Are you FUCKING kidding me?

So you’re in a relationship with a guy that you have luke warm feelings for? hmmm…….are you fucking kidding me? good enough isn’t good enough! the idea that not all people have experienced deep, true, epic love is mind blowingly sad to me! Let’s get you true love!
DON’T SETTLE: you shouldn’t be luke warm about a guy!!!! After a few dates you should know what he is to you. he’ll fall into one of the following categories: a guy who’s stupid, but has a big dick and you only want him for sex. or he’s cute, stylish, arm candy, totally whatevs.
or he’s a dude you might really like, but he’s super aloof with you and can barely reply to your texts and you just know he doesn’t like you. Which, HOPEFULLY, if you’re not like me-should be a turn off. OR, he’s a time filler/warm body. OR he’s a REALLY funny guy, but you should just be friends, cuz ultimately you’d be humiliated if you were seen in public together and mistaken as a couple. OR, he’s rebound dude/good kisser.
*** To me, the love of your life is this: He makes you nervous. you can’t stop thinking about him. you have 3 hour long phone conversations. he beats you (just kidding-wanna make sure you’re paying attention). He’s like medicine! you can’t stop talking about him. you can’t wait to see him again. you two wanna be together all the time. The sex is great. you love how he smells. you love how his skin feels. you love the way he thinks. He makes you laugh. you believe in him. All this should be MUTUAL! One sided will not work! However, it’s ok if there is a power shift from time to time. Who holds the cards will change-this keeps it sexy and interesting. If someone asks you if you’re crazy about him-if you even hesitate for a split second-it’s a lame dud waste of time and you just answered your own question. Walk the fuck away. Peace out! you just did both of yourselves a favor. your true love should make your life better. He should be a facilitator of dreams!

BOTTOM LINE: i think it’s sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes….but don’t get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you’re too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I’m serious. dead serious. fyi: i don’t mean to be a weirdo slut, but i think that flings are important because the essence of a person you get during a makeout, the side that you get to meet, the things that they say…are like priceless gems. you’re collecting intimate experiences. you’ve become an intimacy collector. and if you’re going to give up this aspect of yourself, if you’re going to give up this opportunity to share private moments with sexy dudes that could possibly resemble a member of the strokes circa 2001 or Michael pitt… be monogamous…..YOU BEST BE IN LOVE MUTHAH-FUCKAH! or else it’s not worth it!

I’m not allowed to be sad:

Today I’m on my way home from new york. i was here shooting a movie. it was great, and now it gets even better…i get to fly VIRGIN AMERICA!!!! yayzers! i truly feel that anything Richard Branson touches is golden! i love you!

Here’s me, trying to keep busy during the downtime. it’s like audrina on the hills once said- sometimes you have to be your own best friend. or maybe that was whitney or lauren or heidi. never mind! fuck i love that show! anyways: People are dying,children are starving, and I can’t find the perfect outfit! My god, does it ever get easy??? I am a monster.

I went to the elizabeth peyton show at the new art museum. she’s my favorite painter. i think she’s boycrazy too.

On a side note, can I send my American apparel tote bag to the dry cleaners? I’m at a crossroads cuz I REALLY don’t want it to shrink in the wash, but its sooo dirty and needs to be cleaned. I wonder if everyone can tell how filthy my tote bag is, or if its just me? just another thing weighing me down and is quite honestly, borderline shameful. I let you know what happens.

PART 2-The Blind Leading The Blind:

11. a lot of dudes are gay. A lot of dudes aren’t gay. your job is to figure out which are which. Good luck!
Cuz I can’t tell anymore.
12. take a bath in
epsom salt at least once a day. use it for your longest soak. it gets rid of any water you might be retaining.

13. drink at least 1.5 L of water daily. but be wary of the dream dashers who will try to bum out yo
ur new water incentive by telling you that too much water will flush out all your vitamins and kill you. these are lame, jealous, and unhappy people. just try to drink your water.
14. shave your legs everyday-even though
I’m a big believer in the theory that the night you DON’T shave your legs is the night you end up meeting the boy of your dreams/or sexiest makeout ever!
15. get rid of all the negative people in yo
ur life. Toss ’em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.
16. try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!
17. you can’t feel bad or hurt by someone-unless u let them hurt you. I’m talking about feelings and emotions and stuff. A punch in the face will totally hurt anyone! So take control of yo
ur feelings and don’t let anyone hurt them or have power over you. Haven’t you seen the last scene of labyrinth!? “you have no power over me!” Jesus!
18. even if u aren’t letting people hurt yo
ur feelings-be consciously aware of the assholes who try to. wish them well in your mind, and then get the fuck away from them. you don’t have to be a hater to cut the dead weight out of your life my little babies! Shit, that reminds me, I’ve gotta sort some shit out in my own life.
19. sex makes you happy: unless you were raped or molested and it brings back weird memories. in which case, that’s totally terrible and
I’m sorry. you should talk to a therapist. feel free to write to me and I’ll suggest someone qualified to help you deal with that. you are loved.
20. movies/
TV shows to watch if your pms’y or sad or just wanna feel girly and super awesome:
dazed and confused
broken english
when harry met sally
valley girl
16 candles
pretty in pink
notting hill
high fidelity
last days of disco
my wife is an actress
my so called life
arrested development
Madonna documentary- I’m going to tell you a secret
unzipped-isaac mizrahi documentary
truth or dare
project runway
the hills
beverly hills 90210-old school version
tim guns guide to style
30 rock
freaks and geeks
conan o’brian
(light easy breezy viewing that will make you feel like a citizen of cozytown usa!) xo

Dude of the day!!!!!

Dude of the day: that guy! What’s his deal? What does he know that I don’t? Probably everything! Look at him smoke! Like he doesn’t even give a fuck! If this guy wore a name tag, that name tag would say “the way to be”. And it wouldn’t be lying! No joke. I’m in love! And I think my eyes are pregnant! Who the fuck does he think he is? The president of my vadge!? Well, he is now! I surrender! Vote for this guy. He’s it!! who is he? click HERE to find out!

there’s no shame in my game:

Boycrazy in new york city!
PS: is anyone else as excited as i am about the new “Hills” spin off called “the city”? don’t lie!

APC: the whole foods of the clothing stores- for scoping out dudes. Artfags galore! i love it! pea coats, green military jackets with fur trimmed hoods. And the quirkier you look, and the more androgynous you appear-the better! Bizarre faces rule in this ‘antithesis of paris hilton’ establishment! which is rad for me because I feel somewhat offbeat and quirky looking. It’s super expensive, so meander and pout, but try not to buy anything! Why is it soo fucking expensive? i don’t know. it just is. If you wanna recreate apc looks for cheaper; shop at club monaco/uniqlo/j crew/4 ever 21/hm/even target. i just hope you pick out the right pieces. I’m sure you’ll be fine. watch out for cheap looking plastic buttons and bad plastic-y looking fake leather. too much sheen can be a problem. now I’m worried. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
what’s with girls who lie about where they got an article of clothing? 

ME:”Where’d you get your sweater? I absolutely love it!”
HER:”Um” clearly about to lie “it’s vintage.” or “I can’t remember, I bought it ages ago.” Or “it used to be my moms, from when she was my age!” 
Bullshit! you, just don’t want me to rush out and buy it too! And you know what I have to say to that? Bravo! I have to shop harder! I love you.
when shopping, don’t buy right away if it’s crazy expensive or the return policy is bogus. Walk away, have a think, and if you can’t get the said item out of your head, buy it! This theory does not apply to pizza or desserts though! Stay away from those! Oh yeah, and don’t smoke either. Even if it aids you in being super skinny! I don’t care. It’ll wreck your face! Do you wanna look busted at 27? Fuck no! Moisturize moisturize moisturize! Quit the cigs and become a Pilate’s master/macrobiotic/ do-gooder instead! Whatever makes you look fierce and other girls jealous of you. This blog is meant to be an inspiring slap in the face!!! A virtual pep talk! Why wait until new years for resolutions? Look at yourself in the mirror now, and get it the fuck together bitches!!!

Boycrazing spots nyc: whole foods on Houston- the second floor is like a heightened version of a high school cafeteria scene in a john Hughes film. Balthazar, outside bench-Buy a coffee from the take out section, sit and linger on the bench outside, check out the dudes that walk by!
Christmas is coming! I’m so excited! there will be an entire post dedicated to mistletoe and instigating a makeout without appearing like the desperate slut you may or may not REALLY be! just you wait! also, if a boy makes you a mix cd-it either means he REALLY likes you OR, he had 6 minutes to burn and wants to have sex with you! i hope it’s the first one, for your sake.

How to get what you want:

I was in a relationship for 5 years! i was too young to be playing house, but I’ll never say i regret the experience because i learned a lot, traveled the world, and learned what i DON’T want for myself. there was blackout drinking, anger, fighting, jealousy, and rages mistaken for/disguised as passion. and in august 2007, we broke up. he was in a band. he was everything i thought i wanted: skinny, angry, successful, reminded me of my dad, dressed cool. he even had an accent. i was born and raised in Hollywood, and he was from Melbourne Australia. sure there were countless cultural differences, and he just barely understood my sense of humor (not to worry-i just developed an alternate personality that didn’t make him mad-and when i couldn’t keep that up, and reverted back to being myself, we fought. no big deal. i was so proud when i discovered i was a changeling and could morph my personality to serve whatever situation i was in.) but, so what! we looked good on paper, and i was convinced this was what i wanted. we had moved in together, he paid for most of the stuff. i was in sooo deep. leaving would have been sooo hard. how would i be able to extricate myself from the situation? when it was good it was great, and when it was bad, i wanted to die. i even cried in the dark during sex once. and i was so covert about it, he didn’t even notice! am i rad or what?! one new years eve we went to a party at that girl from no doubts house! it was a rager! i was drinking, and so was he. i only drank every once in a while, and normally i was a fun drunk, but when the 2 of us were together, with unresolved resentment just barely lurking under the surface, alcohol was our worst enemy. it ended with us in a limo amongst friends and acquaintances, him calling me a c***t and me throwing a glass of vodka and ice in his face while sitting not 1 foot away from him. yikes, that must have hurt. I’m sorry. i jumped out of the limo and started running up Bronson. the car stopped and i was dragged back in. we continued dating for 2 more years. we were even engaged. but in august of 07, i left. and that’s when i became the mayor of excitement city. i got my own place, remembered i had friends, and started dating like crazy! blind dates, recaps with my girlfriends the next morning over coffee! i was a woman! and obviously trying to recreate carrie bradshaws life! and now, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. 

I Like Boys……

I’ve been referred to as a manizer, a maneater (both literally and figuratively-yuck!), a flirt, a makeout bandit, out of control, blah blah blah. i won’t launch into the whole double standard between men and women! it is what it is, and so i choose not to care. i like looking at goodlooking boys. they’re everywhere: at target, video stores, newsstands, standing next to you, looking out at you from the pages of a magazine, record stores, the supermarket, EVERYWHERE! this blog is all about meeting boys, rendezvous, behavior which could be possibly be labeled as desperate and borderline stalker-esque…….but i promise, it will totally entertain you by either making you (the reader) feel better about yourself, or teaching you where the boys are, and what to do when you find one you wanna makeout with and possibly have sex with. don’t get aids though. use protection ladies, or gay boys, or whoever’s reading this post. i love you.