I’ve learned so much about morality and judgment recently. I’m only 18 but recently I feel older. I used to be the kind of girl with strong opinions. I thought the world was black and white; that there was right and wrong. I wanted to be a good person, and that meant holding myself up to a certain standard.
I wouldn’t say I’ve let my standards drop. I still believe in morality. I still believe in goodness, but I judge people less. I’ve learned that you can never understand how or why people do things. You don’t know their feelings or motivations. What I did looks so wrong on so many levels. I know that if I tell my story, people will judge me. They don’t understand why I would do this to someone I loved. “How could you fall in love with your boyfriend’s best friend.” How? Why? What were you thinking?
THAT’S THE THING ABOUT LOVE. You don’t choose. If we chose who we fell for, then the world would be a perfect fucking place. No girls would get fucked over by the bad boys. We could make ourselves fall in love with Mr. Right. But that’s not how it works. We don’t control who we fall in love with, and love fucks with our ability to think properly.
I fell in love with my boyfriend’s best friend. I left my boyfriend for him. I destroyed my relationship with someone I had been dating for 2 years. He destroyed his relationship with someone he had cared for and enjoyed the company of for 3 years, someone he thought of as a brother.
Was it worth it? Yes. There are times I regret it. But I’m a nostalgic person. I like to think about the past and what I shared with my ex. I think about how I hurt him and what an awful person I am and how I hate myself sometimes. But then I look into my boyfriend eyes (the current ones eyes) and I know I made the right choice. How could I stay with someone when I love another man? That would be living a lie. I may be a lot of things but I’m not a cheater or a liar. I’m proud that we waited till I broke up with him to start a physical relationship. I am glad that we grew to be best friends before we started dating. Our relationship is stronger than I could have imagined. I get to make love to my best friend. We understand each other and we talk about growing old together. The likelihood we will make it is slim. Our paths will one day split. But all that matters is that i went for it. I wasn’t too scared to try.
I threw away everything, which was the most invigorating and terrifying feeling. He is like a drug, and I’m being selfish, but junkies only care about their own fix. I didn’t have children with my ex, we were young, I feel that you need to look after yourself when you don’t have any real responsibility. We are too young not to take risks and go for it. Even if we get fucked over we will make it out okay.
And now I judge people less. I think about how no one can know the full story, and unless you’re in the situation… you have no clue how you would react. Everyone who judges me can fuck off because I know that I did the right thing. Well, I guess the right thing would have been to not fall in love with him? But how were we supposed to do that?
I don’t think I’ll ever look back and regret this no matter how it ends. We’re both freaks and I finally feel like I’ve found someone who understands the sides of me I wouldn’t dare show to anyone else. I never believed love like this existed and I’m so lucky to be able to experience it, and if people judge me for it, all I can say is just wait till you find yourself in a moral dilemma. There is no right or wrong, there is just truth, and that comes from your gut. No amount of logic or lists can compete with that feeling of what you truly want.
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