the blind leading the blind (part 125):

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1. Don’t be apologetic about driving a Prius, be apologetic about driving any other car!

2. If someone asks you if you cut your own bangs, punch them in the face.

3. Violence is never the answer! What were you thinking? Use your brain and your words, NOT your fists!

4. Dear masseuse, shhhhh, I’m not paying you to talk. YOU’RE RUINING MY ENTIRE EXPERIENCE!!!

5. Silently acknowledge that anyone in your presence who uses the word ‘dope’ (i was shocked to discover people still do, but they fucking DO!) has got to go… including you, if it’s you.

6. If you (i) just stopped watching all the horrible shows you (i) waste a huge amount of time/chunk of my life watching… you (i) could get some really amazing things accomplished.

7. I don’t care what your friend says, i don’t think you should take adderal and then get into a hot bath!

8. Being a girl alone at home depot gives me exactly the same feeling as when I’m alone at guitar center… out of place, slightly uncomfortable, and judged by men… but once you get past that, it’s PURE HEAVEN!

9. Framing something as a ‘dream’ is the perfect way of bringing up uncomfortable topics with your boyfriend. For example: “I had the craziest dream you cheated on me. Isn’t that, um, weird?” or “I had the worst dream ever! You were texting with your ex and being all like ‘I miss you’. Do you, like, do that?”

10. Going out when you’re not feeling your best is WAY worse than staying in and missing the party! As long as no one can see you, you could be having the best time in the world and nobody knows that you’re actually home alone with a facial mask on, watching bravo, binge eating and feeling like shit.

“Alexi In Bed” with Father John Misty & His NEW Fragrance!

the blind leading the blind (part 110):

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1. being mean to your mom in public is totally NOT COOL. keep that shizz behind closed doors where it belongs.

2. always use a soft toothbrush. i mean, don’t you like yourself? Geeze!

3. only date people you look up to, who inspire you, who intimidate you, who make you nervous, who you want to be good for. it will make you BETTER!

4. when trail mix is good, it’s REALLY good. but when you get DUSTY trail mix. ugh! that shit is the worst!

5. will somebody please tell über car drivers to figure out how to fucking get to where I’m asking them to take me on their own gps without asking me how to get there every step of the way?! they’re not even good-looking enough to be THAT dumb!

6. if you ever start doubting there’s a god, stop where you are and remember: there’s a starbux RIGHT next to Larchmont beauty center. um, things like that don’t just happen.

7. there are many reasons why it’s not cool to have affairs with married men , but here’s one of my favorites: you can sex or make out with anyone, anytime. but what’s REALLY sexy is possibility and a future with someone. and not knowing but dreaming and finding out where a new romance could go/take you. but with a married guy… there is no possibility, because all you’re reduced to is a secret.

8. next time you see a guy picking his nose in his car, make eye contact with him and hold it. i want him to see you seeing him so he knows it’s not ok.

9. there’s nothing worse than getting a text from someone and not being able to follow-up right away and then getting a SECOND text from them that’s all passive aggressive saying something along the lines of  ‘well, i hope we’re still friends.’ RELAX everybody. haven’t you ever heard of having a life or DRIVING? we can’t be connected all the time, all day long. cut it out! double texting/passive aggressive texts will ensure NEVER getting a response back… even when the person is NO longer driving or busy. get it?

10. when visiting someones house, try your hardest NOT to use their bathroom. PLEASE! it only makes you appear weak and disgusting.

PS:

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