the blind leading the blind PART 6:
1. on a date, order mint tea, instead of the sugary chai late you’d rather drink! you’ll look way more fem and alluring! you might even lose a pound! PRIVACY is for bloating; NOT dates in public!
2. if you read a blog and it pisses you off, stop reading it. if you continue to read it, get upset, and comment like a raving lunatic- it means the following: you are a fucking retarded waster of time! on the other hand, if reading a blog makes you happy and entertains you, go right ahead!
3. the phrase is: “couldn’t care less”! NOT, “could care less”! for example: “i hate my ex boyfriend so much, i COULDN’T care less if he fucked another girl!” the point is, you care SO LITTLE, you can’t possibly care any less than you already do. this phrase is misused all the time. i think beyonce even used it incorrectly in her last single. such a bummer. in a perfect world I’d like to believe that everything beyonce does is right! but, that’s simply not true.
4. if you get everything waxed off your privates, don’t go running errands around town in a mini skirt. you’re vagina can’t be trusted and discharge could fly out of it at any moment. without hair OR undies to prevent this from happening, you could have an uuber embarrassing accident while looking for soup on the top shelf of aisle six in the super market and there’s a stock boy below you, restocking soup cans.
5. Jesus, what was # 4 all about? that was random, riiiight???
6. when dealing with perfume, spray once and glide through it like the angel that you are. too much perfume could ruin your chances/induce a hard off with the boy of your dreams AND/OR even the dirtiest of the long haired, broke, sexy dudes who hang out in dark corners of pianos/little joy/the short stop (insert hair shaker bar here) with five o’clock shadow, a drug & cigarette addiction- who you don’t even want a relationship with;just a casual sex sesh, where hopefully no one gets gonorrhea! so, one spritz please. less is more.
7. if he doesn’t go down on you; he doesn’t get inside of you.
8. don’t forget to have sex in cars this summer. tinted windows or not, cars are awesome cuz there are lots of things to grip onto. and the possibility of getting caught is kind of sexy too, I’m not gonna lie.
9. if you’re over 25 (male or female), not religious, still a virgin and don’t want to be……I’ll be over in 10 minutes. jk, jk: but, seriously, go to whole foods/trader joes/the 101 cafe/the arclight/m cafe and hit on the next hot babe you see. power moves could change your life! good luck. and try not to get aids.
10. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. i love you.
