PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.


2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!


3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!

Dude of the day!!!!!

Dude of the day: that guy! What’s his deal? What does he know that I don’t? Probably everything! Look at him smoke! Like he doesn’t even give a fuck! If this guy wore a name tag, that name tag would say “the way to be”. And it wouldn’t be lying! No joke. I’m in love! And I think my eyes are pregnant! Who the fuck does he think he is? The president of my vadge!? Well, he is now! I surrender! Vote for this guy. He’s it!! who is he? click HERE to find out!

there’s no shame in my game:

Boycrazy in new york city!
PS: is anyone else as excited as i am about the new “Hills” spin off called “the city”? don’t lie!

APC: the whole foods of the clothing stores- for scoping out dudes. Artfags galore! i love it! pea coats, green military jackets with fur trimmed hoods. And the quirkier you look, and the more androgynous you appear-the better! Bizarre faces rule in this ‘antithesis of paris hilton’ establishment! which is rad for me because I feel somewhat offbeat and quirky looking. It’s super expensive, so meander and pout, but try not to buy anything! Why is it soo fucking expensive? i don’t know. it just is. If you wanna recreate apc looks for cheaper; shop at club monaco/uniqlo/j crew/4 ever 21/hm/even target. i just hope you pick out the right pieces. I’m sure you’ll be fine. watch out for cheap looking plastic buttons and bad plastic-y looking fake leather. too much sheen can be a problem. now I’m worried. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
what’s with girls who lie about where they got an article of clothing? 

ME:”Where’d you get your sweater? I absolutely love it!”
HER:”Um” clearly about to lie “it’s vintage.” or “I can’t remember, I bought it ages ago.” Or “it used to be my moms, from when she was my age!” 
Bullshit! you, just don’t want me to rush out and buy it too! And you know what I have to say to that? Bravo! I have to shop harder! I love you.
when shopping, don’t buy right away if it’s crazy expensive or the return policy is bogus. Walk away, have a think, and if you can’t get the said item out of your head, buy it! This theory does not apply to pizza or desserts though! Stay away from those! Oh yeah, and don’t smoke either. Even if it aids you in being super skinny! I don’t care. It’ll wreck your face! Do you wanna look busted at 27? Fuck no! Moisturize moisturize moisturize! Quit the cigs and become a Pilate’s master/macrobiotic/ do-gooder instead! Whatever makes you look fierce and other girls jealous of you. This blog is meant to be an inspiring slap in the face!!! A virtual pep talk! Why wait until new years for resolutions? Look at yourself in the mirror now, and get it the fuck together bitches!!!

Boycrazing spots nyc: whole foods on Houston- the second floor is like a heightened version of a high school cafeteria scene in a john Hughes film. Balthazar, outside bench-Buy a coffee from the take out section, sit and linger on the bench outside, check out the dudes that walk by!
Christmas is coming! I’m so excited! there will be an entire post dedicated to mistletoe and instigating a makeout without appearing like the desperate slut you may or may not REALLY be! just you wait! also, if a boy makes you a mix cd-it either means he REALLY likes you OR, he had 6 minutes to burn and wants to have sex with you! i hope it’s the first one, for your sake.

How to get what you want:

I was in a relationship for 5 years! i was too young to be playing house, but I’ll never say i regret the experience because i learned a lot, traveled the world, and learned what i DON’T want for myself. there was blackout drinking, anger, fighting, jealousy, and rages mistaken for/disguised as passion. and in august 2007, we broke up. he was in a band. he was everything i thought i wanted: skinny, angry, successful, reminded me of my dad, dressed cool. he even had an accent. i was born and raised in Hollywood, and he was from Melbourne Australia. sure there were countless cultural differences, and he just barely understood my sense of humor (not to worry-i just developed an alternate personality that didn’t make him mad-and when i couldn’t keep that up, and reverted back to being myself, we fought. no big deal. i was so proud when i discovered i was a changeling and could morph my personality to serve whatever situation i was in.) but, so what! we looked good on paper, and i was convinced this was what i wanted. we had moved in together, he paid for most of the stuff. i was in sooo deep. leaving would have been sooo hard. how would i be able to extricate myself from the situation? when it was good it was great, and when it was bad, i wanted to die. i even cried in the dark during sex once. and i was so covert about it, he didn’t even notice! am i rad or what?! one new years eve we went to a party at that girl from no doubts house! it was a rager! i was drinking, and so was he. i only drank every once in a while, and normally i was a fun drunk, but when the 2 of us were together, with unresolved resentment just barely lurking under the surface, alcohol was our worst enemy. it ended with us in a limo amongst friends and acquaintances, him calling me a c***t and me throwing a glass of vodka and ice in his face while sitting not 1 foot away from him. yikes, that must have hurt. I’m sorry. i jumped out of the limo and started running up Bronson. the car stopped and i was dragged back in. we continued dating for 2 more years. we were even engaged. but in august of 07, i left. and that’s when i became the mayor of excitement city. i got my own place, remembered i had friends, and started dating like crazy! blind dates, recaps with my girlfriends the next morning over coffee! i was a woman! and obviously trying to recreate carrie bradshaws life! and now, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. 

whole foods-where u can pick up more than just groceries:

I just met a guy who, when i asked if he could see the pimple on my chin, said “no. i just thought it was face cancer.” he’s out of town working right now, but i can’t stop thinking about him. I’ll let you know how it goes. now onto more dude stalking tips:
Wake up! U wanna look for a dude at albertsons or Ralph’s!? Why!? Its low brow. Erewhon! co-op! whole foods! Bristol farms! This is where magic happens. Nicer outfits. high brow. Always look at shoes. 5 o’clock shadow, American apparel deep v’s! their ray-bans or ksubi’s attached to neckline (careful not to crush them if you hug. men hate that. sunglasses are expensive you monster!) simplicity is key. Acne denim. Patch pockets. And hopefully u won’t see any of those way too complicated/ over designed back pockets with flaps. Those aren’t ok! Not even on a gay man! FYI: your best gay male friend should look just as good (if not BETTER) than what you want in a boyfriend. The only difference is, your boyfriend shouldn’t suck dick (not even in private/behind closed doors at bath houses.) Anyway, If u don’t meet a potential dinner date/makeout here-you might find a super snazzy gay guy friend. The truth is, I actually prefer gay men! I can be free to be me, and there’s no sexual tension!!! Gay men are the best! I’m not kidding. But let’s not get side tracked: I’ve met an entire slew of sexy young boy babes that I ended up making out with, just by hanging out at the whole foods salad bar on fairfax! Did I waste a lot of time? Maybe! Did I catch any diseases? No. Plus, I was like 18 years old and figuring out what I was all about/who I was. So, idle time and eating a bit too much, sprinkled with insecurity/people watching/and sexual tension was on the program. Now, go to the closest high brow market, and start making eyes. one time i saw vincent gallo. he came around the bend and our carts nearly collided. what did i do? i mouthed i love you and made silent eye contact for exactly 2 and a half seconds. i’m sure he’s blogging about it as we speak! See you tomorrow my beautiful babies!

The size of my thighs, and other things no one cares about:

When did everyone start using the term ‘boning’? i know it was used in the 80’s and stuff, but it’s back in a major way and I’m just not clear on when it began to resurface. at first i was appalled and totally not a fan. but just like the rest of pop culture, it’s seeped through and penetrated my soul. and for the same reason i watch the hills and am now blogging, i use the word ‘boning’ instead of/ more than 1. fucking, 2. making love 3. having sex 4. doing it. if only it was this easy to become anorexic!


^ This is what you get when boys like you.

^  AND custom starbucks.

Make it happen/Keep it sexy, bitches:

Being single can be one of the most awesomely amazing things in the whole wide world…..so if you’re alone and feeling bummed out about it, lets change that! turn looking for men into a competitive sport. it’ll give you incentive to maintaining your figure, face, and privates. if you’re overweight, lose it! if you have an overgrown monster 70’s retro bush, wax that shit. Jesus! what’s wrong with you? make yourself alluring. manicures, pedicures, haircuts, color, just enough makeup to look like you’re not wearing makeup- but appear all pulled together: mascara,tinted moisturizer, lip gloss (not sticky)! if you have acne: see a dermatologist, consider accutane! pick super cute outfits that make you feel sexy and hip when you walk out your front door. and for the love of god, don’t pick at your face or binge eat! when you’ve got that all sorted, and if you live in the Los Angeles area, you should go to amoeba records, walk up the stairs to the 2nd floor and pretend to listen to Cd’s at the listening dock. what it REALLY is- is  a top notch vantage point for super creepy dude predators like you and me. hairshakers, shaggy headed, plaid flannel/dark denim wearing, white tennis shoe sportin’ dudes and lesbians are aimlessly milling about looking for cds like a bunch of assholes…. they have no clue you’re picking them out of a lineup. when you find a hot babe (i use babe to describe any sexy person in your eyes), walk back down the stairs (I’m even helping you lose the saddlebags in your man quest) and casually and as nonchalantly as possible, make your way to his row. act aloof and blase, except for occasional flirty eye contact, drop a cd maybe, (looking like there’s a gleam of fire behind your eyes will really help too-practice doing this in front of the mirror at home during down time), and hope he’s not married, gay, or just repulsed by the idea of your vadge! I’m so excited for you. let me know how it goes. this is business.

The Next Day…


So it’s the day after Thanksgiving. I’m hoping none of us gained over 4 pounds. I hate how hard people try to make you fat during holidays. i went on a date last night, and every time his grandmother offered me pie-it was borderline relentless, i would just point to my date and say that he said i wasn’t allowed or else I’d have to walk home. that got her off my back, and yet i still feel guilty. there’s only so much layering black tights can do! they say sex burns calories, but it sounds too easy.


anywayzies, a few months ago i went to new york to see woody Allen play at the Carlyle hotel. he plays clarinet in a jazz band. they made a documentary about it called “wild man blues”. i went alone. flew to NY on a Monday, arrived in the city at 5pm, the show started at 8pm, and i was due to leave at 6am the next morning. my goal was to meet woody Allen. to speak to him, to have him look me in the eye. to have an experience, a memory that no one could ever take away from me. (really, i wanted him to see me, fall in love with me like he has with scarlet j, and put me in every movie he makes till he dies……) after he played, i stood by the door that the matradee said he would leave through. i walked up next to him, not being ugly helped, and I’m also a girl…..so the cards were in my favor. i was wearing a navy blue high waisted tulip skirt and a creme colored Marc by Marc Jacobs lace blouse. black tights and flats. i felt good. his big Italian looking security guy looked happy about me approaching, what a great day! I’m amazing! i said “that was great Mr. Allen.” Mr. Allen? who the fuck did i think i was? i was nervous. “oh, thank you.” he said. “can i ask you a potentially super embarrassing question?” “of course, what’s your name?” “Alexi” “yeah, but you have to talk louder, cuz I’ve been playing jazz all night and i can’t hear very well.” i leaned in to him, put my hand lightly on his arm, bent down a bit-I’m a towering 5’11, while he is not. “well, um, this is so unlike me, i swear to god, but if i don’t do this I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, and it’s just that you’re so hard to get to, so that’s why I’m acting like a crazy person and gonna ask you…um, really I’ve never done this, and don’t think I’m not judging myself as i do this…cuz i am, and normally i would be mortified, but….the only thing i want in the whole world is to be in one of your films. how would i go about doing that?” there! i did it! i jumped off the cliff, and behaved like someone i would normally ridicule and make fun of…but now i was that person. i guess you have to be “that person” everyone once in a while. woody Allen looked at me and smiled. i tried to look as cute and interesting and smart as i could while i held his gaze for those 15 seconds. he said “you wanna be in one of my movies” “yes, i can actually act and I’m very interesting looking” yes, i really said that! cuz wouldn’t you tell someone you admire how interesting YOU look in the only opportunity you might ever have to talk to them?! DUH! he smiled and laughed, and told me to send my head shot and resume to his office – he gave me a specific womans name, and said to write a note saying that we had met and had a chat at the Carlyle”…..blah blah blah……in an ideal world, what did i expect? probably a chauffeured Bentley to roll up and for me, woody and the Italian bodyguard dude to get in and go to JFK and immediately start shooting his new film with me as the lead….followed by the red carpet screening an hour after we wrap production, and flowers and champagne all for me! and rave reviews, etc….but this was what it was. and it was pretty exciting. all i had set out to do was to be brave enough to talk to woody Allen. he made stardust memories, Hannah and her sisters, Annie hall, Manhattan, etc. movies that have shaped the person I’ve grown up to be. films that are responsible for the way i think, taste, sense of humor, and even style. by now, hords of people were yelling for Woody’s autograph, and my ‘woody Allen and me’ bubble was about to be popped. so as he turned away to sign a book (without feathers), i slunk off into the night. i had an early plane to catch. Happy Thanksgiving.

Here’s a scene from the movie “King of Comedy”. I might as well be Sandra Bernhard and Woody Allen could easily be Jerry Lewis. Have a great summer, K.I.T, xoxo

I Like Boys……














I’ve been referred to as a manizer, a maneater (both literally and figuratively-yuck!), a flirt, a makeout bandit, out of control, blah blah blah. i won’t launch into the whole double standard between men and women! it is what it is, and so i choose not to care. i like looking at goodlooking boys. they’re everywhere: at target, video stores, newsstands, standing next to you, looking out at you from the pages of a magazine, record stores, the supermarket, EVERYWHERE! this blog is all about meeting boys, rendezvous, behavior which could be possibly be labeled as desperate and borderline stalker-esque…….but i promise, it will totally entertain you by either making you (the reader) feel better about yourself, or teaching you where the boys are, and what to do when you find one you wanna makeout with and possibly have sex with. don’t get aids though. use protection ladies, or gay boys, or whoever’s reading this post. i love you.




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