21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.
22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.
23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool
24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.
25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!
26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows!
27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.
28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”. fyi.)
29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80’s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!
30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.