I’m in the fucking horrible process of detoxifying my body or whatever you wanna call it. in a few days, i’ll be driving to a place in desert hot springs called ‘we care: a juice fasting and spiritual retreat’. even the name makes me gag. but, that doesn’t seem to be stopping me.
‘we care’ is THE place to go when you wanna pay a lot of money to be starved and given colonics. the detox process before going on my fast at ‘we care’ involves: no caffeine, no dairy, no nuts, bananas, grains, pasta, meat, cheese, processed food, caffeine, or alcohol. I’M DYING! i can barely write. seriously. i feel gutted and empty. last night i came home at like 4am, and posted the lamest shit. i blame ‘we care’.
here’s what I CAN have:
*fruit, raw and steamed vegetables, juices, herb teas.
*2 table spoons of olive oil before bedtime.
*8 oz of prune juice in the morning and herbal laxatives or laxative teas nightly.
um, why would i need a laxative? how many times can i say this: girls DON’T go to the bathroom. duh. bathrooms are for snorting cocaine, putting on makeup and gossiping with your girlfriends.
my stomach is eating itself! this is why i could never and have never been able to be anorexic. but what really scares me is the fact that i am going to VOLUNTARILY let a stranger at ‘we care’ insert a tube in my bum to blast my colon with warm water. and then massage out the poison. NOT that i even HAVE a colon. cuz girls don’t do ANYTHING gross. ALL our holes are sewn up! except the vadge hole- of course! otherwise we’d be USELESS! well i guess the colonic lady’s gonna have to rip out the seams, cuz she’s going in! NOOOOO!
ass=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-size:small;”>i’m scared. i just want to get it over with. i had to pay in advance. NOW this has become more a money thing than anything else. i WON’T have those ‘we care’ motherfuckers keep my money! my head is woozy. i miss coffee. it’s only been three days! but i’m not ashamed; i fucking LOVE coffee! it’s all i’ve got! i wake up for it. it makes me feel understood and taken care of. it totally completes me. that starbucks cup isn‘t just an epic drink, it’s a goddamn fashion accessory.
anywayzies, back to my fear of the colonics that lurk in my future. i’ve NEVER even had ANAL sex. if i do this, does it mean i HAVE had anal sex? or SHOULD? do i base my feeling on whether i’ll like anal sex on how i react when the lady puts the plastic rod, or whatever it’s called, into my bum hole? oh no! what if it isn’t a lady? i will NOT let a man see me like this! i’ll just have to request a lady! what if all the garbage they syphon out of me doesn’t even make me look thinner? if that’s the case, will it really make me less toxic and healthier? is this whole thing a sham? probably. but a bum syphoning and a few days of not eating CAN’T make me fatter. i did this to myself.
here’s a look at what i tried to pass off as an alright post yesterday. i apologize. it was superficial bullshit:
so, there was a party for nylon magazine last night. it’s hard for me to get motivated to go out MOST of the time. i complain, try to talk myself out of it, get lazy, do surgery on my face so i’d be crazy to be seen in pubic. but not last night. last night i didn’t give a fuck. tights, eyeliner, and out the door. i had pants and a shirt on too. but that’s not the point. the point is, i had boycrazy stickers to hand out and beautiful boys to prey upon. and that’s what i did.
i ran into lots of beautiful people that i love seeing, and i even made some new friends. i danced to lady gaga. yeah. lady fucking gaga. i couldn’t stop eye darting (that’s when you’re SUPPOSED to be focusing on the person you’re talking to, but your eyes keep darting around the room cuz you can’t stop looking at what’s going on around you). i hate when people do that to me, and here i was doing it too. but the party was too fucking crowded! i had to!
a girls hair caught on fire, which i thought was epic. she ran off screaming after we put it out, totally ignoring me when i offered her a sticker. my mantra for the evening was ‘free stickers for beautiful people.’ where do i come up with this shit?
the ‘hills’ was being shot at the party. i MIGHT even be an extra on the episode. DREAMS DO COME TRUE! i tried not to be, but my friendbrooke kept sitting at a banquet near the filming. what can you do? life is so hard! i was so confused! the hills was on tv during the party AND being filmed AT the party! wtf? it’s like that ‘if a tree falls in the forest‘ saying or whatever…. yowsers! good thing i have tivo. xo
in these pix: ‘the hills’ being filmed like only a pretend reality show can be filmed!
so, the other day i was on the phone with my friend jesse. i had just walked out of the american apparel on ventura blvd and had A LOT of hot goss to spew. mid conversation, i walked past a parked fire truck. HMMMM, where there’s a fire truck, firemen are SURE to follow! there was no sign of a blazing inferno and a few steps further down the boulevard i hit FIREMAN MECCA! a table of fireman dudes having lunch! it was too good to be true. i didn’t know what to do. i got nervous. i wanted to approach them, but i was too shy. my heart started beating faster than normal even! thank god for jesse’s words of encouragement: ‘you have to do this dude. they’re firemen! if anyone knows what to do, it’s you.’ she was right. i hung up the phone. (even though it’s a blackberry and there was nothing to hang it on. that phrase just doesn’t make sense anymore.) and took a deep breath.
i KNOWi’m not the first to talk about how sexy firemen are. duh! this is OLD news that carriebradshaw’s already covered! but it’s a cliche that’s REAL and a stereotype i believe! firemen make you feel sexy and are super attractive even if theyAREN’T attractive or your USUAL type at all! i mean, the four people who read this probably find themselves with the skinny pale indie dude time and time again, and i get that! i’ve lived that! i support that! i’m totally a member of the ‘i like dudes that could tip over if you bump into them/get questioned about their sexuality non stop.’ so this is probably why my fascination with firemen is even more crazers. they don’t have the ‘band dude’ vibe at all. my genetic coding says i’m not allowed to lust over a fireman dude….and yet i do. and it’s not a crime.
some of them look like ken doll/beef cake/meat heads. but in that red truck and that official uniform, the term beefcake becomes the most appealing thing in the world. oh shit, i’m like samanthajones over here. but i can’t stop!
i ALWAYS wave at fire men and they ALWAYS smile when i do. because they KNOW they’re sexy. they KNOW they make girls w*t. they rescue people, they have muscles, and a paying job! nuff said!
the following video doesn’t even BEGIN to express the SERIOUSNESS of the sexual prowess of firemen! it’s more just me saying: can you believe i stumbled upon a table full of firemen? kuh-razy! soon, i will delve deeper and find a fire house to visit and interview the cutest of the beef head meat cakes or whatever! i love you. xo
so, I’ve been getting A LOT of e-mails asking for advice on how to lose your virginity. e-mails from girls who are between the ages of 19 and 26 who are still virgins, asking me for advice. i didn’t really know how i could help or what i could say. so i gave it some thought and here’s what i came up with:
wanna lose your virginity? It’s super easy! just spread your legs and place the dude’s erect penis into your hopefully wet privates aka vagina. Super easy! Virginity GONE! What more do you need to know?
Oh, sorry. you mean; how do you go about picking the right person? Getting tested? Approaching a guy in the first place? Trusting him? Trusting yourself? Being brave and jumping off the cliff into sexdom? ‘sexdom‘? Sometimes I write shit and I say to myself “who are you? Why did you write that? you’re totally misrepresenting yourself.” But then I shrug and keep writing. My style is more stream of consciousness. I just have to keep going or else I’ll panic, over think and stop writing all together. Feel free to use this as an analogy regarding your sex life and losing your virginity.
What else is it called? Popping your cherry? Gross. Anywayzies. It’s a big deal cuz you’ll ALWAYS remember the first person you ever let inside you, but you probably won’t be marrying this person. They are a stop on your life’s path! A memory. A hurdle to jump over. a tool used for growing up. Just make sure he doesn’t have herpes, gonorrhea, warts, chlamydia, hpv, and isn’tHIV +. cuz that shiz will haunt you forevs.
Listen, it’s pretty cool you’ve waited this long. (i’m talking more to the 19 year old. 26 is bordering on tragic heap.) It means you’re nervous, thinking about it, and take yourself seriously. So since you’ve waited this long, you shouldn’t be worried about waiting a teeny bit longer for you and the dude to get tested. Don’t pick up some random guy off the street or some mall dude over the weekend. (any other time, that would be cool- but not to take your virgin status!) If you’re in high school or college, there are tons of dudes. All aching to get in some girls vadge! Duh! Don’t forget, YOU have the power! your vadge is- to a guys dick- like the entry way into some exclusive Hollywood club!
Maybe you should lose it to a close heterosexual male friend you have that you never really looked at that way. Like dawson’s creek styles! It would be COOLER if he’s more experienced than you too! Then you could ask him questions about giving blow jobs and stuff. giving a great blow job is a beautiful and powerful thing. haters, you can hate, but it’s the truth.
let him go down on you too! don’t let him stop until you cum. Take a bath first so you’re all scrubbed up and clean- so there’s no room for embarrassment or self consciousness! and I’m praying to GOD you’ve been masturbating long enough to even KNOW what an orgasm feels like! It’s like a warm tickley explosion in your nether regions! Make it a familiar feeling!
How’s that? I can’t hold your hand through this, but I can leave u with this: Have sex (whether it’s the first time or the millionth time) with someone you trust, who makes you feel safe. and ALWAYS use a condom. AND even though he’s wearing a condom, make sure he pulls out before he cums! Cuz condom’s break and if something goes wrong- unfortunately it’s on the girl to take the morning after pill, get an abortion or HAVE the baby! So, take care of yourselves beautiful girls! xoxo
the other night I went on a date with a dude. we met up at real food daily; a vegan restaurant on la cienega. I still prefer m cafe-but whatevs! I’m not gonna slit my wrists or anything. I just LOVE it when straight dudes like to eat healthy! We finished our food, and I got in his car so we could drive to erewhon market to get dessert. we sat outside sharing raw vegan ice cream and a piece of cake (it was actually pie, but i think the word cake is so much cuter) and continued our hangout sesh. we liked eachother. i just know it.
We got BACK in his car and headed towards RFD- where MY car waited. but somehow we ended up in the parking lot of norms; a coffee shop up the street from RFD. We sat in silence looking at eachother. he leaned in. I leaned in, tilted my head to the right and we kissed.
All I could think was “oh my god, it’s like 11th grade all over again!” And “wait a minute, this parking lot is WAY too bright to have sex.” And “oh shit, am I about to get finger banged? Do people still do that? Am I ready to backtrack like that? Are his fingernails encrusted in filth? Did he wash his hands? Do I really want to be associated with finger banging at this point in my life? It’s 2009 for gods sake! Oh fuck it, fuck it. This dude can finger bang the shit outta me if he wants! Tonight I will be the mayor of finger banged city.” FYI: This was all going on in the privacy of my mind! What a horrible phrase btw: ‘finger bang’. I’m writing it over and over just to free myself of any power it might have to make me feel uncomfortable or low brow.
all this internal jibber jabber, and the dude totally did NOT even put his finger in my privates! INSTEAD, the dude and I kept kissing. sometimes hard and fast. sometimes very slow and soft. ALWAYS charged with meaning. It’s like I was feeling lips for the first time. Hyper aware of what it feels like to kiss. it was as dirty as sex. revealing and vulnerable. this ‘sensual’(gag) kissing required time to be taken and technique. Thank god I slowed down and stopped being as rough and passionate as i CAN be, or else i would have missed the entire experience! i can be soft and tender too!
Yuck, this post is even grossing ME out. HOW are YOU guys doing? hang in there. We stopped kissing, looked at eachother, and said nothing. he started the car and pulled into another empty lot across the street. but this lot was dark enough to be naughty in.
He got on top of me, and well…..did lots of stuff. he did ALL the BEST stuff. but the point of the story is this: I couldn’t believe how conducive his car was for EPIC f**king! It was a Subaru. who knew? understated. reliable. disguising itself as a family car. close to the ground. Wide enough not to feel claustrophobic. cushy leather seats, plush against my skin. plenty of things to grip onto, allowing me to switch it up and hold myself in various positions. What a night! What a date! And what a car! i love you.
1. on a date, order mint tea, instead of the sugary chai late you’d rather drink! you’ll look way more fem and alluring! you might even lose a pound! PRIVACY is for bloating; NOT dates in public!
2. if you read a blog and it pisses you off, stop reading it. if you continue to read it, get upset, and comment like a raving lunatic- it means the following: you are a fucking retarded waster of time! on the other hand, if reading a blog makes you happy and entertains you, go right ahead!
3. the phrase is: “couldn’t care less”! NOT, “could care less”! for example: “i hate my ex boyfriend so much, i COULDN’T care less if he fucked another girl!” the point is, you care SO LITTLE, you can’t possibly care any less than you already do. this phrase is misused all the time. i think beyonce even used it incorrectly in her last single. such a bummer. in a perfect world I’d like to believe that everything beyonce does is right! but, that’s simply not true.
4. if you get everything waxed off your privates, don’t go running errands around town in a mini skirt. you’re vagina can’t be trusted and discharge could fly out of it at any moment. without hair OR undies to prevent this from happening, you could have an uuber embarrassing accident while looking for soup on the top shelf of aisle six in the super market and there’s a stock boy below you, restocking soup cans.
5. Jesus, what was # 4 all about? that was random, riiiight???
6. when dealing with perfume, spray once and glide through it like the angel that you are. too much perfume could ruin your chances/induce a hard off with the boy of your dreams AND/OR even the dirtiest of the long haired, broke, sexy dudes who hang out in dark corners of pianos/little joy/the short stop (insert hair shaker bar here) with five o’clock shadow, a drug & cigarette addiction- who you don’t even want a relationship with;just a casual sex sesh, where hopefully no one gets gonorrhea! so, one spritz please. less is more.
7. if he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.
8. don’t forget to have sex in cars this summer. tinted windows or not, cars are awesome cuz there are lots of things to grip onto. and the possibility of getting caught is kind of sexy too, I’m not gonna lie.
9. if you’re over 25 (male or female), not religious, still a virgin and don’t want to be……I’ll be over in 10 minutes. jk, jk: but, seriously, go to whole foods/trader joes/the 101 cafe/the arclight/m cafe and hit on the next hot babe you see. power moves could change your life! good luck. and try not to get aids.
10. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. i love you.
meet yvan rodic AKA the face hunter. i did! and the entire experience was awesome! he’s a blogger too(except he has a way bigger following than me), he’s a boy, and he takes pictures of interesting faces that he finds all around the world. he also has an Internet TV show even!!!
he’s part Serbian, part Swiss and now lives in London. he speaks English, french, German, some Serbian and Swedish.
yvan was recently in the states for a few weeks- passing through Los Angeles after going to coachella! Rickey Kim put us in touch and yvan and i interviewed eachother/cross blogged by the light installation outside LACMA! it was a beautiful setting for a fist time meet. i recommend it to anyone who has an upcoming blind date and no idea where to rendezvous! check out this very candid interview yvan granted me; where we talk about monogamy, privates, relationships, french, and love. ALL from a boys perspective! he even has a neato accent that will enchant all the girlies who are sick of the usual American accent they can find from any Starbucks or mall guy they meet in their boring home town. pow! check it out:
So, you managed to fall in love! that’s AWESOME! CONGRATULATIONS! you’re euphoric. the sex is beautiful. you make extreme eye contact when he’s deep inside you. he inspires you to be brave and take over the world. you can look at eachother and know exactly what the other is thinking, without saying a word. you laugh SO HARD at the exact same things, it’s like you’re little kids again! tickle fights ensue and you want to hug him/SQUEEZE him sooo tight and never let go, cuz you can’t believe you’ve found the LOVE of your life……….AND THEN YOU MEET HIS ASSHOLE FRIENDS! epic love story RUINED!
after i broke up with my ex, every once in a while i thought about getting back together with him. maybe I’d just suck it up and get married and pretend nothing bad every happened between us. i thought, ‘I’ll just accept his flaws, hope he accepts mine, and this will be our life.’ but SOMETHING always popped up. something that love and growing up and therapy could never change: I HATE HIS BROTHER.
my ex and his brother are in a band together. they have a bizarre love hate relationship. a ‘bromance‘ if you will. but one that is SUPER dysfunctional. NOTHING like Brody and Freddy’s relationship on the hills! THOSE guys are TOTALLY functional. this is more along the lines of Brody and Spencer’s relationship; but WAY darker and angry/broody styles).
from the first time i met my
ex’s brother (i remember it as if it was yesterday) it was at the beauty bar on Cahuenga. it was loud. i REALLY wanted him to like me and i immediately put my foot in my mouth; saying something about his parents not being together and my parents not being together. i guess i was trying to show that i could totally relate to his childhood or whatever? who knows? i blew it. but i didn’t think THAT was gonna be my only shot!
he got pulled into another conversation and i never got to explain what i meant/what i was TRYINGto say: that i was a good person who had a huge crush on his brother.
i wonder if the mean bro even remembers ANY of this. but from then on, it was a downward spiral. see how wanting people to like you only bites you in the ass and makes you look lame?! I’m exhibit A!
as my relationship progressed (it lasted 5 years), i was always a bit nervous around mean bro. mean bro’s silent gaze/aloof nature made me feel super duper uncomfortable. and because of the fact that boyfriend and mean bro were in a band together, it was nearly impossible to escape being near him. SHIT! at shows, on the tour bus, planes, traveling, parties. bf, mean bro, and me. i would even hang out with MB’s girlfriend every now and then. (because we were the girlfriend, we got lumped together when
the band had band stuff to attend to. it’s in the how to be a band dude’s girlfriend rulebook.)she’s lovely. even now i have a place for her in my heart. i ALSO got along with their mom and other brothers too! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WAS THIS SO HARD?
the MAIN problem was the relationship between my boyfriend and his brother. THEY were caustic. They were opposites who worked together. my bf liked to argue and be a brat with his self righteousness that buried itself deep down into peoples (and more importantly- his brothers) skin. i became an extension of my bf to the mean bro. i was never looked at or spoken to as if i were my own person.
as the years went by, mean bro’s drug addiction made him even more unlikable, and removed any possibility of us making peace. why did i need his validation so badly? why do i still think about him? because i don’t like unresolved issues in my life! I’m brazen and would rather get everything on the table and work it out. mean bro HATED confrontation!
they were Australian. i always felt his hatred of American culture and I was the ultimate American! a loud, opinionated, obnoxious woman. what a nightmare for him. I say things like, “oh my god! NO WAY! totally!” (my staple phrases at any given moment.) but when i said these things around him (or even laugh to hard) I’d echo in my ears because I’d catch him imitating me to others, ignore me, and be nicer than i EVER saw him be- to complete strangers, but never to ME.
recently, long since I’d broken up with my ex, mean bro’s girlfriend e-mailed me. she wrote to check in on me, to apologize for MB’S behavior towards me and to try to explain it. i told you she was a sweetheart! but i still want an apology from him. or at least some resolution. from mean bro directly! but that may never happen. and it shouldn’t matter to me if it does or doesn’t. he has no power over me. that labyrinth saying works in ANY situation!
that time in my life is over now. i never have to see my ex OR his meanie pants brother if i don’t want to. however, what i DO take away from this whole scenario is how THANKFUL i am when i DO meet a guy who fits ALL the epic criteria i mentioned in the first paragraph AND i ACTUALLY LOVEALL the people (friends AND family) in his life. it’s a big fucking deal,cuz that toxic bullshit can MAKE or BREAK your relationship! xo
I’ve ALREADY blogged about Rickey, but i met up with him yesterday and REALLY felt the need to put him up here again. every time i meet with Rickey Kim, it’s like a motivational slap in the face. every boy and girl should have a rickeykim in their life!
even though he says things like ‘hood’ and street slang stuff; and I’m probably the whitest person you’ll ever meet (I’m the inspiration for Carlton’s character from ‘the fresh prince of Bel Air’)- whenever Rickey and i sit down for a power chat I have a GOD DAMN blast.
sometimes i get nervous, cuz there are so many things i wanna ask him about technology, business, power playing and (as Rickey would say) “taking my shit to the next level”! the dude is constantly doing things, collaborating on projects, bringing people together, and inspiring me to be the best i can be!
and for that….I’ve elected Rickey Kim: dude of the day!
on a lighter note, here are two boys i met the other day at mayfair market on franklin! i was leaving the store and the taller of the two, with some very intense piercings, asked me if i had a boyfriend and told me i was a bodacious babe! how could i NOT get an interview for you guys! xo
once upon a time, Elizabeth Hurley was condemned for saying (in an interview)something along the lines of “if I was as fat as Marilyn Monroe, I would have killed myself too.” Now, that WASN’T the BEST way to represent herself in a quote. i even though she was a jerk for that, but still watched the Austen Powers movies cuz i love the sixties, and they’re too good! personally, I think Marilyn Monroe is/was gorgeous and the standards in HER day were different than they are today.although, I’m sure she was just as frantic about her weight as the girlies are today.
but today, as i was trying to walk down the stairs to take the subway, I was fixated on the fat ass of a woman in front of me, blocking my path. Her and a dude were moving at maximum slowness, pushing their baby in a carriage. He had his arm around her (not tiny) waist and she leaned into him as though she felt sexy and maybe even, dare i say, comfortable in her skin!
I put myself in her situation, remembered the Hurley quote and thought- ‘you know what? I probably WOULD contemplate suicide if I was as big as THAT woman!(she was DOUBLE the size of Marilyn, fyi- which makes me way less cruel than liz hurley) And I’m sure as hell i wouldn’t have been able to feel sexy- alone OR in front of a dude who loved me. I wouldn’t even be able to FAKE being comfortable in my skin. I wouldn’t be able to trust his love for me!’ how sick is that? but it’s true. oh my god, years later and now i’m taking liz hurley’s side? or at least, giving her point of view a chance.
Would I get the lap band? Probably. but would I ever even LET myself get to that level of fatness? Probably not. Now, I KNOW fatness CAN be hereditary, but no one in my family is fat. so the blame would be all my own. there’s no pointing fingers if I get to be the mayor of fatsville usa. I’m not ‘on the verge of death’ waify or anything-MAN, I WISH!- but if i got to THAT point of fatdom with the family genes that I have- it would be all my fault!
I would either have to kill myself, get lypo, the lap band, go to jenny craig/weight watchers, and get a mother fucking trainer/nutrition guru. I ALREADY don’t eat bread, rice, pasta, donuts, soda, cake or candy. Every once in a while I’ll have a vegan dessert or a blow pop at a rave.
so, when I see a fatty at cbtl getting a mocha frap with extra whip (and one for their overweight kid too) I think: you unhealthy monster(s)! you’re doing this to yourself. xo