the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!


38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

because you’re worth it (PART 2):

Handicapped toilet stalls=treating yourself. now that you’ve taken my advice and are venturing out of the hot babe’s house, whose eyes you’d like to remain sexy in…..for public restrooms anywhere you can find one…i have another HOT TIP. When given the choice, and faced with an empty bathroom, ALWAYS choose the handicapped stall. It’s WAY more roomy and lush. Live a little. By choosing the more spacious stall, it’s your unconscious way of saying “I’m worth it. I matter. I deserve it.” One could also take the stance that it’s an ominous choice. that, in a way, you are manifesting the possibility of one day being handicapped yourself. oh pish posh! Β I’m a believer in dreaming up your reality and manifesting your destiny/creating what you conjure up in your minds eye-but come on! you gotta draw the line somewhere, and a palatial toilet stall is where I’m drawing it. Now, just for the record- I’d like to remind everyone that women DON’T go to the bathroom. We don’t do anything gross at all. This stall is to be used as an area to text, snort cocaine/powdered drugs, shop lift, and put on your makeup- away from the droves of commoners. YOU deserve this. It is your destiny. If you are reading this blog-it means that you are better! Go! be great! I love you!



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