you saw the commercial on Monday. well, the time has come! an actual interview with a man dude who has some serious life experience. this is karl, mark ‘the cobrasnake’ hunter’s grandpa! maybe this interview will help shape up the lazy mongrels that are walking around town claiming to be men! Karl is a man who’s been through long term relationships, is still with a woman he met 29 years ago, and has survived the holocaust. for real. this is Karl. an amazing man i was lucky enough to hang out and have a chat with. enjoy!
1. when you’re at a concert and you’re worried cuz your friend is acting weird and you think she’s mad at you cuz she’s being passive aggressive- THEN the show starts and you get all in your head wondering if people are watching you tapping to the beat with your heel/foot and thinking it looks dumb, or you are way too conscious about your facial expressions as you listen to the music, cuz you think people are judging you and ultimately making fun of you: just remember that you and everyone in that room is gonna die. So get the fuck over it and smile…. while you can.
2. it’s important to listen to the Beatles.
3. “I’m just not that into ‘it” ” is the alternate version of “he’s just not that into you” – for today’s woman.
4. if a tree falls in the forest, it totally makes a sound.
5. maybe don’t tell someone how many times you’ve seen them in public. If you’ve seen them and remember every detail- but they never saw or noticed you- that could be a bad sign.
6. you can’t go wrong giving a girl a classic lambskin Chanel purse with gold hardware.
7. in a perfect world, you’d only be having sex with guys who, if they accidentally got you pregnant, you might not even consider having an abortion. Stay in school though kids.
8. don’t spoil movies for people you jerk! what are you a sadist?
9. claiming dibs on a guy is not allowed. If you aren’t dating him/never dated him- he’s up for grabs. People don’t own people.
10. however, you are not allowed to date your best friends serious ex boyfriend. if you feel very strongly about it though, you have to take your friend out to dinner and ask her for permission. there are no rules, jut try to treat people the way you’d like to be treated. and chemistry is chemistry, so work it out so everyone can be happy and remain friends!
Get ready! later this week, i’ll be debuting an epic, in depth interview with mark the cobrasnake’s grandpa: Karl! until then, here’s a sneak peak. hear an experienced man BREAK IT DOWN on dating and how a woman should be treated! you’re welcome! xo
a boy who reads my blog wrote this:
“my friend texted me to tell me that miss Ashley had killed herself last night. she never seemed like the type to do it. i was shocked, saddened, and honestly felt bad. we met at the royal oaks one night when i was already drunk. she tended bar there and her shift just ended, so she decided to stick around for a drink. she told me we had met before at the nyabinghi and made out in the bathroom and how great it was. great that i was bold enough to just ask her if she wanted to and great that i delivered on it. i must have been too drunk to remember that. i went along with it. i said of course i remember then excused myself to the bathroom and asked Matt who she was. “Ashley. from nyabinghi. miss Ashley” when i came back she said how great that would be to happen again. just not giving a drunk fuck, i grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into me in the middle of the bar. she was flushed.
we sat down and talked about what we had just done and then went to my car. we made out for almost 45 minutes and the bar had closed and matt was tapping on my window. she pulled her skirt back down, put her jacket on, and got out. we exchanged numbers, kissed, got in our cars and left. the next few winter months were spent at her house. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we’d go out and take turns buying each other dinner, showing each other our secret spots; i took her to golden hunan for black pepper beef, she took me to amen corner for Friday fish, etc… we sat under blankets and watched Rosanne, while i did my homework. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we fucked while listening to old hardcore records and sometimes i’d put on sonic youth. i always said i knew the band and loved them, even when i didn’t know who they were. we drank beers and talked about underground hip hop. what did happen to def jux and the next men?
before working at the royal oaks, she was a dancer at one of those classy strip clubs. that’s all anyone knew about her and i could feel it when we went out. i didn’t hold her hand at cedars. she was hurt and asked why and i couldn’t tell her “because you’re a stripper”. she got fired from the oaks and had to start dancing again. i stopped seeing her and the whole thing faded away. i didn’t want to be known as dating a stripper. I’m such a shallow asshole. i wasn’t in love, but it’s not like i didn’t have feelings.
even a few months later, when i felt so low, she came and sat in the dark and listened to nirvana with me to comfort me. we both sang along to drain you. even after i started dating another girl, i dreaded running into her because the sex was so good. it’s almost a year from when i started seeing her and i don’t feel good about any of it still. she had another boy after me, sure, i had girls. i know it’s no ones fault. i can associate with hopelessness. everyone can. i can’t associate with suicide. i hope no one can. I’m sorry.”
one of the most horrible things about getting out of a relationship is being at a party and not having your eye on anyone as a potential make-out or sexy rendezvous. it is in that moment you realize ‘i am truly alone’. sure, you can rationalize it in different ways like ‘you’re never really alone when you have your friends around’ or ‘you’re not alone if you’re in close proximity to other human beings who are making direct eye contact and speaking with you’. or, ‘like hey, what if i was at this party alone cuz my bf was out of town or something?’ well, he’s not. you’re single! who knows where your bf is? cuz you don’t have one and your ex is probably fucking a 17 year old boy, i mean girl, somewhere.
you are alone in the sense that- you have no one who is one phone call away- willing/able/actually excited/maybe even generally interested in listening to all your boring, i mean personal, stories/woes/rants/daily sagas. you have no one to check in with. your mom and bff don’t count. i mean they do, but that’s not what i’m talking about.
tonight i went to a party and i was excited. that’s the great thing about being single- you never know what’s gonna happen or who you’re gonna meet. (that’s ACTUALLY the great thing about life in general. you just ‘never know’- good OR bad!) but you also have to prepare for it to be a bust too! and tonight, romantically speaking- it was. BUT i met great women and was comfortable in my skin and all that. i had a nice time. i did. for the first time, i didn’t make the night a winning situation ONLY if i put my attention on some cute guy and conquered him for the evening. whether conquering means making out/sexxing/gaining approval via attention/ or whatevs! no guy there ‘did it’ for me, and that was actually ok.
i still haven’t had sex since my break up. when was that again? about a month and a half ago? i hadn’t had sex two weeks prior to the break up either! shit, so it’s been like two months!? holy shit! i’m dying over here! i am a living, breathing example of how women need/want/crave sex too! I’m not saying I’ve been an angel. I’ve totally done everything but have sexxx- but being finger blasted and oral sexxx is just not the same.
I’ve changed since the ‘me’ before my last relationship. i don’t want to get naked with some random dude. (ok, maybe a few) I’m a girl who’s not super ugly. I’m not gonna lie- I’ve had opportunities. it could have already happened- but i feel like I’m a virgin all over again and I’m waiting for the PERFECT person to take my new-found virginity. i also REALLY don’t want to get herpes aids cancer aids.
more and more i need the guy i have sex with or even fool around with to be someone i can talk to; i have to actually give a fuck what he has to say; i need him to be/seem GENUINLY interested in me; and who is someone i can be/feel safe with. even if he isn’t the one- i need someone to know/think I’m special. someone who gets me- before he can be inside me. what’s that saying? a friend with benefits? (ugh. i can’t believe i just typed that.) and i’m learning that THAT is rare to find. so, until then, i will keep busy with work, spend time with my friends, and touch my privates all on my own. and at least when i finger blast myself, i’ll have the courtesy to wash my hands first!
thank you street carnage (short for: street boners and tv carnage) for being super supportive and featuring me and my short films on your site! your readers are brutal- which is forcing me to build a tough skin – something long over due! i love you Gavin and Arvind!
this guy is serious! dead serious! serious about the hot new look he’s sporting! fresh haircut (check), mini hoop earring (check), huge brain with a plan for world domination (check,check,check!)
Who is he? What’s his story? Who cares?! the dude’s got a bangin’ new haircut and doesn’t give a fizz-uck! He reminds me of someone, but who? oh yeah: THE MAYOR OF EXCITEMENT CITY- that’s who! Pow!
He can’t even be bothered to look at the god damn camera! And notice how the photo is a bit dark? probably cuz the guy taking the pic is grumpy he didn’t get that bangin’ new ‘do’ first! Goddamnit!
His friends are so in awe, they’re his personal backdrop providers 24/7! What’s he gonna do later? Probably anything and everything! Is he married? Don’t worry about it! Will he make out with you in a dark corner and let you pet his new hair? Shut your mouth! Probably not, but a girl can dream!
He’s got a new lease on life, this guy…. And I’m just happy I got to sit across from him and experience the vibe . Lock up your daughters- assholes! not because this dude babe is dangerous- but because they’re probably too old and yuck for him N E wayz! You’re welcome! I love you. xo
1. important people drink diet coke! BUT drinking diet coke will not make you important.
2. try to reserve your inane, boring, self indulgent phone conversations to the privacy of your own home. And if your windows are open- close them asshole! People can hear you! And the secret is: they don’t want to! your voice is noise.
3. watch a guy masturbate to know how he likes to be touched and ‘taken care of’.
4. guys AND girls: do NOT crack your knuckles in front of someone you want to make out with or sexxx! It’s not enticing in any way/shape/or form.
5. yes, i know the blinking red light on your blackberry has somehow turned into the most exciting thing in your life! It could be anyone or anything! But don’t let everyone around you know how exciting this is for you.
6. Windex your bathroom mirror you dirty bitch! the puss, from the zits you pop when you’re all alone, that sprays on the mirror – will TOTALLY give you away every time!
7. if I were sinead o’connor- i would make a come back by growing out my hair, performing a song on Saturday night live, while holding up a picture of the pope- and then NOT tear it up.
8. when someone walks by in a skirt that’s way too short, it’s like watching ice skating- you have to stare cuz you’re waiting for the skater to fall/skirt to blow up and vadge or bum to be exposed!
9. when buying a blank autograph book at the Disneyland gift store- you aren’t supposed to use it to practice signing your own autograph. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It could be way embarrassing.
10. keep your legs closed to married men! (courtesy of NeNe from real housewives of Atlanta)
this is sonny! sonny and i clearly started out on the wrong foot! we met at a super casual/yet uuber chic dinner party – where he was instantly snarky with me! with every question i asked him, i got an answer that in no way resembled the truth. but, being the people pleaser that i am – riddled with daddy issues and a severe NEED to be liked (THANK GOD) i went out of my way to match his bravado, and yell at him until he had no choice but to love me AND my b l o g (or at least agree to MAYBE read it one day)!
now, not only do i think the dude’s great, but i’m an even BIGGER fan of his super awesome girlfriend! they might just be the best couple ever! pow! bam! boom! check out sonny’s crazy amazers (that’s my personal slang for ‘rad’) show at space 1520 UP NOW! don’t be a retarded monster and miss it! it could be the perfect outing for a date! i love you!