I should start a non-profit organization for all the single, successful, intelligent, attractive women I know. Not to toot my own horn and fall asleep on it but I’m a catch. And I’m single. I’ve been single for longer than I care to admit. By choice. I stay single because I’d rather be alone than mismatched. Being alone seems way more time and energy efficient than dealing with all the mishigas that comes along with being in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t complement you.
Every time I turn around I hear about someone I know going through a divorce or breakup with a guy who is an addict, womanizer, liar, abuser, or thinks it’s ok to cheat. So until an honest, emotionally healthy man comes along, I’m fine cuddling with my dog. The worst she’ll do is poop in my pole dancing room. I’d rather have that than the other aforementioned crap. (And yes, I pole dance for sport and I have a pole at home which makes me the perfect woman for any man reading this who’s interested in honesty, kindness, and twerking.
Dating to find a relationship is time consuming and can be frustrating. However, potentially never finding a life partner is also a scary thought. Enter Tinder. Yeah. I said Tinder. You read that right. I had no idea Tinder had the reputation of being “Grindr for straight people.” As a matter of fact, I knew nothing about Tinder at all until a business associate introduced me to it in a meeting a few months ago. I had hung up my online dating jersey after unsuccessful stints on OkCupid, eHarmony, JDate, The OnionDating, PlentyofFish, Nerve, and Match. I even tried Black Planet and considered ChristianMingle. (I’m Caucasian and Jewish.)
One Friday night in the Whole Foods parking lot I felt particularly alone and afraid. So I decided to downloaded Tinder and give it a try. Within an hour I had suitors within a 10-mile radius – lots of them – to choose from. I think Tinder is a smart idea. It takes the time, stress, and pressure out of online dating. It streamlines the process and makes it easy for people with busy lives.
I’ve gone out on over 10 dates and communicated with at least 50 guys since joining. I’ve also consumed hundreds of profiles. Only three guys have propositioned me for a one-night stand. So that’s 5% if you’re doing the math. If you’re into casual sex you can find it on Tinder for sure. But overall the guys I’m meeting are into dating not just hooking up.
There are some goofs I went out on dates with and they were certainly entertaining. None of them got a second date with me. A neurologist squeezed my arm and insinuated I need to workout more often. A basketball player asked me to travel with him and gave me two hours notice to get to LAX. He accused me of putting my puppy (who was on 3 different meds at the time) before him as an excuse not to go. (Note to men reading this who have doggie issues: My dog will be still in my bed even when you are not. So get a grip.) An advertising exec licked his steak knife at the Chateau Marmont. A 12-stepper forgot about our date entirely and stood me up. Maybe he will make an amends? Sorry, bad joke. An accountant told me he was afraid to ask me out again because he felt intimidated by me. Someone needs to grow a set. I had a great date and make out sesh with a hot photographer. He said he wanted to see me again and then disappeared. So unoriginal. I’m bored just writing it. But it wasn’t Tinder’s fault.
Guys on Tinder like to post photos of themselves with a tiger or a huge trophy. Or standing on a football field. Or behind a podium at the White House. Or with a celebrity or cartoon character (#yackattack). Or shirtless with their pants so low you can almost see dick city. Or… wait for it…on the toilet. Yeah. And it wasn’t a selfie either. I hope I don’t get carpal tunnel or a repetitive strain injury from swiping to the left.