if you’re not rich,famous, or goodlooking- you need a gimmick:


let’s cut the bullshit dude’s, if you’re not rich famous or good looking, you’re gonna need a god damn gimmick! no girl wants to fuck an ugly, poor, loser, with no drive or hope of a promising future! add a LACK of personality, sense of humor, money, style, charm, flair, social savvy, or quick wit to the list and you are one sorry/sad sack of shit- with definite potential to induce a clit-hard off . get it together motherfuckers! you’re gonna have to think fast, and that’s just what I’m here for. to help you get pussy. or at least to prevent the girls, who accidentally DO fuck you, from regretting it the next day/re-thinking their sexuality and maybe even their choice to go on living!

get a job you lazy, coach surfing, entitled, oaf!  and rework your wardrobe while you’re at it! throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing. but you can mask this UGLY, WRONG, UNEDUCATED side of yourself, by following my advice. how about, for starters, you develop a skill? something you’re good at. think outside the box. try to MATTER. fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone. try, just try, to make a contribution- instead of being a waste of space with a severe pot, cocaine, or nitrus addiction. just putting that out there. do with it what you will.

i assume there is a certain kind of girl you like, and that’s why you’re here. i cater/speak to a certain demographic…i think. prove me wrong. I’m interested in knowing who is even reading this thing. so if you like girls named zoey and Chloe, sexy offbeat beauties, or just all gorgeous, smart, successful, stylish women of the world….they expect a lot. they don’t have to settle for a loser in dockers, sketchers, faded goodwill polo shirts, or flap pocket jeans with embroidery- TO SAY THE LEAST!  if you want the TOP NOTCH pussy, you better work to your manly potential! i bet you could even go to target RIGHT NOW and throw a super cool outfit together for way less than going to apc or topman. i dare you! here’s the secret. dress like a gay dude, who happens to only like to eat pussy. have/develop a personality, ask questions, have a job that pays you and that you actually LIKE doing. the trick is to appear effortless, despite all the effort.

learn to be great at giving head, going down on a girl, eating pussy, sucking on vagina (don’t JUST/ONLY ‘suck’- it was a phrase, not the directions.) i once broke up with a guy cuz he never even offered to go down on me. i never even gave him the chance to be grossed out by me! if you are fucking/making love with a girl, YOU MUST OFFER TO LICK HER PRIVATES EVERY TIME! EVERY SESH! your goal should be to make her cum! over and over. not only will your stock soar with the girl in question, your word of mouth will be to die for! you have soooo much power when you are good at sucking pussy AND ACTUALLY GETTING THE GIRL TO ORGASM! that last part is the most important. don’t let her fake it. because we do. sometimes us girls feel bad for you cuz you aren’t finding out spot/clit, or guilty because it’s taking too long for us to cum- and we’re worried you’re getting bored (but that’s a lesson to the ladies too. don’t let him stop till you’re done bitches! and tactfully and gently teach him/show him what you need), or embarrassed cuz we think we might be yucky down there for whatever reason (which is why girlies should ALWAYS carry baby wipes). SO, being the sexy, manly, Casanova i am teaching you to be, tell the girl (in a sexy straightforward man voice that is confident and experienced (even if you’re not) that you get off when she gets off and that you won’t stop till she cums at least a few times!

as for the clothing situation, you’re gonna need a few staples. and a few new stores to start shopping at. black leather bomber jacket. white sneakers. even creme colored low top OR high top converse are ok. if i were you, i would get a simple pair of white sneaker at topman or urban outfitters- there’s only one topman in nyc or the ones in london. however, opening ceremony carries topman in la. hmm. options. either/or, i guess that’s why online shopping was invented. you’ll definitely need some crisp dark blue denim jeans from ksubi or apc, straight-leg thank you. a pair of black denim jeans. some button ups from American apparel and/or uniqlo. a white suit, a black suit, a black skinny tie, and a pale pink skinny tie. i wish i could go shopping with you. but i can’t hold your hand through this. after all, you are ALMOST a grown up. let me know if this helps. and if you have ANY exciting adventures during your metamorphosis,  send me the pix so i can post them on the blog. good luck my little Casanovas in training!!! xoxox

welcome to my exciting NEW website:

hand in pants

CAN YOU HANDLE IT?!!!! CALM DOWN! The site is having some bugs in internet explorer that will be fixed very soon. I’ll let you know once the store is open! UNTIL THEN……..WELCOME HOME MY BABIES! I LOVE YOU. xoxo

if all else fails:

you know those parts of town you pass through on the way to somewhere else? when you look out the window and say ‘Jesus Christ! who lives here’? well, maybe one day, YOU will. 

if all else fails and your life starts to derail; your dreams are shattered; love life is on the rocks- you can ALWAYS pack up and run away to some tucked away no mans land like reseda or something! 

get a job at Starbucks (they have a health plan!) and start fucking all the dude employees you work with! start having an affair with the 18 year old boy who lives in the apartment next door and teach him what it means to be a man who can provide a woman with something that will ACTUALLY makes her HAPPY: A BACK RUN AND AN ORGASM! i DON’T recommend doing this ’till you’re like 40 or something. but, it’s important to be aware of ALL your life’s options. 

when you get fired from Starbucks and are running from the cops because the neighbor boy, you’ve now been informed you were molesting, is ACTUALLY 16- you can buy a bus ticket to Lancaster or watsonville or something. start selling fruit on a corner and only wear light denim, jean short, cut offs. on the weekends, swim in a lake, drink beer or mike’s hard lemonade and fuck the complete ANTITHESIS of your former 16 year old lover: Enrique, the Latino heart throb of the area, who promises to teach you Spanish while he makes love to you…. but never gets past “you’re pussy is so wet”. oh well. 

I won’t resort to any of this unless I end up miserable and in turmoil cuz my life is in ruins. But until then, I’m good. No need to go there. Just a passing thought that runs through my mind whenever I end up in the valley- usually only when I’m SUPER DEEP in the valley, on ventura blvd in like woodland hills or something. xoxo

if only:

if only someone could promise us that all our craziest dreams and desires would come true; that everything would work out in the end…. and that we could rest assured that it will all be OK. but they can’t. who knows what will happen between now and the time you die? that’s the thing that some people actually LIKE about life. it’s a constant surprise. a gamble. but that’s also what others can HATE about it! 

it’s why some people take their own lives. they reach their breaking point. they hit their limit of ‘not knowing’ and they give up. they feel hopeless; think life is too hard to go on living because they’re unhappy, unfulfilled, and can’t continue living with the possibility that they may NEVER be happy- that their dreams may NEVER come true. and in the blink of an eye, they are gone forever. having died at their own hand. there is NO need for this to happen. but it does and it’s tragic. so, it’s important to look at the thought process that could cause this dark hole of hopelessness, and avoid it at all costs. 

we live in a world where phrases like ‘you never know’, ‘just when i least expected…’ , and ‘who knows?’ run wild. and they’re true! you never know what’s coming for you around the corner… good OR bad. just as quickly as you could contract herpes, you could win the lotto. and all you can do in the interim is live your life, be nice to your friends & family, try not to be such an asshole, maybe make people laugh if you don’t mind, have a laugh yourself, and work towards making your dream become realized. letting it be bigger than just a thought inside your head. 

but before you can do this, you have to KNOW what it is you WANT. do you know? when you figure it out through thinking/writing in an unlined journal… brainstorming like a kuh-razy person, that’s ONLY the beginning. every day, do at least ONE thing towards achieving your dream/goal. even if it’s as simple as ‘i wanna be a chef’ and going to the supermarket to grocery shop or signing up for a cooking class (and hopefully actually going). 

all of this will help towards moving your life in an inspired, focused direction. giving you things to daydream about and aspire to having/being! but if you feel trapped in a moody, super sad hole of despair…… do ANYTHING you can to perk yourself up! NO, NOT drugs- smoking- or binge eating (and by binge eating, i mean BINGE EATING: like eating an entire pizza in one sitting by yourself. or emptying the contents of your entire fridge into your stomach)!

INSTEAD, how about seeing a movie by yourself; getting a small popcorn and peanut m&m’s or red vines? have a vanilla soy OR nonfat milk latte (your call)! i mean, if you were ALREADY planning on killing yourself ANYWAY, why would you feel guilty about having a treat?! it’s like looking at life from a whole new perspective! try reading the tabloids for free at the supermarket, going on a walk…. anything! even a bubble bath and calling a friend/seeking help from a profesh could change everything. you can even e-mail me. you see, getting so emotionally low can actually give you a whole new lease on life! if nothing matters, than you can be brave, and fearless, and choose to LIVE and not let others affect you! 

so, just cheer up. after all, the beautiful thing about life is, even if you’re not feeling your best right now….there just might be a happy surprise lurking just around the bend. i love you! xoxo

the blind leading the blind PART 9:

1. live every day eating like you’re about to be photographed naked by Ryan McGinley the next day.

2. don’t be an idiot. save your money!!! open a savings account! put half of what you make in your checking and the other half in your savings. you’ll thank me later! think ahead! the younger you are, the more thankful you’ll be later!

3. it’s bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

4. wood does not absorb electricity. Unless we’re talking about a dudes wooden dick and the electricity of a woman’s vagina. in this case, wood will totally absorb electricity!

5. metal absorbs heat. If you leave your spoon in your tea/coffee/soup, it’ll get cooler.

6. Stop smoking! It’ll make you REAL UGLY, REAL FAST. I’d almost rather you develop a sex addiction instead (with condoms of course). It would be less harmful to your health. I don’t care if it’s your nervous outlet, if you’re addicted! Go to cvs, Duane Reade, target, your local pharmacy and get the patch! Then go to whole foods and buy two packs of flavored tooth picks. One cinnamon and one tea tree. Good luck. Haggy, wrinkled, smokers won’t be allowed to read this blog any more. So get it the fuck together! there’s no excuse to smoke anymore!

7. i know i probably shouldn’t say this but i feel compelled to; you should start loving your body if you don’t already. even if it’s all gross and you’re out of shape. EVEN if you’re a binge eating maniac with so many flaps of fat you can’t properly clean all the crevices and as a result you tend to smell sour and can’t figure out why. i say you should like your body because it’s the only body you’re ever gonna have and it’s yours! my mom used to tell me ‘how’s your body ever gonna change for you if you keep telling it that you hate it?’ so be nice to your body. that includes taking care of it with what you put inside it, (food, liquid and boys privates includes, how you wash it, how you move it, etc.

8. you’re ONLY allowed to have popcorn and peanut m&ms; at the cinema if you’re IN the movie that you’re seeing. no exceptions. if you end up getting cut out of the film and you’ve already finished the treats and feel SUPER EXTRA guilty cuz your cause for celebration is now non existent- you better walk that shizz off fatty!

9. a SECOND on the lips, a LIFETIME on the hips. 

10. don’t go in the ocean when you have your period. a shark will totally eat you. i live by this rule. be careful this summer. 

first love – part 4:

Felix and i went out for eight months. or did i just say eight, when it was REALLY only six, to make it sound more important than it was?I’ll never know. sometimes i can lie to myself better than anyone could ever lie to me. cuz I’ll believe it. 

under his influence, i tried drugs for the first time. THAT did NOT help what had ultimately began as a dream romance. I’m moody/crazy/and self conscious enough without the help of illegal substances. NOWADAYS, there’s no way you’d even catch me smoking a cigarette! 

but ULTIMATELY, Felix and i could have never been together forever. i was too young. he was too young. we weren’t a perfect fit in general, because we just weren’t. but even if we WERE, there’s no way we could have been at THAT point in our lives- because i don’t think our brains were fully developed YET. mine probably still isn’t. jk jk! or am i jk’ing?! life experience was lacking for both of us. 

i was fifteen by the time it ended, and though i have the small tendency to be a bit needy now – at FIFTEEN i was at the BEGINNING stage of my ride with full throttle neediness. i pushed Felix away. one night i suggested we break up, in the hope he would beg for me to take him back, shower me with love and desperation! but this was not the case. instead he just said ‘ok’. 

i walked from his car onto my porch. i sat down on the bench outside and watched him, just sitting there in his car. we were both sad. it had mattered to him. he had loves me too. but it was too hard. and the joy was gone. that night was the equivalent of experiencing a death. 

i can still conjure the mental image of Felix looking at me from his car, and it can STILL make me cry if i let it. he’ll always be the boy who taught me what love is supposed to feel like. and he’ll forever be the boy who took my virginity… or more like the boy i happily gave it away to. xo

first love – part 3:

He was sarcastic and witty and I believed in him. He even wore nail-polish! He didn’t care what anyone thought. And he was super cute. He was an American boy, but he looked like he was English Mick Jagger lips and a haircut like the Beatles. I think he had a beauty mark too. 

it went from me being completely intimidated by him, to the most intense first love i could ever imagine anyone having. hmmm. now that i think about it, I’m pretty sure i maintained my feelings of intimidation all through the relationship. fuck! oh well, hindsight is 20/20. live and learn. but he was too cool not to be intimidating! i’d rather that than some wimpy lame-o.

no one had ever made me laugh like he did. Maybe someone had- but they weren’t a boy OR they WERE, but weren’t as cute? either way, that’s when i realized what it meant for me to be in love: HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD YOU HURT, HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH HIM! Felix made me figure out what my version of love is too?! wowzers! this guy was on fire! no wonder this blog post is so long. what power he had over me!

I think the person you call your boyfriend/the person you have on your arm, is a reflection of you. And he made me sooo proud that we were reflecting eachother. Yes, it was less complicated cuz I was 15. But in a way, it may have been more complicated emotionally. These were all new feelings. Everything was exciting. 

Now, in my 20′s, not only do i have to worry about getting my heart broken or breaking people’s hearts- I have to worry about paying my bills too!!! I like drama in relationships and I’m trying not to, because this only makes things harder for everyone involved- especially me. And WAY more complicated than necessary. I’m trying to learn that an uncomplicated relationship IS NOT a boring relationship. And that’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy. But, yes, I think I always look at my first love as a barometer to gauge if I’ve found love. 

The dude I love HAS to make me laugh, be gorgeous, inspire me and have that secret ingredient that gives him an effortless cool. like he could be anywhere and people would want to listen to him, stand near him. The weird trick that’s hard to find is this: I need him to chase me a bit, but not let me walk all over him. Cuz if he doesn’t chase me and there are NO games at all- I’ll get bored and frustrated and walk away. 

Love and looking for love and waking up in the morning excited about a boy or girl is universal. It’s what songs and movies are written about. And the dynamics between men and women fascinate me. (to be continued….one last time!)

first love – part 2:

all this was happening during that time in life when you don’t know if you’re gonna be a jock, a cheerleader, a raver or an indie kid. I chose the latter (although i leaned more towards mod, if you MUST know). And I think I did this because of indie dudes like Felix! they were the ones I was attracted to. by just existing, Felix alerted me to what i was instinctually attracted to. 

Sometimes what shapes a woman into the woman she learns to become, are the men she chooses to surround herself with. Or the dudes that choose her. the time you spend with the person you call your bf or gf or whatevs, is some of the most intimate time you experience. this is very influential in peoples lives. men AND women. deep conversations/thoughts exchanged with a person who makes your heart race and causes a rush of endorphins and dopamine is a BIG deal! this type of relationship allows for much more (or at least a different kind of) intimacy than you’d experience with your big sis or aunt. 

personally, I liked the boys who liked the pixies, unwound, built to spill, fugazi, the make up and modest mouse. This doesn’t mean I liked EVERYTHING they liked – but when I was super young I went along with what the boys thought was cool. i was a sponge. listening to conversations about records and making the knowledge they spewed my own. But as I grew up and became my own person, I learned to differentiate between what I liked, didn’t like, and what i had fooled myself into liking. 

As a young person finding yourself, you use all the tools around you to define who you are and develop a sense of self. friends, books, movies, music, TV, clothes, etc. I am an only child who grew up in a turbulent home with a dad who didn’t say I love you enough. Boo hoo me. WAHHHH! but, LUCKILY, I had lots of guy friends (who i MOST LIKELY sought out as male figures to give me attention affection and approval) who treated me like a sister. 

they drove me to shows when I was too young to drive. They picked me up after school, we got french fries and talked shit! they included me, stood up for me. i felt like i was special, chosen, belonged, had a family and a secret society. i was untouchable. 

one of these guys in this gang of big bros was Felix. who was only now in my life, after randomly running into him a year after i found out he even existed! and while spending time with him, during group hang out sessions….i fell in love with him. and the best part was…he ‘like-liked’ (youthful slang for love) me back! i couldn’t believe it. (to be continued) 

first love:

He was gorgeous. He was older than me. 18 to my 15. the coolest boy i had ever met. A drummer of a band. i guess I’ve always had a thing for drummers. I’ve put up with tapping from boys for so long, and now when they do it, it just annoys me, instead of fascinate or turn me on.

he had been in and around my life for a while without me knowing it. in 9
th grade the coolest of the 11th grade girls let me and my friend Alana tag along with them (at their mercy) to a rave in downtown la. we all got ready together, lied to our parents about where we would be, what we would be doing.

before going to the rave, we had to stop at some coffee house on ventura Blvd. i can’t remember why (map point?- no) or what it was called. the alligator lounge? no. blue iguanas? no. just, SOME coffee house. we were waiting for kelly’s (prettiest of the cooler older girls- at least in my opinion) boyfriend to show up. 

he was older than her and she was crazy over him- but all i could think was ‘who is this mystery dude? he’s running super late and ruining the party!’ but because i was frozen, in fear of not being cool, and planning EVERY word i uttered around the older cooler kids….i picked and planned what came out of my mouth minutes before i said anything! and regarding kelly’s late bf, i kept my fucking mouth shut and smoked. (at this point in my life, i think i had yet to learn abut inhaling.) 

i smoked Marlborough menthol light 100′s. LAME! homeless people wouldn’t even take my cigarettes. it was many raves/shows/nights later- up all hours at Twain’s/canters/nova express (all ages coffee shops and late night spots)- that i was FINALLY taught to inhale. why didn’t anyone tell me? how embarrassing! but, geeze, NOT inhaling totally didn’t hurt like INHALING. i guess you have to pick your battles. cool won over common sense, getting in trouble with grown ups, and cancer EVERY TIME!

back to the story, Kelly’s dude FINALLY showed up! his name was Felix. i barely looked at him. i was too shy and didn’t want to reveal to much about myself by staring. he wore high water Dickie’s, etnies, had full hair, not long, just full like a member of the Beatles. had a back pack written on with white out. I’m sure a hackey sack lurked somewhere inside. but that was really none of my business. he seemed angry and serious. for the first time ever, i saw the older girls i thought were the coolest- revert to being just as big a dork as i acted when i was around THEM! 

a year and a half later, i was walking from my moms house in north Hollywood to a coffee shop on lankershim blvd.(hey, when you’re 14, it’s all you can do!) and who was walking out of an early evening band practice sesh?…..Felix! i couldn’t breathe! it was a sign! he was it!!!! he and kelly had long since broken up. it was a whole new era…. and i was about to be 15! the possibilities were endless!(to be continued)

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