mistletoe is mandatory:

It’s getting closer! Christmas is almost here! can you handle it? I’m so excited too! i waited in line for a half hour and tried to drain as much youth as i could out of all the kids that i cut in line and stood in front of! it’s important to stay young and fresh! now, i meant to post this sooner, and spread this message, but i haven’t had the chance until now: get some fucking mistletoe and bring it wherever you go! you could have started this on December 1st! that’s what i did last year! i went to a club with my friend and there was some dude with mistletoe running around trying to make out with everything in a skirt! who was this guy? my male doppelganger? he was tall and stylish, and i wanted to slap him for breaking the mistletoe out first thing in December/beating me to it! a jealous girl, i stole the mistletoe from him and sat in a dark corner with my best friends….we were chatting, putting on lip gloss, shit talking and surveying the room. to my surprise, i spotted that sexy dude who starred in “the notebook” and “half nelson”! no way!? he’s gorgeous. i was working on another adorable dude….but my friend wasn’t! she was tipsy, which made her easier to suggest stuff to…so i gave her the mistletoe and dared her to hold it over her head and tap r.g. on the shoulder. AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! i will always love her for that! my brave, beautiful, talented friend. he turned around, looked at her, she smiled at him, and he turned right back around to the people he was talking to. I’m pretty sure she was officially mortified. oh well. it was a story. later that night, we were still in the same spot, talking and drinking. as was rg-to his friends, whoever they were. r.g took a seat on the banquet we were sitting on. still with his back to our party. braver and basically over it, my friend flopped over to r.g to regain her sense of dignity. her-“hey, i was only joking! it’s Christmas, lighten up. i was tyring to be flirty.” him-“what do you mean? i gave you my sexy face.” her-“that was your sexy face? you need to go home and work on it buddy, cuz that’s not a sexy face I’ve ever seen.” all i could see was them talking, exchanging numbers, laughing! i can’t remember what she told me they were saying….but i have to end the story here anyway, because this really isn’t my story to tell. the point is, life is exciting and you MUST take chances. if you’re a girl, you can basically get away with anything! ESPECIALLY if you look/are young, dress well, and are good looking! so buy some goddamn mistletoe and get the fuck out there! and hold it over your head! high and proud! and kiss the sexiest, most gorgeous, interesting, appealing  guys you wanna kiss! Merry Christmas!!!

let’s try this again:

*update: I’ve been given a lot of shit because the 3 people reading this blog felt that my original saturday post (a shout out to Dallas Clayton) was a throw away post (no offense Dallas-although I’m pretty sure you aren’t one of the 3 people reading my blog). i was under the impression that weekends were slow interweb days. the perfect days to post light/super caj things- because the chances of people reading are slim to none and i don’t wanna run out of things to write about. but, I’ve realized that’s practically impossible. i never seem to have a problem not shutting the fuck up, even when people want me to. i have plenty of stories about the boys i stalked and things i saw this week. here’s one:
Eventually everyone ends up at target! two days ago i was on one of my epic Los feliz to m cafe walks, when i got in an argument over the phone with a guy i’ve made out with recently. we were on the phone, i was feeling especially sensitive and needy (i blame the full moon, but that’s just me) and he didn’t respond exactly how i wanted- so i got really grumpy and hung up on him. what an asshole! i didn’t know how to snap out of it. i looked around me and my only options on the corner of santa monica blvd. and la brea were baja fresh, Starbucks, and target….why am i saying “only options”? i was practically in heaven. all i had to choose was which order i approached each one. i chose baja fresh first to get rid of my decrease in blood sugar-which was probably another reason i was such a grouchy bitch (but i still wont admit i did anything wrong-cuz he should have dealt with me better.) then Starbucks because sometimes coffee with only half and half with no sugar can be considered a dessert, and finally target! target is no longer something we have to mis-pronounce as :tar-jay” we’ve accepted it as awesome and now it’s just target again. i can’t wait for this to happen with forever 21. I’m so sick of whispering when people ask me where i got my dress. one day, ladies. one day. oh well, rome wasn’t built in a day. so there i was, at target. alone, with no dude to call. i could wander for hours and no one could tell me otherwise. mecca. i saw a slightly over sized boyfriend sweater that looked super expensive and did not scream target at all. and on me, you might even think i bought it at opening ceremony….(PS: i had no idea ooga booga sold opening ceremony, did you?) anyway-i quickly got distracted when i spotted the very slender figure of a dude in dark denim, white sneakers, and a very worn white t shirt with a green and black plaid fitted flannel over it. oh shit! this was an exciting day! I followed the super cute boy all around the store, and finally when I got up the courage to ask to take his picture (for this, for you, so you could see what i saw), he said no. why were men being such monsters today? it couldn’t have been me. I guess not everyone in la wants their picture taken. He asked me what it was for. he said he didn’t want to end up on the Internet with his face on someone else’s naked body. I freaked out and told him it was an extra credit school assignment that I’m doing about cute boys in good outfits who wear dark denim,plaid button ups, and white sneakers! i am a liar. His grandma asked what school I go to-i wanted to say “why are you here with your mom or grandma or whoever she is-aren’t u like 25?” But the first thing outta my mouth was “cal arts”. I don’t go to cal arts. And if I did, I wouldn’t be doing extra credit. I prayed he wasn’t a student there. He seemed perplexed and looked at me dauntingly-so I blurted out “I’m not out to ruin your life! i promise! just look at my haircut! I’m on your side!” he shook his head and said no. I wished him well, and continued shopping! And when I did I found these, like god was winking at me: 

i mean, can you believe it! these are in the mens section at TARGET! just look at the pocket detail! they come in size small too! dude’s, run as quickly as you can! i would if i could!


Dallas Clayton is an amazing guy. He also wrote “An Awesome Book”. This is a Christmas gift that will even make the king of the jerks smile! Buy 1 today! You totally won’t regret it. Merry Christmas! 

An Awesome Book from dallas clayton on Vimeo.

sometimes i look like a monster:

Some boys are annoying and think it’s ok to pull a friendly drop by! to me, this is my worst nightmare! i don’t wanna be caught in my pajamas with pimple medication on, looking like a monster! that’s why i made the decision that my house must always be neat and tidy. i clean the tub every time i use it, even though i don’t expect a guest. i take out the trash when it’s full and/or make sure there’s nothing that appears yucky lurking in there that someone might see. i do my dishes. i swiffer. i make my bed and change my sheets! you just NEVER KNOW! this goes hand in hand with the upkeep of shaving your legs! i threw away any American apparel sweat pants I may have ever owned. i only wear night gowns now. long ones, for when i feel like a fat bloated monster. and silky short ones, for when i feel like a beautiful monster. but the facial masks and spot treatment will always be part of my life. they keep my face tight and prevent breakouts. for the love of god, I’m trying to do this facial maintenance on my downtime- away from boys, so that they wont see this side of me. and then they’re gonna try to pull a creepazoid drop by!? shit! well, like i said, i guess we always have to be ready then! as long as the ugly night time wardrobe doesn’t exist, and you’re looking adorable style-wise, the mask and spot stuff can easily be washed off. keep an eyelash curler handy, throw on one fast brush of mascara (brownish-black for a natural look), some vanilla flavored bonne bell chapstick or kiehls lip balm #1, brush your teeth/swish some mouthwash, or at least spray some of that breath spray i told you to always have around…and open the door, looking fashionably flustered like only a hot babe can, and punch that douchbag in the face! i mean, a drop by? are you serious?! not cool! i never drop by ANYBODIES house because it catches people off guard, and not in a good way! plus, you’re likely to see something gross that you didn’t wanna see. years and years ago, i was at a guys house, and i hadn’t even dropped by! i just showed up 3 minutes too early. i went to wash my hands and saw…..i don’t even wanna type this, but i have to….that he hadn’t flushed the fucking toilet. to this day, i haven’t forgotten and i also never make direct eye contact with a guys toilet bowl. when i go into the bathroom: i just look at myself in the mirror, put on lip gloss, make sure my face is in place, do a teeth and nostril check, make sure nothing embarrassing is going on, and i get the hell outta there. earlier this year, i was dating a 21 year old boy. one night we were engaged in some light texting, and he made a joke saying that he was gonna come over. at least i thought it was a joke! i
“yeah right. no you’re not.” he replied “you’re right, I’m not.” i was relieved. until he textedalexi….it’s opposite day.” and then there was a knock at the door. fuck! i couldn’t believe it! at least i had caramel scented candles lit. i was so fucking annoyed. i opened the door and there he stood- with a big goofy 21 year old guy who knows that he’s good looking smile on his face. i told him how this wasn’t OK, that i was furious, that i really don’t like drop-bys, that i was in the middle of something………… and then i had sex with him.


Like it or not, the size of your thighs defines your importance on the value scale of being sexy or not/worthy of desire. when did this begin exactly? i mean, let’s face it, it’s been chic to be skinny for a LONG time. look at the rolling stones and the edie sedgewick/warhol scene! duh. this is nothing new. this post is just a snapshot/a portrait of something that continues to be true. I’m not saying that it’s ok to be fat, cuz it’s totally not! when did this blog become a pro-anorexia website? yikes.  but, you know what i mean. when 2 girls are next to each other and their level of cute factor is the same and their personality is about even…the deciding factor of which girl wins the attention-is ultimately based on whose thighs are smaller. you’ve gotta have a pretty winning personality to trump the other bitch OR be famous! famous will win every time. a better outfit won’t hurt either. but I’m basing this on 2 lame, non famous, equally boring bitches. because of this, I’ve started walking again. (did i just accidentally refer to MYSELF as a non famous, boring bitch? whoops. blogging is dangerous!) walking in new york was so much easier. it’s like Disneyland over there. i felt so safe in a crowd of other walking people. looking at other girls as incentive, getting outfit ideas, eyeing dudes. getting pissed off at the size of THEIR thighs! now I’m back in la, and hating gyms and any and all forms of exercise is a problem to achieving the body I’d like. however, all that talk about exercise is lame to me-because the body i idolize is one that can only be achieved through starvation and drugs. the ‘lazy beautiful’ look. the girl who is so weak, she can barely raise a cigarette to her lips. so, the only super caj (casual) exercise and weight loss regime i can try-(as a girl who doesn’t smoke or do drugs or go to the gym) is to a.) eat less, and b.) be dropped off somewhere in la, without a car, and be forced to walk home. and so that’s what I’ve been doing. these walks help me think. i try to appear deep in thought and very confident- even though I’m hyper aware of every move i make. every swing of my arms. “does my hand in my left pocket and the other holding my blackberry look natural? i hope so”. i don’t try to text and walk at the same time, OR the ultimate lame maneuver-trying to (pretending to) read a book while i walk, cuz that shit is ridiculous. have you ever seen a person doing that? i have! it was a guy. if i’d had a dick, i would have had an instant hard off. that shit is worse than the dude with the laptop at a coffee house talking about writing a screen play. crazers! so, i just walk. and as long as my hands are accounted for, i don’t make too much eye contact with crazies, and ignore the pick-up truck trolling me, I’m cool. 


Attention attention attention! Listen bitches! we have to get our acts together! they’re onto us. our games, our freak outs, our tantrums. they have an opinion! this is a very special edition of ‘boys boys boys”. this post is the debut of what will be a weekly segment entitled “what dudes hate about girls”. I’m infiltrating from the inside! let’s all learn something new about ourselves! and if we don’t like the suggestion, we don’t have to listen at all! here’s what this adorable, hip, young, entrepreneur has to say:

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

So you’re in a relationship with a guy that you have luke warm feelings for? hmmm…….are you fucking kidding me? good enough isn’t good enough! the idea that not all people have experienced deep, true, epic love is mind blowingly sad to me! Let’s get you true love!
DON’T SETTLE: you shouldn’t be luke warm about a guy!!!! After a few dates you should know what he is to you. he’ll fall into one of the following categories: a guy who’s stupid, but has a big dick and you only want him for sex. or he’s cute, stylish, arm candy, totally whatevs.
or he’s a dude you might really like, but he’s super aloof with you and can barely reply to your texts and you just know he doesn’t like you. Which, HOPEFULLY, if you’re not like me-should be a turn off. OR, he’s a time filler/warm body. OR he’s a REALLY funny guy, but you should just be friends, cuz ultimately you’d be humiliated if you were seen in public together and mistaken as a couple. OR, he’s rebound dude/good kisser.
*** To me, the love of your life is this: He makes you nervous. you can’t stop thinking about him. you have 3 hour long phone conversations. he beats you (just kidding-wanna make sure you’re paying attention). He’s like medicine! you can’t stop talking about him. you can’t wait to see him again. you two wanna be together all the time. The sex is great. you love how he smells. you love how his skin feels. you love the way he thinks. He makes you laugh. you believe in him. All this should be MUTUAL! One sided will not work! However, it’s ok if there is a power shift from time to time. Who holds the cards will change-this keeps it sexy and interesting. If someone asks you if you’re crazy about him-if you even hesitate for a split second-it’s a lame dud waste of time and you just answered your own question. Walk the fuck away. Peace out! you just did both of yourselves a favor. your true love should make your life better. He should be a facilitator of dreams!

BOTTOM LINE: i think it’s sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes….but don’t get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you’re too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I’m serious. dead serious. fyi: i don’t mean to be a weirdo slut, but i think that flings are important because the essence of a person you get during a makeout, the side that you get to meet, the things that they say…are like priceless gems. you’re collecting intimate experiences. you’ve become an intimacy collector. and if you’re going to give up this aspect of yourself, if you’re going to give up this opportunity to share private moments with sexy dudes that could possibly resemble a member of the strokes circa 2001 or Michael pitt…..to be monogamous…..YOU BEST BE IN LOVE MUTHAH-FUCKAH! or else it’s not worth it!

I’m not allowed to be sad:

Today I’m on my way home from new york. i was here shooting a movie. it was great, and now it gets even better…i get to fly VIRGIN AMERICA!!!! yayzers! i truly feel that anything Richard Branson touches is golden! i love you!

Here’s me, trying to keep busy during the downtime. it’s like audrina on the hills once said- sometimes you have to be your own best friend. or maybe that was whitney or lauren or heidi. never mind! fuck i love that show! anyways: People are dying,children are starving, and I can’t find the perfect outfit! My god, does it ever get easy??? I am a monster.

I went to the elizabeth peyton show at the new art museum. she’s my favorite painter. i think she’s boycrazy too.

On a side note, can I send my American apparel tote bag to the dry cleaners? I’m at a crossroads cuz I REALLY don’t want it to shrink in the wash, but its sooo dirty and needs to be cleaned. I wonder if everyone can tell how filthy my tote bag is, or if its just me? just another thing weighing me down and is quite honestly, borderline shameful. I let you know what happens.

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:

11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck!
Cuz I can’t tell anymore.
12. take a bath in
epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.

13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out yo
ur new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though
I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in yo
ur life. Toss ’em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of yo
ur feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!
18. even if u aren’t letting people hurt yo
ur feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and
I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/
TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:
dazed and confused
broken english
when harry met sally
valley girl
16 candles
pretty in pink
notting hill
high fidelity
last days of disco
my wife is an actress
my so called life
arrested development
Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret
unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary
truth or dare
project runway
the hills
beverly hills 90210-old school version
tim guns guide to style
30 rock
freaks and geeks
conan o’brian
(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.

2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!

3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!

Dude of the day!!!!!

Dude of the day: that guy! What’s his deal? What does he know that I don’t? Probably everything! Look at him smoke! Like he doesn’t even give a fuck! If this guy wore a name tag, that name tag would say “the way to be”. And it wouldn’t be lying! No joke. I’m in love! And I think my eyes are pregnant! Who the fuck does he think he is? The president of my vadge!? Well, he is now! I surrender! Vote for this guy. He’s it!! who is he? click HERE to find out!

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