the blind leading the blind (part 131):

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1. if the most exciting thing in your life is that you forgot you posted a pic on insta and now you’re excited to check and see how many likes and comments you received… you are leading an extremely  weak life.

 

2. girls. although i can see why it might be fun and add a sense of urgency and excitement to your life; running out of tampons and waiting until you’re actually having your period – to the point of leaking – to run to the drugstore to buy more tampons, is an embarrassing accident waiting to happen.

 

3. prefer surface streets.

 

4. new goal, try to exhaust your boyfriend less this week.

 

5. cab drivers, especially the ones in New York, will always give better advice than any uber driver ever could.

 

6. guys! make spotify playlists for the girl you like! it’s SO romantic and so EASY! wake up! for the love of god, do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

 

7. never text the director of the film you’re watching while you are watching it. it will only annoy him and garner a response like ‘stop texting and watch!’

 

8.  at some point in your relationship, in order to get to the next level and graduate to real intimacy, you MUST surrender to trusting the person you’re with and believing that they love you, won’t hurt you, and mean what they say. you might even think you’re doing that with the person you’re with now, but look closely at yourself. take a moment to think about how you feel. are you always mad at him? do you start fights for no reason; to push him away? to test him? do you get jealous for no real reason other than the fact that you assume the worst – even though he hasn’t done anything except follow a person of the opposite sex on instagram? take all of this into consideration and ask yourself ‘do i still have one foot in and one foot out? do i still doubt him? do i still have him at arms distance, but it’s so subconscious i don’t even realize it?’ just think about it.

 

9. let’s bring the word ‘queer’ back! it’s so much more colorful than ‘bisexual’ or ‘gay’. plus it’s so fun to say and makes me feel all squirmy and alive! just try it! let me know how it makes YOU feel! even the facial responses you’ll get after making the decision to use this word instead of another are fun to watch. #yolo

 

10. whichever law & order series you choose as your favorite says a LOT about you. my favorite is svu. : /

 

GUEST POST: ‘Things I’ve Learned About Men’ By Amanda Leigh

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I can read a man like a book. But I haven’t always been that way. I had to get seriously played to learn the game. (So to speak. I can’t stand games. It’s a figure of speech.) In other words, I’ve been hurt, surprised, upset, shocked, duped, and manipulated enough to consider myself a seasoned dater. It doesn’t take me long to figure a man out and it isn’t complicated. You just have to be willing to admit the truth of what you see to yourself. Here is a short list of things I have learned from my dating experiences with men. I know you have a short attention span so I tried to keep it brief for you. You’re welcome. Here it goes…

•If a man takes you to a restaurant where everyone knows him and waits on him hand and foot, you are not special. That’s where he takes all of his dates.

•If he refuses to get a pedicure because it’s not manly, he will not go with you to see a therapist to work on your relationship issues. He has too much pride.

•If he says he doesn’t like drama, he will be the one to create it.

•If he tries to have sex with you without a condom on your first date, he does that with every woman he meets. Good luck when you get an STD test.

•If he doesn’t call or text the day after you have sex with him for the first time, he’s not going to be your boyfriend.

•If he artfully changes the subject when you ask him if he’s married, he’s married.

•If he doesn’t walk you to your car at the end of the night he isn’t a caring, conscientious person.

•If he calls you to tell you he’s driving in your neighborhood but doesn’t come over to fuck you he has a small penis.

•If he calls you “sweetie”, “honey”, or “baby” before you actually get to know him well, he doesn’t respect women. He may call your mother that when he first meets her.

•If he says, “you need to relax” or “you’re overreacting” when you’re sharing your feelings, he’s emotionally immature and incapable of listening and hearing you.If you can’t tell whether he’s gay or straight, he’s gay.

•If he’s a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, he likely won’t recover from narcissism.

•If you only hear from him every once in a while and there is no consistency in his communication he’s not that excited about you. He won’t wake up one day and change his mind.

•If he’s an asshole or a douche… he’s an asshole or a douche. If you try to change him you will make yourself crazy.

A man who is healthy, mature, and respectful will be straightforward, honest, and considerate. He will handle his business. He will honor you and be genuine about his intentions. He won’t lie or act like an immature idiot. He won’t have anything to prove. He will get it. Wait for him. He’s worth it.

I’m still waiting for my guy that’s for sure. If you know of anyone, please let me know. In the meantime you can find me cuddling on a Friday night with my four-legged sexless lesbian lover (AKA my dog.) #ImSingle

If you want to follow me on Insta, I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m facebook.com/therealamandaleigh.

the blind leading the blind (part 130):

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1. if he’s never posted a photo of you on Instagram during your relationship, but you have… you love him more.

 

2. sometimes the only requirements for a girl thinking a guy’s a creep is her knowing that you like her, and her not being attracted to you. but throw in bad shoes, an outdated wallet, a bizare facial hair choice, bad breath… and the dude goes NEXT level and graduates to a SUPER creep lurker!

 

3. if no one will be his girlfriend and the dude keeps venting about it, wondering why girls don’t want to be his gf and only want to be friends with him after two or 3 dates… you can be sure he has a tiny dick. be it a nubbin, a mushroom, or skinny like a pencil… it’s the dudes disappointing private that’s to blame for his predicament. but it’s ALWAYS the one thing he never considers or brings up.

 

4. when you know a relationship is coming to an end, start deleting all the Instagram evidence of it ever existing.

 

5. sometimes all you REALLY need is a polish change, and not the whole mani pedi. faster, cheaper, and WAY less boring to sit through!

 

6. if you get along better when you text then you do when you actually speak on the phone, there’s a problem.

 

7. never shoot up (photographically speaking) on a woman. this will only ever be a horrible, unflattering angle for a woman. no matter how beautiful she might be; no matter how ‘great’ a photographer you think you might be… shoot from above. even if only just slightly. trust me.

 

8.  if you’re always disappointed by him, it’s not his fault anymore, it’s YOURS for staying with him.

 

9. eating bananas in public is one of the most embarrassing things you’ll ever do… if you’re a completely boring pussy.

 

10. dear masseuse with very hairy arms: your arm hair is in my mouth.

 

TONIGHT ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ – CALL IN… xoxo

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the blind leading the blind (part 129):

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1. while on the plane, en route to visit the boyfriend you’re in a long distance relationship with, it’s very important you do your kegel exercises.

 

2. if you can combine fighting with your boyfriend with being stressed out about work, you’ll be on the most effective weight loss plan possible!

 

3. if you can’t stand the thought of her with another guy, then you better fight for her.

 

4. if you’re wanting to see him stresses him out, he doesn’t love you as much as you want him to.

 

5. when the losses and the gains blur, it’s probably over.

 

6. when you lose hope and faith in the relationship, it’s over.

 

7. if you’re always waiting on someone elses terms & time frame, it’s exhausting and the relationship is imbalanced.

 

8. a man whose life is dictated by his cats, is a man you don’t want to be with.

 

9. you know you had a horrible trip if you didn’t take a single picture… OR you were living in the moment… In MY case, it was a series of horrible moments.

 

10. the best and saddest thing about breaking up with someone you’ve been dating long distance is that, once it’s over, there is a 99% chance you will never run into them again.

is it me? it must be me.

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i didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t tell if i was angry at him for the reasons I said I was; or was trying to ruin it? was i just testing him (which is just another way of saying ‘trying to ruin it’) to see how much he could endure/see how much he loved me/see if i could prove myself right, so i could say “see?! i knew you would leave me. i knew you would eventually abandon me. just like my father. there’s no such thing as unconditional love!”

then again, these questions could also be asked of my behavior in every other serious relationship i’d ever been in.

ugh. once again I found myself single, or at least on the verge of being single.

and the worst part, in trying to make sense of it all, was how good i was at assuming no responsibility and pinning all the blame on the guy.

GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh

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When Things Get Weird

By Amanda Leigh

I hate dating. I hate the word hate even more. I’m at the point where if you don’t knock my socks off, I’d rather stay home and not spend the hour plus getting ready that it takes to go out with you.

I’m an independent woman. I know who I am. I have a full, vibrant life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Plus I have a dog to cuddle with and a great vibrator. So to knock my socks off at this point isn’t easy.

I met a man online recently who excited me enough to curl my hair and leave the house in make-up to meet him. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours straight 2 days in a row before meeting face to face. When I saw his beautiful big blue eyes in real time there was an instant spark.

We didn’t leave each other’s side for 3 weeks straight. We talked about our life goals, dreams, and we even talked about getting a place together. Everything lined up. We decided to be exclusive and agreed that this was something special.

I thought I had met the Ice-T to my Coco. My friends thought I was crazy. We’ve all heard the stories. Two people meet when they’re least expecting it and boom! They’re together for life. It could happen to anyone. And I thought it was happening to me.

He didn’t fit the pattern of the emotionally unavailable, douchey turd bags I’ve dated in the past. First of all, he was a full-blown, no-holds-barred gainfully employed tech nerd with no spray tan and no metrosexual tendencies. He grew up on a farm in the Midwest and didn’t relate to the absurdity of Hollywood. Secondly, he was single and not married pretending to be single. And thirdly, he was straightforward, kind, generous, loving, chivalrous, and funny. He insisted on open, honest communication. He was even tall. Finding a tall employed man with values in Los Angeles is like finding a unicorn.

Things were going great. I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. Friends were happy that I was finally getting some good D from a nice guy with a good heart. I introduced him to my dog and she literally followed him into the shower and licked the tub when he got out. Then one day, out of the blue, things got weird.

I hate it when things get weird. But sadly, I’m also used to it. That moment when you don’t know what is about to happen but you know it will make you cry. Or feel sad. Or lose what you’ve been enjoying so much. A nauseous fearful feeling takes over your body. That moment when you know you are about to get really hurt by someone else. Yep. It was about to happen to me.

Suddenly, he seemed less interested, impatient, and distant.  He stopped replying to text messages right away, stopped taking the initiative to call me, and his tone of voice changed when we spoke on the phone. Because I don’t like unspoken weirdness, I asked him what was up. He assured me everything was fine on his end.

A couple of days after I noticed this change in his energy, he dropped a bomb in my morning orange juice. He said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that our exclusivity is off the table. Why? Because I need to focus on work and you’re a  distraction from it.  I really didn’t want to cry so I held it in. Um, yeah that’s so dumb to even try to do and it doesn’t work. It actually makes crying worse because rather than drizzling tears you actually burst and pour. And that’s what I did. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I could balance everything. Blah blah blah…

Ohhhkkkkk….

Men consistently say they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings but they do it in ways that seem so ridiculous, uncaring, and avoidable. Many men project that having a relationship is a bad thing – that all women are a hassle or take up too much time because they have been in relationships with unhealthy women in the past. It’s not fair to those of us who are healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative, and understanding. I’m not your ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife. My intention in partnership is to both thrive and be more successful together than we are apart. Not to weigh anyone down. Myself included.

How does someone go from full speed ahead to a screeching halt like that? If he had told me in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship I would not have gone out with him.

My hunch is that he is avoiding the exact thing he actually wants and needs with some strange excuse about work and about his inability to focus.

There’s no perfect time for anything in life. If you want something badly enough and are capable of embracing it, you will make it happen and balance your responsibilities regardless of obstacles. Clearly, he didn’t want to make the effort.

I’m moving on. Quickly. I’ve already spoken with two ex-boyfriends who told me it’s his loss. And Doin Me is on replay in my car. I’m back to the dating grind. I already cancelled a date with a guy who sent me a dick pick before we met in person. And I’m back online full force communicating with other morons looking for that needle in a haystack. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of Gods children but some are idiots. Sorry, God.

I guess I was under the wrong impression that if a guy is nerdy looking, doesn’t kiss on the second date, and drinks O’Douls that things won’t get weird. I should have known when he brought his silverware disinfectant to dinner that something weird would happen. Note to self: add that to the list of dating red flags.

 

If you want to follow me on Insta I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m www.facebook/therealamandaleigh. I’m working on being more narcissistic so hopefully my lack of selfies won’t bore you.

the blind leading the blind (part 128):

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1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 

Tonight “BOYCRAZY RADIO” – Call in! xx

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Things To Keep You From Killing Yourself:

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if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold - after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

call me any wed at 9pm pst during ‘boycrazy radio’ if you need a pep talk or a friend (646) 378-0649 / i’ll serve as a big sister who listens, distracts you, and offers advice.

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi



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