first love – part 4:

Felix and i went out for eight months. or did i just say eight, when it was REALLY only six, to make it sound more important than it was?I’ll never know. sometimes i can lie to myself better than anyone could ever lie to me. cuz I’ll believe it. 

under his influence, i tried drugs for the first time. THAT did NOT help what had ultimately began as a dream romance. I’m moody/crazy/and self conscious enough without the help of illegal substances. NOWADAYS, there’s no way you’d even catch me smoking a cigarette! 

but ULTIMATELY, Felix and i could have never been together forever. i was too young. he was too young. we weren’t a perfect fit in general, because we just weren’t. but even if we WERE, there’s no way we could have been at THAT point in our lives- because i don’t think our brains were fully developed YET. mine probably still isn’t. jk jk! or am i jk’ing?! life experience was lacking for both of us. 

i was fifteen by the time it ended, and though i have the small tendency to be a bit needy now – at FIFTEEN i was at the BEGINNING stage of my ride with full throttle neediness. i pushed Felix away. one night i suggested we break up, in the hope he would beg for me to take him back, shower me with love and desperation! but this was not the case. instead he just said ‘ok’. 

i walked from his car onto my porch. i sat down on the bench outside and watched him, just sitting there in his car. we were both sad. it had mattered to him. he had loves me too. but it was too hard. and the joy was gone. that night was the equivalent of experiencing a death. 

i can still conjure the mental image of Felix looking at me from his car, and it can STILL make me cry if i let it. he’ll always be the boy who taught me what love is supposed to feel like. and he’ll forever be the boy who took my virginity… or more like the boy i happily gave it away to. xo

By: boycrazy on June 2, 2009
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first love – part 3:

He was sarcastic and witty and I believed in him. He even wore nail-polish! He didn’t care what anyone thought. And he was super cute. He was an American boy, but he looked like he was English Mick Jagger lips and a haircut like the Beatles. I think he had a beauty mark too. 

it went from me being completely intimidated by him, to the most intense first love i could ever imagine anyone having. hmmm. now that i think about it, I’m pretty sure i maintained my feelings of intimidation all through the relationship. fuck! oh well, hindsight is 20/20. live and learn. but he was too cool not to be intimidating! i’d rather that than some wimpy lame-o.

no one had ever made me laugh like he did. Maybe someone had- but they weren’t a boy OR they WERE, but weren’t as cute? either way, that’s when i realized what it meant for me to be in love: HE MAKES YOU LAUGH SO HARD YOU HURT, HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH HIM! Felix made me figure out what my version of love is too?! wowzers! this guy was on fire! no wonder this blog post is so long. what power he had over me!

I think the person you call your boyfriend/the person you have on your arm, is a reflection of you. And he made me sooo proud that we were reflecting eachother. Yes, it was less complicated cuz I was 15. But in a way, it may have been more complicated emotionally. These were all new feelings. Everything was exciting. 

Now, in my 20′s, not only do i have to worry about getting my heart broken or breaking people’s hearts- I have to worry about paying my bills too!!! I like drama in relationships and I’m trying not to, because this only makes things harder for everyone involved- especially me. And WAY more complicated than necessary. I’m trying to learn that an uncomplicated relationship IS NOT a boring relationship. And that’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy. But, yes, I think I always look at my first love as a barometer to gauge if I’ve found love. 

The dude I love HAS to make me laugh, be gorgeous, inspire me and have that secret ingredient that gives him an effortless cool. like he could be anywhere and people would want to listen to him, stand near him. The weird trick that’s hard to find is this: I need him to chase me a bit, but not let me walk all over him. Cuz if he doesn’t chase me and there are NO games at all- I’ll get bored and frustrated and walk away. 

Love and looking for love and waking up in the morning excited about a boy or girl is universal. It’s what songs and movies are written about. And the dynamics between men and women fascinate me. (to be continued….one last time!)

By: boycrazy on June 1, 2009
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first love – part 2:

all this was happening during that time in life when you don’t know if you’re gonna be a jock, a cheerleader, a raver or an indie kid. I chose the latter (although i leaned more towards mod, if you MUST know). And I think I did this because of indie dudes like Felix! they were the ones I was attracted to. by just existing, Felix alerted me to what i was instinctually attracted to. 

Sometimes what shapes a woman into the woman she learns to become, are the men she chooses to surround herself with. Or the dudes that choose her. the time you spend with the person you call your bf or gf or whatevs, is some of the most intimate time you experience. this is very influential in peoples lives. men AND women. deep conversations/thoughts exchanged with a person who makes your heart race and causes a rush of endorphins and dopamine is a BIG deal! this type of relationship allows for much more (or at least a different kind of) intimacy than you’d experience with your big sis or aunt. 

personally, I liked the boys who liked the pixies, unwound, built to spill, fugazi, the make up and modest mouse. This doesn’t mean I liked EVERYTHING they liked – but when I was super young I went along with what the boys thought was cool. i was a sponge. listening to conversations about records and making the knowledge they spewed my own. But as I grew up and became my own person, I learned to differentiate between what I liked, didn’t like, and what i had fooled myself into liking. 

As a young person finding yourself, you use all the tools around you to define who you are and develop a sense of self. friends, books, movies, music, TV, clothes, etc. I am an only child who grew up in a turbulent home with a dad who didn’t say I love you enough. Boo hoo me. WAHHHH! but, LUCKILY, I had lots of guy friends (who i MOST LIKELY sought out as male figures to give me attention affection and approval) who treated me like a sister. 

they drove me to shows when I was too young to drive. They picked me up after school, we got french fries and talked shit! they included me, stood up for me. i felt like i was special, chosen, belonged, had a family and a secret society. i was untouchable. 

one of these guys in this gang of big bros was Felix. who was only now in my life, after randomly running into him a year after i found out he even existed! and while spending time with him, during group hang out sessions….i fell in love with him. and the best part was…he ‘like-liked’ (youthful slang for love) me back! i couldn’t believe it. (to be continued) 

By: boycrazy on May 29, 2009
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first love:

He was gorgeous. He was older than me. 18 to my 15. the coolest boy i had ever met. A drummer of a band. i guess I’ve always had a thing for drummers. I’ve put up with tapping from boys for so long, and now when they do it, it just annoys me, instead of fascinate or turn me on.


he had been in and around my life for a while without me knowing it. in 9th grade the coolest of the 11th grade girls let me and my friend Alana tag along with them (at their mercy) to a rave in downtown la. we all got ready together, lied to our parents about where we would be, what we would be doing.

before going to the rave, we had to stop at some coffee house on ventura Blvd. i can’t remember why (map point?- no) or what it was called. the alligator lounge? no. blue iguanas? no. just, SOME coffee house. we were waiting for kelly’s (prettiest of the cooler older girls- at least in my opinion) boyfriend to show up. 

he was older than her and she was crazy over him- but all i could think was ‘who is this mystery dude? he’s running super late and ruining the party!’ but because i was frozen, in fear of not being cool, and planning EVERY word i uttered around the older cooler kids….i picked and planned what came out of my mouth minutes before i said anything! and regarding kelly’s late bf, i kept my fucking mouth shut and smoked. (at this point in my life, i think i had yet to learn abut inhaling.) 

i smoked Marlborough menthol light 100′s. LAME! homeless people wouldn’t even take my cigarettes. it was many raves/shows/nights later- up all hours at Twain’s/canters/nova express (all ages coffee shops and late night spots)- that i was FINALLY taught to inhale. why didn’t anyone tell me? how embarrassing! but, geeze, NOT inhaling totally didn’t hurt like INHALING. i guess you have to pick your battles. cool won over common sense, getting in trouble with grown ups, and cancer EVERY TIME!

back to the story, Kelly’s dude FINALLY showed up! his name was Felix. i barely looked at him. i was too shy and didn’t want to reveal to much about myself by staring. he wore high water Dickie’s, etnies, had full hair, not long, just full like a member of the Beatles. had a back pack written on with white out. I’m sure a hackey sack lurked somewhere inside. but that was really none of my business. he seemed angry and serious. for the first time ever, i saw the older girls i thought were the coolest- revert to being just as big a dork as i acted when i was around THEM! 

a year and a half later, i was walking from my moms house in north Hollywood to a coffee shop on lankershim blvd.(hey, when you’re 14, it’s all you can do!) and who was walking out of an early evening band practice sesh?…..Felix! i couldn’t breathe! it was a sign! he was it!!!! he and kelly had long since broken up. it was a whole new era…. and i was about to be 15! the possibilities were endless!(to be continued)

By: boycrazy on May 28, 2009
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