1. dear homeless people, stop smelling SO gross on MY time. I understand that you can’t/won’t bathe- but why do you have to walk past my booth table at whole foods while I’m eating and leave a trail of sour stench? it isn’t cool. so beat it!
2. someone told me that if you get a yeast infection, you should soak a tampon in plain yogurt and stick it in your vadge. I’m not saying YOU should do this, but I thought you should know that SOME people do this and you might be talking to one of them RIGHT NOW and not even know it!
3. the new vadge coif for fall: bare on the bottom, full on retro bush on top. not only does it look great in a photo, it’s totally helpful/conducive to having your pussy licked and loved.
4. clean the grease off your phone yuck face!
5. stop chewing sugar free gum. It makes your tummy tum act all weird and gurgly!
6. stop chewing sugar gum. It’ll totally rot your teeth dude!
7. just because he’s famous, doesn’t mean he’s worth catching herpes from.
8. if you ARE gonna get herpes- it’s way cooler to contract them from someone who’s been on a billboard.
9. when going on dates- assume every potential escort is a murderer. It’ll be incentive to think a bit more clearly and protect yourself from the bad guys/girls.
10. the initials V.I.P. stand for ‘very important person’. wtf?! How ridiculous is this? And who came up with it? how elitist and rude! if i created the world and social etiquette and all it’s rules, i wouldn’t have velvet ropes and special standing areas, and blatant ways of discriminating /distinguishing who’s more important than another. i mean, like, maybe if i threw a party or whatevs- i would let my mom and my best friends have a special table at a club or something, actually, my mom’s too old for the table at the imaginary club that doesn’t discriminate – in my mind’s eye. but she can be the door lady. and like maybe no fat people, even though they’re nice, but like, now that i am making the rules, i kinda have to re-think things. ok, how’s this: no fatty, yuck, ugly faces with pimples allowed at the party. but they are totally cool to hang out with outside of a party. like at a restaurant, but not a super hip restaurant. ok, yeah, that sounds better. back to the club party: only my friends, and like super cute, or like very skinny, and famous people are allowed in my club with no lame ass v.i.p. section. cause sections are just rude. hmm, but it would make my beautiful cool famous pretty and/or skinny guests feel REALLY UUBER cool if the antithesis of them were standing nearby and staring at them with jealousy, envy, and bitterness in their eyes. hmm, but how do we make sure the ugly lamos who put the other people on pedestals don’t tip toe too close? shit, we might need a rope. but it doesn’t have to be red velvet. gold? no, let’s make it white leather. yeah. perfect. TOTALLY DIFFERENT! the asshole who created velvet ropes, signs, and initials reading ‘v.i.p.’ should take some pointers from me! there’s a way to party without being all elitist and rude!