What happened last night? I’ll tell you what happened! Last night, you got banged by some dude and you were totally boring in bed! I’m soooo disappointed in you! The only excuse for submissive sex is if you’re being raped! Otherwise, it is NOT an option! Plus, guys talk too you know, and you don’t wanna get a rep for being a lame dud in the sack! Do you?? Now’s not the time to worry about whether or not your bangs are perfectly straight. Now’s the time to get nasty! I’m not saying that you should let him stick it in your bum, cuz I actually DON’T advocate that. I’m just saying, don’t stop at GETTING fucked. You fuck him right back, you nasty bitch! Make noise if you want to, make whatever face you feel inclined to (shit, I hope it’s not super ugly-oh well, I say take the chance! How ugly could it be? If you’re reading this blog, it means you’re beautiful!) Get on top, on your side, on the bottom,69 (although my best dude friend once told me that 69′ing is the ultimate in intimate cuz it’s pretty much ass on face-yikes! That’s why I always say ‘carry baby wipes’-that way you don’t have to sacrifice in the sack!), get head/give head! Just wait for my mutual masturbation post! It’s gonna be detailed, personal,and RAD! So please! Don’t lay there like a lump! Even if you’re a beautiful lump! That is no excuse to be boring! Cuz if you’re crazy in bed, super nice to look at AND have a great personality……….YOU WIN!
The Beverly Center! The mall that sucked me into its fast paced, fluorescent lit vortex for 5 hours and didn’t even apologize! But why should you bev center? I was asking for it. After Christmas sales can be brutal! But my 2009 outfits are gonna be sweet! Today, I tried wearing a beret! Today, I tried wearing red lipstick! Today, i was a whole new me that only exists and CAN ONLY exist in the confines of the Beverly Center. it was super OK to try out a new look! and the tranny boys behind the MAC counter encouraged it! IT WAS EXHILARATING! gay dudes at Club Monaco called me ‘fierce’! me! they asked me where I came from! What a great day! Meandering about the mall, I saw so many cute boys! I’m not sure how many of them were straight, but I’m pretty sure at least one of them would have fucked me! And isn’t that all that really matters? h&m;, and forever 21 on the tip top floor of heaven on earth. an hour into my epic day, i ran into the guy I’m occasionally sleeping with! who cares that he didn’t love my neon lime beret and viva glam red lips? who invited him anyway?! this was no time for nay sayers and dream dashers! it was MY DAY! this was my castle! barbies dream house! and he wasn’t ken. he was an evil warlord from the wrong side of the tracks. we said our goodbyes. and i got a Starbucks.I cruised h&m; for everything great! for some, my red lips were man magnets. a whole new breed of men that i don’t usually attract! i caught the eye of a very successful looking (based in nothing but how crisp and clean his outfit was), tall, classy looking, musician type-with a non embarrassing Mohawk (it kinda looked endearing). he was clearly in love with my vagina, but i HAD to leave, cuz i left my wallet at Starbucks-the one ACROSS the street at the Beverly connection, NOT the one on the top floor across from h&m.; don’t ask me why. but at least they had my wallet and i got in some cardio! I’ll never know what could have been with the Mohawk dude. he was gone by the time i got back. so i took off the beret, and i rubbed off my lipstick, and continued sleeping with that other dude, who will NEVER understand the ‘Beverly Center’ me.
Why did no one tell me that basketball is awesome???? i didn’t know shaggy haired dudes were allowed to play sports! if ANYONE reading this can get super great seats at a Lakers game and wouldn’t mind taking me and flirting with this dude, make it happen and we’ll have a blast! xo
41. never wear ugg boots. Apparently girls didn’t get this memo 7 years ago. MAYBE when you’re in Malibu, and even then it’s sketch. Maybe on a ski trip around the lodge, but not out and about at sundance! perhaps to a movie/TV set in the morning, cuz you’re gonna change into your wardrobe anyways! have you given any thought to moccasin boots: the healthy alternative to ugg boots?
42. never, I repeat NEVER leave reading material in the bathroom! What the fuck kind of game are you trying to run here? Unacceptable!
43. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud!
44. you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don’t take people for granted or let people take you for granted!
45. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!
46. when you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! you are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you via text and text alone! So work it out fatso! Peace!
47. for the dudes and the gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of automobile is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.
48. it’s ‘BY ACCIDENT’, not ‘ON ACCIDENT’. proper example: “he hit her BY accident.”
49. being scared and being nervous are choices! So just say NO and do not engage in these life debilitating/crippling choices!
50. don’t bite your nails! Get a manicure and grow into the woman or gay man you are meant to be!
UNZIPPED holds a VERY special place in my heart. it is a documentary about fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi. this film changed my life. it inspired me to move to new york immediately after graduating high school and showed me how exciting and glamorous life could be. the world is what you make it. figure out what you love doing and do it. make your world whatever it is you want it to be by surrounding yourself with people and things that represent who you are and what you love. here are some lovely pieces from the film. the weekend is approaching, you’ve got time.& while you’re at it, say hello to my new friend zac sebastian.
People are so weird! More than one person can fit at the fucking milk/stir/pouring out excess coffee/mixing station at Starbucks! What the fuck! I hate when I squeeze in next to someone, giving them totally enough elbow room and they still give me attitude! I’m just trying to work together! it’s a free fucking country! we’re obviously both in a hurry. it’s not a big deal! pick your battles! you don’t own Starbucks (although I seriously doubt the owner would mind a cram sesh at the work station. he’d be happy about the business)! and then they give me the passive aggressive look over their shoulder! it isn’t your right to feel like a king at the mixing station. Move the fuck aside and let’s consciously ignore each other and do what we need to do! I’d actually rather you said “hey bitch cunt, you’re in my space!” That way I could reply “yes, fuckface, I can see that! I’m pretty sure we can coexist here for 19 seconds you shit eating asshole! Have a good day! I love you”. but i guess that’s just me living in a fantasy world. which brings me to those people who stand behind me, when I’m in their way, but I clearly have no idea and don’t know there is someone who needs to get past me! And when I finally do turn around and see them and say “oh, hey, sorry, I had no idea, whoopsies. allow me to move!”and they just huff and roll there eyes, and barrel past me all over the top stylies-performing for me and everyone else they’ve been trying to gain empathy from for the past 5 minutes. When all they needed to say was “excuse me. I need to get by.” That’s why we have vocal cords! To communicate! you passive aggressive bitches! Speak, and your wish might be granted! Or just hold it in and grow an ulcer. Your call. oh yeah, and it’s totally cool to signal when changing lanes and/or turning. Xoxo
So the other day, i was gonna MAYBE take a Pilates class- cuz I’m trying to incorporate exercise into my life-(BORING), i had a work thing to do from 11am to 11:19am, and then an interview with a dude named Addison. i had never met him, but 1. his facebook photos were awesome, b. he likes my blog, and 3. he has a very photogenic face. done deal. (1, b,and 3 were written on purpose fyi. feel free to steal this and say it in public. makes people laugh every time- possibly at your expense, but SO WHAT!) I was a bit sleepy and burnt on the dude interviews for the week. me, burnt out on talking to dudes?! who was i? anywayzies. we were meeting up at Starbucks on Larchmont. if he was a dud/murderer and i had to escape- i could at least have a venti coffee with some half and half, check out Larchmont beauty center next door, go to rite aid and get a flash light to shine on guys the next time i do a night time interview (so they’re not a dark blob with a voice attached, as per the usual), or i could beg Marlborough students (all girl private school) to take my stickers/make their classmates read my blog! But no. instead i made a new friend! Addison: a young man who’s not only stylish and open to talking about his life and love experiences, but makes me look cool and hip- just by standing next to me, based on his youth and choice of outfit alone! i didn’t know what to ask, how to feel. it wasn’t a date, but what was it? just two random people talking about life. him in his American rag t shirt and me in my hm tights with an American apparel tote! this is what dreams are made of! while chatting about favorite TV shows (you’ve all been there) we discovered we both love arrested development! duh! are we not human? do we not bleed? and all of a sudden, in walks……..Will Arnett! (in a white american apparel deep v and a dark denim jacket, if you MUST know- couldn’t tell if it was Levis or apc. I’m gonna guess Levis.) Addison and i took this as a sign from our maker…..the maker of dreams come true! of ALL the Starbucks, in ALL the world, Will had walked into ours- mid chat over arrested development even?! come on! he was too talented and handsome NOT to be photographed and placed on my blog. and that’s what i told him! i apologized for my infiltrating his personal space, and asking him to be a boycrazy.com representative. i told him that i felt i could get away with behavior like this because i’m a girl and my blog is awesome. he agreed. he was down! if you look closely, you’ll see he’s wearing a boycrazy.com sticker that i adorned him with. I’m sure it’s in the trash somewhere now, most likely in the one right outside Starbucks! but i don’t care. it was an exciting day! you’re welcome! xoxo