what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls:

alexi-and-tim

I’m sick of being such a negative/downer. only asking dudes what they hate about girls- so this is a very exciting, newly updated version of “what dudes hate about girls”, entitled, “what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls” starring (like an elusive silhouette in the dark) Tim Barber! I’d never heard of this Tim Barber, or whatever his real name is, until i met him at space 1520 at an art show he curated. apparently he’s totally cool or whatever/responsible for making cool stuff and putting neat & talented people together. Tim Barber, the man, seemed to have a hard shell that was fun to try and crack. i feel like i did this! and as a result, I’m pretty sure he fell in love with me. don’t let him fool you with his put on, blatant disdain for me, and borderline cringing every time i spoke. the guy’s in love….i just can’t figure out why he kept running in the other direction whenever i came near him. oh well, that’s another puzzle to solve on another day all together! for now, let’s dive into Tim Barber’s magical man soul and try to take some of it away from him!

PS: if you look in the background, you can see the original W.D.H.A.G. star trying to relive his glory. i think he knows that some of you have a crush on him…so we’ll HAVE to get back to him later and find out what he actually LIKES about girlies! xo

mommy:

no! it’s Sunday! you shouldn’t even be on the Internet, let alone reading blogs! I’m flattered, but you shouldn’t have. i understand that there’s a lot of down time, and it’s the perfect opportunity to read my blog-but I’m out humiliating myself now and collecting stories to tell you. if you’re not all caught up with my previous posts, now would be a good time to do so! the following 5 days ahead have a lot in store for us. fun stories. cute boys. me looking like a retarded asshole! i can’t wait! but, like i said, TODAY IS SUNDAY! the day of lazy craziness. you should be having sex with some dude you picked up last night at Teddy’s OR getting ready to go to sway! so, put on a facial mask why don’t you?! expensive or cheap….i don’t give a fuck! just do it. have you tried the insanely affordable yet highly effective queen Helene mint julep masque? it’s to die for! see you tomorrow! until then, here are some you tubes of the woman who made me…….(the 2 guys are my uncles. my mom’s the one with the boobs.) xo

daddy…..

It’s saturday. i have a ton of stories planned for next week. if this picture filled post is boring for you, then read this blog. or knock yourself out with this blog. BUT, here is MY post:
my dad is a photographer named Julian Wasser. These are some of his photos:
















ps: i need street teamers. please contact me if you like cool stickers and/or the idea of spreading the word about this blog. i love you. xoxo

important things happen in cars late at night:

One time my friend (and by ‘friend’, i mean me) made out/kissed a boy so much and so passionately that my frenulum ripped. what’s a frenulum? good question. I’m glad you asked. because i didn’t know what a frenulum was either, until mine was ripped. a frenulum is basically the piece of skin that connects the bottom of your TONGUE to the inside of your MOUTH. it is a small fold of tissue that secures or restricts the motion of a mobile organ in the body. people have a frenulum  by your privates too-connecting your privates to your body or your bum or whatever. but that is NOT the one I ripped. yuck. i repeat, that is NOT what I ripped! HOW DARE YOU? what kind of skeeze do you think i am? don’t answer that. anyways, i guess the boy sucked on my tongue too hard and it ripped. i started crying and my frenulum was bleeding. awkward! he’s totally cute and meant well, and the kisses had always been delightful…..up until now. i guess that’s the price you pay for being a makeout queen. and i thought aids would be my only potential danger! i thought wrong! wowzers. when i went to my dentist to ask him if i was OK, and what exactly had happened- he explained that my frenulum was ripped. i would’ve liked to have left it at that, but it got weirder. my dentist started coming onto me. my ripped frenulum was now a billboard saying “I’m easy! slut approaching!” gross. didn’t he know i was only interested in previously ’60s style mod dudes, turned fashionably modern circa now- with only a light nod to the ’60s haircut /art faggy/hip cool casual indie kids between the ages of 18 and 37? I’m an elitist snob when it come to makeouts. and married, 57 year old, Beverly hills dentists were not on my agenda. so, now i go to a different dentist. one who doesn’t know about my sordid makeouts or ripped parts. one who doesn’t tell me that he used to be a drummer in his high school band. what the fuck?! xo ttyl

when you don’t know how good you are:


I was gonna make this guy a  featured “what dudes hate about girls” or “dude of the day”, but i changed my mind. i went to stalk him where he worked, and thought I’d say a quick hi, tell him about my blog, take a pic, and leave…but he made it so difficult i ended up staying there for like an hour till i got a photo. he was sooo camera shy. and the more i told him how gorgeous and good looking he was, the more shy he became. this dude i was trolling has a girlfriend and a baby, so there was no weird tension-(i DO have some boundaries) and i could be normal and not as nervous as i used to be when he was single and i would stalk him at wasteland (the clothing store he used to work at). I’ve been following his career for a while. i used to go into wasteland and start sweating and get dry mouth and totally freak out when i would see him! now, I’m free to be me! what a relief. i told him all this. how i used to stutter around him and think that he was a very striking young fellow who’s exotic beauty could probably land him a lot of commercials for Levis! he wouldn’t believe me! and laughed it off and said “shut up. yeah right.” it made me sad that he doesn’t think he’s as gorgeous as he is-or at least as gorgeous as I’ve decided he should think he is! maybe he was just being super modest! i do come on pretty strong. either/or, for the sake of this blog post…his insecurities/modesty inspired me to write this! i hate it when i see some ugly, lamo girl or dude who thinks they’re the shit and gods gift-when really they’re just meatheads who moved to la and are trying to embody some cliche idea of what it means to live in la! like the tourist who visits NYC and acts super rude and harsh because that’s what they think they need to be…trying to bring the cliche to life. meanwhile: an adorable, one of a kind boy is insecure and anxious when he’s told he’s beautiful/handsome. and refuses to believe it, all because he’s different looking and not the norm! so, all you nerdy -cool-independent-interesting-individual-indie kids- what have you,  who walk around town not knowing how awesome you are, with your hands in your pockets and shoulders raised to your ears with anxiety-know how great you are! no matter what, you aren’t the girl with the lip injections, and fake boobs, or the dude with calf implants wasting their life hanging around the coffee bean and tea leaf on sunset waiting for their big break/sugar mama or  daddy! i love you.

WHAT DUDES HATE ABOUT GIRLS #2:

THIS IS NATE: not only is he cool and fun, he also has special man thoughts and opinions all his own. care to take a peak inside his soul? i would if i were you……xo 

NATE from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

ps: if you wanna date nate, send him fan mail, or just tell him how cute he is….leave a comment! that goes for all of the featured dudes you find on this site! you’ll make a boys day! 

m cafe and what it means to me:

Eating food is not a crime! it just puts you at a serious disadvantage! so, if you must eat, i suggest m cafe! it’s awesome! it’s vegan, it’s macrobiotic. only sexy people eat there, and it’s my home away from home! need i say more? hang out with David. not only does he work there, but he’s also my gay Latino boyfriend. he’ll teach you how to speak like a gay man! for example: ‘WORK. IT. OUT!’ that’s a phrase i learned how to say and pronounce from David himself. young, heterosexual, white, women speaking like gay men is ADORABLE! trust me, i know. people only smile when i act like David in public. with me, or at me…i DON’T GIVE A FUCK! i make bitches laugh! are you listening?! try phrases like: ‘excuuuuse me!’ or ‘thank youuuuuuuu!’ elongate any sounds you can! add ‘bitch’ to the end of a sentence and then pretend to throw your non existant long hair over your shoulder, like Cher! another habit to get into: when people say something to you, a simple statement such as “i read your zine.” or “i saw you on tv.” reply with a snazzy “you’re welcome.” it’s an ironic way of being the asshole you wanna be, but are pretending not to be. and you know what? it feels great! there’s an entire speech in art school confidential about how people long for the opportunity to be the asshole they’re hiding on the inside! rent it. back to my rant: meet me at m. I’ll give you a demo and life coaching at the community table! I’m good at it, i swear. now if i could only follow my own advice. we’ll share a vegan dessert! those are the only desserts allowed on the program! and even though sharing TOTALLY sucks (I’m an only child-i hate sharing more than ANYONE) just do it! it will make you less fat! did i mention i love you, cuz i do beyaaatch! ‘girfriennnnnd’, ‘heeeeey girl, heyyyyyyyyyy!’ (all phrases i learned from David). In person, i can show you hand gestures and the Cher/mimed hair flips! later dude! xoxo

mistletoe is mandatory:




It’s getting closer! Christmas is almost here! can you handle it? I’m so excited too! i waited in line for a half hour and tried to drain as much youth as i could out of all the kids that i cut in line and stood in front of! it’s important to stay young and fresh! now, i meant to post this sooner, and spread this message, but i haven’t had the chance until now: get some fucking mistletoe and bring it wherever you go! you could have started this on December 1st! that’s what i did last year! i went to a club with my friend and there was some dude with mistletoe running around trying to make out with everything in a skirt! who was this guy? my male doppelganger? he was tall and stylish, and i wanted to slap him for breaking the mistletoe out first thing in December/beating me to it! a jealous girl, i stole the mistletoe from him and sat in a dark corner with my best friends….we were chatting, putting on lip gloss, shit talking and surveying the room. to my surprise, i spotted that sexy dude who starred in “the notebook” and “half nelson”! no way!? he’s gorgeous. i was working on another adorable dude….but my friend wasn’t! she was tipsy, which made her easier to suggest stuff to…so i gave her the mistletoe and dared her to hold it over her head and tap r.g. on the shoulder. AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! i will always love her for that! my brave, beautiful, talented friend. he turned around, looked at her, she smiled at him, and he turned right back around to the people he was talking to. I’m pretty sure she was officially mortified. oh well. it was a story. later that night, we were still in the same spot, talking and drinking. as was rg-to his friends, whoever they were. r.g took a seat on the banquet we were sitting on. still with his back to our party. braver and basically over it, my friend flopped over to r.g to regain her sense of dignity. her-“hey, i was only joking! it’s Christmas, lighten up. i was tyring to be flirty.” him-“what do you mean? i gave you my sexy face.” her-“that was your sexy face? you need to go home and work on it buddy, cuz that’s not a sexy face I’ve ever seen.” all i could see was them talking, exchanging numbers, laughing! i can’t remember what she told me they were saying….but i have to end the story here anyway, because this really isn’t my story to tell. the point is, life is exciting and you MUST take chances. if you’re a girl, you can basically get away with anything! ESPECIALLY if you look/are young, dress well, and are good looking! so buy some goddamn mistletoe and get the fuck out there! and hold it over your head! high and proud! and kiss the sexiest, most gorgeous, interesting, appealing  guys you wanna kiss! Merry Christmas!!!

let’s try this again:

*update: I’ve been given a lot of shit because the 3 people reading this blog felt that my original saturday post (a shout out to Dallas Clayton) was a throw away post (no offense Dallas-although I’m pretty sure you aren’t one of the 3 people reading my blog). i was under the impression that weekends were slow interweb days. the perfect days to post light/super caj things- because the chances of people reading are slim to none and i don’t wanna run out of things to write about. but, I’ve realized that’s practically impossible. i never seem to have a problem not shutting the fuck up, even when people want me to. i have plenty of stories about the boys i stalked and things i saw this week. here’s one:
Eventually everyone ends up at target! two days ago i was on one of my epic Los feliz to m cafe walks, when i got in an argument over the phone with a guy i’ve made out with recently. we were on the phone, i was feeling especially sensitive and needy (i blame the full moon, but that’s just me) and he didn’t respond exactly how i wanted- so i got really grumpy and hung up on him. what an asshole! i didn’t know how to snap out of it. i looked around me and my only options on the corner of santa monica blvd. and la brea were baja fresh, Starbucks, and target….why am i saying “only options”? i was practically in heaven. all i had to choose was which order i approached each one. i chose baja fresh first to get rid of my decrease in blood sugar-which was probably another reason i was such a grouchy bitch (but i still wont admit i did anything wrong-cuz he should have dealt with me better.) then Starbucks because sometimes coffee with only half and half with no sugar can be considered a dessert, and finally target! target is no longer something we have to mis-pronounce as :tar-jay” we’ve accepted it as awesome and now it’s just target again. i can’t wait for this to happen with forever 21. I’m so sick of whispering when people ask me where i got my dress. one day, ladies. one day. oh well, rome wasn’t built in a day. so there i was, at target. alone, with no dude to call. i could wander for hours and no one could tell me otherwise. mecca. i saw a slightly over sized boyfriend sweater that looked super expensive and did not scream target at all. and on me, you might even think i bought it at opening ceremony….(PS: i had no idea ooga booga sold opening ceremony, did you?) anyway-i quickly got distracted when i spotted the very slender figure of a dude in dark denim, white sneakers, and a very worn white t shirt with a green and black plaid fitted flannel over it. oh shit! this was an exciting day! I followed the super cute boy all around the store, and finally when I got up the courage to ask to take his picture (for this, for you, so you could see what i saw), he said no. why were men being such monsters today? it couldn’t have been me. I guess not everyone in la wants their picture taken. He asked me what it was for. he said he didn’t want to end up on the Internet with his face on someone else’s naked body. I freaked out and told him it was an extra credit school assignment that I’m doing about cute boys in good outfits who wear dark denim,plaid button ups, and white sneakers! i am a liar. His grandma asked what school I go to-i wanted to say “why are you here with your mom or grandma or whoever she is-aren’t u like 25?” But the first thing outta my mouth was “cal arts”. I don’t go to cal arts. And if I did, I wouldn’t be doing extra credit. I prayed he wasn’t a student there. He seemed perplexed and looked at me dauntingly-so I blurted out “I’m not out to ruin your life! i promise! just look at my haircut! I’m on your side!” he shook his head and said no. I wished him well, and continued shopping! And when I did I found these, like god was winking at me: 


i mean, can you believe it! these are in the mens section at TARGET! just look at the pocket detail! they come in size small too! dude’s, run as quickly as you can! i would if i could!




ORIGINAL POST:

Dallas Clayton is an amazing guy. He also wrote “An Awesome Book”. This is a Christmas gift that will even make the king of the jerks smile! Buy 1 today! You totally won’t regret it. Merry Christmas! 

An Awesome Book from dallas clayton on Vimeo.

sometimes i look like a monster:

Some boys are annoying and think it’s ok to pull a friendly drop by! to me, this is my worst nightmare! i don’t wanna be caught in my pajamas with pimple medication on, looking like a monster! that’s why i made the decision that my house must always be neat and tidy. i clean the tub every time i use it, even though i don’t expect a guest. i take out the trash when it’s full and/or make sure there’s nothing that appears yucky lurking in there that someone might see. i do my dishes. i swiffer. i make my bed and change my sheets! you just NEVER KNOW! this goes hand in hand with the upkeep of shaving your legs! i threw away any American apparel sweat pants I may have ever owned. i only wear night gowns now. long ones, for when i feel like a fat bloated monster. and silky short ones, for when i feel like a beautiful monster. but the facial masks and spot treatment will always be part of my life. they keep my face tight and prevent breakouts. for the love of god, I’m trying to do this facial maintenance on my downtime- away from boys, so that they wont see this side of me. and then they’re gonna try to pull a creepazoid drop by!? shit! well, like i said, i guess we always have to be ready then! as long as the ugly night time wardrobe doesn’t exist, and you’re looking adorable style-wise, the mask and spot stuff can easily be washed off. keep an eyelash curler handy, throw on one fast brush of mascara (brownish-black for a natural look), some vanilla flavored bonne bell chapstick or kiehls lip balm #1, brush your teeth/swish some mouthwash, or at least spray some of that breath spray i told you to always have around…and open the door, looking fashionably flustered like only a hot babe can, and punch that douchbag in the face! i mean, a drop by? are you serious?! not cool! i never drop by ANYBODIES house because it catches people off guard, and not in a good way! plus, you’re likely to see something gross that you didn’t wanna see. years and years ago, i was at a guys house, and i hadn’t even dropped by! i just showed up 3 minutes too early. i went to wash my hands and saw…..i don’t even wanna type this, but i have to….that he hadn’t flushed the fucking toilet. to this day, i haven’t forgotten and i also never make direct eye contact with a guys toilet bowl. when i go into the bathroom: i just look at myself in the mirror, put on lip gloss, make sure my face is in place, do a teeth and nostril check, make sure nothing embarrassing is going on, and i get the hell outta there. earlier this year, i was dating a 21 year old boy. one night we were engaged in some light texting, and he made a joke saying that he was gonna come over. at least i thought it was a joke! i
texted
“yeah right. no you’re not.” he replied “you’re right, I’m not.” i was relieved. until he textedalexi….it’s opposite day.” and then there was a knock at the door. fuck! i couldn’t believe it! at least i had caramel scented candles lit. i was so fucking annoyed. i opened the door and there he stood- with a big goofy 21 year old guy who knows that he’s good looking smile on his face. i told him how this wasn’t OK, that i was furious, that i really don’t like drop-bys, that i was in the middle of something………… and then i had sex with him.