skinny:

Like it or not, the size of your thighs defines your importance on the value scale of being sexy or not/worthy of desire. when did this begin exactly? i mean, let’s face it, it’s been chic to be skinny for a LONG time. look at the rolling stones and the edie sedgewick/warhol scene! duh. this is nothing new. this post is just a snapshot/a portrait of something that continues to be true. I’m not saying that it’s ok to be fat, cuz it’s totally not! when did this blog become a pro-anorexia website? yikes.  but, you know what i mean. when 2 girls are next to each other and their level of cute factor is the same and their personality is about even…the deciding factor of which girl wins the attention-is ultimately based on whose thighs are smaller. you’ve gotta have a pretty winning personality to trump the other bitch OR be famous! famous will win every time. a better outfit won’t hurt either. but I’m basing this on 2 lame, non famous, equally boring bitches. because of this, I’ve started walking again. (did i just accidentally refer to MYSELF as a non famous, boring bitch? whoops. blogging is dangerous!) walking in new york was so much easier. it’s like Disneyland over there. i felt so safe in a crowd of other walking people. looking at other girls as incentive, getting outfit ideas, eyeing dudes. getting pissed off at the size of THEIR thighs! now I’m back in la, and hating gyms and any and all forms of exercise is a problem to achieving the body I’d like. however, all that talk about exercise is lame to me-because the body i idolize is one that can only be achieved through starvation and drugs. the ‘lazy beautiful’ look. the girl who is so weak, she can barely raise a cigarette to her lips. so, the only super caj (casual) exercise and weight loss regime i can try-(as a girl who doesn’t smoke or do drugs or go to the gym) is to a.) eat less, and b.) be dropped off somewhere in la, without a car, and be forced to walk home. and so that’s what I’ve been doing. these walks help me think. i try to appear deep in thought and very confident- even though I’m hyper aware of every move i make. every swing of my arms. “does my hand in my left pocket and the other holding my blackberry look natural? i hope so”. i don’t try to text and walk at the same time, OR the ultimate lame maneuver-trying to (pretending to) read a book while i walk, cuz that shit is ridiculous. have you ever seen a person doing that? i have! it was a guy. if i’d had a dick, i would have had an instant hard off. that shit is worse than the dude with the laptop at a coffee house talking about writing a screen play. crazers! so, i just walk. and as long as my hands are accounted for, i don’t make too much eye contact with crazies, and ignore the pick-up truck trolling me, I’m cool. 

WHAT DUDES HATE ABOUT GIRLS:

Attention attention attention! Listen bitches! we have to get our acts together! they’re onto us. our games, our freak outs, our tantrums. they have an opinion! this is a very special edition of ‘boys boys boys”. this post is the debut of what will be a weekly segment entitled “what dudes hate about girls”. I’m infiltrating from the inside! let’s all learn something new about ourselves! and if we don’t like the suggestion, we don’t have to listen at all! here’s what this adorable, hip, young, entrepreneur has to say:

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

So you’re in a relationship with a guy that you have luke warm feelings for? hmmm…….are you fucking kidding me? good enough isn’t good enough! the idea that not all people have experienced deep, true, epic love is mind blowingly sad to me! Let’s get you true love!
DON’T SETTLE: you shouldn’t be luke warm about a guy!!!! After a few dates you should know what he is to you. he’ll fall into one of the following categories: a guy who’s stupid, but has a big dick and you only want him for sex. or he’s cute, stylish, arm candy, totally whatevs.
or he’s a dude you might really like, but he’s super aloof with you and can barely reply to your texts and you just know he doesn’t like you. Which, HOPEFULLY, if you’re not like me-should be a turn off. OR, he’s a time filler/warm body. OR he’s a REALLY funny guy, but you should just be friends, cuz ultimately you’d be humiliated if you were seen in public together and mistaken as a couple. OR, he’s rebound dude/good kisser.
*** To me, the love of your life is this: He makes you nervous. you can’t stop thinking about him. you have 3 hour long phone conversations. he beats you (just kidding-wanna make sure you’re paying attention). He’s like medicine! you can’t stop talking about him. you can’t wait to see him again. you two wanna be together all the time. The sex is great. you love how he smells. you love how his skin feels. you love the way he thinks. He makes you laugh. you believe in him. All this should be MUTUAL! One sided will not work! However, it’s ok if there is a power shift from time to time. Who holds the cards will change-this keeps it sexy and interesting. If someone asks you if you’re crazy about him-if you even hesitate for a split second-it’s a lame dud waste of time and you just answered your own question. Walk the fuck away. Peace out! you just did both of yourselves a favor. your true love should make your life better. He should be a facilitator of dreams!


BOTTOM LINE: i think it’s sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes….but don’t get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you’re too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I’m serious. dead serious. fyi: i don’t mean to be a weirdo slut, but i think that flings are important because the essence of a person you get during a makeout, the side that you get to meet, the things that they say…are like priceless gems. you’re collecting intimate experiences. you’ve become an intimacy collector. and if you’re going to give up this aspect of yourself, if you’re going to give up this opportunity to share private moments with sexy dudes that could possibly resemble a member of the strokes circa 2001 or Michael pitt…..to be monogamous…..YOU BEST BE IN LOVE MUTHAH-FUCKAH! or else it’s not worth it!

I’m not allowed to be sad:

Today I’m on my way home from new york. i was here shooting a movie. it was great, and now it gets even better…i get to fly VIRGIN AMERICA!!!! yayzers! i truly feel that anything Richard Branson touches is golden! i love you!












Here’s me, trying to keep busy during the downtime. it’s like audrina on the hills once said- sometimes you have to be your own best friend. or maybe that was whitney or lauren or heidi. never mind! fuck i love that show! anyways: People are dying,children are starving, and I can’t find the perfect outfit! My god, does it ever get easy??? I am a monster.


I went to the elizabeth peyton show at the new art museum. she’s my favorite painter. i think she’s boycrazy too.



On a side note, can I send my American apparel tote bag to the dry cleaners? I’m at a crossroads cuz I REALLY don’t want it to shrink in the wash, but its sooo dirty and needs to be cleaned. I wonder if everyone can tell how filthy my tote bag is, or if its just me? just another thing weighing me down and is quite honestly, borderline shameful. I let you know what happens.

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:


11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck!
Cuz I can’t tell anymore.
12. take a bath in
epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.


13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out yo
ur new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though
I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in yo
ur life. Toss ’em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of yo
ur feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!
18. even if u aren’t letting people hurt yo
ur feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and
I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/
TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:
dazed and confused
broken english
when harry met sally
valley girl
16 candles
moonstruck
pretty in pink
notting hill
high fidelity
metropolitan
last days of disco
my wife is an actress
closer
my so called life
felicity
arrested development
Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret
unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary
truth or dare
project runway
the hills
beverly hills 90210-old school version
tim guns guide to style
house
30 rock
freaks and geeks
conan o’brian
(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.


2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!


3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!

Dude of the day!!!!!

Dude of the day: that guy! What’s his deal? What does he know that I don’t? Probably everything! Look at him smoke! Like he doesn’t even give a fuck! If this guy wore a name tag, that name tag would say “the way to be”. And it wouldn’t be lying! No joke. I’m in love! And I think my eyes are pregnant! Who the fuck does he think he is? The president of my vadge!? Well, he is now! I surrender! Vote for this guy. He’s it!! who is he? click HERE to find out!

there’s no shame in my game:

Boycrazy in new york city!
PS: is anyone else as excited as i am about the new “Hills” spin off called “the city”? don’t lie!

APC: the whole foods of the clothing stores- for scoping out dudes. Artfags galore! i love it! pea coats, green military jackets with fur trimmed hoods. And the quirkier you look, and the more androgynous you appear-the better! Bizarre faces rule in this ‘antithesis of paris hilton’ establishment! which is rad for me because I feel somewhat offbeat and quirky looking. It’s super expensive, so meander and pout, but try not to buy anything! Why is it soo fucking expensive? i don’t know. it just is. If you wanna recreate apc looks for cheaper; shop at club monaco/uniqlo/j crew/4 ever 21/hm/even target. i just hope you pick out the right pieces. I’m sure you’ll be fine. watch out for cheap looking plastic buttons and bad plastic-y looking fake leather. too much sheen can be a problem. now I’m worried. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
what’s with girls who lie about where they got an article of clothing? 

ME:”Where’d you get your sweater? I absolutely love it!”
HER:”Um” clearly about to lie “it’s vintage.” or “I can’t remember, I bought it ages ago.” Or “it used to be my moms, from when she was my age!” 
Bullshit! you, just don’t want me to rush out and buy it too! And you know what I have to say to that? Bravo! I have to shop harder! I love you.
when shopping, don’t buy right away if it’s crazy expensive or the return policy is bogus. Walk away, have a think, and if you can’t get the said item out of your head, buy it! This theory does not apply to pizza or desserts though! Stay away from those! Oh yeah, and don’t smoke either. Even if it aids you in being super skinny! I don’t care. It’ll wreck your face! Do you wanna look busted at 27? Fuck no! Moisturize moisturize moisturize! Quit the cigs and become a Pilate’s master/macrobiotic/ do-gooder instead! Whatever makes you look fierce and other girls jealous of you. This blog is meant to be an inspiring slap in the face!!! A virtual pep talk! Why wait until new years for resolutions? Look at yourself in the mirror now, and get it the fuck together bitches!!!

Boycrazing spots nyc: whole foods on Houston- the second floor is like a heightened version of a high school cafeteria scene in a john Hughes film. Balthazar, outside bench-Buy a coffee from the take out section, sit and linger on the bench outside, check out the dudes that walk by!
Christmas is coming! I’m so excited! there will be an entire post dedicated to mistletoe and instigating a makeout without appearing like the desperate slut you may or may not REALLY be! just you wait! also, if a boy makes you a mix cd-it either means he REALLY likes you OR, he had 6 minutes to burn and wants to have sex with you! i hope it’s the first one, for your sake.

How to get what you want:

I was in a relationship for 5 years! i was too young to be playing house, but I’ll never say i regret the experience because i learned a lot, traveled the world, and learned what i DON’T want for myself. there was blackout drinking, anger, fighting, jealousy, and rages mistaken for/disguised as passion. and in august 2007, we broke up. he was in a band. he was everything i thought i wanted: skinny, angry, successful, reminded me of my dad, dressed cool. he even had an accent. i was born and raised in Hollywood, and he was from Melbourne Australia. sure there were countless cultural differences, and he just barely understood my sense of humor (not to worry-i just developed an alternate personality that didn’t make him mad-and when i couldn’t keep that up, and reverted back to being myself, we fought. no big deal. i was so proud when i discovered i was a changeling and could morph my personality to serve whatever situation i was in.) but, so what! we looked good on paper, and i was convinced this was what i wanted. we had moved in together, he paid for most of the stuff. i was in sooo deep. leaving would have been sooo hard. how would i be able to extricate myself from the situation? when it was good it was great, and when it was bad, i wanted to die. i even cried in the dark during sex once. and i was so covert about it, he didn’t even notice! am i rad or what?! one new years eve we went to a party at that girl from no doubts house! it was a rager! i was drinking, and so was he. i only drank every once in a while, and normally i was a fun drunk, but when the 2 of us were together, with unresolved resentment just barely lurking under the surface, alcohol was our worst enemy. it ended with us in a limo amongst friends and acquaintances, him calling me a c***t and me throwing a glass of vodka and ice in his face while sitting not 1 foot away from him. yikes, that must have hurt. I’m sorry. i jumped out of the limo and started running up Bronson. the car stopped and i was dragged back in. we continued dating for 2 more years. we were even engaged. but in august of 07, i left. and that’s when i became the mayor of excitement city. i got my own place, remembered i had friends, and started dating like crazy! blind dates, recaps with my girlfriends the next morning over coffee! i was a woman! and obviously trying to recreate carrie bradshaws life! and now, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. 

whole foods-where u can pick up more than just groceries:

I just met a guy who, when i asked if he could see the pimple on my chin, said “no. i just thought it was face cancer.” he’s out of town working right now, but i can’t stop thinking about him. I’ll let you know how it goes. now onto more dude stalking tips:
Wake up! U wanna look for a dude at albertsons or Ralph’s!? Why!? Its low brow. Erewhon! co-op! whole foods! Bristol farms! This is where magic happens. Nicer outfits. high brow. Always look at shoes. 5 o’clock shadow, American apparel deep v’s! their ray-bans or ksubi’s attached to neckline (careful not to crush them if you hug. men hate that. sunglasses are expensive you monster!) simplicity is key. Acne denim. Patch pockets. And hopefully u won’t see any of those way too complicated/ over designed back pockets with flaps. Those aren’t ok! Not even on a gay man! FYI: your best gay male friend should look just as good (if not BETTER) than what you want in a boyfriend. The only difference is, your boyfriend shouldn’t suck dick (not even in private/behind closed doors at bath houses.) Anyway, If u don’t meet a potential dinner date/makeout here-you might find a super snazzy gay guy friend. The truth is, I actually prefer gay men! I can be free to be me, and there’s no sexual tension!!! Gay men are the best! I’m not kidding. But let’s not get side tracked: I’ve met an entire slew of sexy young boy babes that I ended up making out with, just by hanging out at the whole foods salad bar on fairfax! Did I waste a lot of time? Maybe! Did I catch any diseases? No. Plus, I was like 18 years old and figuring out what I was all about/who I was. So, idle time and eating a bit too much, sprinkled with insecurity/people watching/and sexual tension was on the program. Now, go to the closest high brow market, and start making eyes. one time i saw vincent gallo. he came around the bend and our carts nearly collided. what did i do? i mouthed i love you and made silent eye contact for exactly 2 and a half seconds. i’m sure he’s blogging about it as we speak! See you tomorrow my beautiful babies!