadelphia as ‘Philly’. It’s so annoying. i can’t quite explain why, but i’ll try: it just makes me feel gross. it makes me think of Philly cheese steak sandwiches (which i’ve never tried, but just look yuck), and Philly cream cheese (which i don’t even dislike), or a character from the wrong side of the tracks in a sitcom from the 70’s that i’m not even sure existed. also, it’s like you’re trying to achieve some level of intimacy between you, and another person, and even the city of Philadelphia itself that doesn’t/will never exist; ‘oh, you’re from Philly?! I’M from Philly!’
4. My best girlfriend thinks I should be ready to buy a house, but I’m barely in a place where I want to buy enough furniture to invite people over to my apartment.
5. Subconsciously, i think i’m always trying to be molly ringwald in ‘the breakfast club’ when i use chopsticks.
6. Guys, if you know a woman doesn’t like to hear “aw, you’re moody?! you must be about to start your period.” then you should ALSO know that she doesn’t want to hear you refer to an actress as hot either! #Somethingsarebetterleftunsaid
7. Listen, I know you hate yourself, but obsessively weighing yourself at the end of each day will only make you feel worse. It’s down right CRUEL! You’re SUPPOSED to obsessively weigh yourself FIRST thing in the morning every day! that way there’s nothing in your stomach and you’ll be your lowest weight of the day! Hooray!
8. girls! eat more bananas in public! it totally makes guys think about blow jobs! isn’t that crazy? i know!
9. there’s a chicness to simplicity.
10. when getting ready for a date, only listen to songs that were written about YOU! it’ll really help your self confidence!
ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
‘The End of Men’ written by Hanna Rosin (originally published in the Atlantic)
Earlier this year, women became the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history. Most managers are now women too. And for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same. For years, women’s progress has been cast as a struggle for equality. But what if equality isn’t the end point? What if modern, postindustrial society is simply better suited to women? A report on the unprecedented role reversal now under way— and its vast cultural consequences.
IN THE 1970s the biologist Ronald Ericsson came up with a way to separate sperm carrying the male-producing Y chromosome from those carrying the X. He sent the two kinds of sperm swimming down a glass tube through ever-thicker albumin barriers. The sperm with the X chromosome had a larger head and a longer tail, and so, he figured, they would get bogged down in the viscous liquid. The sperm with the Y chromosome were leaner and faster and could swim down to the bottom of the tube more efficiently. Ericsson had grown up on a ranch in South Dakota, where he’d developed an Old West, cowboy swagger. The process, he said, was like “cutting out cattle at the gate.” The cattle left flailing behind the gate were of course the X’s, which seemed to please him. He would sometimes demonstrate the process using cartilage from a bull’s penis as a pointer.
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1. When drinking water always add lemon! It’ll make you feel like you’re super important and better than others! Even though you’re totally not!!!
2. When looking for a lie to get out of talking to someone; you can’t say your dad died AND you just found out you have cancer. you have to choose one or the other! Both are just too much!
3. When dining at a super authentic japanese restaurant, where everyone is asian but you, do you ever think ‘im in a room surrounded by horrible drivers’? Yeah, me neither! Cuz i’m not racist!!!
4. Years from now, I never want my mom to be mistaken for a homeless person.
5. My biggest fear is being spotted holding a yoga mat and wearing flip-flops in public.
6. Taking adderal and weighing yourself every hour ON the hour is such a rookie move.
7. Instead of texting ‘i got my period’ text ‘i got my .’ it’s way chicer.
8. Why do so many boys pace when they’re on the phone?
9. Dear boys, be the type of guy you would want your daughter to be with.
10. Next time, only take HALF the pill!!! you can always take the other half, but you can never go back after taking the WHOLE pill!
ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
one of my girlfriends reminded me of that age-old, cliché quote: ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result’. blah blah blah, yakkity shmakity. you know the quote. it was during a tear filled (mine) conversation with her where i was basically telling her about a frustrating day of miscommunication i’d had with the latest guy i’d found myself having a ‘thing’ with. a relationship? i suppose. yes. i’m just trying to sound tough. but we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend officially. we had no label. we were just getting to know each other, exclusively: not seeing/kissing/sexxing anyone else. his request, not mine. but i had NO desire to see anyone but him. however, we were NOT boyfriend and girlfriend. i mean technically it felt like the definition of what a boyfriend and girlfriend are… but we’d yet to have the talk. but not having a label is fine.
here’s the part where i come across as slightly bitter and confused re. labels:
personally, for someone like me, a label can be scary. maybe he was unsure. maybe i was unsure. and maybe it’s just nice to have a new level of relationship to graduate to; even sexy! as opposed to just rushing into bfgf. really it’s more about the quality of the time we spend together, how we’re treating eachother, the time we’re having; as opposed to a label that can make a person feel, well, labeled/antsy/trapped. and in the meantime, having no label means we’re together cuz we want to be together. not out of obligation or because we’ve put ourselves in a box that we might be afraid to tell the other one we want out of. but, in all honesty, i’m never afraid to leave… so, there goes the anti boyfriend/girlfriend label argument i’m trying to pound in a little too hard! what was wrong with me? why didn’t he want ME to be his gf? even though i didn’t want the label, my ego was bruised! i wanted HIM to want the label!
i’m sure i’m just forgetting about all the things i’d said/done to make him think i don’t want/am not ready for a boyfriend. perhaps that time i said: ‘we are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend.’ or ‘i’m completely afraid of commitment!’ or ‘when do you think this is gonna end?’ or ‘how do you think this is gonna play out?’, ‘NO labels’. oh shit, i did say those things, didn’t i? plus the countless jokes about wanting to date other people (even though i don’t), references to ex’s, checking out dudes in front of him…. fuck! what a little monster i am.
anyway, back to my original thought:
during this chat with my girlfriend (who i later found out was STONED- wait, what’s a bigger betrayl, not telling someone you’re on the phone with that you’re stoned or not telling someone you’re on the phone with you’re on adderal?) i told her how i was disappointed by the guy that day. our plans got confused and i was so angry for being made to wait around for him. but the real reason for my moodiness wasn’t actually because of what happened (as it was a total non problem) it was this: i was terrified and furious and so uncomfortable that i’d found myself vulnerable. i hated that i was affected by him. even though the day was a bit fucked and didn’t go as planned (possibly cuz mercury was in retrograde- ugh, i just threw up in my mouth… but like, you never know, ya know?!) i was enraged that i was emotionally vulnerable. enraged that someone i was slowly giving myself to disappointed me. i felt like maybe i was out on a limb by myself and thought about how there are no guarantees. ‘why should i put myself through this?’ ‘it probably wouldn’t last anyway. nothing did.’ was i bitter? was i jaded? i was terrified.
but then i also thought, if i don’t learn these relationship ‘people skills’ soon… i might never. and then where will i be? i almost need to surrender to loving someone, and being loved by someone; surrender to all the uncomfortable nuances of a relationship. like miscommunications and feeling feelings. being affected. being vulnerable. not knowing. uncharted territory. co existing with someone. trusting someone. being annoyed by someone. and learning how to walk through it all. if not now, when?
after all, i would have the same uncomfortable experience i’d had today with any guy. i had in the past and i would again. it was just a question of being open to it. it was a choice i had to make. i’m in charge of my choices. i could easily choose to close my heart, shut down and say to myself ‘i don’t wanna do this. i don’t wanna feel this way. i don’t want to be affected by someone like this. i don’t want to be so attached to someone emotionally. i’d rather just go back to being alone & casual makeouts with guys i’ll never let into my heart.’
but if i don’t surrender to being with someone in an honest and monogamous way, and learn how to communicate with someone and be completely seen and raw, etc, i would never build that muscle. i need to practice experiencing/getting through all the awkward uncomfortable moments that come with being vulnerable. if i try to control everything and only stay with someone when it’s easy and new… i’ll wake up at forty and be alone. but that’s ok, right? sure it is, but wouldn’t diving into something uncomfortable and scary NOW make my life expand and help me grow?
i’d met someone who was a good person with a good heart. we have tons of mutual friends. our sexual chemistry is epic. i respect him. he’s smart. he has morals. he’s sexy. he’s strong, he has an eight pack. he has that unspoken badass/cool factor. he’s a good dresser. i mean, wasn’t this a good jumping off point? my therapist says that when you meet someone, you’re doing a dance with them and your goal is to meet in the middle; two people help eachother balance eachother out/help eachother heal. i think i’d found someone i’d like to dance with; someone who could help me learn to trust and remind me of what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship/all the wisdom and experience there is to gain from a real relationship.
but i was so frustrated. his disappointing me that day, cuz we didn’t see eachother when i thought we would, made me want to use that as the perfect excuse to ruin it and run! i wanted to be angry and close my heart… something i was just beginning to give him. fuck, i was so annoyed. just a day earlier i told him ‘of all the people i might trust, i’d like to trust you’ and then i placed his hand on my privates as we spooned and said ‘this belongs to you.’ just before drifting off to sleep. and then the next day he lets me down? i was furious. my mind was reeling with thoughts and questions- moments of clarity and freak outs: maybe he wasnt into it like i was into him. but i was ONLY following his lead! why was he tricking me? this was just a reminder that nothing was guaranteed. why was he telling me about the rewards of a solid real relationship and telling me that i’m addicted to ‘newness’ and unable to trust… but then not wanting to call me his girlfriend and yet basically act as such? why did he screw up our plans? and why did i feel like when i was out of sight, i was out of mind? how much of my insecurities were just me? i’m guessing MOST! did i even LIKE him? i did. but i still felt a bit disconnected. did that mean he did too? or was i just burned and scarred by my last relationship and all my previous relationships? were these daddy issues? of course they were. fuck, how boring of me! how long can THAT be a crutch? yawn!
isn’t it weird how self-aware i /you/one can be about behavior… but as logical as you are and as smart and aware of your issues you can be, putting them into practice and behaving the way you know you should and cutting out the behavior you know you should cut out is so difficult? self-awareness and life practice are two different things. should i just be nice and forgive and keep moving forward? or should i get angry and sabotage it and run? well, my girlfriend said that if that’s what i usually do, i should change it up and not be the definition of insanity. hmmm. ok. i would continue to get to know him; decide if i like him; and not give him all the power. i’ll tell him how i feel when i feel stuff; when i’m calm; without being angry. i won’t freeze up and run. i won’t try to ruin it just so i can get out of being with someone in a real way.
so, to officially talk myself off the ledge:
yes, my feelings were really hurt, but i’m only THIS UBER sensitive cuz i really like him and felt disappointed/strung along. i wanna be with someone who wants to be with me in a real/crazy/intense/beautiful/epic way! and being left in the lurch gave me the impression he could take or leave me. i hope i’m just being dramatic. I’m so afraid of being sucked in just to have the rug pulled out from under me. but that’s the thing about life: there are no guarantees. that’s what makes it exciting AND scary.
i thought this could be something real. i want it to be something real. whenever i become vulnerable with a guy, i get so sensitive. i analyze everything; get mad so easily. this is nothing new for me. i think i just forget these emotions exist, like how women forget their period is coming or how painful birth is. if we remembered, we’d never let it happen again.
opening up my heart and letting someone in to potentially break it just seems like too great of a liability. as women, we already do so many other frightening things when we date/sex/love a man: we are seen at our worst, ride on the back of motorcycles, make ourself susceptible to getting pregnant/stds, fall into habits of unprotected sex, and worse… are asked if we’ll have anal sex!
but i’m gonna try it! (and by ‘it’ i’m referring to a relationship, not anal sex. but maybe. who knows? how dare you?!) cuz keeping my heart closed to the infinite possibility of a relationship would be an even bigger liability. right?
(continued from HERE)
holy fucking shit. there he was! all by himself on the patio: the rapper hyphenate! my bff of the evening in red and i were super excited, but of course we down played it to subtle exchanges of intense eye contact… but we both knew we were internally shrieking! we sauntered out onto the patio as if we were exploring the house; acting as if we had no idea who he was/he was in the way/he was invisible/and in no way the point of our focus. i’m sure he figured us out in a split second.
he said hello.
me: ‘oh, hi. we’re not interrupting your alone time? are we?’
‘two beautiful women? not at all.’
omg, he was TOTALLY in love with me! er, i mean us. i mean me. after all, to be fair, my casual acquaintance in red had a boyfriend!
we all sat down, ordered vodka sodas from a waitress (it was just that kind of party. i wanted to make a joke and say ‘i’ll have a disaronno on the rocks’ but i wasn’t loose enough to be that charming yet. that’s why i needed the drink to begin with!) and got to talking. he asked what i did. i said ‘i’m a plus sized model’. he seemed confused. phew. nonchalance would have made me spiral. why did i always set myself up like that? i told him i was a writer. he said he was a writer too. i said ‘oh you are?’ and he responded ‘you think i can’t write?!’ omg, did he just accuse me of being racist? (did i mention he was black? i thought saying he was a rapper was enough.) i just laughed and he told me he was also an actor, writer, producer, musician. boring! i KNEW all this! ‘oh wow.’ i said.
suddenly out of nowhere (as if sent by god to vadge block me) some skinny/indie/desperate/ass kissing actor walked up (my desperation was a totally DIFFERENT kind. how dare you?!) icing me and my babe friend out. they talked about having worked together and martial arts and stuff like that. i noticed the rapper was wearing a bizarro ring on his wedding finger. oh, that changed everything. i asked him about it. he said he was yes, ‘technically with someone. but in life, everyone does what they like.’ oh do they? what the fuck did that mean? i mean that sounds great and all, and the dark side of me subscribes to that way of thinking… but the little girl in me would also like to surround herself with people who live by the golden rule: treat people the way you wanna be treated. the majority of me wants to believe that people are faithful and you can trust people!
when my girlfriend and him started discussing having sex with emotion versus casual sex and she said she found it very hard to have sex without at least a kernel of real intimacy, the rapper nodded in agreeance/eye fucked her and regaled us with a story about shooting a film in china, feeling lonely, going to a brothel and fucking ten prostitutes. but after, he still felt empty. so THEN, he called a female friend of his to come out & visit and found that when she got there and cuddled him, that’s all he needed. it was an emotional connection he craved. um, was that his way of woo’ing her? er, i mean us?
so many thoughts flooded my mind:
•um, ok… what?
•the dude’s married and cheats? is that what he’s saying?
•so, cheating is ok?
•wait, prostitutes? gross! this isn’t ok! if i stand for ANYTHING, this isn’t it!
•does this mean he has aids? surely herpes. chlamydia? gonorrhea? help!
•does being famous mean you’re above having a moral compass? the rules just don’t apply to you?
•does everyone who’s not famous wish they could behave this way because it means they have money and notoriety and power and are above the constraints of the social norm?
•i wanna fuck a rapper and NOT get aids!
•hollywood is cray!
•just keep drinking and see where the night takes you.
•YOU COULD FUCK A RAPPER YO!
•please don’t say ‘yo’ or the n word or even the phrase ‘the n word’ out loud. not that you would alexi. not that you would. just saying.
the birthday cake was being presented and our patio convo was broken just as quicky as it began. we joined the rest of the party by the pool to sing happy birthday.
after the cake was cut and i made sure not to eat a slice because i was in public trying to appear sexy, i started chatting with a guy in a fedora. in my fun drunk haze, my whole ‘no fedoras’ rule went out the window. i pulled him aside and said:
‘are you gay?’
me: ‘are you sure?’
fedora: ‘i’m sure’
me: ‘how tall are you?’
fedora: ‘tall enough’
me: ‘k. cuz i’m looking to get into trouble tonight’
and with that i was off.
my bff wanted to go home to her boyfriend. she was sleepy from red wine. we had a pow wow in the ladies room & regrouped like girls do. she reassured me that i wasn’t acting dumb, that i was beautiful, and that i was not fat. so, i said she could go. she left and you know what? i missed her immediately. it’s so nice having a girlfriend/traveling in a twosome.
i went back outside and found my rapper by the pool smoking a cigar surrounded by professional escorts! wtf?? were all the hollywood cliché’s true? god, for someone who was born and raised in west hollywood, i was so naive! like a complete asshole, to blend in, i asked for a cigar too… like Samantha in the pilot episode of sex and the city when she’s making a move on mr. big. see? life really does imitate art! i had managed to regain the rappers attention. yay! he spotted me and said ‘what’s up legs’. phew! but uh oh, i was getting too drunk. i was aware of what i was saying, but i was two drinks away from vomiting in a potted plant… something i’ve only done once seven years ago that i never want to experience again. i had to pace myself.
(to be continued)
1. a Gentleman ALWAYS pays for your morning after pill.
2. be uuber aware of how much time and energy you spend thinking about your crush. It could be detrimental and keep you from getting important things done.
3. one of my least favorite things is watching my friends in miserable/shitty relationships lie to each other, stay with one another too long, and pretend to be happy.
4. real friends don’t ask for rides to and from the airport. that’s what FAMILY, taxi’s, and car services are for.
5. dear ALL waiters and bus boys in AMERICA: please don’t take a persons plate away if the person/people they’re with are still eating!! it’s rude/wrong on so many levels/and just not proper etiquette! in europe waiters are actually professionally trained and this is a BIG no no. it makes people feel rushed, uncomfortable, etc.
6. Never call coffee ‘joe’.
7. If the death of steve jobs didn’t push you over the edge into finally buying an iPhone: you have no heart.
8. I’ve finally decided what it is i aspire to be in my late 40’s/early 50’s: a real housewife of NYC!
9. relax, take a breath. i know you feel rejected and alone, but don’t get angry. i mean, all he or she is guilty of is not loving you. And that’s ok.
10. if he makes you coffee with creme and sugar with a dash of cinnamon the first time you wake up at his house, but he ONLY gives you black coffee the morning after the next time you spend the night… he likes you less. way less. in fact, it’s probably over.
ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
pps: ‘boycrazy radio’ is CANCELED tonight.
ppps: please, never be ANYTHING like EITHER of the girls in this video.