(continued from the last post) he looked like Richard Gere circa American Gigolo! he was taller than me. he looked smart, clean! his outfit was simple: a jacket over a light grey sweater and jeans. i said hello and hugged him. he was cute! but before we could even start talking, some girl i hadn’t seen in forever came out of nowhere! ‘heeeey alexi..’ and would not shut the fuck up! i told her he (fb dude) had just flown in from NY and that i hadn’t seen him in forever (that was ALMOST the truth- minus the ‘for’ in forever. i couldn’t exactly say i was on a first date with a guy I’d never met before who had trolled me on the interweb and sent me a picture of his privates. actually, that seems like something i WOULD say. but hindsight is 20/20, and i can’t go back in time now!), i mentioned to the annoying monster vadge blocker- that i was starving, being rude to my date, had to go, should cut the conversation short, even feigning that i might possibly faint from hunger/low blood sugar, that my stomach was now eating itself, and that i was on the verge of suicide. but she just kept talking about herself. was she for real? what a monster! she’s worse than me! at least i know when to fucking make my exit. but tall, handsome ‘fb dude’ seemed so calm; just standing there, listening to this annoying jerk go on and on! i was borderline annoyed by his patience. didn’t everyone know i was in make-out mode! i wanted to get it started! i wanted to look at him and give him a proper ‘hello’ hug! one that wouldn’t be interrupted! she was ruining EVERYTHING! finally, she shut the fuck up, and we said our goodbyes. phew!
the truth was, i wasn’t even hungry, i had eaten a lean cuisine before i got there. i didn’t want to take the chance of being low blood sugar and not at my best to charm him. plus, i wasn’t ready to be eating in front of the dude. this was a COFFEE date! i ordered a soy latte (they were out of rice milk. sad face.) he paid. already, this was going sooo great! he laughed and had money ready before i could even reach for my wallet. he said ‘i got it, i got it! of course. i know what you like.’ or something along those lines. this was lovely! i was beaming! yeah, I’m that easy! all it takes is paying for my coffee. that’s not exactly true, he was also taller than me and a babe REMEMBER! woo hoo! i hoped he didn’t think i was ugly. i told him he was handsome and all he said was thank you. wtf? instead of internalizing that, and keeping my self conscious thoughts to myself like a semi sane person, i said ‘listen, I’m not fishing for compliments but i just said you were handsome, like, twice! and all you said was thank you. does that mean you think I’m a horrible monster?’ he just remained calm, collected, and said something like: I’m not gonna compliment you just because you tell me to. i’ll compliment you when i compliment you. to me this was harsh, but it also made sense, and i just needed to chill the fuck out and remember who i was. i am not a monster. i am not a monster. he obviously thinks I’m cute, he’s here. and i don’t need to put all my self worth into this guys hands. i was really nervous. i was spazzing out. i hoped the encounter was still cute, funny, and charming- not him witnessing me having a crazy meltdown!
he ate a cookie. i sat there watching him; bits of cookie flying everywhere as he spoke- like the cookie monster. i mentioned it. i needed anything to use for conversation. plus, i felt the need to give him shit. as if he responded well to being fucked with/made fun of. god, i really needed to have sex. we had both put in our time, via facebook and telephone. we were each-others sexual investment. and these two days would be a mutual withdrawal. that was possibly the dumbest sentence i have ever written in my entire life. i just want you to know that i know that! i was so glad he was a babe, with nice hands, and skin. it may have been glowing even! i asked to inspect his right hand. i don’t know if it was because my mom recently told me about how she’s attracted to a man with nice hands- and i was subconsciously affected- but holding his hand in mine, i thought it was beautiful. big, soft, and delicate- but not manicured, which is great.. cuz he’s a dude! geeze, when did this blog turn into some supermarket romance novel? today mutha-fuckahs!
i liked his skin, how it felt. our conversation didn’t really make any sense. i didn’t know what i wanted to say, ask him, or if we even had anything in common other than fb. i was like an item on his ‘to do’ list or something: have sex with the la based boycrazy blogger. we exchanged discombobulated banter. we were all over the place. i always feel like the pressure’s on me though. like if something’s going badly, I’m the one being judged. but i mainly think this when the guy is really cute. i think i was in shock. you know that weird feeling when someone is actually real and in front of you?! he wasn’t a voice over a phone line, or words on a computer screen anymore. the dude was real and sitting right in front of me! i couldn’t process this fast enough. i was sarcastic and trying to seem calm- while simultaniously telling him i was freaking out and how weird this all was for me. i have no filter. i wear my feelings/heart/thoughts on my sleeve and in my facial expressions. i say everything I’m thinking, even when i shouldn’t. i gave him shit about the dick pic thing. asking if he was embarrassed. he pretended to be regretful, but i knew he was faking. i knew he didn’t give a fuck about having sent it. i hoped my hand didn’t shake while i took a sip of my latte. this was all so random! this whole experience. i should have taken a beta blocker or something to calm my nerves, but that would have bit a bit extremo!
he went to the mens room to powder his nose, and while he was gone- i checked my phone/texted my best girlfriend about my date and that i was crazy nervous (fyi- i only checked my phone when he couldn’t see me. texting in front of a date is totally rude! the lowest of the low. a deal breaker.) i noticed i had received a text as well. it was from another sexy dude from NYC who was visiting la, and in town that night only. Jesus, when it rains it pours. well, i might be boycrazy, but i don’t double book. i’m a lady! plus, the dude i was on a date with was way too cute to cut the date short/try to squeeze in ANOTHER date. no thank you. i’ve done that once in my life, years ago, and it’s way too hectic. i also think it de-values the experience of each individual date. we all need time to reflect and decompress after a date/romantical adventure. i turned my phone off and put it away. fb dude came back.
it was freezing out, but i knew we had to get out of there. we were too still. sitting there. stagnant. in front of eachother. we needed to get this show on the road. i wanted to walk with him, so we got up and walked around the block. my make out ploy! it was freezing out! i was in a sweater AND jacket, and i was still cold. i linked arms with him and looked down at my feet and back up at him as we walked. i loved that he was taller than me. we walked around to the back parking lot and stood by my car. yikes, we were gonna kiss… but it didn’t even seem romantic yet. he seemed so whatevs about me. was he even nervous? i wonder how i seemed. on the surface we were acting like kids, picking on eachother- but the subtext was: ‘we’re gonna sexxxy time! we’ve been waiting a while for this! today is the day! wheee! ahhh! omg- squared (x) infinity!’
i looked up at him and touched his hair. i was close to him now and ready/wanted to kiss him. i think i even asked if i could. did i? he kissed me. we leaned against my car, then moved the make-out into my car. great! all i needed was for all the busboys and cashiers at m cafe to watch me have a torrid make-out in my car. i didn’t really care about the pinkberry staff that shared the parking lot as well. they played absolutely no part in my life. making out, i finally felt calm. what does that say about me? (slut whore? shut your mouth! i just like to kiss. it’s quiet and calming!) we kept up the ‘slightly uncomfortable/clunky, make-out in a car’ vibe for as long as we could before one of us said: ‘what are we gonna do?’ so, we drove to his hotel and i valeted my car.
the drive to the hotel/break between the makeout portion of the date threw me off, i was on the verge of getting nervous again. we went upstairs. he made jokes about his room not being on a high enough floor for me. we were such bullshit banter buddies. we must have so much to prove. he kissed me again. now we were laying in his hotel bed. it was amazers, fun, exciting, a bit awkward. what was he thinking during his moments of silence? something? anything? he held me. i tried to match his silence- but then i burst out and yelled: ‘do you know how hard it is for me NOT to speak!’
fooling around, it got to that point where you either have to stop or have sex. i told him ‘i’m not going to have sex with you tonight.’ he asked why. ‘because, i want to see you tomorrow’ i said. he told me: ‘i’d still see you tomorrow if we had sex tonight.’ i smiled, and didn’t say what i was thinking, which was: ‘yes, but, i wouldn’t want to see YOU if we had sex tonight.’ we continued to make out, cuddle, and spoon. he reached for his phone. i couldn’t believe it! i told him that if he actually texted someone during our make-out rendezvous, i would freak the fuck out. so rude! he looked at me, both of us topless, and said ‘i have to tell you something. don’t be mad! i promise, it’s not about an std or another girl, or anything like that.’ i was panicked. he was scaring me! he was looking for something on his phone! wtf? he handed me his phone and i sat up to look at whatever it was that he was tyring to show me. e-mails on his blackberry? huh? it was an email from me? so what? I’d emailed him before. wait, when was this email sent? not that long ago. but i hadn’t emailed ‘fb dude’ recently. and it was addressed to….holy shit… it was my email exchange with ‘the faceless blogger’! ‘fb dude’ WAS the faceless blogger! they were the same person! I’d been had!
he looked at me with concern. he seemed worried. omg, i couldn’t believe this! i had no idea! now, I’m sure you guys all saw this coming from a mile away, in my set up of this story- but i didn’t, cuz i was living it. this was like ‘you’ve got mail’ or something! and i was meg ryan and he was tom hanks! i wasn’t mad at all. did i feel tricked? no! i thought it was cool and romantic and crazy! i didn’t care. this only made the story better. epic even! for the first time during this entire date sesh…. i was happy, and i liked him. this was officially exciting. this was noteworthy. it added to the story of my life!
i had to leave. i said i had to wake up early… even though i didn’t. my face was a post make-out red/worn off makeup disaster! ‘don’t look at me!’ was the mantra that echoed in my head. i hate how other people can be used as mirrors. all my ‘crazy’ comes up when another person is in front of me to reflect how i feel about myself. forcing me to look at myself/hear all the annoying voices in my head: self consciousness and a fear of being judged. but this always happens when i think a boy is cute and we’ve just met. it’s worse when I’m totally calm and feel nothing. that means the dude will never see my boobs. (well, he’ll probably never see my boobs.) I’m sure there’s a happy medium out there, for someone! even if i never attain it! anywayzies. i told him to pay for my valet, because it’s the right thing to do, and he did. we kissed while waiting for my car to be brought around. he made sure to tell me that he was giving me a pda (public display of affection)! wow, thanks a lot dude, i should be sooo grateful! he wanted me to take him to his company’s party that he had blown off to be with me (i think he made the right choice)! i dropped him off, hoping he would keep our night sacred and not troll for other girls/makeout/etc. at least i wasn’t waiving my other nyc potential date in front of HIM! but, i don’t own the dude, and i’d have gone back to meet up with my friends too? yeah, i would, since it was a work party AND i was in from outta town. we’d had a fun night. this didn’t have to negate that. he told me he wanted to see me the next day, go to dinner. i said ok. we kissed goodbye, and he got out of my car.
i sped home! what just happened? i texted the other nyc dude and said: sorry, i was with a friend. maybe another time. (i didn’t appreciate the short notice anywayzies). when i got home. i could not sleep! i went to fb dude/the faceless blogger’s website and read every single entry. i read about his awkward dates, coming onto girls, coming of age stories, the dichotomy of what guys/he wants in a girl/love, mens perception of the differences between 19 year old girls and 31 year old girls. and instead of being jealous, angry, or thinking he was a misogynist asshole, who was confused and immature- i appreciated his honesty! plus, i liked his writing. i liked that he was honest about being girl-crazy, needing to experience single-ness to the max-/get it out of his system, had feelings, was sentimental, was emotional, needed to be loved by everyone (while at the same time, not loving in return or wanting to commit at all), and admitted it! he was obviously self aware and searching! searching for what matters, what’s real, and what he wants as far as love, sex, fucking, and relationships are concerned. and that’s ok. and yes, the dude reminded me of ME!
he clearly liked girls with dark hair and pale skin, check. i saw something in him. i saw myself in him. he was shallow, emotional, looking to be loved, harsh, insecure, and also very masculine/macho, needed tons of validation, out to bang chicks, but live in a romantic comedy and get married one day. i hoped he wasn’t too mean. i saw his blatant ageism and harsh judgemental side. but, i knew that all his observatons/weighing the pros and cons and dissecting women- would all go out the window the minute he fell in love (i’m not saying with me, but with whoever). cuz being hit over the head with love outweighs all the ‘logic/listmaking/picture perfect alone’ criteria. it’s an invisible bubble that hovers over the two people in love. it can’t be explained. youth, beauty, and lots of options are awesome! but that combined with finding someone you can talk to, who inspires you, that you love, who loves YOU, and makes you laugh- is the dream. someone that you feel cozy with.
but everyone can feel all these different things all at once. maybe not all the time, but some times. they just don’t talk about it. i have a million different opinions in one day. i stare at young sexy boys i wanna make-out with, and the minute they open their mouth, i wanna run. sometimes i make-out with them first and then run. i think about how i don’t want to be tied down and how much i love being single, but the minute it gets cold out, i want a boy who ‘gets’ me/knows me/loves me- to cuddle with. (i should invent a delivery service- but i think that would make me a madam.) the point is: everyone can be a complete contradiction. we’re all just figuring it out. hopefully not hurting anyone’s feelings along the way.
reading his site made me think about how people might percieve me. just because i have this ‘boycrazy’ blog doesn’t mean i’m some skanky skag, who fucks every dude she meets (just SOME of them- the cutest and/or the coolest, i swear!). i’m not incapable of love. not at all! i’m actually very sensitive and in some ways might be more of a hopeless romantic than MOST because i’ve made it my job to put a microscope on people/boys & girls; asking them about love, dating, sex, relationships, social dynamics, turn ons, turn offs, hopes, dreams, ideals, etc. writing about it all and analyzing all my thoughts and feeling while I search for what/who makes me happy!
i saw myself in ‘fb dude/the faceless bloggger’. i could relate to him! now my mind was reeling! thank god! this was way more of a turn on than good looks alone. suddenly i had a million things i wanted to ask/say to him- nothing like when i was sitting in front of him only hours earlier at the cafe! i couldn’t wait to see him! i hoped i would remember everything in my brain! i wasn’t sure if i should tell him i read EVERY entry of HIS blog, but i’d wait and see how i felt. i took a bath, got into bed, and went to sleep….. happily awaiting our second date! (to be continued)