one of the most horrible things about getting out of a relationship is being at a party and not having your eye on anyone as a potential make-out or sexy rendezvous. it is in that moment you realize ‘i am truly alone’. sure, you can rationalize it in different ways like ‘you’re never really alone when you have your friends around’ or ‘you’re not alone if you’re in close proximity to other human beings who are making direct eye contact and speaking with you’. or, ‘like hey, what if i was at this party alone cuz my bf was out of town or something?’ well, he’s not. you’re single! who knows where your bf is? cuz you don’t have one and your ex is probably fucking a 17 year old boy, i mean girl, somewhere.
you are alone in the sense that- you have no one who is one phone call away- willing/able/actually excited/maybe even generally interested in listening to all your boring, i mean personal, stories/woes/rants/daily sagas. you have no one to check in with. your mom and bff don’t count. i mean they do, but that’s not what i’m talking about.
tonight i went to a party and i was excited. that’s the great thing about being single- you never know what’s gonna happen or who you’re gonna meet. (that’s ACTUALLY the great thing about life in general. you just ‘never know’- good OR bad!) but you also have to prepare for it to be a bust too! and tonight, romantically speaking- it was. BUT i met great women and was comfortable in my skin and all that. i had a nice time. i did. for the first time, i didn’t make the night a winning situation ONLY if i put my attention on some cute guy and conquered him for the evening. whether conquering means making out/sexxing/gaining approval via attention/ or whatevs! no guy there ‘did it’ for me, and that was actually ok.
i still haven’t had sex since my break up. when was that again? about a month and a half ago? i hadn’t had sex two weeks prior to the break up either! shit, so it’s been like two months!? holy shit! i’m dying over here! i am a living, breathing example of how women need/want/crave sex too! I’m not saying I’ve been an angel. I’ve totally done everything but have sexxx- but being finger blasted and oral sexxx is just not the same.
I’ve changed since the ‘me’ before my last relationship. i don’t want to get naked with some random dude. (ok, maybe a few) I’m a girl who’s not super ugly. I’m not gonna lie- I’ve had opportunities. it could have already happened- but i feel like I’m a virgin all over again and I’m waiting for the PERFECT person to take my new-found virginity. i also REALLY don’t want to get herpes aids cancer aids.
more and more i need the guy i have sex with or even fool around with to be someone i can talk to; i have to actually give a fuck what he has to say; i need him to be/seem GENUINLY interested in me; and who is someone i can be/feel safe with. even if he isn’t the one- i need someone to know/think I’m special. someone who gets me- before he can be inside me. what’s that saying? a friend with benefits? (ugh. i can’t believe i just typed that.) and i’m learning that THAT is rare to find. so, until then, i will keep busy with work, spend time with my friends, and touch my privates all on my own. and at least when i finger blast myself, i’ll have the courtesy to wash my hands first!
this is sonny! sonny and i clearly started out on the wrong foot! we met at a super casual/yet uuber chic dinner party – where he was instantly snarky with me! with every question i asked him, i got an answer that in no way resembled the truth. but, being the people pleaser that i am – riddled with daddy issues and a severe NEED to be liked (THANK GOD) i went out of my way to match his bravado, and yell at him until he had no choice but to love me AND my b l o g (or at least agree to MAYBE read it one day)!
now, not only do i think the dude’s great, but i’m an even BIGGER fan of his super awesome girlfriend! they might just be the best couple ever! pow! bam! boom! check out sonny’s crazy amazers (that’s my personal slang for ‘rad’) show at space 1520 UP NOW! don’t be a retarded monster and miss it! it could be the perfect outing for a date! i love you!
sometimes ALL you have is your computer and a fantasy/daydream! the dude you like TOTALLY isn’t calling you- so you’re left googling the shit out of him. i get it! it’s fine. we’ve all done it. we’ve all been there. but this isn’t real. just because Susan miller’s astrology website tells you that his being a Libra and you being an Aquarius is a perfect match, DOESN’T mean your love life is gonna be tied up in a bow! i think you should go on a long walk. i really do. you need some fresh air- you’re having a freak-out. stop refreshing your facebook and twitter pages! no one’s sent you a new message. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news/voice of reason and second grade logic that still holds up.
go outside and talk to a real person. wait till the dude you’ve got in your minds eye ACTUALLY calls you, or a close second, texts you. and if he DOES try to reach you, via twitter or the face book (which i personally feel is a dick AND pussy move)- I’m sure it will alert your blackberry I phone or whatever, so you don’t have to be glued to your desk waiting! move about the world. it’s good for you. i love you. xo
1. if you like a girl, just call her. please CALL her.
2. if you like a boy, DON’T call him. Let him call YOU!
3. don’t wait for the phone to ring. you should be juggling men, reading a book, going to the gym, and working towards taking over the world ALL AT ONCE!
4. Hey m cafe- how about you take the raw onions out of the kale salad. What are you trying to do, ruin my life?!
5. only make out with boys who have been on Oprah or have an extensive wikipedia page.
6. nobody likes a star fucker.
7. NEVER obsess over a dude – whether you’re in a relationship OR single.
8. here’s a secret: everyone comes out of a vagina-unless they were removed via c section OR a mistaken miscarriage that swam to the surface of the toilet bowl or carpet it landed in. So don’t let someone make you feel less then, OR not as good as them. Unless they ARE better-cuz that does happen sometimes too. Sorry.
9. don’t talk shit. it’s just a good habit to break! ESPECIALLY if you don’t mean it. cuz even if you DON’T talk shit, I’m sure some asshole out there is saying you said something that you didn’t. and if you DO talk shit – people talk and it will get back to the person you’re ragging on. yeah RAGGING!
10. DUDES: if you WANT to be celibate, you don’t HAVE to grow a goatee! but it will definitely help!
yes! it’s been too long! here’s today’s ‘dude of the day‘!
hello! Hi. Have you two met? Oh, no? Well allow me to introduce you to the sexiest dude in the ENTIRE world! during this interview, i was totally off my game. who am i kidding? I’m ALWAYS off my game! jk jk! i am NOT trying to promote self hating or whatevs on this site! so let’s leave the negativity at the door! wheeeee! is everyone cool with the fact that i’ve taken on the writing style of a pedophile about to murder a classroom of stuffed animals? i hope so! cuz i’m just getting started!
back to the dude at hand: I was unable to be as witty as I KNOW I could have been during the interview, so forgive me! But I hope you enjoy the video anywayzies! I love you! Xo
ps: EVERYONE! please check out my friend dallas clayton’s very important site that i’m totally in awe and proud of http://www.veryawesomeworld.com . it just might be the best thing you click on ALL day (except for my blog…maybe a close tie?) i love you!
pps: thank you sooo much to THE FADER magazine for supporting my blog and writing this amazing article in the actual magazine AND posting the same article AND my boycrazy promo on your website too! it made me the happiest girl in the world! i love you! xo
sometimes you just want to cum. but what’s better? masturbating or basically being licked/jerked off by some disconnected stranger? is it better to just be alone when you’re not looking or even wanting to be in love/a serious relationship? or is that the perfect time to mess around with someone who shares this same mentality: night time sexy rendezvous, and then focusing on work the next day? this ACTUALLY does sound possible and logical and male.
whether it’s my female emotions, or just my ego getting bruised – I’d like to not be so sensitive. i have too much work to do to dwell and make extra drama for myself- wondering if a dude i don’t even like, that i wouldn’t even want as my bf, is gonna call! a dude I’m probably only drawn to because his finger was inside of me and he smells like man? because i invested my time and energy and revealed myself to a dude, and i’m stuck on him ONLY because i don’t want to spread myself too thin revealing myself, exposing myself, making certain faces, and being naked in front of someone else? it doesn’t make any sense! it’s ego! but it is more than that too.
my very blunt and direct male platonic friend ALSO told me that just because a guy doesn’t fall in love with you or wanna marry you or be your boyfriend- doesn’t mean he can’t/doesn’t think you’re special. personally, I’m learning that I need someone to respect me, be intrigued by me, and at least meet me out in public and take me to drinks (shirley temples) before I have an epic make-out romp. I learned this the hard way- which still felt pretty good. on second thought though, i think i could handle just a physical thing. clearly this has taught you nothing except that i’m confused and working shit out. regardless, whatever you, or i end up doing- always use protection! i love you.
ps: a girl reader wrote to me and said that i should ‘fling till i fall in love’. whch i totally agree with! that’s the thing: if i know one thing, it’s that I’m totally open to love. I’m not desperate to be in a relationship. But I’m also excited about when, where, and how my next love will come to me! I’m not bitter or jaded! Xo
one of the worst things when you give your body to someone, is when they are looking right at you- and you know they can’t see you. you want to be touched, you think you’ll be special to them, you like kissing, and hugging, and licking, and fucking too- but you’re with someone who is only there with their body and has no capability of ever loving you, being genuinely interested in you, caring about you, or thinking about you when he’s alone. except when they get drunk or lonely enough to text you and put their attention on you. the tricky thing is: woman like sex too. and we are able to separate it from being emotional too. at least i think we can.
even though I’m not looking for anything serious now, I still like thinking that if I have a romantic rendezvous with a guy- there’s a chance he might fall in love with me. Even if I’m not that into him. even if I’m seeing more than one person. That must be my ego. A close guy friend of mine told me that’s the equivalent of a guy wanting a girl to be faithful to him, even if he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.
After a breakup, when you end up in bed fooling around with a guy who will clearly never and is incapable of loving you- and merely a warm body- the sting of how different the experience is compared to how it was with your ex who loved you, is very strong. it’s a jolt. but not everyone is gonna love you. just like you don’t love everyone. that is an ego trip. and it’s ok to have chemistry and sexy redezvous’ until you meet the next magical dude.
so, you have to make decisions: are you OK with this? can you avoid crying the next day because you feel empty and alone and used (even though you put yourself in the sexxxy situation and had fun and got off -cuz remember -girls like sexxx too)? can you be logical? can you avoid building a 10 pound layer of fat to protect you after having shared your body with an empty vessel/random dude? if you can, that’s great. I thought I could. I don’t know if I can. I’m still finding out. i bet I’ll even be the empty, cold one sometimes too- the role could change from rendezvous to rendezvous, tawdry affair to tawdry affair. although, I’m sure a loving, upbeat, non empty feeling sexual agreement/arrangement/experience/exchange is possible too. so many choices and different ways to look at things. crazers! (TO BE CONTINUED)