the blind leading the blind part 17:

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1. relationships get sloppy and crazy. you can’t be seen by someone else when you’re single. at least NOT the way you can when you’re in a serious relationship. (by ‘seen’ i mean letting someone get close enough to you and getting to know you enough to ‘see’ all your worst traits; your weaknesses; your anger; rage; hopelessness; wants; fears; needs; insecurities; demons. the side of you only your family knows or sees. when you scream and yell and are on your worst behavior; the real you, at your worst and most raw. at your ugliest and/or most vulnerable. that’s what i mean when i say- letting someone ‘see’ you.)

being ‘seen’ is hard, but if you are with someone you love- who’s worth it- you can work through it AND it will make you STRONGER! besides, if you don’t open up and let yourself be ‘seen’ by the person you’re with now, you’re just going to have to deal with it in the next relationship you’re in.

2. i don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

3. when hanging out with a new guy you like… do your
best NOT to talk about twittering, face-booking and whatever other
social networking you may be doing lately (he does not give a fuck how
many hits your band got or who follows your twits)… and PLEASE bitch,
put the phone away … that text from Cathy about going to whole foods
later can wait if you actually enjoy spending face time with another
human being. -courtesy of Jason Dill.

4. don’t use antiperspirants. they cause cancer. just plain DEODORANT is ok though – like toms of Maine or the crystal.

5. eat watermelon! It’s fucking awesome.

6. stop saying fuck so much. Especially in public. Let’s face it, it makes you look like a sloppy derelict!

7. pumice your heels you monster! if you wanna wear flip flops, it’s just part of the deal!

8. dont you dare go to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool- when there is blood gushing out of your vagina. This isn’t ok. you yucky monster! Use your common sense. And trying to fake people out by tucking in your tampon string isn’t ok either. What if you had aids?

9. whatever you do, don’t talk on your phone while you’re driving! Not even on speaker with one hand! Eventually you will be pulled over by a copper!

10. if you DO happen to go against this advice, and you DO get pulled over: hopefully you will be wearing a sundress. Push your boobs together nonchalantly, pull your dress up a teeny tiny bit to reveal a hint of thigh, keep saying I’m sorry and that you’ve learned your lesson. Then, if all else fails, ask to interview him for your blog. It worked for me.

i said i would do this for you (PART 2)- AKA: let me break up with your boyfriend!

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So, a few weeks ago, i said i would help you.

last week i started to deliver your messages.

today i have a few more deliveries!

steven gained weight: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

for jade: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

sloppy monster: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the boys of american apparel:

well, i found another one! a hot babe who works at american apparel! except THIS one has a super kuh-razy thick moustache and abs of steel! I’m almost afraid to tell you which store he works at, because you might try to spy on him… oh all-right: THE MELROSE STORE!  his name is Nate! he kinda reminds me of this guy, in terms of where he’s at emotionally/and how he feels about dating at this point in his life..

it was love at first sight. he asked me if he could help me with anything. ANYTHING? i took one look at him and said “can i get you for my b l o g?”  he acted like he didn’t know what i was talking about, and went along with it. but later he told me he knew exactly who i was (whatever the fuck that means), what my site was all about, and that we were even face book friends. some might think  he sounds creepyly stalker-ish… but to me, it’s  my FAVORITE way of being wooed!  i think, in the end, I may have come on too strong. you be the judge. i should probably take a break from the melrose store anyways! besides,  i haven’t visited the new one in malibu yet! omg, American Apparel beach babes? i can’t wait! xo

ps: i’m looking for dov! if you’re reading this mister…. i think you should let me interview you!

a man got it done:

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Sometimes i love men. a lot of times i love men. oh fuck it, even when they’re MEAN to me- I’m STILL intrigued! I’m boycrazy remember? but here’s a specific example of something i love that men do. not all men, but a lot of men-maybe even MOST men do this: they get shit done. yes, women do too. Jesus, calm the fuck down. but the thing I’m talking about is when completing a task turns into some life or death mission that only they can solve without asking anyone for help. (it sound like I’m talking about that age old cliche of a man not wanting to ask for directions. and i guess this is a version of that, but shut the fuck up, i’m on a power rant!) it’s like they have something to prove. like they almost go kuh-razy mental over it. like they’re in a trance. fixated on the goal. it means too much to stop and not WIN! whether it’s making a girl cum, fixing a car, or building something! a man gets his mind set on something and he MUST prove that he can do it and he WON’T stop till it’s done. between you and me, I’LL probably just burst into tears and leave my baby (if and when i ever have one) on the side of the road if i get confused on how the diaper changing process works. but that’s just me. I’m sensitive, moody, and let’s face it- hard stuff is hard.

so why are men like this? I’m sure there are a lot of bad things that go hand in hand with this kind of  behavior. ego/pride/machismo/not being able to admit defeat/anger/rage, blah blah blah, i don’t give a fuck! you know why? cuz the end result is that the task at hand gets done… even if everything else is ignored and put on the back burner- like eating, sex, watching a TV show, or being paid. for example; tonight i was feeling all annoyed and aggravated “boo hoo me! my website is all topsy turvey and fucked up and jumbled! wahhhh! my banner ads are down! how are people supposed to buy stuff from American Apparel if not from my b l o g?!” when low and behold, i got an e-mail from a web guru saint here on our very own planet earth who offered his services to me! NO WAY! YES WAY!

for some reason, i felt like i could trust him… so i called! we had mutual (super cool) friends, so giving him my secret pass codes didn’t seem too wildly crazy. and for OVER an hour we stayed on the phone while he was DETERMINED to fix my site! it was better than phone sex!  he was re-installing my plug ins, and adjusting the length of my banner ads! it doesn’t get any sexier than that! did i mention he was in another state, where it was about 2 hours later? well, i just did! PLUS, he had a WAY foxy voice that kept me from getting all bored with computer talk! PLUS, he could talk AND type at the same time, like a robot alien! quite frankly, his wizardly know how/capability to get shit done was a fucking turn on!

my site is now fixed, and you know what that warrants? a mother fucking tribute post! a tribute to a man taking care of business, getting shit done, and keeping my tears from hitting the floor! this is a lesson to men in general: when you get shit done and you make a woman’s life better/ easier…. whatever! WHEN YOU ARE A FACILITATOR OF DREAMS, and she feels like a damsel in distress being RESCUED (the BEING RESCUED part is the most important! don’t just let/make her feel like a damsel in distress you jerk! what’s the matter with you?) she’ll be the happiest and most fulfilled girl you can imagine. so stop wasting your time working on your manorexia and looking for the perfect plaid shirt (even though i do advocate the wearing of a simple plaid button down) and learn something that separates you from the rest. learn how to make a woman feel like a woman.

ps: thank you philip! you’re my hero!

pps: thank you addison! thank you joe digital!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

you asked me to do this for you (part 1):

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a few weeks ago i offered my services to you. you wrote me e-mails telling me your problems and asked me to serve as a tool to help you communicate. i got so many e-mails i freaked out. it was a bit overwhelming. enough to make me change my e-mail address. but, last night , i pulled it together and answered a handful in a row. hope this helps. don’t worry, no one knows who I’m speaking to. everyone is anonymous. only the person who wrote me the e-mail knows who I’m talking to/about… and you can decide if you want to alert your friend or NOT. i love you!

it’s over, little privates/cheater! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

bad teacher from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

dick bartender: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

PART 2: mark ‘THE COBRASNAKE’ hunter speaks!

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So, HOPEFULLY,  you saw part one YESTERDAY! well, here’s part 2 assholes! I actually PREFER part 2. It gets a bit looser. we talk about boobs, dungeons and dragons, being an ass master, and we finally get to talking about MY boobs, and the anal sexxx!

He’s STILL in the hammock, but his lips are moving more. And what’s coming out of them is WAY more exciting than yesterday! I’ve seen mark around town for years, but I’ve never touched his soul or anything, until NOW! Witness the first steps into our newly blossoming friendly acquaintance! Just me and mark ‘the cobrasnake‘ hunter. L.y.l.a.s! Xoxo

mark ‘THE COBRASNAKE’ hunter (PART 1):

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So it FINALLY happened! I wrangled mark ‘the cobrasnake’ hunter to do an interview with me! He’s constantly on the go, a citizen of the world, and I finally caught him in one spot! I mean, the dude’s been near Karl Lagerfeld! That’s gotta mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE! HE doesn’t read my blog, but I think his MOM does….which is even BETTER!

Not only is he topless, but he’s laying in a hammock! a hammock! he never even got up! not once. he’s a pro. I love men with hairy chests, and mark totally qualifies. But more than his hairy-ness, I LOVE that he’s such a go-getter, dresses like Richard Simmons and doesn’t give a fuck! he’s like a cute little cuddly bear you could make out with for days and eat a bowl of cereal with! Plus I hear he’s awesome in the sack! The dude even loves his family, and sees them all the time! Yeah: the best of BOTH worlds! You’re welcome!

Watch us talk about MY boobs, anal sex, and dating! Does it get any better?! Maybe! but this shit is pretty great too! Enjoy. I love you.

ps: watch out Steve Aoki, you’re next!

the blind leading the blind (part 16) – special edition, for boys only:

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1. dudes, please bathe more. that includes washing AND conditioning your hair (and your privates- if you’re fancy and/or classy).

2. if you have dandruff, look into a specialty shampoo. selson blue or head and shoulders DOESN’T always do it. and flaky white chunks, falling from your scalp, are not sexy.

3. dudes! Wash your fucking towels! If they smell like mildew, chances are your dick is gonna smell like mildew too. I can’t tell you how many bummer blow jobs I’ve given to dudes who’s dick smelled like mildew. Oh, yeah- I actually can remember! ONE! I BROKE UP WITH HIM THE NEXT MORNING and i never saw him again; AND I’ve never let it happen again. but it haunts me like a bad dream. dudes, don’t ruin your sex life! fyi: girls talk! don’t let your reputation be annihilated just  because you don’t like doing laundry. Just don’t.

4. knowing how to give good head AND actually practicing this talent on a woman gives you so much power. the more you make her cum, the more power you have.

5. if you CAN pay for dinner AND you just STARTED dating her, pay for fucking dinner! otherwise you really have no business bringing her to a restaurant to begin with. if you invite her- you pay for her!

6. be creative with your date ideas.

7. hold the door for the girl. it’s free you scumbag.

8. walk on the side of the girl, closest to the street. she’s not a prostitute, so don’t flaunt her to drivers- by like she is! also, you’re protecting her from being splashed by cars driving through puddles.

9. don’t walk in front of a girl like she’s a dog following you. trust me, it looks bad.

10. suck on her nipples dude. just do it. and a light nip caress with your hand, WHILE you’re kissing her, wouldn’t kill you either.

11. make a lot of money and have passion and drive. this is sexy.

12. and  make her a mix CD why don’t you? if you do this at the beginning of the relationship, that’s great…. but if you surprise her six months or a year into it,  just because you can-just because you WANT to… she will freak the fuck out and drop to her knees just to thank you with a blow job. and if she DOESN’T…. you have my full permission to punch her in the face with your dick! but you’ll have to do it quick, because your erection will totally be fading! hey, i never claimed to be a role model. I’m just thinking out loud here.

update: the comment section wasn’t working for the past few days, but it is now! so, if you have anything to say….feel free! xo

urban outfitters/space1520 – blogger shop day #2:

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so, blogger shop day is basically an excuse for a bunch of people who have blogs to get together, sell whatever merchandise they have to sell (jewelry, vegan cupcakes, clothing- new AND vintage), and basically have a party/drink beer or whatever. i hosted the first blogger shop day, sponsored by space 1520/urban outfitters. i didn’t know what i was in for… and it was totally awesome.

bands play, there’s a BBQ, a DJ, super hot girls and guys wearing fitted clothing and unique designs! i had a microphone and handed out buttons and stickers and interviewed cute boys i found! when i needed a break, i just wandered into the huge urban outfitters that’s connected to the courtyard and tried stuff on… and bought stuff! i even took pictures in the photo booth they have in there! yeah! a photo booth! thanks to blogger shop day 1, i now own the best pair of jean cutoffs! and they were like $8!

I’m hosting this Sunday’s blogger shop day #2, and it’s only gonna be bigger AND better. here’s the thing about blogs… the worst thing about a blog is the word blog. in reality, blogs are just another avenue, forum to express yourself – using writing, music, videos, and pictures. what’s so bad about that? nothing! nothing at all. i love you! see you there!

here’s how blogger shop day #1 turned out!

alexi wasser hosts urban outfitters/space 1520 blogger shop day! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

update: the comment section wasn’t working for the past few days, but it is now! so, if you have anything to say….feel free! xo

i am not hitler:

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the other day someone wrote a comment about my post: sometimes it’s ok to be a loser-

“You never really define what “winning” is; what the go-getter is trying to GET. It’s this horrible Beckett tragedy that you’re stuck in, a delusional bubble of waiting. Is there any point in the future where you will sit down on on an expensive couch and say “GOT IT!” or “WON!”? I mean, what the hell are you talking about? You’re inserting people who mildly annoy you into this hitleresque philosophy. You, of all people, wouldn’t be able to exist if people didn’t wash your dishes and fix your car. And instead of respecting the work they do, you see it as failure creating vacant space for your flimsy success.”

thank you so much. after reading this… it made me look at myself and ask if i’m ever really happy; if i could stop my continuous ‘want’ and ‘work mode’ and actually enjoy everything i have. my work, writing, my apt, my friends, my body, the people i love. and that’s when i realized: i am truly happy. i can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘i’m proud of myself’. i’m happy. nothing is REALLY wrong in my life. and once i acknowledged that, i quickly moved onto the next task at hand.. which was my daily process of checking off to do’s on a list… a list that will probably never end, because there is sooo much to do. a list that is constantly refilled. you see, the post i wrote wasn’t about hating people who do menial labor, or winning, or not respecting people who don’t share the same goals that i do- not at all. the post was a wake up call to people who have absolutely NO idea what they want to do with their lives and to people who do NOTHING instead of trying… anything! people who don’t take the time to stop partying and sleeping in till 2pm to figure out what they COULD be… what contribution they could make to the world. people who are too lazy, or too high to try being someone that they’re too afraid to be; someone they think they could never be- and so they don’t even try.

i don’t look at a bag boy at the grocery store and want to spit on him or punch him in the face…. i just hope he’s passionate about something in his life. for all i know, he’s the happiest bag boy ever- taking pride in bagging those groceries! as long as he’s happy and trying to be the best person he can be, that’s AWESOME! the post was MORE about telling people who try to CHANGE people who don’t want to be changed…to cut it the fuck out. unfortunately i’m not following my own advice… because i was trying to be inspiring by telling people to get off their fucking asses and when that doesn’t happen… telling the friend who’s trying to help them off their ass to stop WAITING and wasting THEIR time.. and move on, so that they can continue ‘doing’. whatever it is they ‘do’. the point is, go get whatever you want, as long as you’re being a go-getter.

it’s not about ‘waiting’, it’s about doing. i’m NOT waiting for anything. i’m doing. you can’t wait for your life to happen, for dreams to come true… you have to be pro-active. you’re the only one living your life, so don’t let people who stand still 24/7 hold you back and weigh you down. that’s why like minded people flock together: the do-ers and the lazy-mongers! and i’m not saying the do-ers cant go to bars and dance and be lazy sometimes and have fun too – when did i say that? i didn’t! if that makes me sound like hitler… well, i have no witty retort.. because i don’t want to be referred to as hitler in any way shape or form, cuz hitler was a bad dude. feel free to compare me to the dude from bravo’s hit television show ‘flipping out’ cuz he’s crazy… but he gets shit done, he does it REALLY well, and i love him.

my mom was a waitress, a single mom, worked her ass off to take care of me, AND was pursuing her creative passion at the same time! …. meanwhile her long-haired boyfriend’s (where my girls at?! you know what i’m talking about- those long-hairs will seduce us EVERYTIME!) asked her for money, while they smoked pot on the couch. these ‘long haired dudes’  are what i mean when i use the word ‘loser’. my mom, ‘the waitress’, (who, btw, broke up with said ‘losers’ the SECOND they held out one lazy grubby hand asking for cash AND told them to fuck off ) is a go getting, hard working, inspiration! so don’t you fucking dare tell me i look down on people who wash the dishes and fix my car. cuz i’ll look down on the rich asshole who has no sense of direction and the world at his feet before i would EVER disrespect a bus boy, waitress, dude who works at McDonald’s, or mechanic.

BUT, thank you for your inspired, heated comment. it helped me take the time to check in with myself- to see if i’ve ‘won’ (whatever winning is), or ‘got it’ (whatever ‘it’ is). i can breathe (for a second) and actually value my life.  THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GONNA GET LAZY, but it’s nice to know i’m happy so i can carry that around in my pocket with me while i try to accomplish more of my list. (what’s on it is between me and my list.. but it’s totally not flimsy.) i hope you guys are happy too.  if not, we’ll work on it together. i promise. i love you. xo

ps: nyc prep is SO TOTALLY the new WAY better HILLS! i’m starting to kinda like jessie. i respect her work ethic and her protective nature towards pc (who is SUCH a babe! i can’t wait for him to come out!) i just think jessie needs to be less angry. i wonder if she would like me. i’m guessing no. probably cuz i’m an outsider. her loss. i hope pc and the dancer girl with the speech impediment become best friends. she’s so supportive of his rumored bisexuality! she needs to start speaking with more force though! her low talking ways and nervous laughter after every sentence make me anxious. xo