Holy shit! I’m fucked! Why didn’t anyone tell me being single was a fucking war game, 24/7 battle alert! or did i just forget?! I already hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks before my breakup! Now it’s been about 3 weeks or MORE!
Boys are calling, but not only am I NOT ready emotionally to get slutty/i mean sexy/i mean intimate with someone- I’m totally not ready physically! I should really tone up my legs, shed 10 pounds, wax my vadge appropriately, and make sure my apartment is tidy at all times- swiffered and all. that means scrub tub, make sure there’s no hair in hairbrush- while it’s on display, and turn dream boards around – so some new/random dude i invite into my home doesn’t learn that one of my life goals is to become the white oprah, etc! PLUS: no picking at ingrown hairs on my bikini line!!! but I think I did that to make sure i wouldn’t get in a situation where I would allow myself to take my undies off. I don’t have herpes (YET) and I wouldn’t want people to think I do – all because they spot a blemish that I created, while playing doctor/hair removal specialist on myself!
-more single life reminders-
•Go to gym/start running- FAST
•Get a bathroom trash can that hides your yucky trash, not one that just sits there revealing weird stuff that, even if it’s not weird, could be misinterpreted. for example: if you blot your lipstick on a tissue, and throw it in the garbage, a guy could glance over and think the tissue is a bloody rag! think ladies, think! this is war! i mean, love! i mean, i don’t know what it is, but it’s time to start thinking!
•Get new car.
•Get new date outfits.
•Get maid to clean your house PROPERLY.
•ALWAYS wear a cute bra and undies!
•Buy condoms in all different shapes and sizes- cuz you never know when you’re gonna meet a guy with the biggest privates you’ve ever seen! and you can’t rely on a dude having condoms! so annoying! be prepared! cuz we girls love sex too! riiiight!
PS: if you’re ever forced to get ready at 1am to meet some dude at his hotel, and you look like shit- here’s a ‘how to’ guide for getting ready in a flash! xo
1. tweezers, your face, and time to kill- don’t mix. they CAN mix. but they SHOULDN’T mix.
2. if you don’t tell him that you had a sex dream about him, you’ll never know if he had a sex dream about you!
3. if YOU say ‘I hate gyms’ to a guy you meet at the gym and HE says ‘how can you hate gyms, you’re here aren’t you?’ Just say ‘I hate condoms too, but just like they HAVE to be worn, I HAVE to go to the gym. It just sux! That’s all.’
4. don’t touch newspapers. they make your fingertips super yuck and WAY dirty. have someone read the news to you (maybe the same person who buys you your toilet paper), or look over their shoulder.
5. it’s not cool to be a scumbag.
6. the word is ‘unkempt’, not unkept. the other day someone corrected me when I used the word unkempt- referring to messy hair. that’s when I knew, the state of the world is fucked- just a little bit.
7. it’s espresso, not ex-presso!
8. it’s called ‘portion control’. look into it fat head!
9. NEVER do something you don’t want to do. If you get asked to do some kind of lame favor/job/task/project to help someone out and you make the mistake of saying yes- it would be better to cancel at the last minute, than go through with it at all.
10. if you hang your foot over the edge of your bed while you’re sleeping, a monster that lives under your bed will TOTALLY grab your foot and rip it off. Be careful!
hey you guys! please check this out: www.bobbieroundstheworld.com
It’s my friend emily and she’s trying to do something totally rad! She’s sailing around the world- alone- helping people around the world by giving them school supplies and eye glasses! she only has a couple of days left to raise the money for her trip, so if you think what she’s doing cool- you should go to her website and give her a dollar or a thousand dollars. xo
ps: here’s an animated short from my friend Logan Christopher-
dear forever 21,
what happened dude? I thought we had a deal. you’re supposed to manufacture great designer knock offs with a good fit, at way affordable prices! That was our little secret! We had a pact. It was deep for me! i THOUGHT it was deep for you too! I believed in us! I would have loved you forever! but there is nothing inside you anymore! Everything inside you looks cheap, flimsy, redundant, and not at all modern. vulgar even! At first glance you look perfect, overflowing with possibility and hope! but it’s just a facade. i just wanted you to make me feel beautiful! like a woman wrapped up in a bow, empowered and ready to face the world! supported by the confidence you give me when you wrap yourself around my body! but I have no interest in anything you have to offer! How can you harbor sooo many clothes, yet nothing fits me right and I don’t want any of it? you really let us down. But like a sucker who’s tasted the magical fruit of our love in the beginning, you and I both know I’ll be back for more- if only just to check in, see how you are, if you’ve changed, and if I’m sill interested. Xo
hey girl heeeyyyy! the break up list continues! i know break ups are hard, but you MUST handle your shit and take control of your life! you can’t just fall to pieces! do not let your heart drop into the pit of your stomach! keep moving, and keep busy! the minute you stop, you might collapse, so just keep going forward:
DUH! GO SHOPPING!
DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT PICK AT YOUR FACE!
DO NOT CHECK HIS FACEBOOK/TWITTER PAGE/OR BLOG EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR!
BREATHE! STOP WONDERING WHEN, AND WITH WHO HE’S GONNA MAKE-OUT WITH OR SEXX FIRST! DON’T LET HIS ACTIONS DEFINE YOUR ACTIONS. ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. AND WHEN YOU’RE READY/WANT TO FOOL AROUND WITH SOMEONE NEW- DO IT! BUT DON’T TRY TO PROVE A POINT TO HIM.
YOU CAN’T BE MAD IF HE KISSES/SEXXXES SOMEONE NEW. HE’S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.
(HOLY FUCK. THAT LAST ONE WAS EVEN TOO MUCH FOR ME, AND I’M WRITING THIS LIST! YUCK. JUST THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE/FUCK EVERYONE AS I RIP HIS HEART OUT FOR MAKING ME DO IT- CUZ HE DID IT FIRST AND I WANT TO SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HIS ACTIONS HURT ME. EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT MINE/NOT MY LITTLE BEAR CUB ANYMORE! ANYWAYZIES, BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT STAYING POSITIVE:)
NO! DON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS! DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY?
DON’T WASTE TOO MUCH TIME RE-HASHING WHAT HAPPENED, WITH EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO CALLS AND SAYS ‘WHAT HAPPENED?’ IT’S OK FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S EATING INTO TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVELY!
HAVE POWER MEETINGS- ALL DAY, EVERYDAY! WOOOO!
WATCH BRIDGET JONES DIARY AND THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA! CUZ YOU CAN!
MAKE-OUT WITH VINCENT GALLO!
WITHOUT KNOWING HOW OR WHY, ASSUME YOU’LL BE ATTENDING THE ACADAMY AWARDS NEXT YEAR- AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ACCORDINGLY! TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY, MAINTAIN YOUR BEAUTY, AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE THE PRINCESS YOU ARE! NO YOU!
MOISTURIZE EVERY BIT OF YOUR BODY BEFORE BED! ESPECIALLY YOUR BOOBS EVEN!
DON’T GET LAZY AND FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH/FLOSS!
DO YOUR LAUNDRY FOR GOD’S SAKE!
GO OUT DANCING WITH YOUR RE-INSTATED GIRLFRIENDS. BUT DON’T HAVE SEX WITH SOME RANDOM DUDE YOU MEET AT THE CLUB! IT’S OK IF A GUY CORNERS YOU FOR A MAKE-OUT THOUGH. I MEAN, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE’S WAY PERSUASIVE AND A BABE!
ORGANIZE YOUR CLOSET YOU SCOUNDRAL!
HANG OUT WITH NATE AT FAMILY BOOKSTORE!
SELL THE SHIT YOU DON’T NEED/WANT ANYMORE- AND WHATEVER THEY WON’T BUY, DONATE TO GOODWILL! YOUR BREAK-UP IS SAVING LIVES!
SEE MOVIES ALONE AT THE ARCLIGHT!
GO TO THE 101 CAFE BY YOURSELF AFTER THE MOVIE AND PEOPLE WATCH! IF YOU SEE A HOT BABE, AND I MEAN UUBER HOT, SEND HIM A PEICE OF CAKE AND WAVE!
WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL! GET IT ALL OUT BITCH!….. ON PAPER… GROSS!
TAKE EPIC WALKS AROUND THE CITY!
GO ON LONG DRIVES!
LISTEN TO OLDIES! BUT NO MIX CD’S HE MADE FOR YOU!
DO KARAOKE WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS!
GET YOUR HAIR DONE DID!
LOOK GREAT WHEN YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE TO PICK UP THE REST OF YOUR STUUFF. EVEN THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, HE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT ALL TO YOU. BUT, LET’S FACE IT, HAVING AN EXCUSE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN IS PRETTY EXCITING! AM I RIGHT?!
HAVE BREAKFAST AT A FANCY HOTEL! FOR EXAMPLE: SIT AT THE COUNTER AT THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL COFFEE SHOP!
DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANY/ALL OF YOUR EX’S FRIENDS! IT’S NOT COOL. NOT COOL AT ALL. UNLESS HE DID IT TO YOU. THEN GO FOR IT. AN EYE FOR AN EYE! EVEN IF IT MIGHT MAKE THE WORLD BLIND!
did i mention i love you? cuz i do! xoxo
PS: click HERE for ANOTHER reminder of why it’s better to be single than with the wrong person. xo
it’s a new day! (yayzers, crazers, amazers!) and it doesn’t have to look as bleak as yesterday. YESTERDAY, i said my tearful goodbye to my now ex- and NOW i have to keep as busy as possible; so i don’t slow down enough to even have a chance to regret breaking up, miss him, or feel the loss in general. it’s funny though, nothing has really changed, we’re both in the same town- but just knowing that the ties are cut makes me feel a little unsettled/uneasy. like i don’t have a place. like there’s no one to tell about my day, no one to protect me, or hold me. but allow me to slap myself in the fucking face and snap the fuck out of it! let’s get positive! (as i pause and stare at the computer screen with nothing in me to write). jk, jk!
here’s a breakup guide to remind us of what to do when we’re starting over and mourning the death of something:
GET YOUR NAILS DONE SOME WACKY KUH-RAZY COLOR YOU NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED! HOLLAH! MUTHAH FUCKAH!
TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE YOU DON’T GIVE A FIZZ-UCK!
WRITE THE BOOK YOU SAY YOU WANNA WRITE/ WRITE THAT SCRIPT (AND NOT AT A COFFEE SHOP, YOU ‘NEW TO HOLLYWOOD’ LAME-HEAD!) YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT!
LOOK GOOD EVERYDAY! (YOU NEVER KNOW IF AND WHEN THE EX WILL DROP BY. OR WHO ELSE YOU COULD RUN INTO!)
ONLY WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA- YOU BIG CRY BABY!
KEEP A GAME FACE! AND MY ‘GAME’ I DON’T MEAN UGLY! KEEP IT CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!
STOP TELLING EVERYONE YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND ON SATURDAY, I MEAN, WHENEVER!
DO NOT BINGE EAT!
DON’T GET BITTER, GET BETTER!
TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS! REMEMBER THEM? THEY’RE THE ONES YOU’VE BEEN PUSHING TO THE WAYSIDE WHILE YOU WERE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! DON’T WORRY, I’M SURE THEY’LL BE HAPPY TO CONSOLE YOU- ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE A TRUE FRIEND, WHO’S GONE THROUGH IT TOO!
KEEP SHAVING YOUR LEGS! THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO BECOME A DIRTY HIPPY!
STAY POSITIVE! I ALREADY SAID THAT!
GO TO THE GYM AND RUN AT LEAST 3 MILES- EVERYDAY!
WHEN RUNNING, WEAR 3 SPORTS BRAS! DON’T LET THOSE TITS SAG GIRLIES! YOU’RE SINGLE NOW- WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES!
WAX THAT VADGE! NOT FULLY, FALL IS UPON US. JUST KEEP IT TIDY. HOW ABOUT: RETRO ON TOP. A NEAT AND KEMPT TRIANGLE. (NO LANDING STRIP BULLSHIT!)- AND SLICK LIKE A BABY ON THE BOTTOM! YOU’RE WELCOME!
GO TO THE OLYMPIC SPA, OR ANY SPA WHERE YOU CAN STEAM AND SAUNA!
WEAR FACIAL MASKS! (NOT OUT IN PUBLIC, YOU’RE NOT A MIME!)
TAKE YOURSELF OUT TO DINNER IN LAUREL CANYON!
GO TO THE CANYON COUNTRY STORE, GET A LATTE, AND SIT OUTSIDE!
BURN SAGE- IN YOUR HOME AND IN YOUR CAR!
WATCH REALLY BAD/GREAT TV! I LOVE: THE RACHEL ZOE PROJECT, CONAN O’BRIEN, FLIPPING OUT, TALK SOUP, PROJECT RUNWAY, OLD SCHOOL BH 90210, AND REAL HOUSEWIVES…OF ANYWHERE!
DON’T GET DRUNK! THE ALCOHAL WILL BLOAT YOU AND IS A DEPRESSANT! WE’RE TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD HERE, REMEMBER?!
SINCE YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE, CUZ YOU JUST GOT OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, USE YOUR ALOOF NATURE TO REEL IN THE BABES- TAKE THEIR NUMBER; AND WHEN YOU’RE READY, YOU’LL CALL.
GO ON HIKES.
BUY CONDOMS! AND DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL THE FIRST NEW GUY YOU SLEEP WITH THAT HE NEEDS TO GET TESTED BEFORE YOU DO IT. IT’S THE TIMES WE LIVE IN. IT JUST IS! YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO THOUGH, AND THEN YOU TWO CAN SWAP RESULTS! 2009=SEXXXXXY TIMES! RIIIIIGHT?! WHEEEEEE!
FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT IN A DUDE!
FIGURE OUT WHAT PROBLEMS YOU HAVE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON!
TAKE BUBBLE/EPSOM SALT BATHS!
FOCUS ON WORK!
REMEMBER, YOU WANTED TO BREAK UP! TRUST THAT THIS DECISION IS FOR THE BEST.
HAVE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS IT WILL BRING.
MAKE YOUR HOUSE NICE! OH NO, IKEA COULD DRUDGE UP SAD EX BF MEMORIES! WALK THROUGH IT MY SISTER! BE BRAVE BITCH!
PAY YOUR RENT!
INVITE YOUR FRIENDS AND INTERNS OVER!
MEET NEW PEOPLE!
JUMP ON THE BACK OF A CUTE GUYS VESPA!
DON’T DO DRUGS! NO REALLY, DON’T.
STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX! WISH HIM WELL, AND THINK GOOD THOUGHTS! JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN’T WORK OUT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HATE EACHOTHER!
WATCH: SEX AND THE CITY (EPISODES & OR THE MOVIE)/MOONSTRUCK/VALLEY GIRL/DAZED AND CONFUSED.
GO HORSEBACK RDING!
TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!
DON’T SMOKE. THAT’S PROBABLY WHY HE DUMPED YOU!
MASTURBATE TOO MUCH! FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR CAREER TAKING OFF, YOU’RE DREAMS COMING TRUE, OR JUST YOUR DREAM DUDE IN GENERAL!
START USING THE WORD ‘HUNK’. EXAMPLE: ‘THAT GUY’S A HUNK!’ GOING TOO FAR WOULD BE: ‘THAT HUNK’S A HUNK!’ EDIT YOURSELF.
DON’T EDIT YOURSELF. UNLESS YOU’RE SUPER BORING, AND LIKE TO TALK A LOT. THEN SOME INTERNAL EDITING MIGHT BE HELPFUL IN MAKING YOU MORE LIKABLE.
READ IMBOYCRAZY.COM – THAT BITCH IS FUCKED UP!
i love you! xoxo
i kinda don’t know what to write. me. i can usually rant about anything. but I’m shocked. i was dating someone for about a year and two months, someone who mattered to me. it wasn’t a perfect fit (even though he loved me and i loved him) and so we decided to stop seeing eachother. his behavior pushed me away, and my behavior DEFINITLY pushed him away. i take responsibility. i had a feeling we were gonna break up. it was looming, but for some reason, i didn’t think it was gonna end over the phone while he was in Santa Monica and i was in Hollywood. he didn’t want to see me in person.
it’s been a couple of days now. we still haven’t seen eachother. after a year and two months, i think ending it face to face would have been the decent thing to do. i know this is hard for both of us, but i would have preferred a proper goodbye; looking eachother in the eyes, recognizing the fact that we mattered to one another, that this wasn’t a dream, and that our relationship really happened. but, he refused and snapped at me when i brought this up. it’s fine. it has to be, he won’t budge. at least it gives me more evidence of why we shouldn’t be together.
i wish you well Mr. i learned a lot. tell your family i love them, even if that last bit of advice from your mom was bad. i just wanted some respect- a dignified goodbye/parting of ways. I’m gonna assume you shut down because you don’t know how to deal with the emotions you’re having. this is a bummer, but i AM glad we met. i wish you well, and I’m a better person because of the time we spent together. xo, me
if anyone out there actually reads this blog, likes it, or maybe even LOVES it and wants to be part of something they appreciate-where they could learn and be inspired…. i’m looking for interns to help build and grow imboycrazy.com:
various positions/working as little as one day a week is fine:
• i need street teamers to put up stickers and hand out buttons EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE to EVERYONE. at clubs, on the street. in the valley, downtown, hollywood, wherevs!
• i need help with e-mails, and managing all the social networking sites that exist for imboycrazy.
• various errands, listening to me rant, getting me coffee, and getting excited about stupid awesome shit.
• and if nothing else- tell at least one person you know about imboycrazy.com, and you will have done enough!
if interested in any of the above, please contact me @ [email protected]
thanks for helping spread the word about imboycrazy.com
i love you and look forward to hearing from you.
1. don’t write ‘xo’ unless you mean ‘xo’!
2. hey, do yourself a favor and DON’T buy toilet paper in public! What the fuck are you trying to prove here?! do i need to hold your hand as you walk through life with your head up your ass? because, i won’t do it! i just won’t.
3. a trough of salad is still a trough. And pigs feed at a trough.
4. if something /ANYTHING resembling cottage cheese is pouring out of your vadge hole OR dick hole- it’s time to start considering wearing looser pants, having PROTECTED sex, and/or going to the fucking doctor! you oozing monster privates! Jesus!
5. eating in your car while it’s parked in the trader joes/whole foods parking lot is N0T pathetic. It’s what I call, keeping it casual.
6. if a dude walks out on you when you’re newly preggers- he’s either a total piece of shit OR you’re a rotten jerk. Either way, someone has a lot of inner work to do. Good luck… to the BABY!
7. i don’t care if you’re a Buddhist wearing a robe- if you pull into the parking space next to me, open your door, and ding my car WHILE I’m SITTING in it- I’m gonna call you out!
8. don’t be dull.
9. when you’re sleeping, if you turn over and reposition your head on the pillow- your dream will change direction too.
10. words are JUST words and people fake smiles all the time! just like YOU think one thing and say another, so does everybody else. don’t believe/buy into everything at face value. If you believe all the GOOD stuff, you’ll have to believe all the BAD stuff. try to remain grounded, solid, and secure in your skin. and don’t give others the power to change your mood.