dude of the day!!!

yes! it’s been too long! here’s today’s ‘dude of the day‘!

hello! Hi. Have you two met? Oh, no? Well allow me to introduce you to the sexiest dude in the ENTIRE world! during this interview, i was totally off my game. who am i kidding? I’m ALWAYS off my game! jk jk! i am NOT trying to promote self hating or whatevs on this site! so let’s leave the negativity at the door! wheeeee! is everyone cool with the fact that i’ve taken on the writing style of a pedophile about to murder a classroom of stuffed animals? i hope so! cuz i’m just getting started!

back to the dude at hand: I was unable to be as witty as I KNOW I could have been during the interview, so forgive me! But I hope you enjoy the video anywayzies! I love you! Xo

ps: EVERYONE! please check out my friend dallas clayton’s very important site that i’m totally in awe and proud of http://www.veryawesomeworld.com . it just might be the best thing you click on ALL day (except for my blog…maybe a close tie?) i love you!

pps: thank you sooo much to THE FADER magazine for supporting my blog and writing this amazing article in the actual magazine AND posting the same article AND my boycrazy promo on your website too! it made me the happiest girl in the world! i love you! xo

PART 2 – the things we do to keep from being alone:

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sometimes you just want to cum. but what’s better? masturbating or basically being licked/jerked off by some disconnected stranger? is it better to just be alone when you’re not looking or even wanting to be in love/a serious relationship? or is that the perfect time to mess around with someone who shares this same mentality: night time sexy rendezvous, and then focusing on work the next day? this ACTUALLY does sound possible and logical and male.

whether it’s my female emotions, or just my ego getting bruised – I’d like to not be so sensitive. i have too much work to do to dwell and make extra drama for myself- wondering if a dude i don’t even like, that i wouldn’t even want as my bf, is gonna call! a dude I’m probably only drawn to because his finger was inside of me and he smells like man? because i invested my time and energy and revealed myself to a dude, and i’m stuck on him ONLY because i don’t want to spread myself too thin revealing myself, exposing myself, making certain faces, and being naked in front of someone else? it doesn’t make any sense! it’s ego! but it is more than that too.

my very blunt and direct male platonic friend ALSO told me that just because a guy doesn’t fall in love with you or wanna marry you or be your boyfriend- doesn’t mean he can’t/doesn’t think you’re special. personally, I’m learning that I need someone to respect me, be intrigued by me, and at least meet me out in public and take me to drinks (shirley temples) before I have an epic make-out romp. I learned this the hard way- which still felt pretty good. on second thought though, i think i could handle just a physical thing. clearly this has taught you nothing except that i’m confused and working shit out. regardless, whatever you, or i end up doing- always use protection! i love you.

ps: a girl reader wrote to me and said that i should ‘fling till i fall in love’. whch i totally agree with! that’s the thing: if i know one thing, it’s that I’m totally open to love. I’m not desperate to be in a relationship. But I’m also excited about when, where, and how my next love will come to me! I’m not bitter or jaded! Xo

the things we do to keep from being alone:

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one of the worst things when you give your body to someone, is when they are looking right at you- and you know they can’t see you. you want to be touched, you think you’ll be special to them, you like kissing, and hugging, and licking, and fucking too- but you’re with someone who is only there with their body and has no capability of ever loving you, being genuinely interested in you, caring about you, or thinking about you when he’s alone. except when they get drunk or lonely enough to text you and put their attention on you. the tricky thing is: woman like sex too. and we are able to separate it from being emotional too. at least i think we can.

even though I’m not looking for anything serious now, I still like thinking that if I have a romantic rendezvous with a guy- there’s a chance he might fall in love with me. Even if I’m not that into him. even if I’m seeing more than one person.  That must be my ego. A close guy friend of mine told me that’s the equivalent of a guy wanting a girl to be faithful to him, even if he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.

After a breakup, when you end up in bed fooling around with a guy who will clearly never and is incapable of loving you- and merely a warm body-  the sting of how different the experience is compared to how it was with your ex who loved you, is very strong. it’s a jolt. but not everyone is gonna love you. just like you don’t love everyone. that is an ego trip. and it’s ok to have chemistry and sexy redezvous’ until you meet the next magical dude.

so, you have to make decisions: are you OK with this? can you avoid crying the next day because you feel empty and alone and used (even though you put yourself in the sexxxy situation and had fun and got off -cuz remember -girls like sexxx too)? can you be logical? can you avoid building a 10 pound layer of fat to protect you after having shared your body with an empty vessel/random dude? if you can, that’s great. I thought I could. I don’t know if I can. I’m still finding out. i bet I’ll even be the empty, cold one sometimes too- the role could change from rendezvous to rendezvous, tawdry affair to tawdry affair. although, I’m sure a loving, upbeat, non empty feeling sexual agreement/arrangement/experience/exchange is possible too. so many choices and different ways to look at things. crazers! (TO BE CONTINUED)

the blind leading the blind (part 20):

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1. a guy who loves you doesn’t cum on your face- especially if he hasn’t met your parents!

2. making out is like medicine- and sometimes, it’s like a free micro-dermabrasion!

3. don’t move your lips while you text.

4. every time you break up-it’s like you’re a virgin all over again, and who you lose your virginity too is very important. So choose wisely!

5. don’t buy four packs of condoms at rite aide on sunset and Fairfax, in all different sizes, then make eye contact and smile at random dudes in line. it’s off-putting.

6. don’t put lip gloss on in public. It makes you look desperate and insecure. I say this because I am constantly putting lip gloss on in public and men have told me that I appear super desperate and insecure.

7. blue-tooth + you = unfuckable and wrong.

8. ‘once you go black, you never go back’ is not just a catchy phrase.

9. nine shallow, one deep. figure it out dudes.

10. clean out your fucking closet you trash hording filth monger! and i mean that in the NICEST way!

reminder for the girls:

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i don’t know about you girls- but i wanna live a VERY full life, have lots of sex, make a lot of money (so i’m never at anyone elses whim), be happy, make a positive contribution to the world, surround myself with people i love and respect; who love and respect me- people who make me laugh/inspire me, and have friendships that are MUTUALLY rewarding emotionally! i want a boyfriend who makes me feel safe, encourages me in everything i do, is my best friend/sidekick, super sexy, and great in bed. no routines!

it’s important not to be boring, taken for granted, thought of as ‘old news’ or dull, clingy, un-fun, etc! it’s fucking hard as fuck to be a girl. now, then, and since forever! we buy creams, deal with the rationale that men age better than women and that women fall apart as the years go by…. we have to be beautiful 24/7, successful career-wise, bear/take care of the kids. we do it all.

something has shifted recently and women are turning into men! which is great. but it’s confusing. monogamy is hard… for WOMEN too! and after seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’, i’m compelled to reassess what i want in life- in a career AND from a man. i never really wanted to get married or have kids because i feel like there are too many other things to do……. and that marriage and kids are things i’ve been brainwashed into thinking i HAVE to do or HAVE to want. but for the same reason that compels me to try everything… i want to know what it feels like to make (well, i know HOW to MAKE a baby) i want to FEEL what it’s like to HAVE a baby….someday…but definitely not now! i’m still not sure about the marriage thing. to me, i feel like it’s the future… and there are no rules anymore. we live in a pick and choose era of what works on a case by case basis.

the idea of having a child NOW scares the shit out of me. the one time i let a guy cum in the condom while he was inside of me, it broke and i couldn’t have run faster to get the morning after pill. that was the first time i’ve ever taken it… and the last. it didn’t feel good emotionally. i kept waiting to feel sick, but i didn’t really….maybe a little synthetic and sluggish. but it’s poison. and i never want to be in that situation again.

the point is, we have so many choices and options as women. maybe even MORE than men. THEY can’t carry a child. just know how special you are and how many options you have. don’t take that for granted or be taken for granted…. ever.


tonight:

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UPDATE: Thursday night (tonight), i’ll be on killradio.org from 9-11pm -

hanging out with Shelby and Courtney of Drinkingwiththem.blogspot.com.

call in and say hello/ask questions/whatevs!

The number to the studio is 213.252.0998.

holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!

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Holy shit! I’m fucked! Why didn’t anyone tell me being single was a fucking war game, 24/7 battle alert! or did i just forget?! I already hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks before my breakup! Now it’s been about 3 weeks or MORE!

Boys are calling, but not only am I NOT ready emotionally to get slutty/i mean sexy/i mean intimate with someone- I’m totally not ready physically! I should really tone up my legs, shed 10 pounds, wax my vadge appropriately, and make sure my apartment is tidy at all times- swiffered and all. that means scrub tub, make sure there’s no hair in hairbrush- while it’s on display, and turn dream boards around – so some new/random dude i invite into my home doesn’t learn that one of my life goals is to become the white oprah, etc! PLUS: no picking at ingrown hairs on my bikini line!!! but I think I did that to make sure i wouldn’t get in a situation where I would allow myself to take my undies off. I don’t have herpes (YET) and I wouldn’t want people to think I do – all because they spot a blemish that I created, while playing doctor/hair removal specialist on myself!

-more single life reminders-

•Go to gym/start running- FAST

•Get a bathroom trash can that hides your yucky trash, not one that just sits there revealing weird stuff that, even if it’s not weird, could be misinterpreted. for example: if you blot your lipstick on a tissue, and throw it in the garbage, a guy could glance over and think the tissue is a bloody rag! think ladies, think! this is war! i mean, love! i mean, i don’t know what it is, but it’s time to start thinking!

•Get new car.

•Get new date outfits.

•Get maid to clean your house PROPERLY.

•ALWAYS wear a cute bra and undies!

•Buy condoms in all different shapes and sizes- cuz you never know when you’re gonna meet a guy with the biggest privates you’ve ever seen! and you can’t rely on a dude having condoms! so annoying! be prepared! cuz we girls love sex too! riiiight!

PS: if you’re ever forced to get ready at 1am to meet some dude at his hotel, and you look like shit- here’s a ‘how to’ guide for getting ready in a flash! xo

stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

the blind leading the blind (part 19):

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1. tweezers, your face, and time to kill- don’t mix. they CAN mix. but they SHOULDN’T mix.

2. if you don’t tell him that you had a sex dream about him, you’ll never know if he had a sex dream about you!

3. if YOU say ‘I hate gyms’ to a guy you meet at the gym and HE says ‘how can you hate gyms, you’re here aren’t you?’ Just say ‘I hate condoms too, but just like they HAVE to be worn, I HAVE to go to the gym. It just sux! That’s all.’

4. don’t touch newspapers. they make your fingertips super yuck and WAY dirty. have someone read the news to you (maybe the same person who buys you your toilet paper), or look over their shoulder.

5. it’s not cool to be a scumbag.

6. the word is ‘unkempt’, not unkept. the other day someone corrected me when I used the word unkempt- referring to messy hair. that’s when I knew, the state of the world is fucked- just a little bit.

7. it’s espresso, not ex-presso!

8. it’s called ‘portion control’. look into it fat head!

9. NEVER do something you don’t want to do. If you get asked to do some kind of lame favor/job/task/project to help someone out and you make the mistake of saying yes- it would be better to cancel at the last minute, than go through with it at all.

10. if you hang your foot over the edge of your bed while you’re sleeping, a monster that lives under your bed will TOTALLY grab your foot and rip it off. Be careful!

a good cause:

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hey you guys! please check this out: www.bobbieroundstheworld.com

It’s  my friend emily and she’s trying to do something totally rad! She’s sailing around the world- alone- helping people around the world by giving them school supplies and eye glasses! she only has a couple of days left to raise the money for her trip, so if you think what she’s doing cool- you should go to her website and give her a dollar or a thousand dollars. xo

ps: here’s an animated short from my friend Logan Christopher-

you lied to me:

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dear forever 21,

what happened dude? I thought we had a deal. you’re supposed to manufacture great designer knock offs with a good fit, at way affordable prices! That was our little secret! We had a pact. It was deep for me!  i THOUGHT it was deep for you too! I believed in us! I would have loved you forever! but there is nothing inside you anymore! Everything inside you looks cheap, flimsy, redundant, and not at all modern. vulgar even! At first glance you look perfect, overflowing with possibility and hope! but it’s just a facade. i just wanted you to make me feel beautiful! like a woman wrapped up in a bow, empowered and ready to face the world! supported by the confidence you give me when you wrap yourself around my body! but I have no interest in anything you have to offer! How can you harbor sooo many clothes, yet nothing fits me right and I don’t want any of it? you really let us down. But like a sucker who’s tasted the magical fruit of our love in the beginning, you and I both know I’ll be back for more- if only just to check in, see how you are, if you’ve changed, and if I’m sill interested. Xo



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