As I walked to the parking lot, I had an urge to drive to the valley, over crescent heights which turns into laurel canyon, and go somewhere, ANYWHERE on Ventura blvd. Maybe Twain’s (a more mom and pop version of Denny’s. It’s a coffee shop. Not so corporate. Old timey, 50′s style). but I didn’t need anything there. I used to go there when I was 14, 15, 16- when I’d just started wearing mascara- hanging out with the bad kids at school, seeing bands play, smoking cigs (I don’t smoke anymore- it’s way too gnarly bad for you, and makes you look like leather face- even though it looks super cool in a photo, especially if it’s black and white!) I used to go there and talk shit with people I don’t even know anymore. People I probably didn’t even like at the time! who i knew meant nothing to me. And yet I filled my social calender hanging out with them. aching for their approval! never wanting to miss a get together, show, hangout, whatevs- out of fear they might talk shit about me, or that something epic might happen and i’d miss it.
i guess i also just wanted to leave my room and get out of my moms house in north Hollywood. at the time, i didn’t have my license OR a car yet- so ANYONE willing to pick me up and drive me somewhere was a legend! and being anywhere, out and about with people my age- mean or not, made me feel so important and excited. like we were so powerful and cool and could take over the world. I let their opinion and acceptance of me matter. but who were these people? Sometimes who you go to school with or who you hang out with is decided by/simply because of convenience. I used to order grilled cheese sandwiches and french fries that I would dip in ketchup and ranch dressing. We saw the rocky horror picture show at the Nuart theatre. And stayed up at Twain’s drinking tons of coffee (mine with lots of milk and sugar).
for some reason- I wanted to reconnect with this side of myself. I wanted to tap into my youth. like, say hi to it or something. Apologize for it being over. Apologize for thinking it was so painful- even though, even now, I know it was! Those teen years were dark and brutal. Maybe I wanted to drive over the hill and revisit my past youth because it was raining and I’m in the midst of mourning the death of something- moving onto bigger and better things- and aware of the fact that I know myself now- and I’m happy and centered and excited. Maybe I wanted to mix the two together: my childhood innocence with who I am now. I wanted them both at once. But I decided that I didn’t need to go to Twain’s to do that. I wasn’t hungry, I’ll always be 16 in my heart, and the September issue was playing at the sunset 5 in 20 minutes. I had other shit to do! Halloween was around the corner, and I totally planned on going trick or treating, watching scary movies, having drinks at a party, and going to a pumpkin patch! I’m totally youthful! I just don’t smoke anymore, i eat way healthier, have my own car, apartment, and actually like/love the people in my life. life is better now. Fuck Twain’s! Xo