sneak peak: MEET KARL…..the cobrasnake’s grandpa!
coming soon….the cobrasnake’s grandpa! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
Get ready! later this week, i’ll be debuting an epic, in depth interview with mark the cobrasnake’s grandpa: Karl! until then, here’s a sneak peak. hear an experienced man BREAK IT DOWN on dating and how a woman should be treated! you’re welcome! xo
this is getting sad:
sometimes ALL you have is your computer and a fantasy/daydream! the dude you like TOTALLY isn’t calling you- so you’re left googling the shit out of him. i get it! it’s fine. we’ve all done it. we’ve all been there. but this isn’t real. just because Susan miller’s astrology website tells you that his being a Libra and you being an Aquarius is a perfect match, DOESN’T mean your love life is gonna be tied up in a bow! i think you should go on a long walk. i really do. you need some fresh air- you’re having a freak-out. stop refreshing your facebook and twitter pages! no one’s sent you a new message. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news/voice of reason and second grade logic that still holds up.
go outside and talk to a real person. wait till the dude you’ve got in your minds eye ACTUALLY calls you, or a close second, texts you. and if he DOES try to reach you, via twitter or the face book (which i personally feel is a dick AND pussy move)- I’m sure it will alert your blackberry I phone or whatever, so you don’t have to be glued to your desk waiting! move about the world. it’s good for you. i love you. xo
reminder for the girls:
i don’t know about you girls- but i wanna live a VERY full life, have lots of sex, make a lot of money (so i’m never at anyone elses whim), be happy, make a positive contribution to the world, surround myself with people i love and respect; who love and respect me- people who make me laugh/inspire me, and have friendships that are MUTUALLY rewarding emotionally! i want a boyfriend who makes me feel safe, encourages me in everything i do, is my best friend/sidekick, super sexy, and great in bed. no routines!
it’s important not to be boring, taken for granted, thought of as ‘old news’ or dull, clingy, un-fun, etc! it’s fucking hard as fuck to be a girl. now, then, and since forever! we buy creams, deal with the rationale that men age better than women and that women fall apart as the years go by…. we have to be beautiful 24/7, successful career-wise, bear/take care of the kids. we do it all.
something has shifted recently and women are turning into men! which is great. but it’s confusing. monogamy is hard… for WOMEN too! and after seeing ‘he’s just not that into you’, i’m compelled to reassess what i want in life- in a career AND from a man. i never really wanted to get married or have kids because i feel like there are too many other things to do……. and that marriage and kids are things i’ve been brainwashed into thinking i HAVE to do or HAVE to want. but for the same reason that compels me to try everything… i want to know what it feels like to make (well, i know HOW to MAKE a baby) i want to FEEL what it’s like to HAVE a baby….someday…but definitely not now! i’m still not sure about the marriage thing. to me, i feel like it’s the future… and there are no rules anymore. we live in a pick and choose era of what works on a case by case basis.
the idea of having a child NOW scares the shit out of me. the one time i let a guy cum in the condom while he was inside of me, it broke and i couldn’t have run faster to get the morning after pill. that was the first time i’ve ever taken it… and the last. it didn’t feel good emotionally. i kept waiting to feel sick, but i didn’t really….maybe a little synthetic and sluggish. but it’s poison. and i never want to be in that situation again.
the point is, we have so many choices and options as women. maybe even MORE than men. THEY can’t carry a child. just know how special you are and how many options you have. don’t take that for granted or be taken for granted…. ever.
holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!
Holy shit! I’m fucked! Why didn’t anyone tell me being single was a fucking war game, 24/7 battle alert! or did i just forget?! I already hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks before my breakup! Now it’s been about 3 weeks or MORE!
Boys are calling, but not only am I NOT ready emotionally to get slutty/i mean sexy/i mean intimate with someone- I’m totally not ready physically! I should really tone up my legs, shed 10 pounds, wax my vadge appropriately, and make sure my apartment is tidy at all times- swiffered and all. that means scrub tub, make sure there’s no hair in hairbrush- while it’s on display, and turn dream boards around – so some new/random dude i invite into my home doesn’t learn that one of my life goals is to become the white oprah, etc! PLUS: no picking at ingrown hairs on my bikini line!!! but I think I did that to make sure i wouldn’t get in a situation where I would allow myself to take my undies off. I don’t have herpes (YET) and I wouldn’t want people to think I do – all because they spot a blemish that I created, while playing doctor/hair removal specialist on myself!
-more single life reminders-
•Go to gym/start running- FAST
•Get a bathroom trash can that hides your yucky trash, not one that just sits there revealing weird stuff that, even if it’s not weird, could be misinterpreted. for example: if you blot your lipstick on a tissue, and throw it in the garbage, a guy could glance over and think the tissue is a bloody rag! think ladies, think! this is war! i mean, love! i mean, i don’t know what it is, but it’s time to start thinking!
•Get new car.
•Get new date outfits.
•Get maid to clean your house PROPERLY.
•ALWAYS wear a cute bra and undies!
•Buy condoms in all different shapes and sizes- cuz you never know when you’re gonna meet a guy with the biggest privates you’ve ever seen! and you can’t rely on a dude having condoms! so annoying! be prepared! cuz we girls love sex too! riiiight!
PS: if you’re ever forced to get ready at 1am to meet some dude at his hotel, and you look like shit- here’s a ‘how to’ guide for getting ready in a flash! xo
stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
i said i would do this for you (PART 2)- AKA: let me break up with your boyfriend!
So, a few weeks ago, i said i would help you.
last week i started to deliver your messages.
today i have a few more deliveries!
steven gained weight: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
for jade: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
sloppy monster: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
if i were a dude:
if I were a dude, I’d be doing all kinds of shit to impress the girlies. Little stuff that’s super easy for me to do, but goes a long way with girls- cuz dudes just aren’t very romantic nowadays. if i were a dude, you would freak out! i would be a heart breaker. i would dress to impress all the time but make sure there was no way i could ever, even for a second, be mistaken as gay. unless i WAS a gay dude, in which case- i would be openly out and proud! i would be epically gay and would make straight dudes bummed they weren’t gay! but that’s another post ALL TOGETHER!
if i were a dude, my name would be max, or Oliver, or Felix, maybe Sebastian, roman, or Vincent. i would make out with a different girl every day. every night. i would be dangerous! i would never be caught dead in flap pockets or jeans with embroiderey. only classic Levis, dark apc denim, those green parka jackets with the hoods with the fur trim, and calvin klein boxer breifs all the way! i would wear a slim fit tux WHENEVER necessary. i would wear suits everyday. i would never wear flip flops. but more importantly, i would make you laugh like a motherfucker AND be easy on the eyes!
i would always bring my dates flowers or even just a SINGLE flower. ANYTHING to look as though i added that extra bit of pizaz, cuz it’s so easy to do, and in reality requires no effort- and yet it is a gesture that goes a long way. even re-gifting an unopened bottle if perfume i got for free at work from a promo package or gift bag would be lovely and eazy peazy.
i would pick the girl up, make sure she got inside safely before driving off. (but that bitch BETTER know the lean over ‘door trick’ or she’s dead to me!) i would open the door for her, pay for our dates (but secretly want her to offer to pay, just to gauge what kind of person she is). i would ONLY let her pay on my birthday and surprise me with little prezzies and the occasional grocery list item though.
i would be a master at whatever my profession is. i would earn a lot of money, drive a hybrid or a range rover. maybe both, just to be confusing. i would go to the doctor and take care of myself. i wouldn’t be scared of the doctor! the doctor is there to take care of you! i would have health insurance. i wouldn’t have roommates, because i would want the place to myself so i could fuck whatever girl i wanted, whenever i wanted to, however i wanted! and because real men don’t have roommates. i would do sit ups, (not in a creepy American psycho way though) but NOT be a member of the gym. i would bike ride in outfits that look like I’m a cast member of Annie hall. white shorts (to the knee) and a white loose fitting thin worn crew neck t shirt. i would give every girl i ever came near an epic orgasm. as a man, this is a power i have. i would eat healthy and not drink soda pop. drive through dining would not be my lifestyle choice. in a pinch, i might go to baja fresh. in a pinch i said!
i would only commit to a girl if she was amazing and i was crazy in love with her. but until then, i would be a non aids catching Casanova. money would never be an issue because i make so much of it. but my broad wouldn’t be a broke weight on my shoulders either. she would be successful in her on right! i would not be a cheater because i would never be in a committed relationship if i felt the need for more, or had the desire to run from it. i would have awesome bros who inspire me to do the most with my life, time, thoughts. they would not be a bunch of lazy pot smoking monsters whose idea of an accomplished day is passing around the bong and a circle jerk!
if i were a dude, my privates would be somewhere between six and eight inches length wise, and the gurth of a genetically modified cucumber available at whole foods. visit whole foods if you don’t know what i mean. i wouldn’t want to be too big to scare a girl, or too small to be made fun of behind my back. occasionally i would drink alcohol, maybe a beer once a week. i wouldn’t smoke, and i would be great at fixing stuff- objects and meals! i would try not to be one of those guys who picks his nose when he drives, but if i did it would be TOTALLY less gross than if i were a girl. YUCK. i would want kids but not until i was like, 38. i’d be a tall, confidant, dynamo!
things would be so different if i were a dude, except for the tall part. i probably wouldn’t even date myself if a met me at a party. xo
if you’re not rich,famous, or goodlooking- you need a gimmick:
let’s cut the bullshit dude’s, if you’re not rich famous or good looking, you’re gonna need a god damn gimmick! no girl wants to fuck an ugly, poor, loser, with no drive or hope of a promising future! add a LACK of personality, sense of humor, money, style, charm, flair, social savvy, or quick wit to the list and you are one sorry/sad sack of shit- with definite potential to induce a clit-hard off . get it together motherfuckers! you’re gonna have to think fast, and that’s just what I’m here for. to help you get pussy. or at least to prevent the girls, who accidentally DO fuck you, from regretting it the next day/re-thinking their sexuality and maybe even their choice to go on living!
get a job you lazy, coach surfing, entitled, oaf! and rework your wardrobe while you’re at it! throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing. but you can mask this UGLY, WRONG, UNEDUCATED side of yourself, by following my advice. how about, for starters, you develop a skill? something you’re good at. think outside the box. try to MATTER. fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone. try, just try, to make a contribution- instead of being a waste of space with a severe pot, cocaine, or nitrus addiction. just putting that out there. do with it what you will.
i assume there is a certain kind of girl you like, and that’s why you’re here. i cater/speak to a certain demographic…i think. prove me wrong. I’m interested in knowing who is even reading this thing. so if you like girls named zoey and Chloe, sexy offbeat beauties, or just all gorgeous, smart, successful, stylish women of the world….they expect a lot. they don’t have to settle for a loser in dockers, sketchers, faded goodwill polo shirts, or flap pocket jeans with embroidery- TO SAY THE LEAST! if you want the TOP NOTCH pussy, you better work to your manly potential! i bet you could even go to target RIGHT NOW and throw a super cool outfit together for way less than going to apc or topman. i dare you! here’s the secret. dress like a gay dude, who happens to only like to eat pussy. have/develop a personality, ask questions, have a job that pays you and that you actually LIKE doing. the trick is to appear effortless, despite all the effort.
learn to be great at giving head, going down on a girl, eating pussy, sucking on vagina (don’t JUST/ONLY ‘suck’- it was a phrase, not the directions.) i once broke up with a guy cuz he never even offered to go down on me. i never even gave him the chance to be grossed out by me! if you are fucking/making love with a girl, YOU MUST OFFER TO LICK HER PRIVATES EVERY TIME! EVERY SESH! your goal should be to make her cum! over and over. not only will your stock soar with the girl in question, your word of mouth will be to die for! you have soooo much power when you are good at sucking pussy AND ACTUALLY GETTING THE GIRL TO ORGASM! that last part is the most important. don’t let her fake it. because we do. sometimes us girls feel bad for you cuz you aren’t finding out spot/clit, or guilty because it’s taking too long for us to cum- and we’re worried you’re getting bored (but that’s a lesson to the ladies too. don’t let him stop till you’re done bitches! and tactfully and gently teach him/show him what you need), or embarrassed cuz we think we might be yucky down there for whatever reason (which is why girlies should ALWAYS carry baby wipes). SO, being the sexy, manly, Casanova i am teaching you to be, tell the girl (in a sexy straightforward man voice that is confident and experienced (even if you’re not) that you get off when she gets off and that you won’t stop till she cums at least a few times!
as for the clothing situation, you’re gonna need a few staples. and a few new stores to start shopping at. black leather bomber jacket. white sneakers. even creme colored low top OR high top converse are ok. if i were you, i would get a simple pair of white sneaker at topman or urban outfitters- there’s only one topman in nyc or the ones in london. however, opening ceremony carries topman in la. hmm. options. either/or, i guess that’s why online shopping was invented. you’ll definitely need some crisp dark blue denim jeans from ksubi or apc, straight-leg thank you. a pair of black denim jeans. some button ups from American apparel and/or uniqlo. a white suit, a black suit, a black skinny tie, and a pale pink skinny tie. i wish i could go shopping with you. but i can’t hold your hand through this. after all, you are ALMOST a grown up. let me know if this helps. and if you have ANY exciting adventures during your metamorphosis, send me the pix so i can post them on the blog. good luck my little Casanovas in training!!! xoxox
if only:
if only someone could promise us that all our craziest dreams and desires would come true; that everything would work out in the end…. and that we could rest assured that it will all be OK. but they can’t. who knows what will happen between now and the time you die? that’s the thing that some people actually LIKE about life. it’s a constant surprise. a gamble. but that’s also what others can HATE about it!
it’s why some people take their own lives. they reach their breaking point. they hit their limit of ‘not knowing’ and they give up. they feel hopeless; think life is too hard to go on living because they’re unhappy, unfulfilled, and can’t continue living with the possibility that they may NEVER be happy- that their dreams may NEVER come true. and in the blink of an eye, they are gone forever. having died at their own hand. there is NO need for this to happen. but it does and it’s tragic. so, it’s important to look at the thought process that could cause this dark hole of hopelessness, and avoid it at all costs.
we live in a world where phrases like ‘you never know’, ‘just when i least expected…’ , and ‘who knows?’ run wild. and they’re true! you never know what’s coming for you around the corner… good OR bad. just as quickly as you could contract herpes, you could win the lotto. and all you can do in the interim is live your life, be nice to your friends & family, try not to be such an asshole, maybe make people laugh if you don’t mind, have a laugh yourself, and work towards making your dream become realized. letting it be bigger than just a thought inside your head.
but before you can do this, you have to KNOW what it is you WANT. do you know? when you figure it out through thinking/writing in an unlined journal… brainstorming like a kuh-razy person, that’s ONLY the beginning. every day, do at least ONE thing towards achieving your dream/goal. even if it’s as simple as ‘i wanna be a chef’ and going to the supermarket to grocery shop or signing up for a cooking class (and hopefully actually going).
all of this will help towards moving your life in an inspired, focused direction. giving you things to daydream about and aspire to having/being! but if you feel trapped in a moody, super sad hole of despair…… do ANYTHING you can to perk yourself up! NO, NOT drugs- smoking- or binge eating (and by binge eating, i mean BINGE EATING: like eating an entire pizza in one sitting by yourself. or emptying the contents of your entire fridge into your stomach)!
INSTEAD, how about seeing a movie by yourself; getting a small popcorn and peanut m&m’s or red vines? have a vanilla soy OR nonfat milk latte (your call)! i mean, if you were ALREADY planning on killing yourself ANYWAY, why would you feel guilty about having a treat?! it’s like looking at life from a whole new perspective! try reading the tabloids for free at the supermarket, going on a walk…. anything! even a bubble bath and calling a friend/seeking help from a profesh could change everything. you can even e-mail me. you see, getting so emotionally low can actually give you a whole new lease on life! if nothing matters, than you can be brave, and fearless, and choose to LIVE and not let others affect you!
so, just cheer up. after all, the beautiful thing about life is, even if you’re not feeling your best right now….there just might be a happy surprise lurking just around the bend. i love you! xoxo
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