so once again, i’m going through a break up. this one is different though, and i’ll tell you why: this relationship wasn’t one i was done with. for me, there was so much more to do and experience with him. before i go any further, my ego is demanding i mention that i wasn’t broken up with. no, it was my decision. it could have continued how it was going: long distance. but it wasn’t working for me anymore. it was becoming too disruptive to my life, but i would have continued had there been a plan or a promise of something changing in the future. but this was not the case. and so, in an attempt to protect and take care of myself and be an adult, recognizing something being ‘off’ and not ignoring the red flags… i had to walk away. it’s not easy, and it’s painful and it’s soul crushing. but, now i have to remind myself of how to be on my own again. how to be single again. how to be happy and ‘ok’ with that again. one thing i know is that i’m gonna try it a new way this time. and i’ll tell you what that means in a moment.
i have nothing bad to say about my most recent boyfriend. he is a magical, kind being. quite possibly the kindest, most precious, gentle guy i’ve ever known. but for reasons i’ll keep to myself, which i’ve already blabbed about enough with him, my best friends, my therapist, my mom, and my podcast listeners – it can’t be. i want to say ‘it cant be, right now.’ but that would mean i’m holding onto false hope. and i don’t want to expect anything. i’d rather be happily surprised if it works out in the future.
i’m mourning the death of my relationship with my best friend. someone i’ve become addicted to and used as a grounding source.
when i say, i’ll be trying it (single life) a new way in the future, i mean this: i will be very particular and choosy and protective of myself. i won’t give myself away so easily to men who put their attention on me. not at all. it’s as if during the experience of this relationship i grew up and learned to treasure/respect myself more. this person i loved and will always love (even if i do experience pangs of feeling extremely let down & disappointed by him cuz he didn’t have it in him to go the extra mile and take a chance to see how far we could take the potential of this really special relationship) treated me beautifully. he made me coffee in the morning, has strong morals, made me feel undeniably safe in the sense that he would never cheat, respects women, is thoughtful, kind, sent me flowers, held the door, we were vulnerable together, we sung songs, i forced him out of his shell, etc. we had so much fun together – no matter what we did, or where we traveled. holding hands walking down the street in silence. it all felt like we were in our own bubble. it has never stopped feeling that way. all the way up to the day i last said goodbye to him, watching him leave my apartment.
and even though he is essentially unavailable, i know he loved me as much as he could love anyone. i know this. and now i value myself so much more after being treated so beautifully. i can only hope to find someone as kind, and talented, and thoughtful, and interesting, and fascinating, and beautiful to me as i did him. so if nothing else, while i cry and mourn the death of this magical exciting experience i had… i’m very thankful to have had it.