GUEST POST: ‘Things I’ve Learned About Men’ By Amanda Leigh

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I can read a man like a book. But I haven’t always been that way. I had to get seriously played to learn the game. (So to speak. I can’t stand games. It’s a figure of speech.) In other words, I’ve been hurt, surprised, upset, shocked, duped, and manipulated enough to consider myself a seasoned dater. It doesn’t take me long to figure a man out and it isn’t complicated. You just have to be willing to admit the truth of what you see to yourself. Here is a short list of things I have learned from my dating experiences with men. I know you have a short attention span so I tried to keep it brief for you. You’re welcome. Here it goes…

•If a man takes you to a restaurant where everyone knows him and waits on him hand and foot, you are not special. That’s where he takes all of his dates.

•If he refuses to get a pedicure because it’s not manly, he will not go with you to see a therapist to work on your relationship issues. He has too much pride.

•If he says he doesn’t like drama, he will be the one to create it.

•If he tries to have sex with you without a condom on your first date, he does that with every woman he meets. Good luck when you get an STD test.

•If he doesn’t call or text the day after you have sex with him for the first time, he’s not going to be your boyfriend.

•If he artfully changes the subject when you ask him if he’s married, he’s married.

•If he doesn’t walk you to your car at the end of the night he isn’t a caring, conscientious person.

•If he calls you to tell you he’s driving in your neighborhood but doesn’t come over to fuck you he has a small penis.

•If he calls you “sweetie”, “honey”, or “baby” before you actually get to know him well, he doesn’t respect women. He may call your mother that when he first meets her.

•If he says, “you need to relax” or “you’re overreacting” when you’re sharing your feelings, he’s emotionally immature and incapable of listening and hearing you.If you can’t tell whether he’s gay or straight, he’s gay.

•If he’s a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, he likely won’t recover from narcissism.

•If you only hear from him every once in a while and there is no consistency in his communication he’s not that excited about you. He won’t wake up one day and change his mind.

•If he’s an asshole or a douche… he’s an asshole or a douche. If you try to change him you will make yourself crazy.

A man who is healthy, mature, and respectful will be straightforward, honest, and considerate. He will handle his business. He will honor you and be genuine about his intentions. He won’t lie or act like an immature idiot. He won’t have anything to prove. He will get it. Wait for him. He’s worth it.

I’m still waiting for my guy that’s for sure. If you know of anyone, please let me know. In the meantime you can find me cuddling on a Friday night with my four-legged sexless lesbian lover (AKA my dog.) #ImSingle

If you want to follow me on Insta, I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m facebook.com/therealamandaleigh.

GUEST POST: “When Things Get Weird” By Amanda Leigh

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When Things Get Weird

By Amanda Leigh

I hate dating. I hate the word hate even more. I’m at the point where if you don’t knock my socks off, I’d rather stay home and not spend the hour plus getting ready that it takes to go out with you.

I’m an independent woman. I know who I am. I have a full, vibrant life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. Plus I have a dog to cuddle with and a great vibrator. So to knock my socks off at this point isn’t easy.

I met a man online recently who excited me enough to curl my hair and leave the house in make-up to meet him. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours straight 2 days in a row before meeting face to face. When I saw his beautiful big blue eyes in real time there was an instant spark.

We didn’t leave each other’s side for 3 weeks straight. We talked about our life goals, dreams, and we even talked about getting a place together. Everything lined up. We decided to be exclusive and agreed that this was something special.

I thought I had met the Ice-T to my Coco. My friends thought I was crazy. We’ve all heard the stories. Two people meet when they’re least expecting it and boom! They’re together for life. It could happen to anyone. And I thought it was happening to me.

He didn’t fit the pattern of the emotionally unavailable, douchey turd bags I’ve dated in the past. First of all, he was a full-blown, no-holds-barred gainfully employed tech nerd with no spray tan and no metrosexual tendencies. He grew up on a farm in the Midwest and didn’t relate to the absurdity of Hollywood. Secondly, he was single and not married pretending to be single. And thirdly, he was straightforward, kind, generous, loving, chivalrous, and funny. He insisted on open, honest communication. He was even tall. Finding a tall employed man with values in Los Angeles is like finding a unicorn.

Things were going great. I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. Friends were happy that I was finally getting some good D from a nice guy with a good heart. I introduced him to my dog and she literally followed him into the shower and licked the tub when he got out. Then one day, out of the blue, things got weird.

I hate it when things get weird. But sadly, I’m also used to it. That moment when you don’t know what is about to happen but you know it will make you cry. Or feel sad. Or lose what you’ve been enjoying so much. A nauseous fearful feeling takes over your body. That moment when you know you are about to get really hurt by someone else. Yep. It was about to happen to me.

Suddenly, he seemed less interested, impatient, and distant.  He stopped replying to text messages right away, stopped taking the initiative to call me, and his tone of voice changed when we spoke on the phone. Because I don’t like unspoken weirdness, I asked him what was up. He assured me everything was fine on his end.

A couple of days after I noticed this change in his energy, he dropped a bomb in my morning orange juice. He said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that our exclusivity is off the table. Why? Because I need to focus on work and you’re a  distraction from it.  I really didn’t want to cry so I held it in. Um, yeah that’s so dumb to even try to do and it doesn’t work. It actually makes crying worse because rather than drizzling tears you actually burst and pour. And that’s what I did. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I could balance everything. Blah blah blah…

Ohhhkkkkk….

Men consistently say they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings but they do it in ways that seem so ridiculous, uncaring, and avoidable. Many men project that having a relationship is a bad thing – that all women are a hassle or take up too much time because they have been in relationships with unhealthy women in the past. It’s not fair to those of us who are healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative, and understanding. I’m not your ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife. My intention in partnership is to both thrive and be more successful together than we are apart. Not to weigh anyone down. Myself included.

How does someone go from full speed ahead to a screeching halt like that? If he had told me in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship I would not have gone out with him.

My hunch is that he is avoiding the exact thing he actually wants and needs with some strange excuse about work and about his inability to focus.

There’s no perfect time for anything in life. If you want something badly enough and are capable of embracing it, you will make it happen and balance your responsibilities regardless of obstacles. Clearly, he didn’t want to make the effort.

I’m moving on. Quickly. I’ve already spoken with two ex-boyfriends who told me it’s his loss. And Doin Me is on replay in my car. I’m back to the dating grind. I already cancelled a date with a guy who sent me a dick pick before we met in person. And I’m back online full force communicating with other morons looking for that needle in a haystack. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of Gods children but some are idiots. Sorry, God.

I guess I was under the wrong impression that if a guy is nerdy looking, doesn’t kiss on the second date, and drinks O’Douls that things won’t get weird. I should have known when he brought his silverware disinfectant to dinner that something weird would happen. Note to self: add that to the list of dating red flags.

 

If you want to follow me on Insta I’m @therealamandaleigh. On Facebook I’m www.facebook/therealamandaleigh. I’m working on being more narcissistic so hopefully my lack of selfies won’t bore you.

‘My Adventures on Tinder’ by Amanda Leigh

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I should start a non-profit organization for all the single, successful, intelligent, attractive women I know. Not to toot my own horn and fall asleep on it but I’m a catch. And I’m single. I’ve been single for longer than I care to admit. By choice. I stay single because I’d rather be alone than mismatched. Being alone seems way more time and energy efficient than dealing with all the mishigas that comes along with being in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t complement you.

Every time I turn around I hear about someone I know going through a divorce or breakup with a guy who is an addict, womanizer, liar, abuser, or thinks it’s ok to cheat. So until an honest, emotionally healthy man comes along, I’m fine cuddling with my dog. The worst she’ll do is poop in my pole dancing room. I’d rather have that than the other aforementioned crap. (And yes, I pole dance for sport and I have a pole at home which makes me the perfect woman for any man reading this who’s interested in honesty, kindness, and twerking.

Dating to find a relationship is time consuming and can be frustrating. However, potentially never finding a life partner is also a scary thought. Enter Tinder. Yeah. I said Tinder. You read that right. I had no idea Tinder had the reputation of being “Grindr for straight people.” As a matter of fact, I knew nothing about Tinder at all until a business associate introduced me to it in a meeting a few months ago. I had hung up my online dating jersey after unsuccessful stints on OkCupid, eHarmony, JDate, The OnionDating, PlentyofFish, Nerve, and Match. I even tried Black Planet and considered ChristianMingle. (I’m Caucasian and Jewish.)

One Friday night in the Whole Foods parking lot I felt particularly alone and afraid. So I decided to downloaded Tinder and give it a try. Within an hour I had suitors within a 10-mile radius – lots of them – to choose from. I think Tinder is a smart idea. It takes the time, stress, and pressure out of online dating. It streamlines the process and makes it easy for people with busy lives.

I’ve gone out on over 10 dates and communicated with at least 50 guys since joining. I’ve also consumed hundreds of profiles. Only three guys have propositioned me for a one-night stand. So that’s 5% if you’re doing the math. If you’re into casual sex you can find it on Tinder for sure. But overall the guys I’m meeting are into dating not just hooking up.

There are some goofs I went out on dates with and they were certainly entertaining. None of them got a second date with me. A neurologist squeezed my arm and insinuated I need to workout more often. A basketball player asked me to travel with him and gave me two hours notice to get to LAX. He accused me of putting my puppy (who was on 3 different meds at the time) before him as an excuse not to go. (Note to men reading this who have doggie issues: My dog will be still in my bed even when you are not. So get a grip.) An advertising exec licked his steak knife at the Chateau Marmont. A 12-stepper forgot about our date entirely and stood me up. Maybe he will make an amends? Sorry, bad joke. An accountant told me he was afraid to ask me out again because he felt intimidated by me. Someone needs to grow a set. I had a great date and make out sesh with a hot photographer. He said he wanted to see me again and then disappeared. So unoriginal. I’m bored just writing it. But it wasn’t Tinder’s fault.

Guys on Tinder like to post photos of themselves with a tiger or a huge trophy. Or standing on a football field. Or behind a podium at the White House. Or with a celebrity or cartoon character (#yackattack). Or shirtless with their pants so low you can almost see dick city. Or… wait for it…on the toilet. Yeah. And it wasn’t a selfie either. I hope I don’t get carpal tunnel or a repetitive strain injury from swiping to the left.



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