(continued from HERE)
holy fucking shit. there he was! all by himself on the patio: the rapper hyphenate! my bff of the evening in red and i were super excited, but of course we down played it to subtle exchanges of intense eye contact… but we both knew we were internally shrieking! we sauntered out onto the patio as if we were exploring the house; acting as if we had no idea who he was/he was in the way/he was invisible/and in no way the point of our focus. i’m sure he figured us out in a split second.
he said hello.
me: ‘oh, hi. we’re not interrupting your alone time? are we?’
‘two beautiful women? not at all.’
omg, he was TOTALLY in love with me! er, i mean us. i mean me. after all, to be fair, my casual acquaintance in red had a boyfriend!
we all sat down, ordered vodka sodas from a waitress (it was just that kind of party. i wanted to make a joke and say ‘i’ll have a disaronno on the rocks’ but i wasn’t loose enough to be that charming yet. that’s why i needed the drink to begin with!) and got to talking. he asked what i did. i said ‘i’m a plus sized model’. he seemed confused. phew. nonchalance would have made me spiral. why did i always set myself up like that? i told him i was a writer. he said he was a writer too. i said ‘oh you are?’ and he responded ‘you think i can’t write?!’ omg, did he just accuse me of being racist? (did i mention he was black? i thought saying he was a rapper was enough.) i just laughed and he told me he was also an actor, writer, producer, musician. boring! i KNEW all this! ‘oh wow.’ i said.
suddenly out of nowhere (as if sent by god to vadge block me) some skinny/indie/desperate/ass kissing actor walked up (my desperation was a totally DIFFERENT kind. how dare you?!) icing me and my babe friend out. they talked about having worked together and martial arts and stuff like that. i noticed the rapper was wearing a bizarro ring on his wedding finger. oh, that changed everything. i asked him about it. he said he was yes, ‘technically with someone. but in life, everyone does what they like.’ oh do they? what the fuck did that mean? i mean that sounds great and all, and the dark side of me subscribes to that way of thinking… but the little girl in me would also like to surround herself with people who live by the golden rule: treat people the way you wanna be treated. the majority of me wants to believe that people are faithful and you can trust people!
when my girlfriend and him started discussing having sex with emotion versus casual sex and she said she found it very hard to have sex without at least a kernel of real intimacy, the rapper nodded in agreeance/eye fucked her and regaled us with a story about shooting a film in china, feeling lonely, going to a brothel and fucking ten prostitutes. but after, he still felt empty. so THEN, he called a female friend of his to come out & visit and found that when she got there and cuddled him, that’s all he needed. it was an emotional connection he craved. um, was that his way of woo’ing her? er, i mean us?
so many thoughts flooded my mind:
•um, ok… what?
•the dude’s married and cheats? is that what he’s saying?
•so, cheating is ok?
•wait, prostitutes? gross! this isn’t ok! if i stand for ANYTHING, this isn’t it!
•does this mean he has aids? surely herpes. chlamydia? gonorrhea? help!
•does being famous mean you’re above having a moral compass? the rules just don’t apply to you?
•does everyone who’s not famous wish they could behave this way because it means they have money and notoriety and power and are above the constraints of the social norm?
•i wanna fuck a rapper and NOT get aids!
•hollywood is cray!
•just keep drinking and see where the night takes you.
•YOU COULD FUCK A RAPPER YO!
•please don’t say ‘yo’ or the n word or even the phrase ‘the n word’ out loud. not that you would alexi. not that you would. just saying.
the birthday cake was being presented and our patio convo was broken just as quicky as it began. we joined the rest of the party by the pool to sing happy birthday.
after the cake was cut and i made sure not to eat a slice because i was in public trying to appear sexy, i started chatting with a guy in a fedora. in my fun drunk haze, my whole ‘no fedoras’ rule went out the window. i pulled him aside and said:
‘are you gay?’
me: ‘are you sure?’
fedora: ‘i’m sure’
me: ‘how tall are you?’
fedora: ‘tall enough’
me: ‘k. cuz i’m looking to get into trouble tonight’
and with that i was off.
my bff wanted to go home to her boyfriend. she was sleepy from red wine. we had a pow wow in the ladies room & regrouped like girls do. she reassured me that i wasn’t acting dumb, that i was beautiful, and that i was not fat. so, i said she could go. she left and you know what? i missed her immediately. it’s so nice having a girlfriend/traveling in a twosome.
i went back outside and found my rapper by the pool smoking a cigar surrounded by professional escorts! wtf?? were all the hollywood cliché’s true? god, for someone who was born and raised in west hollywood, i was so naive! like a complete asshole, to blend in, i asked for a cigar too… like Samantha in the pilot episode of sex and the city when she’s making a move on mr. big. see? life really does imitate art! i had managed to regain the rappers attention. yay! he spotted me and said ‘what’s up legs’. phew! but uh oh, i was getting too drunk. i was aware of what i was saying, but i was two drinks away from vomiting in a potted plant… something i’ve only done once seven years ago that i never want to experience again. i had to pace myself.
(to be continued)
1. a Gentleman ALWAYS pays for your morning after pill.
2. be uuber aware of how much time and energy you spend thinking about your crush. It could be detrimental and keep you from getting important things done.
3. one of my least favorite things is watching my friends in miserable/shitty relationships lie to each other, stay with one another too long, and pretend to be happy.
4. real friends don’t ask for rides to and from the airport. that’s what FAMILY, taxi’s, and car services are for.
5. dear ALL waiters and bus boys in AMERICA: please don’t take a persons plate away if the person/people they’re with are still eating!! it’s rude/wrong on so many levels/and just not proper etiquette! in europe waiters are actually professionally trained and this is a BIG no no. it makes people feel rushed, uncomfortable, etc.
6. Never call coffee ‘joe’.
7. If the death of steve jobs didn’t push you over the edge into finally buying an iPhone: you have no heart.
8. I’ve finally decided what it is i aspire to be in my late 40’s/early 50’s: a real housewife of NYC!
9. relax, take a breath. i know you feel rejected and alone, but don’t get angry. i mean, all he or she is guilty of is not loving you. And that’s ok.
10. if he makes you coffee with creme and sugar with a dash of cinnamon the first time you wake up at his house, but he ONLY gives you black coffee the morning after the next time you spend the night… he likes you less. way less. in fact, it’s probably over.
ps: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
pps: ‘boycrazy radio’ is CANCELED tonight.
ppps: please, never be ANYTHING like EITHER of the girls in this video.
1. whenever you’re in a weird grumpy mood, and people get mad at you for it, you can always just lie/pull the rug out from under them and say “oh sorry, my dad just died.” this is only allowed if you hate your dad and wont be bummed if your dad dies later that day because of karmic retribution. #happyfathersday
2. whenever you see an ugly white guy with a beautiful Asian girlfriend, it means he’s rich and has very little hands.
3. sometimes a trip to the supermarket is the perfect opportunity to try out/test an outfit! and if you’re having a hard time walking in the shoes, at least you can use the shopping cart as a crutch.
4. i hate when people look unsure. but, like, that doesn’t make me sound like an asshole right? you feel the same way too, don’t you?
5. Make eye contact with grumpy looking people and smile at them! help the strangers turn that frown upside down. it feels powerful to melt someone’s bummer face away.
6. probably best not to learn how to dj. otherwise there’s a chance you might end up being a dj.
7. there’s a difference between a dating ‘red flag’ and a dating ‘tell.’ for example, a dating ‘red flag’ would be if, over dinner, your date said ‘i was molested when i was four years old and ever since then i can only fall asleep to the fantasy of murdering my mom.’ as opposed to a dating ‘tell’, which might sound something along the lines of: ‘i drive a purple pt cruiser with leopard interior.’ both suck, but one is way worse than the other. your job is to decide which is which.
8. ask yourself this: what’s the last thing you did for the first time? and then do something NEW for the first time!
9. how to tell a dude isn’t for you: he refers to his feet as ‘dogs’ and when his feet hurt, he says ‘my dogs are barking.’ if this phrase falls from the mouth of the dude you’re seeing… run towards a dude that doesn’t use that phrase!
10. i’m sorry. I don’t want to talk shit about you. I really don’t: But your wearing sunglasses indoors makes you look like an asshole. Always.
PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
I’m in a tough spot. To keep it brief, I’m 22 years old, in a long distance relationship and I’m wondering if my boyfriend is gay. Here are some reasons why I think this may be true:
-When we first started dating, he said he doesn’t need sex if I’m not ready (What guy says that?)
-He dresses really nicely, (which I like, he’s totally cute)
-When he was really drunk he asked me, “Would you still love me if I was gay?” And I said, “Of course, but not in the same way.” Upon asking if he was gay, he said “No, I’m just a weirdo.” (What the fuck does that mean?)
-It’s been over a month since he moved and he’s only called me twice and skyped once, (he blames it on his parents being around, he’s not allowed to have a girlfriend who isn’t of his ethnicity…but he could totally walk outside and call me.)
-Sometimes I’ll text him something kind of sexy and he responds with a joke. (I’m not kidding.)
The list goes on. I really care about him and I know he cares about me to. But I’m just wondering where this is going and if it’s worth it and if it’s not, how do I break it off? Do I call him, write a FB message, start a text conversation or write and mail a detailed letter?
Please, please help. I love your blog and I think you offer sage advice, like all the time.
Thank you for your time!
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tonight/wednesday june 13, 2012 9pm pst
join me during ‘boycrazy radio’
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ps: listen to previous episodes of ‘boycrazy radio’ below…
(continued from HERE)
it was a Wednesday night. was it a full moon? it may as well have been. i canceled my podcast to meet a friend of mine at some hollywood party he invited me to; a directors birthday. i knew ahead of time i’d be drinking: partly because i was wanting to have a crazy night and partly cuz i knew i’d be self-conscious going to a party alone and hanging out with famous people. it was all very conscious: i’d had a conversation/checked in with myself (as my therapist would say) and made the decision to get drunk that night and have an adventure; be it a make out, radome sex, an orgy, a threesome, or just end up naked in a hot tub. i had no idea… but i wanted to get weird.
i ate a big macro at m cafe for dinner to line my stomach. i drove to the party, which in hind sight was SUPER stupid (do people ever say ‘soups stoops’?) because i knew i was gonna drink. i totally should have cabbed it. oh well, i handled it all fine. we’ll get to how, later. i pulled up, gave the valet my car (sometimes i forget to take off my bizarro prius key/button thing, and go into wherever it is i’m going leaving the valet in the lurch… but NOT this time! it was a sign! tonight was gonna be a good night! or just memorable!?) i passed by men in bow ties pointing which way to go up the stairs to get to where the party was happening. i navigated walking on the tiniest, most NARROW sliver of concrete between a wall and a pool, praying i didn’t topple in upon arrival. i would have DIED! DIED!
i wondered if i might end up in the pool later, topless with all the other party goers. and hopefully only the most good-looking of the bunch! but that was neither here no there. i didn’t have time to wonder about ridiculous NONENSE… hey look, there’s my friend! he wasn’t exactly a friend. he was an acquaintance i’d known for a while. i’d always been attracted to him… but something about him scared me. was it the fact that i thought he might be mean and have no feelings? yes! also, i just didn’t feel safe with him. and yet i was drawn to him. he has nice eyes and is really smart. unfortunately i knew i’d never get close enough to really learn from him. and for political reasons, i could never date him… cuz i’m taller and he dated my friend. i’m actually kind of over the height thing. kind of. also, i knew if i ever slept with him… he would turn on me in an instant. we would no longer even have the casual semblance of a friendship we were pretending to have. which at least involved witty banter and occasional texting. i love being able to text with people i don’t know very well about the deepest darkest most honest thoughts i’m having at any given moment. it’s like emotional chat roulette, except without the visuals, and in twitter form. n e wayz…
i said hello to my friend who’d invited me, immediately ordered a vodka soda, sat down next to that dude who wrote that movie, i know, right?! i ran into people i knew that i didn’t expect to see. one of which was a beautiful girl, whose face always makes me happy when i see it. she was dressed ONLY/ALL in red. this would only add to the night!
me and my girlfriend in red (who is like a foot shorter than me btw) did laps and took in the party: holy shit! a rapper i’d had a crush on for like 2 weeks, a weird indie pop star girl with lip injections wearing flats (later i was so happy to see her eating a cup cake… it just made her more likable) and a bevy of other people i’ll get to…
one drink turned into four and before i knew it i was negotiating a threesome with a pale skinned, bloated (i’m assuming from pills), yet charming and smart gothy pop star with weird eyes and his hot babe girlfriend who said that if we all were to have sex- i was only allowed to have sex with her and not him. wait, what? what kind of bullshit threesome was this turning into… BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED!? i don’t think so! i mean, yes, i know at some point in my life i’ll be out of experiences to experience and will want to learn how to lick pussy… but i wasn’t there yet; and it sure as hell wasn’t gonna happen in a situation being labeled as some MOCK threesome! no dice. it’s for the best though, as i was almost positive the pop star had herpes. on a side note, my gynecologist says everyone has herpes and that getting it is only a matter of time… but i don’t have it, and (knock on wood) i’d like to keep it that way. yikes.
this party was actually like a herpes land mine. i should have stayed home. NOT! anyways, i dodged that std bullet and moved on to gossiping with actors, an ex boyfriend that thinks i’m a nutcase (why? just because i kept repeating my latest mantra “we’re all gonna die! it’s just a matter of when and how! you have to get weird and be brave and collect as many experiences as possible!” followed by “so, total hypothetical, if we were to have sex… would you buy me pancakes tomorrow morning?”) and keeping tabs on the rapper hyphenate. it’s important to ALWAYS have a goal! and my goal of the evening quickly solidified. actually, in this case, i had several 1. don’t get herpes and 2. have sex with a rapper.
on my way to the ladies room, i made out with the guy who invited me to the party (whoops) which was awesome, but it had to be put on ice cuz he had his eye on the singer with lip injections, i had my sights set on the rapper… and this wasn’t a time to fuck around! we could make out ANYTIME! during our kiss the babely director dude walked in (does that mean i’ll never be able to kiss him?) and i ran away, pushing my friend toward lip injections as i linked back up with my bff in red. we found the rapper on a patio… (to be continued)
If you’re a person like me who’s fascinated by love, sex, relationships, people, human interaction/behavior, dating, marriage, monogamy, sexuality, etc… you have to check out one of my favorite websites called: ‘THE MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE’
there’s a reason i love this website. there are MANY reasons:
the site is ALL videos; a ton of short and sweet mini interviews with guys – because we no longer have an attention span! think of the videos as ‘dude of the day’ interviews… except the guys on TMGTL aren’t all hipster try hards!
this site reminds me that men have feelings and morals and a sense of humor and are looking for love/in need of love just as much as women.
nowadays it’s easy to forget that men actually want to be in a partnership, or monogamous instead of always just looking for the next best thing. i forget that men can like being in a relationships and think/feel deeply about them. i forget how sensitive MEN can be.
but all that aside, ‘THE MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE’ is great because you get to hear the inner workings of a guys brain… so you can get all their secrets and then kill them!! jk jk! you know what i mean!