ALEXI’S GUIDE TO LIFE (originally written for LADYGUNN MAGAZINE)

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(via Ladygunn mag)


Start referring to everything you do as a meeting. Lunch with a friend: meeting. Starbucks with mom: meeting. Asking the produce guy at the market about apples: meeting. It only makes you sound super cool/important!

•Always carry breath spray and sweet spot wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.

•For ALL dudes and SOME gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of ‘automobile’ is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

•If he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.

•If you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. This may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

•Don’t eat carbs.

•Everything has carbs.

•If he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. You’re better than that.

•You are a woman. You have the power to cast spells over men with your words, your silence, gestures, eyes, and actions. This power can be super fun/entertaining, and will most likely result in an epic make out and/or someone falling in love with you. I can’t stress how much power you have enough. Use it wisely.

•Always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! That includes cute, matching bra and undies too! The phrase ‘day into night’ should always be running subconciously through the back of your mind while getting ready in the morning.

•Try not to spend EVERY night at his house! I know you’re all excited and in love or whatever, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! Plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! #mysterious=sexy.

•You’re not allowed to buy art at Ikea! Ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! They sell mass produced posters. Remember: every choice you make is a reflection of you. Be careful!

•Always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs, who haven’t had plastic surgery and they all say it’s because they wear a bra to bed!

•Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss em! They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.

•Try not to be one of these energy drainers. Otherwise, you might get tossed!

•I don’t mean to state the obvious but: tote bags SCREAM ‘youth’! So hurry up and buy one today!

•Going to a day spa, which involves soaking in a community pool, when you’re having your period is so unsanitary and selfish.

•Never have unprotected sex! Doesn’t it seem like behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method, but they all just lie about it? I know! Cut it out.

•No matter what he says: cum &/or his pee is not good for clearing up your acne!

•Important people drink diet coke. But drinking diet coke won’t make you important.

•Dogs ALWAYS know when you’re having your period. No place is safe anymore. If you’re going on a first date, or to a totally chic party and a dog’s gonna be there and you’re bleeding: you might as well NOT go. Unless social suicide is the new black. Then go right ahead.

•Make a life list of what you want for yourself: What you want to do professionally, where you want to travel, things you really and truly want to accomplish, etc. and put them up on your wall. I can’t tell you how important it is to see what your life goals are every morning when you wake up, right there in front of you. But put that shit away if anyone cool comes over! Yikes! #bonerkiller

•Wear mascara! what the fuck is your problem? it will only make your life better.

•If you find yourself miserable in a relationship, never be afraid to leave. You’ll be fine.

•If you ask your date for a coca cola and he comes back from the bar and hands you a diet coke- it means he thinks you’re fat.

•When he/she calls, let it ring at least twice. Desperate NEVER = sexy.

•When you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! You are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account, etc. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you… via text.



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