how to disguise/forget about/and get rid of a hickey:
1. vitamin k cream. available at whole foods and erewhon markets. rub that shit into your hickey as often as you can. especially RIGHT before bed- and sleep with it on.
2. wear a turtle-neck, retard!
3. stop hanging out with such amateur maker outers.
4. arnica cream. (follow the same instructions used for vitamin k). also available at whole foods and erewhon markets.
5. the cold spoon tactic. put a spoon in the freezer, then take it out of the freezer (duh), then place it on your hickey , and THEN drag it across your hickey over and over again.
6. acquire herpes. that shit will DEF make you forget all about your lame ass hickey situation.
7. cover it with the same make-up that make-up artists use to cover tattoos on actors. go to a profesh beauty supply store to get this uuber intense/no bullshit make-up.
8. hold a warm wash cloth on said hickey.
9. masturbate as hard as you can, so all the clotted up blood that’s accumulated in your neck rushes to your vadge/penis.
10. be cool. be proud. tell everyone you see about your hickey! own that shit! use it as a conversation starter….YOU SLUT!
11. sit in a tanning bed, and accidentally fall asleep.
12. get a neck tattoo over it.
13. burn your neck with a curling iron and when people say ‘what happened to your neck’ say ‘i burned it with a curling iron, jackass.’
14. hide indoors until it goes away. this is when girlfriends and moms come in handy. those are the assholes who will bring you food, tabloids, and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills AND Atlanta with you!
15. make the ‘hickey giver’ your girlfriend or boyfriend and consider yourself OWNED/spoken for!
16. NEVER see the ‘hickey giver’ again!
17. stop making out with people forever and become a nun. take this time to think about how low you’ve sunk. and by ‘time’, i mean ‘the rest of your life’.
18. have a close friend punch you in the neck, then tell everyone you got in a fight. cuz you DID!
19. cut it out with a meat cleaver. sure you’ll have a big hole in your neck and be dead… but NO HICKEY!
20. cover it up with one of those nipple petals or a band aide and say you got a gnarly cat scratch!
21. join the blue man group.
22. start wearing a bow tie 24/7.
23. become a hooker. i mean, you’re ALREADY half way there! (i said HOOKER, not high class call girl/escort. there’s a difference! and that difference is your hickey!)
24. tell people you were bit by a vampire or werewolf! ever heard of TWILIGHT asshole?!
25. or do what i did:
give the ‘hickey giver’ a way CRAZIER hickey the next time you see him as PAYBACK- in a fun, loving way of course…. and with his permish, while he’s wasted! (see my payback example below)
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