I’d just gotten home after one of those nights where i did ONE thing that left me feeling like someone thought i was stupid, weird and/or dumb. I’d said something to some dude i thought was a dork, and wasn’t even attracted to, and now i couldn’t shake it. why did i even care what he thought of me? he played no part in my life. he had a girlfriend. i had a boyfriend. but now my whole world was caving in. the spiral had begun; regretting how i acted, what i said, wondering what he was thinking about me now, and how i could change his OBVIOUSLY ill opinion of me. he probably wasn’t even giving me a second thought. but let’s face it, he probably was. but hopefully not. whatever, he can shit talk/think I’m awkward and lame- all he wants! it just weeds out the people who aren’t meant to be in my life! yeah! sometimes i wish i didn’t internalize and analyze everything so much. sometimes I’m very happy i do. either way, i do. I’ve learned that the best way to get over my crazy spirals is to pretend it’s a week later- speeding up the inevitable, when i know I’ll have forgotten i ever even cared what some dude/person/people may or may not have been thinking of me.
that aside, i was using this stranger to distract myself from what was REALLY going on in my life: I’d done it again! I’d cast a spell on a boy and gotten caught up in the moment and not realized that my actions have consequences. that men have feelings too. and that my behavior, words, touch, gaze, and attention can have/has an affect on people. i was in too deep with a guy, and i wasn’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. at least not like i was. now i was left in a sticky situation, but i wasn’t ready to pull the plug, cuz i didn’t know exactly how i felt. it had gone from epic, to me freaking out, to casual. and it felt like the bubble burst and i should call it a day. but things aren’t black and white. i didn’t know what i wanted. i’d met a really great guy. there was nothing wrong with him, i just wasn’t sure if he was right for me. was my confusion enough of a sign to end it, or should i take some time to casually date him and get to know him before i ran ? the only thing was, this thing didn’t start out casual, it started out full throttle and my doubts were only setting in after ‘i love you’s’ were said and he’d asked to go steady or whatever you call being boyfriend and girlfriend. how did i get here? i wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing… i just didn’t know how to go forward.
so often i worry and act out when i don’t get the attention i want from every guy who comes my way. i don’t take the time to consider if i even like THEM! unless they’re a TOTAL dorky/ugly/pussy… THEN i don’t give a fuck! but I’d still have sexxx with a bizarre looking/interesting/successful dude! in a heartbeat! my friend Dallas thinks i have the worst taste in men cuz I’ve slept with fat, ugly, short, abnormally tall, sickly skinny, balding, and bald dudes. not all at the same time! don’t worry! I’ve only had one threesome, and it was with a girl and a guy who were both hipster/heroine chic. but that’s another story, for another time.
anyways, it takes all kinds. the point is, if i even have one- cuz i might not, is that i get caught up real quick. I’m in love with love. or at least infatuation. i can be a dreamy, whimsical person who can find a million different meanings in one look a boy gives me. (which can be unfortunate for the dude sometimes!) i have no problem and am happy to make extreme eye contact during sex. the deeper and more meaningful the experience can be, the better. the only problem is, as easily as i can throw myself all in, i can just as easily shut down- leaving a guy in the lurches. but isn’t that just called life? it’s not pretty and safe and wrapped up in a bow all the time! and don’t men act irresponsibly with women’s feelings all the time? I’d rather go full throttle, then press on the brakes if i decide to- instead of treading safely and being careful from the get go.
but what was i even looking for? i wasn’t old enough or ready to get married, or craving a boyfriend. I’ve never sought out having a boyfriend anyways. it always just ‘happens’. but i wanted the love. and for a minute, i felt it too. in fact; i was in and out of it. but then the seriousness of the situation set in: “boyfriend” “i love you’s”. i panicked and had to decide if i should break it off completely, or pull the pussy move by picking fights and being passive aggressive to make him break up with me. i had one foot in and one foot out. a part of me would think “god, the sex is great! he’s good-looking, but he’s not my normal type. but maybe that’s a good thing!?” even though, according to Dallas, i don’t even have a type. I’d vacillate between thinking we were too different and thinking we’re actually very similar. sometimes, I’d imagine myself in his arms, spooning and think “you know what, i could call it a day and call him the one for good!” i hope all girls can be this nutty, because i do NOT like feeling this way. and there’s SAFETY in numbers bitches!
did all this uncertainty mean he was the wrong guy for me? could he have been the right guy, but i was just too young and immature and preoccupied with the need to be alone and work? would i be the one missing out in the end? could i even trust my gut anymore, after all, i have a million ‘daddy’ issues. i didn’t know what to do! should i just stay away from guys, to save them from me and my behavior? wow, how self important am i? is it better to stay with someone if they’re a good person, attractive, and the sex is great – even if the initial crazy euphoria has died down so soon and you could also just as easily be alone? but what if the person is great and could make a lovely boyfriend you could learn from? does it always have to be under the condition of ‘forever’?
if the fireworks/mad crazy aspect of the relationship has died down and you know you’ve met too early on in your life and there’s no way they will be your final destination (which, to me, is a baby daddy). and yes, i know the ‘final destination’ isn’t always the man who fathers your child. but he will, most likely, be in your life forever- whether you split or not, cuz of the kid! so you better be as damn sure about him as you can be if/when you let him cum inside you without a condom.
if all that you’re left with is a nice guy you have sexual chemistry with, do you run and hold out for another “forever” prospect. or do you just hang out with someone and have a nice, fun time?
the thing is, I’ve been single and had sex with guys who don’t love me and it doesn’t feel good. but to be with someone who loves you when you’re in ‘single, all about me and my own personal responsibilities’ mode- feels shitty too! so what is the answer? I’m not wishy washy. I’m all in or nothing. so this makes loving and relationships more confusing. and usually when a girl is aloof with a guy and doesn’t give a fuck and it’s casual for HER/on her terms.. the dude falls in love.
but being grounded and loved by someone you like can be nice too!
i guess when it’s in sync, and the love is equal on both ends and sustains itself- you know you’ve found something bigger than logic, timing, rules, and being rational. you just make room for it in your life, cut the bullshit, stop analyzing, shut the fuck up- because you’re happy to do so and it feels super good and right. and even if you’re not gonna be with someone forever, isn’t it better to live under the spell that it ‘might’ last forever and be open to the possibility of that chance…. and end it if/when that dream is shattered, than stay with someone who you know in your bones you won’t be with when you’re old and gray? cuz then both parties are being kept from something else that could be epic.
it’s better to take the chance of losing someone, and being alone, then stay because it’s safe and they’re good for now/a warm body. that’s way more scary than being alone.
but, just like power shifts in a healthy relationship, do ‘love surges’ come and go as well? don’t moods shift as well? i wouldn’t wanna make any extreme decisions while I’m pms’ing… cuz I’m a completely different person!
all these thoughts, but i still didn’t know what to do….