we met on facebook (part 2):

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(continued) the days passed. we spoke and texted less and less. one night while he was writing on my wall- my facebook wall, not my vaginal walls- his friend joined in on the wall postings. the comments were too harsh for me. they weren’t funny and i was feeling sensitive. i was pms’ing and over it. did i have a crush on someone in la? maybe. ‘fb dude’ called me and i told him i was annoyed. that i didn’t wanna talk. i wasn’t in the mood. who was this guy? ugh, i didn’t even know him. and now he and his friend were teaming up on me on facebook? i didn’t feel safe. he was suddenly an enemy, not an ally. looking back, i was feeling particularly sensitive that night. but that was that, i kinda forgot about the whole thing, and never called him back.

months after our last phone call, ‘fb dude’ texted me saying he’d be in la in a couple weeks for 2 days. he asked me to pick a day to go out on a coffee date. i picked the first of the two days.. just in case he was gorgeous. i continued on with my life. i remembered him telling me that he LOVED hair on a girls privates during one of our late night calls, so i got waxed, knowing i would be grown out by the time he came to town. he wasn’t priority number one, but he was in the back of my mind: ‘oh, yay! if nothing’s going on, at least i have a date early next month.’

i was dating and focused on work. i went to a laker game, dinner parties, was spending time with my girlfriends. one of them told me about some faceless male blogger- who’s blog reminded her of mine. i checked it out. but there were so many pics of some hipster ‘it girl’ dj, i decided against reading it. i was probably just annoyed that the obsessive photos weren’t of me. i can be such a narcissist fuck. so, i emailed him:

me: who are you? the male me? i wanna see a pic. i won’t tell a soul. xo, alexi

him: Just so you know I’m not that easy. One e-mail from a pretty girl is not enough to have me uploading pics.

me: ok. people keep telling me about your blog because they say it reminds them of mine. however, it’s not really that similar. especially since i don’t hide my identity. didn’t we already write on fb? or am i totally wrong? maybe you’re not even a boy. holy shit, the interweb is crazers. i’ll leave you alone now. best, alexi

him: It’s actually been really hard being anonymous because so many channels of promotion were not open to me. I will be honest, your blog was one of the reasons I started, dudes really don’t have anything like it, most of the men that blog about women are so fucking douchey, I just wanted to tell stories about new york and have fun with it.

me: well, thank you. i’m glad i inspired you. : )

me (3 days later): one more thing…. are you a goodlooking, tall (6 feet or over), single boy babe? (he didn’t respond.)

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

two weeks later, ‘fb dude’ arrived in la!

in the days that led up to his arrival- i had been inundated with work and was WAY more excited about watching bad tv/being cozy at home/spending more time with my family, friends, and myself- whenever i had any down time, than i was about meeting lackluster dudes and prowling. it wasn’t worth the energy.

(even though, let’s face it, my eyes are ALWAYS OPEN when it comes to cute boys; at the supermarket, cafes, while driving- to the point of borderline driving into walls or off a cliff, even maybe!)

I’d only had sex once in the last four months. and now, i needed it like medicine! in the daytime, i was fine. but when it got dark and cold out (and, lately,  it was getting darker earlier and more cold than usual) i felt in need of a cuddle/makeout/sexxxy time rendezvous. but i had no crush on anyone! no one on my radar. and i didn’t want it to be an empty experience. i wanted it to be fun and cozy. with someone who actually values me, and likes me as a person.

my best male friend would tell me to just ‘rub one out’ and go to sleep. he’s a charmer. he actually IS a charmer, but i prefer the term ‘touch myself’. anyways, not being sexxed in four months was leaving me feeling not cute/de-swagger-fied.

but, the day my ‘fb dude’ got to la, i had just started to feel better! that particular day was hectic and i was happy! i had castings, hit on some 19 and 23 year old boys, my best girlfriend and i went shopping/bro’d out like champions, and I’d even had a business meeting over hot chocolates and coffee at the chateau marmont! this way to fancy town! what more did i need?

now i was dreading the date. i was confused. how did this dude fit into my life? he didn’t! i didn’t want to be nervous and anxious about being judged by a dude who’s only ever seen pictures of me on the interweb; who i might not even like; sit with him judging whether my photos were a misrepresentation of me; i didn’t want to be a let down. fuck. i didn’t need more stress in my life! i’m just a person! a person! this was supposed to be fun! i had just gotten over a cold, i was sleepy faced. yikes. i hoped he didn’t think i was an ugly/fat/wrinkled/monster/with bad skin . i hated that i cared, because ultimately it didn’t matter what this guy thought of me. i think i’m great! (are you noticing i have a tendency to over-think, cuz i do. i know! you’re welcome. ahh!)

i was meeting ‘fb dude’ at 8:45 at m cafe and i was running a few minutes late. i showed up at 8:50. i entered from the back, walked into the ladies room to look at myself in the mirror, DUH! it’s THE THING to do, and fluffed my hair! i walked out of the ladies, down the corridor, and there he was… and he was fucking GORGEOUS. (to be continued)


we met on facebook (part 1):

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I’ll call him ‘fb dude’. he had requested my friendship on facebook months before. he lived in new york. his default pic was nice. somehow, probably by asking, i found out he was 6’2. he was trolling me and i love attention. we had mutual friends, (did i mention he was tall and good-looking?), so it was fine! friendship accepted! hollah! i asked one of our mutual friends if ‘fb dude’ was a jerky murderer or something, and he said no. alright! i could be excited! we would write on fb, text, and even have long phone call conversations. this was new for me. i’d never let a random facebook request escalate to phone calls! sometimes he texted me during the day and checked up on me. it’s always nice to get a text. even if it DID just stem from boredom and the new texting obsession that’s been going around/sweeping the nation. give a text, get a text!

one night he had to talk me down off a ledge (figuratively) about a guy i had a crush on. what was ‘fb dude’? a friend? a romance? what he was was a lonliness eliminator or at least an alleviator. i guess i was the same for him. he was probably JUST putting in the time, effort, work to sexxx me if we ever ended up in the same town at the same time. but the conversations went on a bit too long. putting in time could have been done in smaller intervals. maybe he should rework his game? did he just like my blog? was he a facebook predator pro?  he seemed very alive on the web. i should talk. I’m basically fb spam- trying to get people to read my b l o g. what was his excuse? i guess this is how it is now. modern men in modern times troll the web. one thing that concerned me was how late he stayed up every night. it seemed like he went to bed at 7am every night/day. but he filled that attention void i needed.

he was a self proclaimed ex-‘wigger‘. i don’t like even WRITING that word, because it’s linked to the ‘n’ word- but that’s what he referred to himself as. this ‘wigger’esque dialect came out here and there over the phone. i thought it was sexy and random. very different for me. what was i doing on the phone with this dude? but it was kinda nice having some faceless set of ears to talk to. talk about whatevs. practice being witty. practice fast paced, flirty banter.

it was getting late one night during one of these phone calls, when he offered to send me a ‘dick pic’. wtf?! i had never even heard of this phrase! was this some new thing? did all the kids know about dick pic’ing except me? i said “no! gross! do not send me a pic of your dick. that will kill everything! whatever this ‘thing’ is- will be extinguished. ugh.” it took about 20 minutes for me to say “okay, send it.” and he did! holy shit! i can’t believe this dude sent me a pic of his dick! he asked me to send him some sort of pic back! yeah right! what a pro this dude was! but i’m not fucking retarded! no way!

the next day, i felt it was my duty to tell as many girlfriends of mine who would listen about my new-found dick pic knowledge. i showed them the pic which was now stored in my phone (calm down, it was just his privates, no pic of his face attached and i didn’t say his name! I’m not evil. i would never do that!) i even passed my phone around at a dinner party to everyone’s shock, horror, jubilee, and dismal fascination. what can i say? dicks look weird. but so do vagina’s. this isn’t a competition. so let’s just call a spade a spade. back to the dick pic: it was too ‘this’ for some, too ‘that’ for others. my dude friends just shrugged when i showed them. i’m pretty sure i showed everyone i ran into, including people i didn’t know but wanted to meet – JUST so i could show them. it was fun! i’m GLAD ‘fb dude’ sent it to me. i told him i showed it to people at a dinner party and he wasn’t even mad. he was actually a smart dude who had some good insight into things, gave good advice about relationships, and happened to send the occasional picture of his dick. yikes. (to be continued)

the blind leading the blind (part 28):

yayoi

1. i don’t know what it means that some people are ticklish and some people aren’t: but guys who are not ticklish CAN NOT be trusted. it’s just how i feel. end of story!

2. when you answer your phone: accidentally on purpose, make sure you have really cool music playing in the background. Let it play for no longer then three seconds, as you casually fumble for the off switch while saying ‘huh-low.Helooo?’

3. treat em mean, keep em keen.

4. dudes AND girls: don’t text while on a date! i swear to god, it will ruin EVERYTHING!

5. fake crab in California rolls tastes better than real crab. It JUST does. I said it.

6. don’t park super duper close to a driveway! you’re making it really hard for a car to pull in. jerk.

7. wow. Bold move blowing your nose IN PUBLIC! I don’t even wanna tell you how many people saw you do that- even though you think you were totally incognito.

8. don’t send nude pix of yourselves to other people via the Internet or cell phone! this will bite you in the ass in the end! be careful! and don’t let a boy bully you into it. just say no!

9. i remember turning to a girl in the playground when I was in 1st grade and asking her what her moms name was. And she had no idea. make sure you know your moms first name. if only this blog existed then, that first grader wouldn’t forever live on in my mind as the most brain dead girl in the world. god rest her soul.

10. just let him go down on you! enough with the: “no, i can’t, stop it, I’m gross, no….okay, wait, er…i mean no.” ‘s

years ago….. (part 3):

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(continued from the LAST post)

Turns out, now that it’s 2009 (and apparently for the past 3 years or so- thanks a lot for not telling me, old doc!) there’s a better technique to see if there’s a recurrence of cancer. A technique that doesn’t require you to go on a very restrictive 2 week diet ahead of time. It’s an ultrasound. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I saw this new doc, got an order for an ultrasound, and even though I’d just been given another clean bill of health from a body scan I did about a month ago under the LAST endocrinologists care- I decided to cover my ass and double check; so I got the ultrasound.

The doctor called a few days later. He told me my thyroid levels were good (since I no longer have a thyroid, I take a thyroid replacement EVERYDAY- btw: finding the right level for your body is a process. You and your doc figure out what levels are working through trial and error. Sometimes you’re out of breath walking up the stairs- dose is too low. Sometimes you’re feeling frantic and can’t stop sweating- dose is too high. And finally, you work out the dosage so you’re just right! Like Goldilocks!), he told me my blood-work, iron levels, etc all looked good. BUT they found abnormal lymph nodes.

Wtf! Are you fucking kidding me! This again?! After about 5 years (more if I include the years of drainings and biopsies before they ever even found abnormal cells) of body scans, diets, and blood-work! I’ve always just referred to it as a hassle. I’ve made the cancer stuff I’ve dealt with ‘a hassle’. But now, I’m panicked. I don’t want this hassle in my life anymore!!! I don’t need to slow down and look at my life. I know what I want! I know what I’m grateful for. And I don’t want this!

Today I’m getting the abnormal lymph nodes biopsied. It’s a fine needle biopsy. They stick a long thin needle in my neck and draw fluid, cells. After that I wait. I wait for the lab to look at what they took. I wait for the doctor to call me and tell me if I have cancer again. And if I do, I have to go under the knife again. And if it’s nothing I will be relieved. So please, think good thoughts for me and light a candle or 10. I love you. i love you. i love you. Xo

years ago….. (part 2):

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(continued from the LAST post)

so, the first surgery had determined- I had papillary thyroid cancer. The second surgery was easier. It was as though my body was a seasoned pro. I was still in a ton of pain when I came to, but I was eating more quickly than I had after the first operation. And according to everyone around me: nurses, my mom, my bf, and my friend skip- I wasn’t as pale. No dad visit again. OK. He would have made it harder. He would have annoyed me, rattled me, made me anxious due to him being so rude and antagonistic. He probably would have cringed seeing me because he doesn’t know how to handle situations that call for tenderness, calm, or unconditional love.

At least I had my boyfriend. Or at least that’s how I felt before he visited me at the hospital one day, while I was recovering,  got into bed with me reeking of booze and told me he drank a bottle of cooking wine and might need to go to aa. I’m so glad he didn’t make it all about him. Phew! him in bed with me, crammed into a bed smaller than a twin size, tugged at the iv in my arm. This was not comfortable. Sometimes you get sick because it’s your body’s way of making you slow down and get quiet- so you can look at life, look at YOUR life, and realize what’s important, what isn’t, what you want and what you do not want, realize what you’re grateful and thankful for.

Now I had no thyroid and they had removed some lymph nodes/scraping the inside of my neck. I did radiation and my head swelled up like I was a 400 pound woman, and yet my body remained the same. embarrassing! riiight! I can’t remember the order of all the procedures. Maybe they found residual stuff in my lymph nodes after the second surgery and then did the radiation? Then a second radiation because it wasn’t taking? either or.

It seemed like everything was finally OK. although, the radiation fucked with my salivary glands a bit- more specifically, my parotid glands. So for a while, and even to this day- if I eat something too crazy sour or salty, I might feel like the area between my earlobes and jawline is swelling. is it a real swelling or a phantom swelling? It’s always different. Drinking water makes it calm down and go back to normal. Nobody notices but me, it’s so subtle. but I notice.

in the four years that followed, each and EVERY year- I had to go on what’s called a ‘low iodine diet’ to prepare for a full body scan to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back. And for the past four years, each scan has been clear of any residual cancer. Yay! But my doctor started to worry me. She’s on a few too many reality shows! I felt her office was a bit jumbled and I didn’t like the front office’s attitude or organization. So I decided to mix it up. i asked around, to potentially see a new endocrinologist. well, he doesn’t look like house, but i found one! (to be continued)

years ago…..

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I was living in japan when I noticed a lump in my neck. Holy shit, if you looked too closely, it looked like an Adam’s apple. When I got back to la, I made sure to see a doctor. THAT doctor referred me to a specialist: an endocrinologist, they specialize in an organ called the thyroid. turned out the lump was just a benign (cancer free) nodule. kinda like an internal blister (in my fucking neck. gross!). it was filled with liquid, which they would drain about once a month, so that the lump wouldn’t be noticeable. and every time i went to the hospital to have a needle stuck in my neck, and fluid removed, they would have the fluid sent to a lab and checked- just to make sure it was still benign/cancer free.

well, one day, after yet another routine drainage (after years of sooo many fine needle biopsy’s, aspirations, and drainings): this time when the fluid was analyzed, the doctors found abnormal cells. Oh no! What did this mean? Abnormal cells? Did that mean I have cancer? But they couldn’t tell me. The only way they could officially find out was to operate and take out my thyroid. Now, I don’t expect anyone to know this- but the thyroid is a very necessary and vital organ in your body. It regulates/controls your metabolism, heating system, etc. bottom line is, you need it. It is possible to survive with only half a thyroid- so that’s what I decided, opted to do! if the cancer was only a possibility and not definite, and the only way to find out was to operate, I would only have half of it removed. the doctor suggested this as her preferred option! so i said ok!

i was scared. do you know that prior to surgery, you have to mark the hand or shoulder of the side of your body that’s being operated on with a marker pen? just in case? as i was wheeled into surgery, i thought about how we put celebrities on pedestals and read tabloids about actors and musicians- but it’s times like these you realize the real stars are nurses and doctors. a doctor can save your life! and a nice nurse is a god send. they make you smile, help you pee, bring you jello, hold your hand, fix what’s hurting, clean up the blood, vomit, up the dose, etc. the first surgery was a very painful process. not during. i was out cold. it’s the waking up part after anesthesia that’s the worst. I had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, even though the nurses give you something to prevent this very thing from happening BEFORE giving you the actual anesthesia. Waking up; the nauseousness, the deep painful ache from the incision, the iv in your arm. It’s sooo cold in post op. goosebumps! your whole body aches. was there a tube down my throat? oh no, wait, that’s another story I’ve yet to tell you. post op, every little thing is amplified. Noise is piercing as you come in and out of consciousness. the other post op victims moaning and groaning! And after I was conscious, I learned that I did indeed have cancer.

it had spread to my lymph nodes. They would have to go back in and remove the other half. This was around thanksgiving about five years ago. I went home a few days after the first surgery, and had my thanksgiving dinner. I was a moody, grumpy bitch. I sat at a table in my apartment in beachwood canyon with my mom and my then fiance/boyfriend. I was rude to my mom, and she left. Gee, I wonder why I was rude. But she left and took it all very personally. A week later, I went back in for surgery number two. My dad didn’t go to either of the surgeries. we had got into an argument over the phone the day before the first surgery and I said something along the lines of ‘fine, don’t come to my surgery!’ So he didn’t. I thought he might visit me post-op or at least when I was told I actually had cancer, but he didn’t then either. Oh well. We don’t pick our family. (to be continued)

the blind leading the blind (part 27):

juergenteller_creativespark

1. types of guys to date while you’re single: a fireman, a 19 year old, a mogul, a rapper, a basketball player, a skater, a musician, a black dude, a Latino dude, a white dude, an Asian dude, a Jewish dude, a lawyer, a director, a doctor, p diddy, kanye, a politico, a chef. bonus points to those of you who can collect all or most of these qualifications in ONE dude!

2. beware of ‘the lure of the sweatshirt’. i know they’re super cozy and comfortable, but they aren’t high fashion, flattering, or chic. do you really wanna be wearing a potato sack with pockets when you run into rob pattinson at whole foods? hmm, maybe you do. bella wears them all the time and word on the street is; he likes her… but, better to be safe than sorry! scrap the hoodies and go for an effortlessly chic/thrown together/ hip/ cool/ casual look! you’ll thank me later.

3. pay attention to the new friends you invite into your life. in the past, I’d meet people and only realize after months of hanging out that I’m doing all the entertaining and they’re totally boring.

4. be the person you want to attract.

5. dudes: wipe the dried cum off your pants. This isn’t a badge of honor. especially if it’s not from an encounter you had with the girl you’re currently dating/on a date with! why do i have to tell you this!?

6. keep some goddamn mystery ladies! Put your mascara on in private. Don’t do it lounging around in public!

7. don’t be too mad at him. all he’s really guilty of  is not loving you.

8. being a grown up is sooo cool! you can drive a car! go to sleep whenever you want! eat whatevs! live in your own apartment! listen to music all loud-but try not to annoy your neighbors! People even pay you money sometimes! Like, they give it RIGHT TO YOU- not your parents! enjoy it! you’ve waited your whole life to be a grown up! it’s all happening!

9. don’t be 10 minutes late, be 10 minutes early! but wait in your car- and ring the doorbell RIGHT on TIME!

10. i don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a people pleaser or had the need to fill gaps of possible uncomfortable silences, but I’ve always asked people a lot of questions; about their life, job, technique, past experiences, goals, reasons for doing what they do- whether it’s how they’re doing a medical procedure or dental exam, or why they got married and had 5 kids, what they’re doing- technically and emotionally, and whatever that stems from, etc.  I’m grateful of this trait/habit because it’s taught me a lot/ helped me navigate the college of life. so, for the love of god, ask questions! people like it when you take an interest in them. and even if you don’t care…you could actually learn something!

PS:

(part 2) is this it? modern love:

JurgenTellerCharlotteRamplingrszd

(continued from yesterday’s post)

he wrote:

It’s hard to tell sometimes, people’s survival mechanisms kick in and
they become great at living double lives, but actions generally speak
louder than words. Steve Harvey has a great line in his book “act like
a woman, think like a man”. when he says “men love different than women.
he wont tell you he loves you all the time, so don’t expect it. but if
he takes you out to hang with his boys, he’s showing that you’re his
girl, that exhibition of coupledom in front of that group of people is
almost more significant than the word.”

To get some insight, I have a pretty girl.  She’s sweet as candy,
LOVESSSS me so much, would do anything for me. I think she’s the
coolest, but I still think I can do better.  I think I can get some
celeb chick AND I KNOW that she’ll be annoying and awful, and totally
lifeless and my girl now is better. But it’s the ego, the adventure
and the thrill of the hunt. Its so you get that rush of adrenaline
when you kiss a girl for the first time, and the next morning you can
look in the mirror and say “GOOD STUFF” and the kid version of you
high fives the 29 year old version of yourself. Warren Beaty slept his
way to Annette Bening and she seems fucking awesome. Bill Mahr doesn’t
have a wife cause he is sharper without one. Spielberg married young,
divorced when he got famous and married some actresses from his movie
at the height of his powers.  its just animal.

Going ahead in the future, you should protect yourself as much as you
can before you are comfortable enough to open up. Your lesson about
guys who come on strong is right, they are usually overcompensating
for something. Be a cynic but be open and don’t become a man hater.
Even though what he did was selfish and shitty, he was sweet and
tender and truly cared about you, but love sucks when it’s one sided,
and that is why you should try to avoid it at all costs until you find
someone who is ready to travel that road to its ultimate conclusion, a
singular relationship with a person to be fully committed to.

is this it? modern love:

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dear alexi,

I am feeling a need to share this with someone and i thought you might
be the one to talk to about it. i asked a straight male friend to
share his honest perspective on my life’s recent events. What he
revealed was enlightening and honest.

he writes:

I just have an ego, insecurity, and a taste for the unknown, guys wanna
fuck and feel masculine and it gets boring and it’s not the girls
fault. Europeans have mistresses, mafia guys too. It makes sense. You
have your love, your partner, the one who you share your life with,
the everyday friend and last phone call and cuddle buddy on the couch
to iron chef with and then you have some extra physical on the side to
keep you from resenting that love. Plus if he’s surrounded by
opportunity all the time, he will want to take it. If nothing else you
should be happy that he didn’t lie about being with someone and
continue the charade.

It’s all about him and NOT you. His deficiencies, his insecurities,
NOT YOURS. You are better than him: hot and funny and weird and
original and smarter than the rest. But don’t kid yourself, the no
labels thing was not what you wanted… you let him have that cause
you wanted him.  Even though I now find myself in a scenario where and
am dating a girl exclusively, I don’t feel anywhere near done having
meaningless sexual escapades with strange girls.  I don’t know why
not, maybe cause my dad gave me Henry Millers “Quiet Days in Clichy”
when I was 14 to read… I’m just ready to give it a rest for now. And
he didn’t want that cause he’s not ready to be DONE and that has
NOTHING to do with you.

**Then I asked him, what is the solution to this ongoing problem?**

he writes:

There are mistresses. There is Mormonism. There are people in loveless
marriages that work out of financial convenience. There are people who
stay together for the sake of their kids. There are men who just give
up the sex to have a mother/wife. The issue is: the guys you are
attracted to have ego and ambition and that usually goes hand and hand
with sexual prowess. You could find a nerd who has never been with a
girl and you could take on the role of aggressor. You could find a
lonely heart who is SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU. YOU’RE A CATCH. But you know
what they say “find me a beautiful girl and i’ll show you a guy who’s
tired of fucking her”.  Leo dumped Giselle…I mean we’re f’d…

(to be continued……..)

Alexi Wasser is ‘BOYCRAZY':

Boy Crazy Promo from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy in bed from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy at the drugstore: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy waking up in echo park from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy gets a job: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

boycrazy bikini mishap: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.



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