(continued from the LAST post)

Turns out, now that it’s 2009 (and apparently for the past 3 years or so- thanks a lot for not telling me, old doc!) there’s a better technique to see if there’s a recurrence of cancer. A technique that doesn’t require you to go on a very restrictive 2 week diet ahead of time. It’s an ultrasound. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I saw this new doc, got an order for an ultrasound, and even though I’d just been given another clean bill of health from a body scan I did about a month ago under the LAST endocrinologists care- I decided to cover my ass and double check; so I got the ultrasound.

The doctor called a few days later. He told me my thyroid levels were good (since I no longer have a thyroid, I take a thyroid replacement EVERYDAY- btw: finding the right level for your body is a process. You and your doc figure out what levels are working through trial and error. Sometimes you’re out of breath walking up the stairs- dose is too low. Sometimes you’re feeling frantic and can’t stop sweating- dose is too high. And finally, you work out the dosage so you’re just right! Like Goldilocks!), he told me my blood-work, iron levels, etc all looked good. BUT they found abnormal lymph nodes.

Wtf! Are you fucking kidding me! This again?! After about 5 years (more if I include the years of drainings and biopsies before they ever even found abnormal cells) of body scans, diets, and blood-work! I’ve always just referred to it as a hassle. I’ve made the cancer stuff I’ve dealt with ‘a hassle’. But now, I’m panicked. I don’t want this hassle in my life anymore!!! I don’t need to slow down and look at my life. I know what I want! I know what I’m grateful for. And I don’t want this!

Today I’m getting the abnormal lymph nodes biopsied. It’s a fine needle biopsy. They stick a long thin needle in my neck and draw fluid, cells. After that I wait. I wait for the lab to look at what they took. I wait for the doctor to call me and tell me if I have cancer again. And if I do, I have to go under the knife again. And if it’s nothing I will be relieved. So please, think good thoughts for me and light a candle or 10. I love you. i love you. i love you. Xo

By: boycrazy on December 7, 2009
Tags: cancer, rants, thoughts and stories
96 Comments »

(continued from the LAST post)

so, the first surgery had determined- I had papillary thyroid cancer. The second surgery was easier. It was as though my body was a seasoned pro. I was still in a ton of pain when I came to, but I was eating more quickly than I had after the first operation. And according to everyone around me: nurses, my mom, my bf, and my friend skip- I wasn’t as pale. No dad visit again. OK. He would have made it harder. He would have annoyed me, rattled me, made me anxious due to him being so rude and antagonistic. He probably would have cringed seeing me because he doesn’t know how to handle situations that call for tenderness, calm, or unconditional love.

At least I had my boyfriend. Or at least that’s how I felt before he visited me at the hospital one day, while I was recovering,  got into bed with me reeking of booze and told me he drank a bottle of cooking wine and might need to go to aa. I’m so glad he didn’t make it all about him. Phew! him in bed with me, crammed into a bed smaller than a twin size, tugged at the iv in my arm. This was not comfortable. Sometimes you get sick because it’s your body’s way of making you slow down and get quiet- so you can look at life, look at YOUR life, and realize what’s important, what isn’t, what you want and what you do not want, realize what you’re grateful and thankful for.

Now I had no thyroid and they had removed some lymph nodes/scraping the inside of my neck. I did radiation and my head swelled up like I was a 400 pound woman, and yet my body remained the same. embarrassing! riiight! I can’t remember the order of all the procedures. Maybe they found residual stuff in my lymph nodes after the second surgery and then did the radiation? Then a second radiation because it wasn’t taking? either or.

It seemed like everything was finally OK. although, the radiation fucked with my salivary glands a bit- more specifically, my parotid glands. So for a while, and even to this day- if I eat something too crazy sour or salty, I might feel like the area between my earlobes and jawline is swelling. is it a real swelling or a phantom swelling? It’s always different. Drinking water makes it calm down and go back to normal. Nobody notices but me, it’s so subtle. but I notice.

in the four years that followed, each and EVERY year- I had to go on what’s called a ‘low iodine diet’ to prepare for a full body scan to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back. And for the past four years, each scan has been clear of any residual cancer. Yay! But my doctor started to worry me. She’s on a few too many reality shows! I felt her office was a bit jumbled and I didn’t like the front office’s attitude or organization. So I decided to mix it up. i asked around, to potentially see a new endocrinologist. well, he doesn’t look like house, but i found one! (to be continued)

By: boycrazy on December 4, 2009
Tags: cancer, rants, thoughts and stories
19 Comments »

I was living in japan when I noticed a lump in my neck. Holy shit, if you looked too closely, it looked like an Adam’s apple. When I got back to la, I made sure to see a doctor. THAT doctor referred me to a specialist: an endocrinologist, they specialize in an organ called the thyroid. turned out the lump was just a benign (cancer free) nodule. kinda like an internal blister (in my fucking neck. gross!). it was filled with liquid, which they would drain about once a month, so that the lump wouldn’t be noticeable. and every time i went to the hospital to have a needle stuck in my neck, and fluid removed, they would have the fluid sent to a lab and checked- just to make sure it was still benign/cancer free.

well, one day, after yet another routine drainage (after years of sooo many fine needle biopsy’s, aspirations, and drainings): this time when the fluid was analyzed, the doctors found abnormal cells. Oh no! What did this mean? Abnormal cells? Did that mean I have cancer? But they couldn’t tell me. The only way they could officially find out was to operate and take out my thyroid. Now, I don’t expect anyone to know this- but the thyroid is a very necessary and vital organ in your body. It regulates/controls your metabolism, heating system, etc. bottom line is, you need it. It is possible to survive with only half a thyroid- so that’s what I decided, opted to do! if the cancer was only a possibility and not definite, and the only way to find out was to operate, I would only have half of it removed. the doctor suggested this as her preferred option! so i said ok!

i was scared. do you know that prior to surgery, you have to mark the hand or shoulder of the side of your body that’s being operated on with a marker pen? just in case? as i was wheeled into surgery, i thought about how we put celebrities on pedestals and read tabloids about actors and musicians- but it’s times like these you realize the real stars are nurses and doctors. a doctor can save your life! and a nice nurse is a god send. they make you smile, help you pee, bring you jello, hold your hand, fix what’s hurting, clean up the blood, vomit, up the dose, etc. the first surgery was a very painful process. not during. i was out cold. it’s the waking up part after anesthesia that’s the worst. I had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, even though the nurses give you something to prevent this very thing from happening BEFORE giving you the actual anesthesia. Waking up; the nauseousness, the deep painful ache from the incision, the iv in your arm. It’s sooo cold in post op. goosebumps! your whole body aches. was there a tube down my throat? oh no, wait, that’s another story I’ve yet to tell you. post op, every little thing is amplified. Noise is piercing as you come in and out of consciousness. the other post op victims moaning and groaning! And after I was conscious, I learned that I did indeed have cancer.

it had spread to my lymph nodes. They would have to go back in and remove the other half. This was around thanksgiving about five years ago. I went home a few days after the first surgery, and had my thanksgiving dinner. I was a moody, grumpy bitch. I sat at a table in my apartment in beachwood canyon with my mom and my then fiance/boyfriend. I was rude to my mom, and she left. Gee, I wonder why I was rude. But she left and took it all very personally. A week later, I went back in for surgery number two. My dad didn’t go to either of the surgeries. we had got into an argument over the phone the day before the first surgery and I said something along the lines of ‘fine, don’t come to my surgery!’ So he didn’t. I thought he might visit me post-op or at least when I was told I actually had cancer, but he didn’t then either. Oh well. We don’t pick our family. (to be continued)

By: boycrazy on December 2, 2009
Tags: cancer, rants, thoughts and stories
30 Comments »