for a second i was in love. it was really real. it was intense. i was in a safe pocket. we had created a world where only the two of us existed. we were in the bubble. that’s a term i use when i’m referring to a love bubble: a space that exists only for the two people who are madly in love with one another. it’s invisible, but you can feel it… at least the two people inside of it can. it surrounded us. we were safe in its protection, until it burst. while we were in the bubble, whether near or far, we checked in with one another. we were so connected. he mattered to me. i mattered to him. such an extreme sense of belonging. now there’s an opening where he used to be. my vagina. just kidding. how dare you. too easy. one day maybe i won’t make those obvious misogynist jokes. but i’m my father’s daughter, so it’s difficult. anyways, there’s a metaphoric opening. now i wander alone again. yeah, my life is full with friends and goals and work and hobbies and projects. but there’s always time and room for the kind of love i just lost. until then, i’ll stay busy, until i’m lucky enough to live in the bubble again. xx
me: will you tell me your theory about what women want vs what men want? i thought it was so interesting.
him: men want the vulnerability of what their mother’s gave them. a safe place where all mistakes are forgiven and all burdens are shared if not taken away completely. it’s messed up because women want the strength their fathers gave (or didn’t give) them. they don’t want a boy who is vulnerable, they want a man who will take care of shit the way their father did. they want their man to carry it all on the inside so that they feel safe and protected, the way their father’s made them feel (hopefully). so therefore, a man never gets what he naturally wants. he has to play a part. i worked all this out when i had a daughter and realized how unconditional my love was for her, and then i realized that she would be seeking that forever… from boys who just want a shoulder to cry on. just watch madmen. the writing on that show is so real to me. such a great character. men love that show because they see a lot of themselves in his character; the same way women did with sex & the city and those four characters. you know, the era of the show, the 60’s or whatever and the cute throwback moments are just icing on the cake. the real genius is in the complexity of his character. men really were never portrayed as that complex before. don’t you think?
do you agree or disagree with this? please respond in the comments section below. i’m dying to hear your thoughts! xx
so once again, i’m going through a break up. this one is different though, and i’ll tell you why: this relationship wasn’t one i was done with. for me, there was so much more to do and experience with him. before i go any further, my ego is demanding i mention that i wasn’t broken up with. no, it was my decision. it could have continued how it was going: long distance. but it wasn’t working for me anymore. it was becoming too disruptive to my life, but i would have continued had there been a plan or a promise of something changing in the future. but this was not the case. and so, in an attempt to protect and take care of myself and be an adult, recognizing something being ‘off’ and not ignoring the red flags… i had to walk away. it’s not easy, and it’s painful and it’s soul crushing. but, now i have to remind myself of how to be on my own again. how to be single again. how to be happy and ‘ok’ with that again. one thing i know is that i’m gonna try it a new way this time. and i’ll tell you what that means in a moment.
i have nothing bad to say about my most recent boyfriend. he is a magical, kind being. quite possibly the kindest, most precious, gentle guy i’ve ever known. but for reasons i’ll keep to myself, which i’ve already blabbed about enough with him, my best friends, my therapist, my mom, and my podcast listeners – it can’t be. i want to say ‘it cant be, right now.’ but that would mean i’m holding onto false hope. and i don’t want to expect anything. i’d rather be happily surprised if it works out in the future.
i’m mourning the death of my relationship with my best friend. someone i’ve become addicted to and used as a grounding source.
when i say, i’ll be trying it (single life) a new way in the future, i mean this: i will be very particular and choosy and protective of myself. i won’t give myself away so easily to men who put their attention on me. not at all. it’s as if during the experience of this relationship i grew up and learned to treasure/respect myself more. this person i loved and will always love (even if i do experience pangs of feeling extremely let down & disappointed by him cuz he didn’t have it in him to go the extra mile and take a chance to see how far we could take the potential of this really special relationship) treated me beautifully. he made me coffee in the morning, has strong morals, made me feel undeniably safe in the sense that he would never cheat, respects women, is thoughtful, kind, sent me flowers, held the door, we were vulnerable together, we sung songs, i forced him out of his shell, etc. we had so much fun together – no matter what we did, or where we traveled. holding hands walking down the street in silence. it all felt like we were in our own bubble. it has never stopped feeling that way. all the way up to the day i last said goodbye to him, watching him leave my apartment.
and even though he is essentially unavailable, i know he loved me as much as he could love anyone. i know this. and now i value myself so much more after being treated so beautifully. i can only hope to find someone as kind, and talented, and thoughtful, and interesting, and fascinating, and beautiful to me as i did him. so if nothing else, while i cry and mourn the death of this magical exciting experience i had… i’m very thankful to have had it.
1. tv matters so much to people & particularly kids, because it’s consistent & dependable. especially when your home life isn’t.
2. if you don’t have a boyfriend and you’re lonely, just reframe the relationships you DO have in your life! just pretend your platonic male bff is your boyfriend, at least until you find the NEXT boy of your dreams. celebrate your platonic relationships you have. they’re just as important, interesting, special, and beneficial… minus the penetration.
3. girls: please get the period tracker application and then send screen grabs of your menstruation calendar to all your closest friends, family, coworkers, and boyfriends so they can know when & why you’re acting like a crazy loon.
4.if you always do what you want to do. you can never really have regrets.
5.don’t get a cat, get your period, put a tampon inside you; which is essentially a string hanging out of your vagina, then go to bed with no undies on, ABOVE the covers, with your legs apart. this is a recipe for disaster. you see where I’m going with this, don’t you? just don’t do it.
6. what if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can’t afford an education?
7. last night WAS fun! relax!
8. start referring to driving your own car somewhere as ‘ubering yourself’.
9. don’t cry cuz it’s over, laugh cuz it happened.
10. don’t make important decisions on your period or a full moon… like i do. : /