racism sux:

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hi. my name is Alexi Wasser. i don’t know if you know this, but i am white. i’m practically see through. I’m not a ghost haunting you, or following you down the street. I’m just a person. a really pale person. Conan O’Brien could be my father. I’d prefer it if he was my husband, but he’s married and my crush on him is another post all together. the other day, while i was walking around my neighborhood, i stopped in a shop and happened to know the guy who worked there. he was not white, he was not black, he was not Asian. he was something else. I’m not sure what his ethnicity was exactly, so i won’t try to label him. he was a babe, but so far, that’s not ethnicity exclusive. he was talking to an Asian guy. a video of two dudes wrestling or skate boarding or something played on the TV screen, mounted to the wall above us. the shop dude wanted to show me a vimeo video on his laptop.

while i was watching the video, a black dude walked in. the black dude asked the shop dude who the guy on the TV screen was. the shop dude replied “i don’t know. some Asian dude.” he said this in a completely non sarcastic, straightforward way. and even though i was watching the vimeo, because I’m not deaf, i shivered. this could go either way. the shop dude had set up a perfect scenario for someone to be offended. isn’t there a difference between using the words Asian, white, black, Latino, etc to describe what someone looks like in a crowd- and using them in a racist manner? this was no time for logic. i was already feeling guilty and i hadn’t done anything wrong. I’m not even sure if the shop guy had done anything wrong. all i know is that by describing someone by their ethnicity alone, he was setting himself up for trouble.

i was right. the black dude said “oh, he’s an Asian dude?” he lifted the Asian dudes shirt up and said “Is that you? you’re Asian. you must be the same guy on the TV screen. he’s just some Asian dude.” holy shit. the shop guy had triggered some gnarly shit that was weighing quite heavily in the black dudes soul and because of all my white guilt, i wanted to hug the black guy and say “I’m so sorry. he didn’t mean it. i love black people. people are not ONLY their race. duh?! I’m sure the shop guy didn’t mean any harm!” but i didn’t. i tried to mind my own business. this wasn’t about me. this was about the black dude and shop dude. but mainly the black dude was projecting all his internal issues with a group of three young people in a shop that hadn’t done anything wrong.. really.

well, at least i tried to mind my own business – that is, until the black dude pointed at his white gf/wife whatever she was, who was at the other end of the store shopping with their kids, looked at me and shouted “Are you two related?!” i was shocked. wtf? i was watching a fucking vimeo. i looked up, looked the black dude in the eye, and looked at his white gf/wife and said “huh?” he repeated himself “i said, are you related to her? you two look the same!” i stood there, dumbfounded. my worst nightmare was coming true. i was straight up being accused of being racist. and i hadn’t even said anything remotely stupid and cavalier like the shop dude had. how did i get dragged into this? i should have just laughed, but my white guilt and need to be liked took over. so instead, i said “are you asking me if we’re related because we’re both white?” the black guy nodded. that’s when i knew i should/could have taken the high road and been an adult. but I’m Alexi, i don’t know how to do that most of the time… unless I’m being paid. than i can be totally logical and rational. at a crossroads of ways to respond, i finally picked a road and shouted “i am NOT racist! i’m not racist! what did i do? what did i do?” it was like bad middle school theatre.

the black dude yelled to everyone in the store (including his family, which i thought was super inapro-pro) “i guess all all mother-fuckin’ ni**ers look the same! fuckin’ bullshit!” holy shit! he said the ‘n’ word. hard ‘r’ and everything. i was shocked. i couldn’t handle it. i told the shop dude goodbye and left immediately. for some reason, i still had the urge to win over this crazy dude- but i kept walking and blew off some steam at urban outfitters.

what was i feeling? a multitude of things. i realized, i live my life constantly worried that black people think i’m racist. and this day made me confront that. i suffer from reverse racism. i can walk down the street and not smile at a single white, Asian, Latino person that crosses my path, but the minute i see a black person, i feel the need to exude warmth and smile so they know that i am NOT  racist. why do i do this? I’m pretty sure it’s because my dad is 22% racist. not in an ‘i want to kill black people/ ku-klux- klan’ kinda way, just the occasional insulting joke. which to me is pretty fucking fucked up enough. i also always got the impression that he wouldn’t want me to date or marry a black dude. i had black friends growing up and he had friendships with black people and has taken amazing photos of Martin Luther king, etc. but, it was just this underlined ‘thing’ i felt was being taught and instilled in me. it didn’t stick and, instead, it made me not like my dad. which makes me sad. his behavior made me not like him. i don’t speak to my dad anymore, for a number of reasons. he made gay jokes too, just as much as he made comments about black people and cultural stereotypes.

all that aside- now, i have this whole reverse racism thing happening, and i’d like to find a happy medium and lose the guilt. once i even paid a house cleaner (who just happened to be black), even though she didn’t do a goddamn thing and I caught her sitting on my futon eating chips, watching TV when I got home. And not only did I pay her, I over tipped the shit out of her. That is an example of white guilt. how does this help ANYONE?  i am not racist. i like people. if you are nice to me and we get along, great. if we don’t, we don’t. it isn’t based on what your skin color is. I’ve been talking to a lot of my black friends (yeah i have black friends), and we’ve been discussing the struggles of racism that exist even now in 2009- and more specifically the problems that arise in this bizarro hipster culture that my target demographic exists in. after the shop encounter, one of my white friends said, “earth to Alexi, some black people just don’t like white people.” i was shocked. “what? why? how could they hate ME? what did i do?” i mean, of course i understand why black people would hate white people. i obviously understand that, which is why i feel so guilty and am so eager to please.

other things I’d like to get off my chest and get over- which stem from my being super white, is that i feel embarrassed listening to Lil Wayne in my car with the windows rolled down, because i think it just looks too retarded. but that’s a whole other post. i don’t think of Lil Wayne as ‘black music’ exclusively for black people. i listen to jazz and oldies and Motown and can have the windows down. i think the lil Wayne thing just has to do with the lifestyle he paints and how everything i look like, down to the car i drive has no place in that life style. i drive a scion, have a leggo haircut, and am so white i could be dead. me listening to gangsta rap looks ridiculous. i hope we can all agree on that. i will forever remain the white dude from office space when it comes to listening to rap. but i love Lil Wayne. he’s such a great lyricist…. and his voice makes me wanna sexxx. (to be continued)

My favorite Inglourious Basterd: OMAR DOOM!

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Ever heard of the phrase: jack of all trades, master of none? well that motto does NOT apply here! Meet Omar Doom! Jack of all trades and MASTER of all those trades! Yeah! Pow! Boom! he’s an actor, musician, painter, AND my new friend!

Omar is ALSO my FAVORITE bastard in the new Quentin Tarantino film: Inglourious Basterds’! run, don’t walk, to your local theatre cuz IT OPENS TONIGHT at midnight (and OFFICIALLY on friday). what’re you living under a rock or something?! get with the program!

ONLY see this film if you like stuff that’s great AND riveting. But if you see the movie, tell people what happens, and spoil the story- you’re dead to me! DEAD TO ME! that’s a promise! Who does that? Only ‘people hating’ people! That’s who! I WILL tell you this, Omar is AMAZERS! Not to mention- a hot fox, with beautiful lips, dark hair, and overall movie star quality/sexy vampire good looks!

trying to conduct this interview got a little difficult. first of all, the location we chose on Mulholland drive (famous for it’s beautiful view and romantic charm) was bombarded with super loud tourists! PLUS, sound wise, the wind didn’t help either! we ended up on the run from random sightseeing tour buses, in search of the perfect spot. did we ever find it? who knows, who cares- i was with OMAR! Watch as i invade his personal space while he tells me what goes on in and around his soul, what courses through his brain/veins, and if he thinks I’m pretty. you’re next Quentin. xo

PS: here’s omar’s favorite boycrazy blog post!

OMAR DOOM aka: MY FAVE INGLOURIOUS BASTERD! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the blind leading the blind part 17:

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1. relationships get sloppy and crazy. you can’t be seen by someone else when you’re single. at least NOT the way you can when you’re in a serious relationship. (by ‘seen’ i mean letting someone get close enough to you and getting to know you enough to ‘see’ all your worst traits; your weaknesses; your anger; rage; hopelessness; wants; fears; needs; insecurities; demons. the side of you only your family knows or sees. when you scream and yell and are on your worst behavior; the real you, at your worst and most raw. at your ugliest and/or most vulnerable. that’s what i mean when i say- letting someone ‘see’ you.)

being ‘seen’ is hard, but if you are with someone you love- who’s worth it- you can work through it AND it will make you STRONGER! besides, if you don’t open up and let yourself be ‘seen’ by the person you’re with now, you’re just going to have to deal with it in the next relationship you’re in.

2. i don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

3. when hanging out with a new guy you like… do your
best NOT to talk about twittering, face-booking and whatever other
social networking you may be doing lately (he does not give a fuck how
many hits your band got or who follows your twits)… and PLEASE bitch,
put the phone away … that text from Cathy about going to whole foods
later can wait if you actually enjoy spending face time with another
human being. -courtesy of Jason Dill.

4. don’t use antiperspirants. they cause cancer. just plain DEODORANT is ok though – like toms of Maine or the crystal.

5. eat watermelon! It’s fucking awesome.

6. stop saying fuck so much. Especially in public. Let’s face it, it makes you look like a sloppy derelict!

7. pumice your heels you monster! if you wanna wear flip flops, it’s just part of the deal!

8. dont you dare go to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool- when there is blood gushing out of your vagina. This isn’t ok. you yucky monster! Use your common sense. And trying to fake people out by tucking in your tampon string isn’t ok either. What if you had aids?

9. whatever you do, don’t talk on your phone while you’re driving! Not even on speaker with one hand! Eventually you will be pulled over by a copper!

10. if you DO happen to go against this advice, and you DO get pulled over: hopefully you will be wearing a sundress. Push your boobs together nonchalantly, pull your dress up a teeny tiny bit to reveal a hint of thigh, keep saying I’m sorry and that you’ve learned your lesson. Then, if all else fails, ask to interview him for your blog. It worked for me.

i said i would do this for you (PART 2)- AKA: let me break up with your boyfriend!

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So, a few weeks ago, i said i would help you.

last week i started to deliver your messages.

today i have a few more deliveries!

steven gained weight: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

for jade: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

sloppy monster: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the boys of american apparel:

well, i found another one! a hot babe who works at american apparel! except THIS one has a super kuh-razy thick moustache and abs of steel! I’m almost afraid to tell you which store he works at, because you might try to spy on him… oh all-right: THE MELROSE STORE!  his name is Nate! he kinda reminds me of this guy, in terms of where he’s at emotionally/and how he feels about dating at this point in his life..

it was love at first sight. he asked me if he could help me with anything. ANYTHING? i took one look at him and said “can i get you for my b l o g?”  he acted like he didn’t know what i was talking about, and went along with it. but later he told me he knew exactly who i was (whatever the fuck that means), what my site was all about, and that we were even face book friends. some might think  he sounds creepyly stalker-ish… but to me, it’s  my FAVORITE way of being wooed!  i think, in the end, I may have come on too strong. you be the judge. i should probably take a break from the melrose store anyways! besides,  i haven’t visited the new one in malibu yet! omg, American Apparel beach babes? i can’t wait! xo

ps: i’m looking for dov! if you’re reading this mister…. i think you should let me interview you!

a man got it done:

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Sometimes i love men. a lot of times i love men. oh fuck it, even when they’re MEAN to me- I’m STILL intrigued! I’m boycrazy remember? but here’s a specific example of something i love that men do. not all men, but a lot of men-maybe even MOST men do this: they get shit done. yes, women do too. Jesus, calm the fuck down. but the thing I’m talking about is when completing a task turns into some life or death mission that only they can solve without asking anyone for help. (it sound like I’m talking about that age old cliche of a man not wanting to ask for directions. and i guess this is a version of that, but shut the fuck up, i’m on a power rant!) it’s like they have something to prove. like they almost go kuh-razy mental over it. like they’re in a trance. fixated on the goal. it means too much to stop and not WIN! whether it’s making a girl cum, fixing a car, or building something! a man gets his mind set on something and he MUST prove that he can do it and he WON’T stop till it’s done. between you and me, I’LL probably just burst into tears and leave my baby (if and when i ever have one) on the side of the road if i get confused on how the diaper changing process works. but that’s just me. I’m sensitive, moody, and let’s face it- hard stuff is hard.

so why are men like this? I’m sure there are a lot of bad things that go hand in hand with this kind of  behavior. ego/pride/machismo/not being able to admit defeat/anger/rage, blah blah blah, i don’t give a fuck! you know why? cuz the end result is that the task at hand gets done… even if everything else is ignored and put on the back burner- like eating, sex, watching a TV show, or being paid. for example; tonight i was feeling all annoyed and aggravated “boo hoo me! my website is all topsy turvey and fucked up and jumbled! wahhhh! my banner ads are down! how are people supposed to buy stuff from American Apparel if not from my b l o g?!” when low and behold, i got an e-mail from a web guru saint here on our very own planet earth who offered his services to me! NO WAY! YES WAY!

for some reason, i felt like i could trust him… so i called! we had mutual (super cool) friends, so giving him my secret pass codes didn’t seem too wildly crazy. and for OVER an hour we stayed on the phone while he was DETERMINED to fix my site! it was better than phone sex!  he was re-installing my plug ins, and adjusting the length of my banner ads! it doesn’t get any sexier than that! did i mention he was in another state, where it was about 2 hours later? well, i just did! PLUS, he had a WAY foxy voice that kept me from getting all bored with computer talk! PLUS, he could talk AND type at the same time, like a robot alien! quite frankly, his wizardly know how/capability to get shit done was a fucking turn on!

my site is now fixed, and you know what that warrants? a mother fucking tribute post! a tribute to a man taking care of business, getting shit done, and keeping my tears from hitting the floor! this is a lesson to men in general: when you get shit done and you make a woman’s life better/ easier…. whatever! WHEN YOU ARE A FACILITATOR OF DREAMS, and she feels like a damsel in distress being RESCUED (the BEING RESCUED part is the most important! don’t just let/make her feel like a damsel in distress you jerk! what’s the matter with you?) she’ll be the happiest and most fulfilled girl you can imagine. so stop wasting your time working on your manorexia and looking for the perfect plaid shirt (even though i do advocate the wearing of a simple plaid button down) and learn something that separates you from the rest. learn how to make a woman feel like a woman.

ps: thank you philip! you’re my hero!

pps: thank you addison! thank you joe digital!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

you asked me to do this for you (part 1):

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a few weeks ago i offered my services to you. you wrote me e-mails telling me your problems and asked me to serve as a tool to help you communicate. i got so many e-mails i freaked out. it was a bit overwhelming. enough to make me change my e-mail address. but, last night , i pulled it together and answered a handful in a row. hope this helps. don’t worry, no one knows who I’m speaking to. everyone is anonymous. only the person who wrote me the e-mail knows who I’m talking to/about… and you can decide if you want to alert your friend or NOT. i love you!

it’s over, little privates/cheater! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

bad teacher from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

dick bartender: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

PART 2: mark ‘THE COBRASNAKE’ hunter speaks!

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So, HOPEFULLY,  you saw part one YESTERDAY! well, here’s part 2 assholes! I actually PREFER part 2. It gets a bit looser. we talk about boobs, dungeons and dragons, being an ass master, and we finally get to talking about MY boobs, and the anal sexxx!

He’s STILL in the hammock, but his lips are moving more. And what’s coming out of them is WAY more exciting than yesterday! I’ve seen mark around town for years, but I’ve never touched his soul or anything, until NOW! Witness the first steps into our newly blossoming friendly acquaintance! Just me and mark ‘the cobrasnake‘ hunter. L.y.l.a.s! Xoxo

mark ‘THE COBRASNAKE’ hunter (PART 1):

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So it FINALLY happened! I wrangled mark ‘the cobrasnake’ hunter to do an interview with me! He’s constantly on the go, a citizen of the world, and I finally caught him in one spot! I mean, the dude’s been near Karl Lagerfeld! That’s gotta mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE! HE doesn’t read my blog, but I think his MOM does….which is even BETTER!

Not only is he topless, but he’s laying in a hammock! a hammock! he never even got up! not once. he’s a pro. I love men with hairy chests, and mark totally qualifies. But more than his hairy-ness, I LOVE that he’s such a go-getter, dresses like Richard Simmons and doesn’t give a fuck! he’s like a cute little cuddly bear you could make out with for days and eat a bowl of cereal with! Plus I hear he’s awesome in the sack! The dude even loves his family, and sees them all the time! Yeah: the best of BOTH worlds! You’re welcome!

Watch us talk about MY boobs, anal sex, and dating! Does it get any better?! Maybe! but this shit is pretty great too! Enjoy. I love you.

ps: watch out Steve Aoki, you’re next!

the blind leading the blind (part 16) – special edition, for boys only:

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1. dudes, please bathe more. that includes washing AND conditioning your hair (and your privates- if you’re fancy and/or classy).

2. if you have dandruff, look into a specialty shampoo. selson blue or head and shoulders DOESN’T always do it. and flaky white chunks, falling from your scalp, are not sexy.

3. dudes! Wash your fucking towels! If they smell like mildew, chances are your dick is gonna smell like mildew too. I can’t tell you how many bummer blow jobs I’ve given to dudes who’s dick smelled like mildew. Oh, yeah- I actually can remember! ONE! I BROKE UP WITH HIM THE NEXT MORNING and i never saw him again; AND I’ve never let it happen again. but it haunts me like a bad dream. dudes, don’t ruin your sex life! fyi: girls talk! don’t let your reputation be annihilated just  because you don’t like doing laundry. Just don’t.

4. knowing how to give good head AND actually practicing this talent on a woman gives you so much power. the more you make her cum, the more power you have.

5. if you CAN pay for dinner AND you just STARTED dating her, pay for fucking dinner! otherwise you really have no business bringing her to a restaurant to begin with. if you invite her- you pay for her!

6. be creative with your date ideas.

7. hold the door for the girl. it’s free you scumbag.

8. walk on the side of the girl, closest to the street. she’s not a prostitute, so don’t flaunt her to drivers- by like she is! also, you’re protecting her from being splashed by cars driving through puddles.

9. don’t walk in front of a girl like she’s a dog following you. trust me, it looks bad.

10. suck on her nipples dude. just do it. and a light nip caress with your hand, WHILE you’re kissing her, wouldn’t kill you either.

11. make a lot of money and have passion and drive. this is sexy.

12. and  make her a mix CD why don’t you? if you do this at the beginning of the relationship, that’s great…. but if you surprise her six months or a year into it,  just because you can-just because you WANT to… she will freak the fuck out and drop to her knees just to thank you with a blow job. and if she DOESN’T…. you have my full permission to punch her in the face with your dick! but you’ll have to do it quick, because your erection will totally be fading! hey, i never claimed to be a role model. I’m just thinking out loud here.

update: the comment section wasn’t working for the past few days, but it is now! so, if you have anything to say….feel free! xo



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