1. important people drink diet coke! BUT drinking diet coke will not make you important.
2. try to reserve your inane, boring, self indulgent phone conversations to the privacy of your own home. And if your windows are open- close them asshole! People can hear you! And the secret is: they don’t want to! your voice is noise.
3. watch a guy masturbate to know how he likes to be touched and ‘taken care of’.
4. guys AND girls: do NOT crack your knuckles in front of someone you want to make out with or sexxx! It’s not enticing in any way/shape/or form.
5. yes, i know the blinking red light on your blackberry has somehow turned into the most exciting thing in your life! It could be anyone or anything! But don’t let everyone around you know how exciting this is for you.
6. Windex your bathroom mirror you dirty bitch! the puss, from the zits you pop when you’re all alone, that sprays on the mirror – will TOTALLY give you away every time!
7. if I were sinead o’connor- i would make a come back by growing out my hair, performing a song on Saturday night live, while holding up a picture of the pope- and then NOT tear it up.
8. when someone walks by in a skirt that’s way too short, it’s like watching ice skating- you have to stare cuz you’re waiting for the skater to fall/skirt to blow up and vadge or bum to be exposed!
9. when buying a blank autograph book at the Disneyland gift store- you aren’t supposed to use it to practice signing your own autograph. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It could be way embarrassing.
10. keep your legs closed to married men! (courtesy of NeNe from real housewives of Atlanta)
this is sonny! sonny and i clearly started out on the wrong foot! we met at a super casual/yet uuber chic dinner party – where he was instantly snarky with me! with every question i asked him, i got an answer that in no way resembled the truth. but, being the people pleaser that i am – riddled with daddy issues and a severe NEED to be liked (THANK GOD) i went out of my way to match his bravado, and yell at him until he had no choice but to love me AND my b l o g (or at least agree to MAYBE read it one day)!
now, not only do i think the dude’s great, but i’m an even BIGGER fan of his super awesome girlfriend! they might just be the best couple ever! pow! bam! boom! check outsonny’s crazy amazers (that’s my personal slang for ‘rad’) show at space 1520 UP NOW! don’t be a retarded monster and miss it! it could be the perfect outing for a date! i love you!
sometimes ALL you have is your computer and a fantasy/daydream! the dude you like TOTALLY isn’t calling you- so you’re left googling the shit out of him. i get it! it’s fine. we’ve all done it. we’ve all been there. but this isn’t real. just because Susan miller’s astrology website tells you that his being a Libra and you being an Aquarius is a perfect match, DOESN’T mean your love life is gonna be tied up in a bow! i think you should go on a long walk. i really do. you need some fresh air- you’re having a freak-out. stop refreshing your facebook and twitter pages! no one’s sent you a new message. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news/voice of reason and second grade logic that still holds up.
go outside and talk to a real person. wait till the dude you’ve got in your minds eye ACTUALLY calls you, or a close second, texts you. and if he DOES try to reach you, via twitter or the face book (which i personally feel is a dick AND pussy move)- I’m sure it will alert your blackberry I phone or whatever, so you don’t have to be glued to your desk waiting! move about the world. it’s good for you. i love you. xo
1. if you like a girl, just call her. please CALL her.
2. if you like a boy, DON’T call him. Let him call YOU!
3. don’t wait for the phone to ring. you should be juggling men, reading a book, going to the gym, and working towards taking over the world ALL AT ONCE!
4. Hey m cafe- how about you take the raw onions out of the kale salad. What are you trying to do, ruin my life?!
5. only make out with boys who have been on Oprah or have an extensive wikipedia page.
6. nobody likes a star fucker.
7. NEVER obsess over a dude – whether you’re in a relationship OR single.
8. here’s a secret: everyone comes out of a vagina-unless they were removed via c section OR a mistaken miscarriage that swam to the surface of the toilet bowl or carpet it landed in. So don’t let someone make you feel less then, OR not as good as them. Unless they ARE better-cuz that does happen sometimes too. Sorry.
9. don’t talk shit. it’s just a good habit to break! ESPECIALLY if you don’t mean it. cuz even if you DON’T talk shit, I’m sure some asshole out there is saying you said something that you didn’t. and if you DO talk shit – people talk and it will get back to the person you’re ragging on. yeah RAGGING!
10. DUDES: if you WANT to be celibate, you don’t HAVE to grow a goatee! but it will definitely help!
hello! Hi. Have you two met? Oh, no? Well allow me to introduce you to the sexiest dude in the ENTIRE world! during this interview, i was totally off my game. who am i kidding? I’m ALWAYS off my game! jk jk! i am NOT trying to promote self hating or whatevs on this site! so let’s leave the negativity at the door! wheeeee! is everyone cool with the fact that i’ve taken on the writing style of a pedophile about to murder a classroom of stuffed animals? i hope so! cuz i’m just getting started!
back to the dude at hand: I was unable to be as witty as I KNOW I could have been during the interview, so forgive me! But I hope you enjoy the video anywayzies! I love you! Xo
ps: EVERYONE! please check out my friend dallas clayton’s very important site that i’m totally in awe and proud of http://www.veryawesomeworld.com . it just might be the best thing you click on ALL day (except for my blog…maybe a close tie?) i love you!
pps: thank you sooo much to THE FADER magazine for supporting my blog and writing this amazing article in the actual magazine AND posting the same article AND my boycrazy promo on your website too! it made me the happiest girl in the world! i love you! xo