I saw my most recent ex for the first time in a month. It was his birthday. It was friendly, quick, silly, and only slightly awkward. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t need anything from him- so it wasn’t filled with painful longing or remorse for what was- it was more a sneak peak, or evidence that he could be/might be a best friend. I have so much love for him. And yet- and he feels the same way- not being together was/is a good decision. After he left, with no kissing or anything-just hugs that he wasn’t really comfortable with me giving him- I went to m cafe.
I sat alone. it was raining outside. they have valet at night now which is new and totally annoying. the stipulation is that it’s free the first hour and $3 after. Ugh! isn’t m cafe expensive enough?! god dammit! next time, I have to make sure I only park in the front (a non valet zone). I hate when valet dudes have to take your keys. I understand when they’re actually PARKING my car FOR me, or when it’s hectic and busy and cars are gonna have to be moved and re-parked like a puzzle- but it was a desolate rainy night, so i parked my car myself- and ran before he could even ASK for my keys. I just wasn’t prepared for the unveiling of this unexpected/out of the blue confrontation at my home away from home. plus, I had no cash to tip with- which always makes me feel like a major dickhead. maybe my period was making me moody.
I left m in JUST under an hour, and went to rite aide on sunset to buy feminine protection, which still embarrasses me and makes me uuber shy. I prayed I didn’t run into Madonna or Ben Affleck or something! I didn’t. phew. I used to be so scared and ashamed, when buying Tampax, that I would grab a paper bag on my way in- and when I got the box, I’d stuff it into the bag and take it up to the register. My friends would always say ‘aren’t you afraid they’ll think you’re shoplifting?’ But, no. I wasn’t scared at all. first of all, i WASN’T shoplifting. second: the best way to shop lift, so no one notices you, is to act like you’re not doing anything wrong, which is how i acted. and 3rd, 4th, and 5th: I’m super tall, with an extreme haircut. how could you miss me? wouldn’t a shoplifter be a little more incognito? incognito is not an option when you’re me. plus, I’m a clean cut looking white GIRL. right or wrong, I’m usually given the benefit of the doubt. be it a moving violation or eating food i’ve yet to purchase at the supermarket, or stuffing an unpaid box of tampax into a paper bag at the local drug store- all these things put together add up to me never being put in jail. I’m sorry, these are the perks of being female and Caucasian. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying I can (unfortunately) get away with a lot more than others. Too bad I don’t have any urge to be a murderer! but tonight, I didn’t pre-bag the Tampax box, I held it firmly in my left hand, clung to my side. not quite fearless, but not as ashamed as usual. a happy medium? i suppose. (to be continued)