in bed with jack and pj:

Sometimes you just have to storm into a dudes house, beg him and his actor friend to take their shirts off, and ask them questions till they give you a goddamn answer. so that’s what i did. i was bored and lonely. I’d just had a full and productive day getting my hair cut & colored, and my nails done. i didn’t even have to wake up early the next day, so i could totally stay up late! but do what, where, and with who? i had no one to annoy! i needed brains to play with! dolls made out of people!

Meanwhile, jack and pj were cozy at home (not in a gay way) living their lives, playing video games, texting, watching the boob tube, one up’ing each other with witty quips and fast paced banter… UNTIL I ARRIVED, TO FUCK THEIR SHIT UP! so tonight, this is what i learned via pillow talk. we didn’t have sex, but i made sure there was a pillow near by each of the boys -at all times- to make them feel safe and have something to squeeze in case my questions got too scary. let’s learn about the inner workings of two successful, cool, heterosexual, hip, young, go-getting dudes!

jacko part 1: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

dude of the day!!!!!

Look at this dude? who the hell does he think he is??? just because he’s a male model who has tattoos that probably drive the designers he works for kuhrazy AND he knows how to play scrabble AND he can read (see stack of books he keeps to his left at all times) doesn’t mean he has the right to give me the goddamn finger! like i even care! yes, he could give zoolander a run for his money! yes, I’ve heard the dude knows how to surf well or whatever! and yes, he’s probably super rich and lives in the ‘bu’. but why does he need to have his blackberry on the table at all times? to rub it in peoples faces that he gets a lot of bootie calls? gross (I’m borderline mortified that i even typed the word ‘bootie‘. ahhh, i did it again!) when this photo was taken he was in the middle of being photographed by me, and spouting off orders to some foxy female babe “I’m ready for my coffee and pie now!” not even a please! (on a side note: doesn’t it suck that male models can eat pie, while girl models probably can’t. life is sooo bogus!) you know why!? because he doesn’t need to say please! he’s GOOD LOOKING you fools! it is his right to take what he wants and leave the girls heartbroken in the wake of his manliness! he may have given me the finger, but at least I won scrabble. actually, i didn’t. I’m totally lying. I’m sorry. another totally sexy hot dude won. wow, is this the week of the man or what?! i guess the moral of the story is: don’t hate the player, hate the game? goodnight.

hip and handsome on new years eve:

Hip, thin, young, a head full of thick hair, and HE had a lot to say. could you ask for more? that’s rhetorical. don’t speak. listen. i really appreciate it when i ask a man boy what it is that bothers/intrigues them about women, and they reach into the pit of their soul and answer. it is a beautiful thing. honesty and concentrated thought go a long way. here’s what one young man said on new years eve……there were other good looking boys that night, but he is the first in a series called “hip and handsome on new years eve”:

(PS: thank you for the tag Jonathan! Jonathan is my super cool cyber friend who is an amazing artist and for whatever reason, decided to tag my image and domain name next to m cafe. it’s been painted over, but i got a photo of it while i could! keep it up Johnny! you’re awesome and appreciated!)


This is Nigel Godrich. Superstar producer extraordinaire! The man, the myth, the legend. if you don’t know who he is, i feel really bad and embarrassed for you. I’ve given you the opportunity to click on a link and educate yourself….you monster! read it, if you even NEED to, then come back! Nigel is a hot babe and women love him! can you blame them? hello?! he’s a foxy, talented, super successful, sexy dude who has great style and has often times been referred to as a quick witted charmer! how could he not be boycrazy’s top choice for “dude of the decade”?! i asked Nigel a few hard hitting boycrazy questions, and he was kind enough to answer them because a.) he’s awesome b.) i totally cornered him and 3.) we’re friends and guilt goes a long way when you know how to work it!  so thanks NIGE! you’re amazing! happy new year! xo

1. what is your favorite thing about women/something that women do?
Pretending not to care and secretly trying really hard to please you..
2. what is your least favorite thing about woman/something that women do?
Taking forever to get ready. Pretending they don’t go to the lavatory. Sleeping with idiots.
3. do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
My mother is brunette, Agnes from Abba is blonde.. I swing between the 2.
4. is there a type of underwear you prefer on a ladies bum?
Simple classic white cotton. No bright colors.. No thongs please..
5. would you ever get in a fist fight to protect a woman you were in love with?
Absolutely and without question.
6. do you ever feel too attractive?
Anybody who answers yes to that question obviously needs help. So… no.
7. have you ever gotten a manicure and/or pedicure?
Yes – only once during a particularly metro phase as a birthday present from my gay cousin. Very strange experience. Haven’t done it again.
8. what would be the best prezzy a woman could get you on your
birthday or
Slot car racing set with special treats for the best driver..!!
9. any advice on what a girl shouldn’t do when trying to make a guy
fall in love with her?
Don’t play games.. if you’re serious. Don’t promise things you can’t deliver.
10. any advice on what a girl SHOULD do to make a boy fall in love with her?
Be honest.. be yourself. Wear white cotton panties.
11. what’s the worst thing, fashion wise, a girl can do?
Wear clothes that prohibit movement to the point of ridicule.. ie. shoes that make you walk like a monkey..
12. is it hard to be so stylish?
I think I’m surrounded by more stylish people than myself.. I try my best.
13. what’s your favorite store?
A.P.C., Margiela, Paul Smith..
14. do you think alexi wasser is a great person?
I love Alexi Celine Wasser.. who wouldn’t?
15. weirdest place a woman has ever hit on you?
In line at the post office..
16. in your opinion, what city has the sexiest women?
Cardiff.. no wait.. LA probably. They’re all so well turned out. Parisians are beautiful as well, but too crazy. Stay clear.
17. how could a woman hit on you in public, without coming across as
an overbearing/creepy stalker.
By being nice. Not talking in a creepy/stalker voice. Try asking directions..
18. what’s your favorite TV show? (feel free to plug your new show on IFC)
I hardly EVER watch Tv these days..
19. do you think I’m beautiful? “no”, would be the wrong answer.
I think we’re all beautiful in our own way. Even the ugly amongst us. I know lame answer sorry.
20. do you think public displays of affection are cool or embarrassing?
Depends on their nature – essentially they’re cool.. but there’s a line which can be crossed. No snogging in company.

don’t be so gross:

Lets face it: your vagina is a dark, dank, breeding ground for a whole lotta disgusting nonsense! i actually don’t blame guys for being scared and uneasy about going down there! but they better get the fuck over it and man up! or else they can consider themselves A. gay and B. dumped. actually- why do i feel that a gay dude, who’s out of the closet and comfortable with his sexuality, would be more inclined to go down on a girl than a super frightened hetero dude? oh well, who knows? I’m just thinking out loud here. is that a crime? 

anyways, back to you ladies! it’s in our best interest to keep that area clean and pristine! yeast infections, bacterial infections, razor burn, overgrown monster bushes, accidentally inserting more than one tampon and forgetting about the first one that’s now lodged inside of you and is rotting, not to mention ruining your social life, ARE ALL NO NO’s! yes, this is the grossest post I’ve ever posted, and hopefully will ever post! but it needs to be said! people are disgusting! i should know! I’m surrounded by you monsters ALL THE TIME! seriously though! you MUST go to the gynecologist all the time! you should get checked out every time you have sex with a new dude! I’m not kidding! you laugh now, but being a single girl-which I’m very familiar with-it’s in your best interest to take care of yourself. no one else will! people lie! boys lie! girls lie! use a condom! except when you give blow jobs, cuz that would just be social suicide. don’t be afraid of seeing your gyno over and over again! the doctor will actually respect you more and be happy you’re paying her! 

so, back to your privates! i go to a Russian day spa. i truly believe that Russian women are the best at hurting you, while simultaneously convincing you they’re making you beautiful, and sending you out the door smiling with a wallet that’s a little lighter than it was when you’d arrived. I’m over the whole landing strip thing! it’s lame! how about natural but manicured on top (which actually makes your thighs looks smaller and balances out your body) and completely bare on the bottom (that’s so it’s considerate and less complicado for the dudes you let down there). write me with your feedback boys AND girls! I’d like to hear what you think! life is about constantly learning! RIGHT??? 

so-for a healthy vadge, eat yogurt, or make sure to ingest some sort of acidophilus or ‘good bacteria’. and for the love of god, drink pineapple juice! you know why they tell men to drink it! why don’t you do yourself the same favor? you can drink pineapple coconut juice too! options! how exciting! don’t wea
r undies to bed (as much as you can), and try not to wear tights or super tight jeans all the time! let your privates breath! yes, i typed that! I’m disgusting! somebody has to be, to get the word out. I’m just trying to make a contribution!

love of your life, boy of your dreams:

If you want to fall in love, and you’ve had bad luck in the past, or you’re just unclear/not sure about what you want in someone……Make a wish list! it helps you be clear, daydream, and specify what actually matters to you! here’s mine- so you don’t think I’m just trying to make you do something lame:

he’s a facilitator of dreams
he makes me laugh sooo much
he listens to me and doesn’t wish I’d shut the fuck up
he actually likes to listen to me and hear what i have been storing up in my mind
he likes me
i like him
he is my friend
he’s the most gorgeous sexy man I’ve ever seen
he loves me
i love him
he’s extremely smart
he’s charming
he’s great in social situations
he drinks every once in a while-only socially
he’s very successful and loves the work that he does
he’s funny
he’s witty
he’s quick witted
i respect him
he respects me
he’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life
I’m the best sex he’s ever had in his life
he’s very stylish
he’s great dresser
i make him laugh
he doesn’t make me angry
we make each others lives BETTER
i am his best friend
he is my best friend
we have the best sex in the world
we don’t fight
we laugh all the time
he loves me
i love him
i have no desire to cheat
he has no desire to cheat
we look great together
we are a handsome couple
i love how i see myself through his eyes
i am the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen
he is my age or a little bit older
he totally gets my sense of humor
i totally get his sense of humor
he surprises me with presents: like Chanel bags (black jumbo classic lambskin bag with gold hardware-if not black, rosebud, but always lambskin NOT cambon and always gold hardware), flowers (white roses, tulips, red roses)
he has the money to pay for these things and not go bankrupt
he’s cool
he’s not a poser
he’s confident
he knows who he is
he inspires me
i inspire him
we are in love!

*YES, i know i rambled and repeated myself, and said very BIG grandiose things! but who cares! love is crazy and exciting and amazing! and I’d rather dream big, rather than small! xoxo

what you want your life to be:

So, the new year is nearly upon us and LOTS of things need to change!!! Ask yourselves these questions: Are you happy? do you like who you see in the mirror? are you in love? Do you want to be in love? Do you have a serious crush on someone? Do you dress like a lame fucking asshole? Do you need a new haircut and color tweak? (I strongly recommend goodform on Fairfax if you live in Los Angeles, or are even just visiting la for a layover! Ask for jay! he’s a whiz at cuts and a master of color! I’m not kidding, so stop laughing! The dude will change your life! Plus he’s hot, AND straight, with abs of steal!) Do you need an attitude adjustment? Do you like how you make people feel? Or how you feel around people? Do you hate your job? Are you in a rut? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs or drink too much? Are you mean, jealous, vindictive and talk a lot of shit? Do you hurt peoples feelings and get off on making people feel small? Do you hate your family? Do you even really like your friends? Let’s reassess why? Do you need to do some clutter control/spring cleaning/a winter wipe out- when it comes to toxic friends and or family that make you super bummed and only drain you of energy? If you’re always coming home from a get together sad and in tears or tired…don’t get together with the person you just got home from hanging out with. Do you care too much about what people think about you that it’s sometimes debilitating and crippling your soul? Think about these questions! 2009 should be a fucking rad year for you (and me, let’s not be selfish, geeze!)! Let’s make that happen! Tomorrows post will zero in on love, but this post is for your overall life!!! Go through your closet and get rid of anything and everything you never wear/use anymore. Make piles! Don’t be one! Once your piles are in order, take the most fashionable of the piles to be sold at wasteland! Don’t waste their time with yellow arm pitted hanes t shirts thank you very much! They don’t owe you shit! Tell Ernest and the gang that I say hi and I love you! Take the money you make, and RUN to get a Starbucks -there’s one down the street by urban outfitters- and write your new years resolutions! What do you want your life to be? This is VERY important! I really do believe that you paint your own life picture! Listen, if you’re reading this blog it means you probably care a lot about your outfits and how you present yourself/put yourself together-on a day to day basis! Why not care just as much about your life’s future and where you end up!? The clock is ticking! The cigs and alcohol and drugs are aging you! And youth is power! So cash in on it now! Look at Cory Kennedy and mark hunter! They’re making their youth count!!! How about you? I’m not even exactly sure what they do, but it seems super fun/providing them with money and notoriety. Back to the point: just sort yourself out, get your priorities straight! And make a contribution to the world by being the best you can be! didn’t nelson Mandela have a quote about that or something “shine your light bright so you’ll inspire others to shine their light” or whatever? Blah blah blah! Just try not to do drugs and be an asshole. I hope I’ve made my point. Stay tuned for the “get that love 2009 style” post tomorrow. I love you. Now make sure that you love you. Later! Xoxo
ps: i stole this from a lovely young woman’s myspace page: “Say what you want, and do what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”~Dr. Seuss

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!

38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

shopping didn’t make it better:

I’m a little glum. Lately I’ve been keeping away from even looking in forever 21. And today, when I decide to venture in….the inventory is seriously disappointing. I used to love going inside, getting lost for hours, running into stylish girlfriends of mine and making the covert hand to the lips gesture signifying “you never saw me here.” But not today my sisters, not today. And what’s worse is that it looked as though the men’s selection was way hipper! What the fuck is that shiz all about? Oh well, at least we’ll have cuter clothes to borrow from the boys we’re making out with. (even though TECHNICALLY the dudes we sleep with should not even know what forever 21 is, and should only sport apc, American apparel, and MAYBE a touch of opening ceremony. but i said ‘making out with’, not ‘fucking’! so that leaves the spectrum wide open!) oh xx1! although it wasn’t your day….I haven’t given up on you yet! Or even you, heritage 1981! I’ll be back, I just hope you are too! WHOOPSIES UPDATE: I blogged too soon! I ended up finding an awesome pine green and black plaid flannel and a super cute spaghetti strapped billowy tank top. keep spending money at xxi! it’s all good!

Hope your Christmas was awesome! did you watch ‘a Christmas story’ or ‘home alone 2: lost in new york’? that’s good. hope you didn’t eat too much, you’ll only regret it. i feel like I’m always telling you that. but you can handle it! i know you can! you sexy Christmas goddess you! well, in case you missed the hills last Monday…..allow me to show you what you missed. i know I’m supposed to be a hills hater, and my target audience would feel the same way, but if the hills is your guilty pleasure, like it is mine, this is the most epic hills yet! emotions will really start to flow and tension will escalate when Lauren and Heidi are at the same event. keep in mind, they used to be BEST friends, and now they never talk! all because of Spencer. i was in tears. check it out! xo H.A.G.S.

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.

22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.

23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool

24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.

25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!

26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 

27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.

28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”.  fyi.) 

29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80’s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!

30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.

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