years ago….. (part 2):

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(continued from the LAST post)

so, the first surgery had determined- I had papillary thyroid cancer. The second surgery was easier. It was as though my body was a seasoned pro. I was still in a ton of pain when I came to, but I was eating more quickly than I had after the first operation. And according to everyone around me: nurses, my mom, my bf, and my friend skip- I wasn’t as pale. No dad visit again. OK. He would have made it harder. He would have annoyed me, rattled me, made me anxious due to him being so rude and antagonistic. He probably would have cringed seeing me because he doesn’t know how to handle situations that call for tenderness, calm, or unconditional love.

At least I had my boyfriend. Or at least that’s how I felt before he visited me at the hospital one day, while I was recovering,  got into bed with me reeking of booze and told me he drank a bottle of cooking wine and might need to go to aa. I’m so glad he didn’t make it all about him. Phew! him in bed with me, crammed into a bed smaller than a twin size, tugged at the iv in my arm. This was not comfortable. Sometimes you get sick because it’s your body’s way of making you slow down and get quiet- so you can look at life, look at YOUR life, and realize what’s important, what isn’t, what you want and what you do not want, realize what you’re grateful and thankful for.

Now I had no thyroid and they had removed some lymph nodes/scraping the inside of my neck. I did radiation and my head swelled up like I was a 400 pound woman, and yet my body remained the same. embarrassing! riiight! I can’t remember the order of all the procedures. Maybe they found residual stuff in my lymph nodes after the second surgery and then did the radiation? Then a second radiation because it wasn’t taking? either or.

It seemed like everything was finally OK. although, the radiation fucked with my salivary glands a bit- more specifically, my parotid glands. So for a while, and even to this day- if I eat something too crazy sour or salty, I might feel like the area between my earlobes and jawline is swelling. is it a real swelling or a phantom swelling? It’s always different. Drinking water makes it calm down and go back to normal. Nobody notices but me, it’s so subtle. but I notice.

in the four years that followed, each and EVERY year- I had to go on what’s called a ‘low iodine diet’ to prepare for a full body scan to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back. And for the past four years, each scan has been clear of any residual cancer. Yay! But my doctor started to worry me. She’s on a few too many reality shows! I felt her office was a bit jumbled and I didn’t like the front office’s attitude or organization. So I decided to mix it up. i asked around, to potentially see a new endocrinologist. well, he doesn’t look like house, but i found one! (to be continued)

years ago…..

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I was living in japan when I noticed a lump in my neck. Holy shit, if you looked too closely, it looked like an Adam’s apple. When I got back to la, I made sure to see a doctor. THAT doctor referred me to a specialist: an endocrinologist, they specialize in an organ called the thyroid. turned out the lump was just a benign (cancer free) nodule. kinda like an internal blister (in my fucking neck. gross!). it was filled with liquid, which they would drain about once a month, so that the lump wouldn’t be noticeable. and every time i went to the hospital to have a needle stuck in my neck, and fluid removed, they would have the fluid sent to a lab and checked- just to make sure it was still benign/cancer free.

well, one day, after yet another routine drainage (after years of sooo many fine needle biopsy’s, aspirations, and drainings): this time when the fluid was analyzed, the doctors found abnormal cells. Oh no! What did this mean? Abnormal cells? Did that mean I have cancer? But they couldn’t tell me. The only way they could officially find out was to operate and take out my thyroid. Now, I don’t expect anyone to know this- but the thyroid is a very necessary and vital organ in your body. It regulates/controls your metabolism, heating system, etc. bottom line is, you need it. It is possible to survive with only half a thyroid- so that’s what I decided, opted to do! if the cancer was only a possibility and not definite, and the only way to find out was to operate, I would only have half of it removed. the doctor suggested this as her preferred option! so i said ok!

i was scared. do you know that prior to surgery, you have to mark the hand or shoulder of the side of your body that’s being operated on with a marker pen? just in case? as i was wheeled into surgery, i thought about how we put celebrities on pedestals and read tabloids about actors and musicians- but it’s times like these you realize the real stars are nurses and doctors. a doctor can save your life! and a nice nurse is a god send. they make you smile, help you pee, bring you jello, hold your hand, fix what’s hurting, clean up the blood, vomit, up the dose, etc. the first surgery was a very painful process. not during. i was out cold. it’s the waking up part after anesthesia that’s the worst. I had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, even though the nurses give you something to prevent this very thing from happening BEFORE giving you the actual anesthesia. Waking up; the nauseousness, the deep painful ache from the incision, the iv in your arm. It’s sooo cold in post op. goosebumps! your whole body aches. was there a tube down my throat? oh no, wait, that’s another story I’ve yet to tell you. post op, every little thing is amplified. Noise is piercing as you come in and out of consciousness. the other post op victims moaning and groaning! And after I was conscious, I learned that I did indeed have cancer.

it had spread to my lymph nodes. They would have to go back in and remove the other half. This was around thanksgiving about five years ago. I went home a few days after the first surgery, and had my thanksgiving dinner. I was a moody, grumpy bitch. I sat at a table in my apartment in beachwood canyon with my mom and my then fiance/boyfriend. I was rude to my mom, and she left. Gee, I wonder why I was rude. But she left and took it all very personally. A week later, I went back in for surgery number two. My dad didn’t go to either of the surgeries. we had got into an argument over the phone the day before the first surgery and I said something along the lines of ‘fine, don’t come to my surgery!’ So he didn’t. I thought he might visit me post-op or at least when I was told I actually had cancer, but he didn’t then either. Oh well. We don’t pick our family. (to be continued)

the blind leading the blind (part 27):

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1. types of guys to date while you’re single: a fireman, a 19 year old, a mogul, a rapper, a basketball player, a skater, a musician, a black dude, a Latino dude, a white dude, an Asian dude, a Jewish dude, a lawyer, a director, a doctor, p diddy, kanye, a politico, a chef. bonus points to those of you who can collect all or most of these qualifications in ONE dude!

2. beware of ‘the lure of the sweatshirt’. i know they’re super cozy and comfortable, but they aren’t high fashion, flattering, or chic. do you really wanna be wearing a potato sack with pockets when you run into rob pattinson at whole foods? hmm, maybe you do. bella wears them all the time and word on the street is; he likes her… but, better to be safe than sorry! scrap the hoodies and go for an effortlessly chic/thrown together/ hip/ cool/ casual look! you’ll thank me later.

3. pay attention to the new friends you invite into your life. in the past, I’d meet people and only realize after months of hanging out that I’m doing all the entertaining and they’re totally boring.

4. be the person you want to attract.

5. dudes: wipe the dried cum off your pants. This isn’t a badge of honor. especially if it’s not from an encounter you had with the girl you’re currently dating/on a date with! why do i have to tell you this!?

6. keep some goddamn mystery ladies! Put your mascara on in private. Don’t do it lounging around in public!

7. don’t be too mad at him. all he’s really guilty of  is not loving you.

8. being a grown up is sooo cool! you can drive a car! go to sleep whenever you want! eat whatevs! live in your own apartment! listen to music all loud-but try not to annoy your neighbors! People even pay you money sometimes! Like, they give it RIGHT TO YOU- not your parents! enjoy it! you’ve waited your whole life to be a grown up! it’s all happening!

9. don’t be 10 minutes late, be 10 minutes early! but wait in your car- and ring the doorbell RIGHT on TIME!

10. i don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a people pleaser or had the need to fill gaps of possible uncomfortable silences, but I’ve always asked people a lot of questions; about their life, job, technique, past experiences, goals, reasons for doing what they do- whether it’s how they’re doing a medical procedure or dental exam, or why they got married and had 5 kids, what they’re doing- technically and emotionally, and whatever that stems from, etc.  I’m grateful of this trait/habit because it’s taught me a lot/ helped me navigate the college of life. so, for the love of god, ask questions! people like it when you take an interest in them. and even if you don’t care…you could actually learn something!

PS:

(part 2) is this it? modern love:

JurgenTellerCharlotteRamplingrszd

(continued from yesterday’s post)

he wrote:

It’s hard to tell sometimes, people’s survival mechanisms kick in and
they become great at living double lives, but actions generally speak
louder than words. Steve Harvey has a great line in his book “act like
a woman, think like a man”. when he says “men love different than women.
he wont tell you he loves you all the time, so don’t expect it. but if
he takes you out to hang with his boys, he’s showing that you’re his
girl, that exhibition of coupledom in front of that group of people is
almost more significant than the word.”

To get some insight, I have a pretty girl.  She’s sweet as candy,
LOVESSSS me so much, would do anything for me. I think she’s the
coolest, but I still think I can do better.  I think I can get some
celeb chick AND I KNOW that she’ll be annoying and awful, and totally
lifeless and my girl now is better. But it’s the ego, the adventure
and the thrill of the hunt. Its so you get that rush of adrenaline
when you kiss a girl for the first time, and the next morning you can
look in the mirror and say “GOOD STUFF” and the kid version of you
high fives the 29 year old version of yourself. Warren Beaty slept his
way to Annette Bening and she seems fucking awesome. Bill Mahr doesn’t
have a wife cause he is sharper without one. Spielberg married young,
divorced when he got famous and married some actresses from his movie
at the height of his powers.  its just animal.

Going ahead in the future, you should protect yourself as much as you
can before you are comfortable enough to open up. Your lesson about
guys who come on strong is right, they are usually overcompensating
for something. Be a cynic but be open and don’t become a man hater.
Even though what he did was selfish and shitty, he was sweet and
tender and truly cared about you, but love sucks when it’s one sided,
and that is why you should try to avoid it at all costs until you find
someone who is ready to travel that road to its ultimate conclusion, a
singular relationship with a person to be fully committed to.

is this it? modern love:

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dear alexi,

I am feeling a need to share this with someone and i thought you might
be the one to talk to about it. i asked a straight male friend to
share his honest perspective on my life’s recent events. What he
revealed was enlightening and honest.

he writes:

I just have an ego, insecurity, and a taste for the unknown, guys wanna
fuck and feel masculine and it gets boring and it’s not the girls
fault. Europeans have mistresses, mafia guys too. It makes sense. You
have your love, your partner, the one who you share your life with,
the everyday friend and last phone call and cuddle buddy on the couch
to iron chef with and then you have some extra physical on the side to
keep you from resenting that love. Plus if he’s surrounded by
opportunity all the time, he will want to take it. If nothing else you
should be happy that he didn’t lie about being with someone and
continue the charade.

It’s all about him and NOT you. His deficiencies, his insecurities,
NOT YOURS. You are better than him: hot and funny and weird and
original and smarter than the rest. But don’t kid yourself, the no
labels thing was not what you wanted… you let him have that cause
you wanted him.  Even though I now find myself in a scenario where and
am dating a girl exclusively, I don’t feel anywhere near done having
meaningless sexual escapades with strange girls.  I don’t know why
not, maybe cause my dad gave me Henry Millers “Quiet Days in Clichy”
when I was 14 to read… I’m just ready to give it a rest for now. And
he didn’t want that cause he’s not ready to be DONE and that has
NOTHING to do with you.

**Then I asked him, what is the solution to this ongoing problem?**

he writes:

There are mistresses. There is Mormonism. There are people in loveless
marriages that work out of financial convenience. There are people who
stay together for the sake of their kids. There are men who just give
up the sex to have a mother/wife. The issue is: the guys you are
attracted to have ego and ambition and that usually goes hand and hand
with sexual prowess. You could find a nerd who has never been with a
girl and you could take on the role of aggressor. You could find a
lonely heart who is SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU. YOU’RE A CATCH. But you know
what they say “find me a beautiful girl and i’ll show you a guy who’s
tired of fucking her”.  Leo dumped Giselle…I mean we’re f’d…

(to be continued……..)

Alexi Wasser is ‘BOYCRAZY’:

Boy Crazy Promo from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy in bed from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy at the drugstore: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy waking up in echo park from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy gets a job: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy bikini mishap: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy in austin!

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so, for whatever reason, i was in Austin for LITERALLY 24 hours. in that time, i ran ALL around town and met a slew of dudes. here are three of the slew.

a long time ago, i would have liked the bad boy the most. i would have gone out of my way to make him ‘choose me’ or think i was better than the rest. gross. even though he’s adorable, they all are, thank god I’m growing up. I’m changing. and nowadays, a man-boy like the one in the last video is my favorite and has the qualities i look for in a possible boyfriend. enjoy! xo

ps: I’m angry and disappointed in myself for not writing more these past few weeks. even if it didn’t bother anyone else, it bothered me! next week i will strike the perfect balance of blb’s, boy videos, and stories. hmm, but i do have some super/awesome/great reader submissions to post too. shit. well, er, um, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’M TRYING TO DO MY BEST HERE! I’M JUST ONE PERSON- NOT A WIZARD-LIKE MACHINE ROBOT! A PERSON!i love you. xo

boycrazy in austin: the nerdy chic guy from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy in austin: the bad boy! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy in austin: marriage material! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the blind leading the blind (part 26):

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1. try not to be such a cunt. This isn’t exclusive to women.

2. try not to reveal all your weaknesses to everyone you know. This is what your shrink is for.

3. it’s totally ok to hate dogs. Just, keep it to yourself/a low pro- you jerky dog hater. Don’t be too grumpy about it, and definitely don’t kick them or anything. but telling someone ‘I don’t want to hold, pet, touch, or be near your dog.’ – is totally fine! that’s what I do! and people love it!

4. just because it’s cold out, doesn’t mean you can stop waxing your vadge you monster!

5. read ‘love junkie‘! it’s a totally great book about love addiction/Rachel Resnick’s memoir. trust me, and just get it!

6. stop being such a racist! racist! everybody’s talking about it. we ALL know.

7. wear make-up. you’re definitely uglier without it. Even if you’re perfect (whatever that means), throw on some mascara- it can’t HURT/you won’t regret it.

8. don’t fake tan. Ever.

9. think positive thoughts. Not HIV positive thoughts, just good vibe thoughts.

10. don’t smell perfume being sold in a parking lot. this is a scam. it will make you black out and be raped. Somewhere a legitimate parking lot perfume vendor is shaking his fists at me and wishing me dead! but better to be safe than sorry! xo

ps: my lovely intern Kendra sent me this quote from the movie ’2 days in paris’ – i love it/think you should read it. it’s about the endless search for love and the cycle of the search. xo

“Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”

tonight- party time:

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contest! can you beat this?

last week i asked boys, via twitter and facebook, to make a video- attempting to woo me! this is the first video i got! now I’m extending the invitation/dare to anyone and everyone who reads my blog:

i wanna see your best attempt at wooing a girl, and by girl- i mean me! give it a go! don’t be a pussy!

videos will be featured on my site and winners will get a prize! this guy did it, and it was epic! i laughed, i cried, i shook my fist! if you think you can do better, send me a vid! i love you and look forward to being wooed. xo

ps: if you want to contact the guy in this video, click HERE! xo



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